Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Going on hiatus

I've said it before and I'll say it again I love my in-laws! This last weekend was really hectic, I had a baby shower to go to and my nephew's 1st birthday to go to. Yes, I went to a baby shower. Back when I started getting caught up in all this IF, I swore there's only 2 or 3 baby showers I will ever go to. It was for one of my BFFs and I'm so excited she's finally getting her miracle and there's no way I would have missed it. Was I a little sad when I looked around the room and realized I'm the only person there without kids? Yes. Fortunately I found some inner strength and made it through without incident.

Then it was off to the bday party. I've already said before that for some reason my nephew is more of a marker of my IF journey than anyone else. Maybe its because my SIL got pg on accident after I had already been trying for a year, even had a lap surgery, and still no BFPs. He was the first of the rash of pgs that would become my personal hell! HAHA Anyhoo, the party was nice, I genuinely love that little baby and even tho it was a little painful, I made it through. Maybe I'm finally getting past some of the pain of IF.

But after the party I had a real heart-to-heart with my MIL and SIL. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that's very rare. I don't open up very often. My SIL acknowledged that she knew it was a hard day for me and thanked me for being there and asked how I was doing. Wow! Its such a blessing to have someone GET me and what I'm going through, even tho she's never gone through it.

Anyways, I finally told them what all was going on with my mother and that side of the family. Maybe it sounds stupid, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, the number 1 rule is to keep the family secrets. I keep most of what goes on with my family hidden, cause I worry what if I ever have kids, and my family is around my in-laws, I don't want my in-laws going in with a bad opinion. If that makes sense. However, seeing as how I don't know if I'll ever have kids, I just put it all out there. Their acceptance and love and support was overwhelming. They told me I shouldn't force myself to go over there at the holidays out of some ridiculous feeling of guilt or duty.... And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let myself out of holidays with them and not feel guilty.

Looking back at all the get-togethers we've had and my mom has done or said something shitty... like having a drunk pregnant woman at Thanksgiving or telling me about the abortion that White Trash had or Plain Jane was thinking of having or telling me she's going to start drinking again.... Its like she's doing it on purpose to hurt me. And I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to berate myself about it anymore. It is what it is. I shouldn't have to force myself to be a part of it. I should get to enjoy the holidays too. So this year's holiday is going to be momentous for me. I might have been raised to always be "the perfect child" but I don't have to stay a slave to that role for one more minute!!!!!

Guess that's all for now. Sorry there's not much going on the TTC front. There's just really nothing to report. I feel bad that this blog has become nothing but angry ramblings about my dysfunctional family. I know that's not what you all signed up to read.

So I'm thinking I need to make some changes.

I'm thinking of starting law school next fall. I know, where did that come from???? I cannot spend 100% of my focus on getting pg or not getting pg. I cannot waste anymore of my life on something I can't control. Right now, finances are such that I can't pursue treatments really. So whatever happens, happens. But I can control my career and putting my God-given talents to use. And that's what I'm focusing on here on out. I'll take the LSAT in December. I have to have everything turned in by Feb for admittance next fall. It feels good to take the focus off of how my body is failing me. After almost 3 years of focusing on nothing but CM and cervical position and O pains and 2wws, I'm just tired. I have to have something else to concentrate on. I'm still following everyone's stories and am happy for all of you who have gotten your BFPs recently but I think I'm going on hiatus for awhile. Not sure if I'll still post here or start a new blog about going to law school when you're 36 and whatever other adventures I come across.... but I'll still be around.

Good luck to everyone!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Feeling lost

The truth is I've been in a weird funk recently.... I'm tired of spending all my time worrying about TTC. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. Maybe I've lost hope... I just am starting to feel like its time to move on... I'm so tired of spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.... I'm tired of having to be jealous or bitter because everyone around me is blessed with the one thing I want.... I just feel done.

One thing that prompted this attitude change is what else but my frustrating mother. I ended up not going on the out-of-town trip with her. That was supposed to be this week. Work is crazy right now and I can't really take off 3 days in a row right now. But also because I have no doubt she would upset me. I was talking to her the other day about my brother who lost his home in the fire and she starts bringing up the Outlaw and White Trash.

Apparently they're both back on drugs. He's on speed and "dope", whatever that is. She's on meth and pain pills... He has a pending court case still that he goes back to court in October. If he's caught using, I'm sure his sentence will be much harsher. Of course his PO isn't drug testing him... Don't know why he's getting away with it AGAIN... So the other day, they were both coming down, she was holding the 6 week old baby and they got into a fist fight... Really??? And now the 2 drug addicts are going to be alone with that infant for the next 3-4 days on their own. Will they feed and change him? Who knows... Its really a terrible situation. And so sad that you can't trust grownups with their own child....

I told my mother I don't want to her about them anymore because its very frustrating to me. She's totally insensitive and doesn't understand of course, but I really do not want to hear anymore about this situation that they have totally caused for themselves... Why couldn't they give this baby up for adoption.... Sigh...

It just breaks my heart that these 2 idiots can have a child and not even try to do anything right and I'm stuck here in limbo... I told my mom CPS should take the baby just to be mean... and her response is "it would kill the baby"... not that it would kill either of the parents, cause let's face it, they don't give a fuck... I swear, whoever is in control of the universe has an awful sense of humor....

So for my own sanity, I have got to find something else to focus my life on... I just don't think I can keep doing this. I cannot stay in this constant fragile mental state I am in. I think I might have found something that would take the focus off of myself and my fertility problems. It would be huge and take a lot of work to get to, so I won't go into too many details right now... I'll let everyone know if it comes closer to fruition.

Hope you're all doing well out there.

Monday, September 19, 2011

No. 36 came and went...

Saturday was my 36th bday. It came and went without too much fanfare or heartache. The weekend was absolutely crazy. We had a wedding to go to Sat night. So I took Friday off to get my nails done and so the hubby could get some new tires on my car and an oil change and all that not-fun stuff I never want to do. Saturday as we're leaving the neighborhood to get haircuts and outfits for the wedding and we get rear-ended!!!! It was minor but any car accident shakes me up for a bit. Then Sunday I go to buy some new work pants and tell hubby I'll be home in an hour and when I go to leave the store the damn car battery is dead!!! Seriously!!!! My car had a better bday than I did. Hmph! Sooooo aggravating!!!!!!

Anywho, Fri night I did shed a few tears... My usual IF bday drama... Here I am turning 36 and no closer to even getting a BFP then I was when we started trying over 2 years ago when I was only 33. In just 1 month, my nephew turns 1 year old - this is the one that my SIL got pg with after we'd already been trying for 1 year with no results. So to me, I equate that nephew, more so than the others, with how long its been since we started trying.

So far CoachGirl's pg is going smoothly. I'm very happy for her, they've been trying about as long as we have.... but it completes the circle. EVERY female friend or relative I have has been able to get pg since we've started trying.... And what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing....

2 weekends ago I spend the day with my mom and it turns out the situation with White Trash ended up every bit as messed up as we thought it would. She watches baby AJ during the day while my mom's at work. But as soon as my mom comes home she hands the baby to her and asks if my mom will watch the baby while she goes outside to smoke. They never come back for the baby. They disappear all night without telling my mom where they're going.... I'm sure its drug-related... And the baby sleeps with my mom every night. My mom seems exhausted, more than usual. When we had my nephew's bday party at the bowling alley 2 weeks ago, my mom brought baby AJ with her. Neither one of his parents even came to the party!!!! Its just all on my mom.... And he's such a good little baby. Oddly tho, he's VERY alert for a 6 week old baby. His eyes were open the whole time! I've never seen a baby that age that awake. Don't know if that's residual from the mother's drug use or what... Of course, he has some health issues with the cleft lip/pallett and is already looking at surgery at the end of the month. But all I could think about was how much I wished they would have let me adopt him. I would have provided him with love and a good home... but I guess its just not meant to be....

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


My brother and his family are hanging in there. Donations have been pouring in from coworkers and friends, which means the world to me. My firm raised a nice chunk of change which I was so excited to give my brother at my nephew's bday party this last weekend. I know every little bit will help. We're still working on getting them into a furnished apt. Hopefully by the end of the week. And my bro is also going to go to my doc this week to get something for anxiety/depression. I asked him how he was doing emotionally and he said awful. Every night he wakes up with nightmares about fires. I feel so terrible for him. We're all doing what we can to pitch in tho.

Also, they found their dogs ALIVE!!!! They made it out of the fire!!!!!!! Of course now they have to figure out what to do while they're in the apt. Those dogs are way too big for apt living... But I'm going to try to talk them into letting the dogs stay with relatives. I know how hard that is. I had to scatter my dogs with all my relatives when I was relocated after Hurrican Ike, and it was sooo hard, but in the end we all came back together and I'm grateful I was able to feel like I was having a normal, stable life while everything was being rebuilt.

Its funny.... Focusing on his disaster has totally lifted me out of my pit of despair. I guess seeing a tragedy like this up close will do that to you. My bday is Sat and for the last few months I've been dreading it.... turning 36 without even a BFP under my belt... Plus last 2 weeks ago Coach Girl texted me that she's finally pg too!!!!! Believe me, I was bitter party of 1 all day.... I mean, seriously, every single female relative or BFF I have has gotten pg in the time we've been trying... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I wonder what God is trying to tell me...

But now, I find myself barely able to get worked up about my usual IF drama....To sit in your house and look around the room and think - if the fire dept showed up and said I had 10 minutes to get out, what would I grab.... what would I not be able to grab... Well, that really puts things in perspective. I've been so focused on trying to get help to my brother and that makes me feel good about myself. I really should have gone into some sort of helping field. Maybe it would help keep the pit of despair at bay...

AF should rear her ugly head today.... But, whatever....

I finally got a smart phone and OMG!!!!!! I can't even believe what this phone can do. Its soooo amazing!!!!!!! Maybe now I'll be able to figure out how to post more pics on here..... Its addictive, that's for sure!!

Anywho, I guess that's what's been taking up all my time and energy lately...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The irony of it....

My coworkers have been so wonderful in response to the news of my brother's house!!!!! Many people have already brought clothes, diapers, bottles to me which I'm taking to him tonight. I've even had someone donate a swing!!! It brings tears to my eyes.

The bitch of it is, everyone that stops by that doesn't know why I have baby stuff in my office says excitedly "Are you having a baby?!?!?" Grrrr!!!!! If you only knew, people, if you only knew.....

I'm not complaining tho. I'm so happy to be able to help them right now. There are pics of their neighborhood on the local news websites. Unfortunately, they lived in a mobile home so when I say it burned to the ground, I mean to the ground. There's not a single possession left. Its so sad. Many people were displaced by the fire so I pray they all find shelter and help to get back on their feet.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Heavy heart

Its with a heavy heart that I write this post. This last weekend was rough emotionally. I had planned a post in my head about my little pity party I'm having when I got worse news first thing this morning. My brother and Plain Jane's house burned down last night. :-( I'm soooooo sick about it. They live in Montgomery, Texas where the wildfires were burning yesterday. I talked to PJ this morning. Basically the police showed up with bullhorns and everyone had 15 mins to evacuate!!!! I mean, can you even imagine??? No time to grab family heirlooms and everything you would want to preserve. So they loaded the 5 year old, 2 month old and family cat in her car. She drives a small Saturn. My bro drives a motorcycle. They could not even load up their dogs!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach to even type this but they had to open the gate and let them go and pray they make it safely. I can't even imagine anything as horrible as that. They went to her mom's with nothing but the clothes on their backs and 1 change of clothes each. Everything is gone......

I know they have insurance but I also know what a lengthy process that is after what I went through with the hurricane. They don't have much money especially since they have med bills this year from my bro being in the hospital then her being in the hospital having the baby.

I'm devastated for them. I'm so sick right now I can't even think about anything else.

Anyways, if you would all be so kind to send out extra prayers or vibes or whatever it is that you believe in, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This pharmacy is killing me!!!

Turns out that Pon.stel made a HUGE difference!!!!! Friday was the worst day of the cycle, I had some cramping but that was the heaviest day so that's to be expected. The cramps were just a fraction of what they were last month. But after that one day, there were no cramps and the cycle was practically over by Sun!!! Woohoo!!!!!

Needless to say I was very excited to pick up my prescription yesterday. Its a sad day when having a "normal" cycle gets a person this excited. Anyways I get to the pharmacy and they tell me its going to be $400!!!! For 30 pills!!! Yes, 4-0-0!!! I basically told the pharmacist they're crazy and I'm NOT GOING TO PAY $400 FOR 30 PILLS!!!!! I should have known this was too good to be true..... Now what??? Back to the drawing board I guess. I'll call the doc's office and tell the nurse and see if they'll either send me more samples or call out 500mg naproxen...

I'm still fuming about it!!!!

Oh and one other thing - I went to one of those jewelry parties people have at their houses on Friday night with one of my BFFs who is 6 mos pregnant. First of all the jewelry was WAY WAY overpriced. I felt bad about it but I didn't buy anything. Fortunately we didn't have to stay long. So as we're leaving all the smokers who are sitting outside stop and start the "when I was pregnant" gab. Mind you, these women are all upper-class, professional women wearing designer clothes and shoes. Frankly, they were a little snobbish. And 1 of them had the nerve to say when her daughter was a baby, she hated the baby phase. Yes, that's right. She said out loud how she hated the baby phase, hated everything about it, how horrible it was. Now that her daughter is 3, she likes it a lot better. Gee, I'm glad you finally like your kid, Lady! Then a 2nd one chimes in about how horrible the baby phase was to her too - the crying, the colic, the demanding infant... Why would they tell all this terrible stuff to someone that is pregnant?? These are seemingly educated women that are married and got pregnant on purpose. Did they not know going in that babies cry?? So effing irritating!!!!!

Normally I don't wish IF on anyone, but I really wish they had some notion of the struggle some women have to go through to get what they completely take for granted. I know being a parent is hard. Probably the hardest thing you can do. And I know there are nights moms cry themselves to sleep because they think they did the wrong thing with their child, or had a hard day or whatever. But I'm sure if you asked any mother if she would rather go to sleep crying because she had a hard day as a parent, or if she'd rather go to sleep crying because she CAN'T have kids, I'm prettty sure I know which choice they would make.

At least the night ended on a good note. We went to another friend's house and split a bottle of wine (not the pregnant friend of course) and ended up having a great time. Turns out the after party was waayyyyyy better than the actual party!! :-)

Monday, August 22, 2011

Same ol, same ol....

AF showed up Friday as expected. I took the new meds. They helped some. Friday afternoon I had a decent amount of cramps, but it was less than the last 2 months, so they helped a little. I'll try them again and see. Of course, I had to take way more than the recommended dose.... As long as I can get some relief tho!

Don't know what to do about the trip with my mom. I called her Fri and thanked her for inviting me. She was her usual lovely self. *rolls eyes* So I ask her what we're going to do while we're out of town. She breaks out that she wants us to have drinks!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?!? After 4 1/2 years of sobriety, she's going to drink again????? Now I'm freaking out again. I don't think I can go with her if she plans on drinking. Or should I go to make sure she doesn't? She repeatedly told me when she first got sober that if she drank again, she's going to try to kill herself AGAIN. Thanks, Mom! I can't get that out of my head. She is a textbook alcoholic and can not drink casually is the bottom line. Guess I'm going to have to ask her straight up if she's really planning on going back to drinking. If she's going to drink, I'm staying home. :-(

Monday, August 15, 2011

Doctor appt.

So my doctor's visit was very anti-climactic. :-) Told the doc about all my pains. He said he's fine with waiting until Jan for insurance reasons. In the meantime he gave me Ponstel or mafenic acid (sp?) to try for the pain. That scrip is $90!!!! Fortunately he gave me samples to try first and told me there's a coupon online. Sure enough, I should be able to get it for only $20 with that coupon!!!! Love that doc!!!!! If the pharmacy refuses the coupon, I'll be calling and asking for good ol' 800mg ibuprofen.

I told him I was worried he'd go in and there wouldn't be very much in there even tho I have pain. He was very sympathetic and told me even one spot the size of a pin prick can cause a lot of pain so not to worry about that. I'll be going back in Dec to get the ball rolling on getting the lap set up for January.

Of course going on b/c pills is always an option and might help minimize pain and will help the surgery a little because you'll have less inflammation when you go in. But he said he understands if I don't want to go that route because we're TTC. If I decide to go on the pills, he'll call them out.

Really, that's the only 2 avenues - pain relief until the lap to remove the endo and/or b/c pills. I already knew that going down there tho, so no big surprises.

AF should arrive Wed or Thurs... Here's hoping the new stuff helps.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

2 thumbs up!

I just got back from watching the movie The Help. It was soooooo good!!!! It sold out this morning, but luckily we got there early enough to grab a seat. I had read the book and I rave to anyone who will listen how good it is. I was worried the movie would be a disappointment. But I think given their time constraints, they did a fantastic job. Naturally there were a few scenes that had to be left out. I was worried it would be sanitized for the general public, the message wouldn't come across. But the movie did a great job capturing most of the same emotions the book did. A couple of the darker scenes were left out, but still all in all, it was a great movie. Even DH liked it. He said it was one of the best he had seen in the last few years. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.... even DH's eyes.

Warning to IFers tho - there is a miscarriage scene. The book focuses more on that issue than the film did though.

Anywho I'd like to hear from anyone else that saw it what their opinion is. Last night I told my dad I was going to see it. And he tells me a lady he knows that saw it was disappointed - that they portrayed people who think they're better than everyone else. Um, so not the point!!! If that's ALL that lady took out of that film.... She's really clueless!

So this morning I got a text from my mom asking if I want to go on a road trip with her and a girlfriend of hers that will be visiting from out of town. 3 whole days together!??!?!? I don't know... we didn't talk at all this week.... maybe this is an olive branch from her. Maybe I should try to put past hurts behind me and try one more time to establish a good relationship with her. When I was talking to DH about it the other night, of course I had to get upset. He had a similar relationship with his dad who was also alcoholic. His dad passed away last year. His advice is that no matter how bad our relationship is, I'll still miss her when she's gone and regret not trying harder. So I've been mulling that over, then out of the blue today came that invitation.... Maybe I should try to be the bigger person and make things right.

P.S. I'll definitely be refilling my nerve pills if I go on that trip!! :-)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm still here

I finally broke down and made an appt with the gyno to see what the hell is going on in my lady region. The appointment is on Monday.

Here's what's going on. I am not having very much EWCM the last couple of months (I think because I've been off of my vitamins). But I did get SOME EWCM around day 12 and what felt like ovulation pains that were INTENSE. There were definite stabbing pains on my left side. But I never did get a positive OPK. The day I think I would have been most likely to get a +, I had only been holding my urine for about 2.5 hours instead of the 4 hours like the box recommends. So I know my sample was pretty dilute. I don't know for sure whether I O'd, but we did the deed a couple of times just to cover our bases. The thing that worries me is that when I have to pee, and I'm about to O, the pains are unbearable!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the pain is either a cyst or from the endo. I have a lot of the same symptoms as I did during the first go round with endo, but this ovary pain is definitely a new development. I know endo can interfere with the ovaries so it'll be better to find out sooner rather than later.

I have been putting off making the appt for some weeks now. I know it sounds stupid, but in the back of my mind I worry that when I go to the doc and tell him about these pains, he's going to try to minimize my feelings. The last doc didn't so I should probably have faith this guy won't either. Plus at my first appt, he said we should redo my lap after about 14 months whether or not I have symptoms. Anyhoo, I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just relieved to get it over with.

Plus, I plan on going in and telling him how brutal these last 2 cycles were and getting pain pills to hold me over until Jan when I plan on redoing the lap. My next cycle should start on Wed. I'm not really holding out any hope that this cycle will be a BFP. So I want to have those pills on hand. If my last cycle would have started on a weekday, there's no way in hell I would have made it to work. I can't call in every time my stupid period starts. Blah! I'll just get some drugs and hang on until we can take care of the problem AGAIN.

Not too much else is going on. I talk to my mom for about 5 mins every week or every other week. She called last Fri to tell me more sad news about my 3rd brother, the one I never mention. Sigh.... And I know have to go over there to visit the babies but I really don't know how I'll make it through sitting with these people for hours!!!! I'm related to them and I call them "these people"... Ugh!!!!! I CAN NOT even get through a 5 minute phone call with her without having to cry.... I don't know how I'm going to sit there and pretend I want to spend time with her right now. Its a vicious cycle I know I have to break, just not sure how or when. She hurts my feelings, I hurt hers, then we withdraw. Nothing ever gets fixed.

Sorry for the bumpy ride, I know my post was all over the freaking place today! That's pretty much everything that's been weighing on my mind lately.

Friday, July 29, 2011

The clouds have parted

I increased my zoloft to 100 mg about a week ago and I finally feel better! Yay for the breakthrough!! I just couldn't take staying negative and hopeless any longer!!! Here's to improved mental health!! :-) For anyone out there who hasn't struggled with depression or is opposed to antidepressants... here's how I describe it - When in the midst of depression its like a dark cloud is hanging over you and blocking all the sun. Once you start treatment or antidepressants, one day about a week or so later, you notice you feel better, like the clouds have parted and now hope or joy can come streaming in again. What a relief!!

Not too much going on. Hopefully I'll continue to ovulate early. I know when I tinker with my antidepressants, that affects my thyroid levels, so we'll see how this month goes.

I'm pretty sure after the last cycle the endo is back. Its not as bad as the first time I had my lap, but its definitely there. So I've been weighing the options of having my lap redone this year and I'll have about 5 months that I'll have 100% insurance coverage. Or wait until Feb when our insurance year starts over and have a whole year at 100%.

A couple of things to consider - 1) I'm pretty sure that part of my IUIs will be paid for once I'm on 100%. My ins covers anything diagnostic, so the monitoring will be paid for and i'll just have to come out of pocket for the IUI - about $350. So, potentially, I could afford more chances at IUIs, if they're partially paid for. ... I don't think I'll need meds since I'm ovulating in a timely manner now. 2) How much will waiting 6 months impact my fertility? I'm turning 36 in Sept. And I already feel like every month my chances decline a little more.... What to do, what to do....

I guess that's the gist of it. If I put it off until Feb, I will definitely be going to the doc to get stronger pain meds. No way I could have went to work if my cycle had started on a weekday instead of a weekend. I seriously couldn't leave the couch it was so awful.

I know its un-ladylike, but I have to admit I snore. Terribly!!!!!! All my life I've been told by docs my tonsils/adenoids are HUGE. I'm driving my hubby crazy with the snoring waking him up all night, every night. I'm starting to wonder if getting them removed would stop the snoring, and then we both would sleep better.... I'm still in the preliminary stages of research. The research is pretty mixed on whether the surgery is effective to stop snoring....

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Just as I thought

Well AF arrived yesterday. And it was brutal this month. I had horrible cramps to the point I was nauseous. I took 800 mg ibuprofen a couple of times and they barely helped. Guess its time to go back to the doc for something stronger. I know I'm going to have to have another lap, but my deductible is high so its going to be awhile before I'll have the money together to take care of it. So until then, painkillers it is. This endo is fun stuff, right? Boo!!!!

On a good note I think I'm having a decent luteal phase these last 2 months. I'm pretty sure its the thyroid meds that are doing it. Hopefully, that'll give us a chance one of these months.

That's all I've got for now. Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend out there!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Back in the saddle again

I'm back from vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. Let me tell you it was wonderful!!!! The temp never got over 70! Considering its 100+ every day where I am now, I thought it was wonderful, even when it drizzled a couple of days. We did some cool things like visit Mt St Helens. We shopped and ate out at some great restaurants. It was soooo hard to drag myself back in to work after a week of luxury!

My dad and I had some good talks. I'm thankful he is who he is. Some days it got to be a little emotionally heavy, but still, its better than any relationship I will ever be able to have with my mother.

Baby AJ spent his first week in the hospital. :-( He was on IV's and feeding tubes. But he's out now. He's still not gaining enough weight so they're probably going to have to go back to feeding tubes. Poor thing.... What a way to start out...

AF should arrive this weekend. No real hope for this cycle. We only managed to do the deed once during the fertile time... So, whatever.... *shrugs*

Twice this week I've had stupid dreams about being pg. One I actually dreamed I made it far enough to give birth. I rarely have pg dreams in the first place, but I don't think I've EVER made it to giving birth when I do. So they're pretty much freaking me out... Here I am trying to be more zen about TTC... and maybe even try to move on, and now I have to have these stupid dreams??? Maybe its my subconcious trying to work things out for me.

So before I left hubby and I were having a good lunch and I brought up the A-word... and without crying!!!! It was a miracle!!! Usually I'm a mess if I have to talk about giving up TTC. But I told hubby when I get back, I think I want to look into adoption and he said "ok"..... I realize we didn't get into the nitty-gritty details, but in the past if I've brought it up, he's immediately rejected even talking about the idea. So at least its out there. I don't know if logistically it will be an option for us as far as costs and the hoops we'll have to jump through. I really have no idea even what the first step would be.... have no idea where to find the info... I guess that will be my next research project.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No more negativity

Now that my vacation is only a few hours away, I'm really excited!!! Maybe all I needed to get out of the funk was some rest and relaxation! I'll post if I can figure out how to do it from my phone... sometimes I'm technologically challenged. hehe

Hope everyone out there has a great rest of the week!

The rest of the story

The baby arrived at around 5:00 yesterday. And guess what?? He has a bilateral cleft lip and cleft pallette. I'm so pissed at that lying skank. She said she had a 3d ultrasound and he had no cleft. Because of that, the hospital she had him at wasn't equipped to attend to him. Didn't have the special bottles, etc. So the poor baby had to be rushed by ambulance to a special pedriatic hospital where he can be cared for.

Why would she lie about that???? All I know is that if you really have a 3d ultrasound, you can tell whether or not there's a cleft, and go to the hospital that's most prepared. Either a) she had a regular u/s and lied, OR b) had a 3d u/s, knew there was a cleft and lied about it. I just don't get it. And she said the doc that did the u/s told her to go to a specialist to double check. She adamantly refused to go, no matter how many people tried to convince her. I don't know what the hell she's thinking. Apparently her mom and sister were bawling at the hospital because they were upset about it. This is the problem. We've had enough clefts in our family to know its not the end of the world, you just have to adapt to the baby and the special equipment. But that little idiot didn't prepare anyone.

Also, this idiot is on Medicare which makes me question the quality of medical care that the baby will be receiving. I wish she had private insurance so you can make sure the baby sees the best surgeons. I'm sure the medical care will be adequate, just wish it could be better than that.

So in the end, she's recovering in one hospital and her baby is somewhere else entirely. She really makes me sick! Ugh!!! Too much drama for one day!!!!

Anyhoo, I leave to visit my dad in Washington state this afternoon. Yay!!!! I get a break from the 100+ temps we have here. The high is 70-75 up there!!!!! I won't get back until next Wed. Guess I can finish dealing with this drama then. Or never. Everyone's in good hands now and I plan on enjoying my vacay!!!!!

If I hear anything else about the baby's condition, I'll post an update.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

White Trash Update

So far they've started inducing her today. When the doc broke her water, the fluid was green which means the baby has already had a bowel movement in utero. The doctor is none too pleased about that. I did some research and guess what the cause is - SMOKING! That dumb b*tch smoked her entire pregnancy, which means the baby has been deprived of oxygen, which puts the baby in distress which causes the bowel movement.

The baby may have to be put in NICU, receive oxygen and/or antibiotics. It could develop into pneumonia. It could be fatal. It could lead to an emergency c-section. It all depends on how long ago the baby had the BM and if its aspirated it into his lungs.

And all because she's such a selfish person she couldn't bother with prenatal care or to stop smoking. I'm pretty pissed right now. Thank God I'm not going to the hosp tonight. I would tell my bro point blank that this is HER FAULT. I told my mother that, but how much do you want to bet she'll play it off like it could happen to anyone. Grrr!!!!!

Anyways, I'll let everyone know when the baby gets here safe and sound... hopefully.....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sorry I've been out of sorts lately

I haven't posted for awhile... I just don't know what to say anymore. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll feel more optimistic down the road. AF came and went. The pain wasn't unbearable for the first time in a few months.

I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.

I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????

He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?

I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....

On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.

P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....

P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!

Friday, June 24, 2011

I finally stood up to her

I realize there have been more blogs lately about the idiots that I'm related to than my IF issues even though the IF is the whole reason I started this blog. There just never seems to be anything new to report on the baby-making front. Today is CD 22. Too early for me to have symptoms of AF and I've never really gotten to experience symptoms of the other, so there's not a whole lot there. We'll know something in a week or so.

So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.

So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.

He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.

I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.

So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.

I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.

I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.

That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!

Monday, June 13, 2011

I think I've confused my monitor

I'm pretty sure I O'd on Sunday. Day 12 is crazy early for me!!!!!!! Maybe the thyroid thing I've been droning on and on about for months now really was the key!!!! Had all the telltale signs - EWCM and ovulation pains and now the EWCM is gone. However, my stupid CBEFM monitor only started showing medium fertility on Sunday. I think maybe because I'm O'in A LOT earlier than I used to, it put back my 1st day to test to day 8 instead of day 6. That worked fine when I O'd late... but now if I'm O'ing on day 12 maybe it didn't catch it? Who the hell knows... It's frustrating the hell out of me tho!!!!! And I didn't use the back-up sticks because I normally wait for the medium fertility sign to start using those. Ugh!!!!! I was totally caught off guard and we hadn't even done much BDing... Looking back, It looks like we had some action Wed, Thurs, and Sun. Hopefully that covers the bases. If not, I guess it will just be the same as all the other cycles. *shrugs*

I pulled up directions on how to do a manual reset on the monitor today and I'm going to do that and start over with the new cycle. Hopefully that will fix this little snafu we're having.

I skipped White Trash's shower yesterday. I felt pretty guilty about it.... But I'm in a good place right now and did not want to end up in the bad place again if I saw her smoking or popping pills.... Then this morning I talked to Coach Girl and I'm sooooo glad I didn't go!!!!! She appeared sober, so that's good news. Yes, she smoked tho. I knew that would upset me. And she acted like she didn't want to be there. She couldn't even get excited about the gifts. How can someone not be excited when getting cute baby stuff?!?!??!! It all makes me squeal and I'm not even pg yet. HMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so ungrateful it makes me sick!!!!!!! Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself she doesn't have anything to do with my situation and I have to keep plodding along on my own journey, for better or worse..... What else can I do?

We will all love that little baby when he gets here... Its just so sad that she doesn't even hide that she doesn't really want this baby. Whatever... I'm hoping she'll get excited or feel something maternal when he gets here. For the baby's sake.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Quick update

Plain Jane is doing much better now! They're doing another EKG this morning and if all is ok, they're going to move her down to the Labor & Delivery floor. And she got to see the baby last night for a bit. I'm glad she's doing better. Once she gets in her regular room, the baby can stay with her and her older son will be able to visit. I know that'll be a huge relief for her!!!! Not sure when she's getting out yet. Usually after a c-section you stay in the hospital 4 or so days.... I'm sure sometime this weekend she'll get released.

Today is CD8. Already I have stretchy CM. That usually comes the day before I get the medium fertility sign on the CBEFM. We'll see.... Come on Big O!

This is going to be a really really stupid question.... I can't believe I'm even asking this.... But would BDing in the swimming pool be adverse to fertility? For some reason its the only time there's no pain. Still trying to figure out why that is... I have a feeling that's not ideal, so we'll just have to stick to doing the deed on land like the rest of the mammals. hehe

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Nephew #1 is here!

Plain Jane had her baby yesterday. I went up to the hospital after work to visit her and the baby. I'm so proud of me!!! Yes, I know, its not really all about me, but I really handled the visit better than I have in the past. I just kept telling myself, this has nothing to do with my IF. Whether or not they have children, it really has no bearing on whether or not I'll be able to. So I was able to actually enjoy the visit once I had removed myself from the equation. I held the baby - he's so perfect and tiny - and didn't even have to cry about it. He's really really cute. And seeing how sweet my brother is with him blows me away and really warmed my heart. He's such a good dad. :-) I was able to finally be in a place where I could be genuinely happy for someone else getting what I want so badly. And I think that was really positive. Hopefully, I can stay in this place.

Poor Plain Jane is in ICU because of her cardiac myeopathy (sp?). We went up to see her after the baby and the poor thing was such a mess. I actually cried a little when she started bawling because I could see she was in so much pain. She was having incredibly intense chest pains, to the point of not being able to breathe. Add to that the guilt of not being able to be with her brand new baby and her older son couldn't visit her either because he's younger than 10 years old and the poor thing was a wreck. She only has to be there for 24-48 hours, then she'll get to go back down to the labor & delivery floor for the rest of her stay. Since she had a c-section she'll be there at least until Fri.

Plain Jane can't breastfeed again and I know she was totally bummed about that. Its because of the cardiac medicine they have to put her on starting today. Plus the doc told her that she CAN'T have any more kids. They wanted 1 more. The selfish part of me says she should be happy she has 2 beautiful healthy kids, but then again, I totally get not being able to have a kid when you want one. So I do feel for her.

One thing that doesn't make any sense to me is - Her endo is back but they wouldn't go in and take care of it while they already had her open for the c-section. Doesn't that make sense to anyone else? That's what I would ask for. They also wouldn't go ahead and tie her tubes while they had her open. That's how they used to do it. I would think that would be better than going in again in 6 weeks just as the c-section is finished healing and reopening it. Especially since getting pg will put her life in danger, hello?????

I was a little teary on the ride home, but not like I was the last time I had to do a hospital visit. I just hope I get the chance to be there too one day.

Now that I'm feeling stronger and made it through this visit without any meltdowns, I'm reconsidering the shower on Sun. I feel guilty that I can't participate like I should be able to. Even tho I can't stand White Trash, I should be able to be there for my brother - this is his 1st kid after all.

Its CD7, no signs of fertility yet, but should be in about a week. I'm anxious to see if bringing down my thyroid levels will influence how early I ovulate like I suspect. We'll see....

Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone!!! I know my post the other day was pretty freaking depressing, I just had to get everything off my chest. But I'm feeling much better now.

P.S. Is Blogger pissing everyone else off too? I keep trying to publish this post and it keeps giving me errors. That on top of all the errors I get when I try to sign in. Ugh!!!! So frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Feeling discouraged

I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'm just feeling very discouraged right now. After this last cycle I am 100% positive that the endo is back. I'm having the same pains - pain during sex, pain during BM's - the only thing I'm missing is having my cramps start a week ahead of AF's arrival. I'm sure its just a matter of time before it gets to that point again tho.

I keep thinking maybe its just time to get off this IF merry-go-round and find something else to do with my life. I brought this up to DH over the weekend, and he says I'm just being a Negative Nelly and it will happen. I just don't believe that anymore. I can't tell if I'm feeling hopeless just because of PMS, or maybe my depression is getting worse or if I'm really done with all this.

I had money set aside to try an IUI but wouldn't you know it, the freaking A/C broke 2 weekends ago and the big tv this weekend!!! That's about $750 total, everything I had set aside. I was glad I had it tho. ITs already over 100 degrees where I live, so living without AC is not an option!!!!!!!! I'm just your average middle-class girl, living paycheck to paycheck. We get by just fine, I never have to go without, but everytime I get money for treatments, something else goes wrong and takes it away. Just makes me wonder.... Maybe fertitily treatments aren't in the cards... I think someone's trying to tell me, but I just don't want to listen.

I feel like there aren't a lot of people I can turn to IRL. Everyone I know has been able to get a BFP and have their happy ending, whether they were trying to or not. So its natural that they assume that it can happen for everyone. I don't believe that anymore. There's no guarantee, lets face it. And if history is any indication of how fertile I am, well it just doesn't look too good for me. I feel isolated and when I feel like this, I withdraw even more inside myself. I just don't know what to do now.

Yesterday in the mail I got an invite to White Trash's shower. I emailed my mom I"m not going, but I'll give her a gift to take with her. CoachGirl will probably go with my mom. She said she'd go so my mom won't have to be by herself and will have someone to talk to. She's nice like that. Me - not so much.... My mom and I seem to barely be speaking right now, so I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I know, I'm mean, I'm selfish, whatever. Its just where I'm at right now.

Plain Jane is in the hospital I just found out today. Her cardio myopethy is back. So they're doing the c-section tomorrow. So I guess I'll be going up to the hospital one night this week.

God give me the strength to get through this!!!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Finally some good news

Good news about White Trash's situation finally.... She FINALLY had a doc appt today.... They did a 4d ultrasound and the baby is fine!!!! Not even a cleft lip!! I can't believe it!!!! Its a boy and now she's due July 20 instead of June 25... I guess they miscalculated on her other u/s?

Of course the baby not having a cleft makes the family want my brother to get a DNA test just to be sure... I know it sounds mean... but he caught her writing "love" letters to a couple of other guys since they've been together. Allegedly, they were in jail at the time but she's just such a skank that nobody would put it past her. I guess I shouldn't speak so harshly, she just pisses me off for being so damn ungrateful to have this chance that the rest of us would give anything for!

There's been tons of drama this week with the whole situation. One day supposedly my brother thinks she's been freaking smoking meth while pregnant, the next day "just" popping pills. (As if that's ok.) Him leaving a gun in my mom's car.... I'm sure it was loaded, why else would you drive around with a handgun? I don't know what the hell is going on over there in Crazy Town, but I feel even more detached than ever from my biological family. Its no wonder I don't spend time with them. I don't live in the gun-slinging Wild West like they do.... The worst thing I do thats illegal is speed... I don't even know how I came out of that family most of the time... I like to say I must have been switched at birth. Anyways, its fine, I'm not letting myself get dragged into their drama anymore and get all worked up. I just let my crazy mother tell me what's going on, shake my head and move on. Wow, I almost sound like a grown up, don't I? :-)

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. But we didn't BD last night. Now I feel guilty about it. We did it the 3 nights before. I just dreaded the pain and couldn't bring myself to do the deed. Now I'm kicking myself. What if that ruins my chances this month????? Grrrr!!!! Its so frustrating... some people can get knocked up by doing the deed a single time or while on bcp... We've all heard those crazy stories... Then I torture myself day and night for missing one time.... Well, what's done is done and I just have to wait and see if anything comes of it.

I never did get a positive on the CBEFM. Not sure what would cause that. Stupid technology!! I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier, not confuse us more!!!

On to the 2ww and the imaginary pg symptoms...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

CD 13

Its CD 13 and I've definitely had ovulation pains for the last couple of days along with EWCM so I know the big O is right around the corner... Just to make sure I catch my surge, I've been testing in the evening with the smiley face O predictor sticks and in the morning with CBEFM... Last night I got my smiley face which should mean my LH surge was predicted, but this morning the CBEFM was still on medium fertility... Not sure what that means..... We've been BDing daily just in case... ;-)

But honestly as painful as its been this week, I'm not sure how many more days of BDing I have in me. My poor hubby... Right after my lap all my pain was gone and I could BD all I wanted and I was so excited and told him "I'm like a real girl again!!" hehe There's something definitely going on in there.... Anyone else wish they had a window into their plumbing so you could just take a look any time you wanted? That would be nice at times like these.....

So, come on big O!!!! Lets get this 2ww started...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Thanks for the outpouring of sympathy!! You guys are truly the best!!! The house is so much quieter without Ladybug. You'd think there would still be chaos with the little chihuahuas, but the house is eerily quiet now. I'm not sure if they know she's gone and everyone is subdued... or if most of the chaos from before just came from Bug having to go outside so frequently. Either way, we miss her terribly, but are doing better.

Today is CD11. I started getting stretchy CM on Sat and Sun was the 1st day of medium fertility on the CBEFM which means I had my estrogen surge. I started getting gobs and gobs of egg white CM yesterday, so hopefully the big O is right around the corner...

This might be TMI in other circles, but here among us blog buddies nothing is, so here goes... Does anybody else find BDing around ovulation time painful? Pain during BDing was one of the first signs I had that I had endo.... So I was just wondering if other people have pain when its close to O'ing... I'm thinking maybe I have a cyst or the endo is coming back... That's always going to be in the back of my mind, every time I have a weird cramp or symptom.... So I'm trying to figure out what's normal here... As if there are any "normal" cycles in the land of IF... :-)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Be forewarned - this is a sad post....

Thanks for all the well wishes!!! You don't know how much they meant to me!!!! I'm not going to lie.... having to put poor Bug down was definitely one of the hardest things I ever had to do... This is going to be sad so I'll understand if you want to skip this one....

I took her up there with the intention of just dropping her off... I know that's a cowardly thing to do, but I have been dreading this day for YEARS.... So I walk in and start crying right away... I can't even tell them what I'm there for. I had made the appt already so the receptionist asks "Ladybug?"... I nodded... I had to wait until the room was prepared... I managed to choke out to the receptionist that I did not want to watch this!!!! She said I didn't have to. But I did have to go back to the room and sign some forms.

We got to the room and the tech comes in... We go over the options, I make my choice and tell him I do not want to see this... but he asks if I can stay while they put the IV in... so she doesn't panic... That broke my heart. I knew then that I'd have to stay for the whole thing.... Its the least she deserves from my after being so faithful and loving to me for all these years. So I helped hold her down while they started the IV, crying the whole time... When she cried out from starting the IV I really bawled. Finally they put the 1st shot in and within 30 seconds she was snoring. At that moment I could tell she was at peace, and not laboring to breathe, I knew I had done the right thing, that it was her time to go. She shouldn't have had to suffer anymore because I'm too chicken to go through with this. So finally she was gone and they left me alone with her for me to say my goodbyes.

I'm sorry if that was too graphic for all you with furbabies... I know that even before this I could never read a story about a dog being put down... But I had to get it out for my peace of mind.

Let me tell you I was a mess the rest of the day. I kept breaking down even tho I know it was the right thing to do. I was so drained by that night, I had 2 glasses of wine and passed out for 12 hours. When I woke up Sunday, I felt a little better, and at peace knowing she's not suffering anymore. So each day is getting a little better. Its just kinda surreal... after having her in my life every day for all those years... and now she's gone... I'll always be thankful for having Bug in my life and for being able to have her for so long. And I guess that's the best note I can end this post on....

Thanks again for all your sympathy!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Its going to be a hard day around here

Today, in about 1 hour in fact, we're having our 16 year old cocker spaniel put down. I'm so sad right now. We've had her since she was 5 weeks old. She was the first dog I ever had as an adult, that was mine. She's always been a great dog. But at this age, so many health problems pop up. Maybe I should have even done it a few months ago, but I've been dreading it so much I chickened out. I know what I have to do, I just pray God gives me the strength to get through it...

Goodbye, Ladybug, I'll always love you.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

White Trash update

Today is CD 6... Not too much going on... Just waiting to get the word from the monitor that its go time... Without clomid this cycle tho, it might be a long wait....

I talked to Coach Girl last night. Apparently there are plenty of updates on White Trash, tho none of them are good... She wasn't at the Mother's Day dinner at my mom's because she's in freaking jail!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, she got sentenced to 60 days in jail and she's 6 weeks away from her due date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so upset I could puke! Fortunately I think the county she's in you get 3 days credit for every 1 day served.... So likely she'll be out by the time the baby comes. At least I'm praying for it....

She still hasn't gone to the doctor once!!!!!! And she hasn't bought one single thing for the baby.... And my brother found out she's still trying to get pills... So he went around and told all the drug dealers that if he finds out they sold her anything he'll kill them..... This is so white trash its not even funny anymore.....

Looks like this situation is turning out worst-case scenario unfortunately for the baby, the only innocent one here... So we still don't know if the baby is going to be born with a cleft... and it may be born addicted to drugs and will definitely be born addicted to nicotine. Its breaking my heart..... I'm totally numb right now I'm so frustrated....

I just don't understand why God has chosen to give this effing drug-addled loser a baby.... And not one for me... I know I'm not the only one struggling with the unfairness and I guess I'll never have an answer.... But it still sucks all the same. I just find myself losing hope.... Like if I was meant to have a child, surely I would have had one by now.... So maybe that's my answer no matter how much I don't like it....

I know you all understand out there so thanks for listening!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Thank God for my In-Laws

So I survived Mother's Day as I suspect the rest of you did too. It actually turned into a much nicer day than I had expected. We floated around in the pool for a few hours and I got a little color. As I floated around, I could feel all the tension just melt right out of me. When I got out of the water I felt like a new person. :-)

Then I went to a ballet performance with my niece, MIL and SIL. My niece goes to a Christian ballet school that feeds into a professional ballet troupe that performs all over the world as their mission work. The students have a performance every summer. But last night was the production put on by the teachers and professionals that actually perform in other countries. And I cannot say enough about how beautiful and elegant it was!!!!! In just a few weeks they'll be performing that ballet in Hungary. What an exciting life!!!

My MIL has always bought me a little something on Mother's Day..... when she first started I would protest and back then I didn't know if I was going to have kids.... But she'd say I'll be a mother someday and still give me a gift. Honestly, I've been dreading that this year... the thought of receiving a gift when I don't know if I'll ever get to be a mother and how that would make me feel. But I actually felt very moved and tears may have been shed. It felt good that someone still thinks there's a possibility that I'll have a child when some days I don't even feel that optimistic. All I know is I am so fortunate to have in-laws like I do. People that love me and are kind and generous to me.... More so than the family I was actually born into.

Now for the negative part of the day.... I thought about just texting my mom Happy Mothers Day... but then I decided to call her. We have talked in 2 weeks.... It was a very hollow conversation. We don't have the type of relationship where we can actually talk through our problems... so it was pretty strained. I asked what she's been up to... She talked for a few.... Then we're quiet for a few. Does she ask how I've been or what I've been doing? No.... Still crickets.... Then she asks what we're doing for Mothers Day. I tell her I'm staying in. My cramps were bad and so I didn't want to do anything. Then she goes back to talking about her medicines.... That's it... No I'm sorry this cycle didn't work... No I'm sorry you're going through this... No how are you holding up.... nothing... So she was cooking dinner for all my bros. She didn't invite me and I'm glad she didn't because I just would have had to say no. The last thing I'm going to do is spend the day with White Trash (who lives there so would definitely be there). She said her grease was starting to burn... I said I'll let you go then... She said she'd call me back... and that was it. She didn't call me back. So I'm not calling her again. For anything. I can be just as petty and immature as she can. Honestly, my life is happier when I don't talk to her.

And even after that dismal conversation, I was able to have a good day.... and feel loved at least by my in-laws... So that's all that matters.

Oh yes, I almost forgot my cycle update. AF showed up Sat night.... I didn't have a total meltdown. I cried a little Sunday... but either the zoloft is at the right level or I'm doing better... Its probably the zoloft... :-) Unfortunately cramps have been horrendous. This morning I was sitting at my desk and I had a wave of cramps roll through me that literally had me doubled over and I couldn't breathe until they subsided. I don't know WTF that is.... Of course I'm going to assume its the endo coming back. The only time I've ever had cramps in the abdomen or uterus is when I had the endo. I'm usually a back pain kind of girl.... I popped an 800 mg ibuprofen and hopefully that'll keep them away for the day....

On Wed I do my bloodwork for Dr. Z for next Tuesday's appt. All I know is she has got to fix my thyroid!!! I'm going to beg, plead, cry, whatever it takes.... I feel like getting my TSH back below 1.0 would cause my to ovulate early like in January. Then I wouldn't need clomid and I would lfeel like there is hope. If that doesn't happen, I don't know what I'm going to do!!!!!! So my fingers are crossed....

Monday, May 2, 2011

Today is brought to you by the letters B, F & N

So I tested at 10 dpo and it was a BFN as usual. :-( I cried a few times today but I'm doing ok now. I wanted to get it out of the way. I didn't think I could handle AF surprising me this weekend with it being Mother's Day. With my luck stupid AF would be late for once in my life and get me all excited. Anyhoo I definitely considered boycotting this weekend, but I'm working on getting myself back together. I can make it through one dinner with my MIL. Its to celebrate her, not me... I just have to remember that. And we're going out to eat on Sat instead of Sun. But I've already given the hubby fair warning that I'll likely be a mess on Sun, so don't plan on leaving the house. Hmph. I just don't think I can face walking into a restaurant or store or whatever and hear Happy MD... It makes me want to shout "I'm not, I'm infertile but thanks for reminding me!!!!!" I know, I know, Bitter Party of One here....

Still no word from my mom... Guess she doesn't plan on talking to me anymore than I plan on talking to her. Whatever.... At least I don't have to worry about working her in this weekend. I'm not up to celebrating with that side of the family... White Trash and Plain Jane will be there and no way I can be around that idiot right now. I would have just done something one-on-one with my mom. Oh well, maybe we'll catch up after Mother's Day.

I got nominated for 2 blogging awards last week!!!! Yay!!!! Sorry for being so late giving a shout-out but I promise I'll get it up tomorrow and pass them on. Thanks for all the support!!!! It really means the world to me!!!! :-)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Why didn't I think of that????

So I mentioned last week that my thyroid seems to be throwing a fit and now my levels are back to where they were when I started... which means I feel sluggish and droopy. Of course the 1st thing I did was turn to Dr. Google to see what kinds of meds or foods would cancel out thyroid meds... I just couldn't believe a 1/2 blood pressure pill would cause that much chaos... And lo and behold I found plenty of sites that says that freaking zoloft cancels your thyroid meds!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy sh*tballs!!!!! It didn't even occur me to run it by Dr. Z!!!! Before when I was on antidepressants all she said was she didn't prescribe antidepressants so I'd have to continue getting them through my GP. So thats what I did. That has to be what made the difference. Nothing else was different. Either that or it was just a coincidental Hashi's flare up...

Now I have to wait until May 10 to have my blood drawn again. The following week I'll go back to Dr. Z and can have my meds upped if my levels are still high. Thank God!!!!!

Last night my hubby says he thinks I should stop taking the zoloft. I'm like "What?!?!?" He said because he can tell I act and feel run down. I told him he's crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not continue to cry for 10 days every time I get a stupid BFN!!!!! He'll just have to put up with me being sluggish for another few weeks. I'm really starting to feel better and more stable. No way am I giving them up yet.

I haven't talked to my mom in about a week and I feel guilty about it... but I honestly no longer enjoy conversations with her so I don't feel the need to call her. Isn't that awful???? The whole time we're on the phone she talks about herself... Usually repeating herself over and over.... And if I say anything about my life most of the time she honestly acts like she doesn't hear what I've said and she just keeps on talking in circles like I'm not even there. Its so frustating. Then when I called her for once looking for comfort when I got my last BFN, what does she did but totally minimize my feelings and tell me I can't keep getting upset. So I feel like I'm at an impasse with her.

My dad not only told me about the divorce this last weekend, but he also revealed that he's in recovery. I knew he had been going to a men's support group to deal with growing up with an alcoholic, abusive, sadistic father. But I wasn't aware of his own struggles with addictions. So he said he's been clean for 18 months which is great. And he said he's onto the step about making amends and told me if he did anything in my childhood that was hurtful he was sorry and he wants me to tell him about it. I was touched down to my core because I could tell he was so sincere and earnest and open. I told him I was touched and appreciated the gesture, but I'm fine. And just to show you how crazy I am, that made me mad at my mom because she's been in recovery for 4 years and I'm still waiting for her to take accountability for being an alcoholic parent. Hmph!!!! Guess its a good thing I wasn't holding my breath waiting for that apology! HAHA I really hope my dad is able to find peace with himself through the recovery process and comes out on the other side better off.

6 days dpo here.... Tick tock..... I just want to be able to POAS already!!!! Part of me is hopeful... part of me just wants to get it over with so I can move to the next cycle.

Monday, April 25, 2011

2WW again....

So here we are in the 2ww again... Please God let this be the one! I got positive opks on Thurs night and Friday morning. I think I might have O'd Friday. Friday night was back to negative and my EWCM dried up so I'm pretty sure. I know I'm very fortunate that clomid doesn't take away my EWCM. The temp thing doesn't usually work for me because of the thyroid problem I guess. My temps are usually all over the place. But we got in some timely BDing and I'll start taking the progesterone tonight and we'll see what happens in about 10 days, won't we?

Easter weekend was good. Got my highlights redone. Did a little shopping and A LOT of going out to eat with my Dad. Our visit was good but it turns out he's getting a divorce and a lot of issues came up. So there were a lot of tears and a lot of me keeping my poker face on... It was exhausting!!!! I'm so glad I'm on the zoloft. If this weekend would have happened a month ago when I was crying several times a day over nothing I wouldn't have made it through this weekend in one piece. I'm still processing everything, so I'll write more later when I figure out how I feel about everything.

Easter dinner was excellent and I got to hide the eggs for my niece and nephew. That's my favorite part!!!!! Well that and dyeing the eggs, but I didn't get a chance to do that this year since I was entertaining my Dad. We saw the Lincoln Lawyer. OMG is it good!!!!! Very suspenseful... and a little eye candy like McConnaughy (sp?) definitely doesn't hurt!!!

How many days till the next 3 day weekend??? Let the countdown begin! LOL

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Effing thyroid!!!!!!

So yesterday was a marathon of doc appts. I took the whole day off work and spent all day going from doctor to doctor. Oh well, me and hubby had a nice dinner at my favorite mexican place when I was done so at least it ended well!!

Well woman was fine. He did say I should take a cycle off since I've taken clomid 3 cycles in a row then we'll do a monitored cycle with a trigger shot or IUI. I guess that will be about June.

I guess that's something to look forward to....

I asked Brandy to increase my zoloft to 75 and she was fine with that. I do not want another 10 days of despair like my last cycle. Ugh!!!! I could hardly stand to be around myself. I definitely back to myself now thank God!!!!! She said if in a few weeks I feel like I need to go up one more level, just call her and she'll give me a new scrip. Thank God for Brandy!!!!!!! She doesn't make me feel like a loser for needing antidepressants like that other quack.... Whew!!!!!

Lastly unfortunately was the thyroid appt. I have been really tired lately and slipped back into taking naps when I get home from work and on the weekend. I knew something was wrong. Even Hubby noticed and asked if I was still on the thyroid meds.... Turns out for some reason my thyroid levels are totally jacked up again!!!! ARRGGHHH!!!! Its so frustrating!!!! My levels were 2.5 when I first started the meds.... then they went down to 1.0 then they were too low at 0.3. So at my last appt the doc told me to take 1/2 a pill twice a week to get me back to 1.0. My levels were 2.5 again on this last visit!!!! What the hell?!?!? Its like I never took any meds. I just don't get it.

The only thing I did different was started taking my new bp pill (1/2 only) in the morning. They say to take your thyroid meds alone because some meds can block some of the absorption... but I find it hard to believe that the 1/2 bp pill blocked the synthroid totally and completely!!!!! So don't know what's going on there... This month I'm going to take the bp pill an hour after the synthroid and see if that makes a difference.....

Its CD 14 and still no positive OPK. The CBEFM is showing medium fertility so it should be close. And yesterday was the 1st sign of stretchy CM. Hmmm.... If I get a positive tomorrow then I'll be ovulating on day 16-17 and that's while on clomid... That's no good!!!! That's the reason I'm taking the stupid clomid is to force ovulation earlier. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is due to my stupid effing thyroid... I looked back over my past charts and the month I ovulated earliest was the month my thyroid level was at 0.3.... When its in the 2.something range I ovulate really late....

This really sucks and its pissing me off!!!!! I know its not recommended to take take clomid more than 6 months and I've already used 3 and maybe because of my stupid thyroid those cycles have been wasted.... What do I do when my 6 months of clomid are done????? Maybe I just have to be done and move on.... I don't know what else to think.... From what I understand if I do a Timed Intercourse or IUI cycle, the trigger shot will tell me exactly when I'm ovulating, but it won't force me to ovulate earlier, right? I mean they have to wait for the follicle to get to a certain size so I don't think that will help.....

How's everybody's Easter shaping up? My dad will be in town from Washington so that will be nice to get to spend some time with him. I'm sure we'll go out to eat a few times... and watch the niece and nephew hunt for eggs and have a yummy Easter dinner.... Hopefully sleeping in late will be in my forecast too! :-)

Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Back from the Pit of Despair

So I took my last BFN really hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. I cried for like 10 days. Finally on Friday I was able to get through the day without crying. And I've been ok since. I feel like I'm being such a drama queen, complaining so much about a stupid BFN. Maybe it was the clomid too. I was feeling pretty hopeless the last month I took it. Stupid hormones!!!! And I'm sure this doesn't even compare to what so many of you have gone through with injectibles. I don't know how you do it.... While I was in my miserable funk, I made the mistake of calling my mother..... Yeah, won't do that ever again if I need to feel better. She says the usual "just be patient".... I tell her I've been patient for 2 years.... isn't that long enough? She says "you can't say its been a long time until its been 5 or 6 years...." What?!?!??!!?! Then I blew up and told it has been 5 years off and on.... I'm only counting 2 years because we've tried every cycle for these 2 years... before it was just off and on so I'm not even counting those years... But I feel like I've been stuck in this same point for YEARS and its definitely taking a toll on me. She says "You can't keep getting upset every time you get a cycle." .... That's my mother for you.... helpful as ever.... So this Tuesday the 19th I took the day off for my multitude of doc appts. I have my well-woman in the morning. I'm going to talk to the doc about what's the next step - IUIs... Then I see my GP. I'm going to ask her to increase my antidepressants. I can't take another week and a half like I just went through. ThenI have an appt with the thyroid doc. I'm sure my levels are fine now. I'm sure I'll have to do another u/s of my thyroid since lucky me had a new cyst pop on my last u/s. I knew they should have just taken that stupid thyroid out. Oh well, its nothing I can't handle. Looking at the calendar it looks like AF is due to start the day before Mothers Day. Are you freaking kidding me????? So I'll know the cycle is a failure and then have to go sit in a stupid restaurant with every pregnant woman. Ugh!!! I have been dreading Mother's Day for months. I get upset every time I think about it and now AF will more than likely be here that day. I'm going to be a wreck. I'm thinking I might have to boycott this year and barricade myself in the house for the day. Told you I've turned into a total drama queen.....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Big sigh...

I tested this morning and BFN as usual. I was upset and cried for a bit. Then I got dressed and came to work. What else can you do in this game? On the one hand I'm bitterly disappointed... this marks 2 years -2 fucking years!!!!!!! -of TTC. On the other hand, what did I expect? To magically get knocked up just because it had been 2 years? Should I have learned from the other 23 months that maybe its not in the cards, that its not going to be that easy? I had convinced myself there was hope... Had some imaginary symptoms - nausea, heartburn, fatigue, but I guess it was all in my head. I really really hate when I let my guard down and get my hopes up. Ugh!!!!!!! So just waiting for AF now. I had some cramps last night so I'm sure it will be tomorrow or Thurs. I'll do the clomid again. April 19 I go for my well-woman and while I'm at the doc's office I'll find out all the pricing info for the monitored cycle, either timed intercourse or IUI. Thanks for all the well wishes for my brother! He got out of the hospital yesterday. He's feeling a lot better. He goes back to work tomorrow. They said the medicine should continue working so he'll continue to improve at home. The doc said all the tests came back negative but he's sure it was Guillian Bairre and the treatments worked so I guess that's what it was. Weird tho.... He was at an excellent hospital and I'm just glad they got him fixed up. Good thing I'm on the antidepressants already....Now if only I can hang on for one more cycle.... At least that's what I tell myself.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Happy Friday!

I saw my brother last night. He looks good. He's not in pain. The tests for Guillian-Barre came back negative so far, but they have to send off cultures. They went ahead and started the treatments yesterday anyways. Its basically blood products - like plasma - given through IV. Each bag takes 6 hours, for 5 days in a row. And costs $3000 per bag!!!!! He's in the middle of changing jobs so he has to go on cobra and they don't know how much or if any of this is going to be paid for. Plus they got the 2nd baby coming in June/July. When it rains, it pours..... 2ww is halfway over. No symptoms, real or imaginary as usual. Guess I'll test on Wed. I've found if I test and get a BFN I'm not as upset when AF shows up.... and let's face it, she ALWAYS shows up.... The Zoloft is definitely helping!!!! I'm not crying every day anymore. I didn't get upset seeing Plain Jane last night. I even watched Greys. I haven't been watching it cause I really didn't want to see the pg storyline.... but the previews intrigued me. Callie was in a wreck and while they were working on her body, she has an out of body experience and her spirit sings and watches over her. Man was it good!!!!! I bawled!!!!!!! Well maybe I was hormonal a little... but it was a really good episode I thought. Looks like next week they go back to high drama with the baby born premature so I doubt I'll be watching anymore. Oh yeah, and one more thing about Greys, Meredith admitted how jealous she was at Callie's baby shower because it happened so easily for Callie and Meredith has been trying for months... That really got me. I was sooooo happy they put that in!!!!!! That's reality for an IFer for sure..... and I'm glad they portrayed it like a normal human emotion not a psychopath.... That's all I got.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!! I was going to go visit my brother yesterday but I called when I was headed up there and they had just taken him downstairs for a spinal tap and a MRI. So I told Plain Jane I'd come up there tonight. The good news is he's not in any pain. I guess all the docs are leaning to the Gillian-Barre but we won't get the test results back until today. If that's what it is he'll have to be in the hosp for probably another 5 days so they can give him his treatments via IV. Basically it started Sat that his feet felt numb - like they went to sleep but without the pins and needles. Between Sat and Tues its gotten worse and now the numbness is up to the top of his knee. So its hard to walk, his feet kinda drag. I guess they're kinda like dead weight? The longer you wait to get treatment, the farther up it goes. He can make a full recovery, but he might have some weakness afterwards. Its an autoimmune neuropathy so he could get episodes periodically. Apparently you usually get an episode after getting over any kind of viral infection. And sure enough, he was sick about 3 weeks ago. So this is all what I've gotten online and from Plain Jane's mom who is a RN. I'm eager to hear what the actual doc says about it when we get the results back today. Apparently, the docs at the hospital he's at said they haven't seen a case in about 20 years. So maybe its really rare? Guess autoimmune stuff is definitely strong in our family. He has this, I have Hashis and at least 1 cousin has Crohns - all autoimmune. I'll post an update when we hear back from the doc and after I visit him tonight. My mom said he's in good spirits, just antsy to get out of there. But he's probably got another week in there. I know he's going to hate hearing that! If anyone knows anyone who's had this, I'd love to hear about it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My poor brother

I just got a call from my mom. My brother's in the hospital. He's the one married to Plain Jane. Apparently his feet went numb this morning and it started traveling up his legs. He's an outdoor kind of guy. So they're testing him for Lyme Disease and Guillain-Barre Syndrome. The Lyme Disease comes from ticks and he went hunting a few weeks ago. But this other one - GBS - sounds really nasty. They don't know why someone gets it, its autoimmune. And you could be in the hospital for weeks. For now they're running the tests and have him on antibiotics just in case. Probably won't get the test results until tomorrow. I hope they figure it out soon and get it under control!!!!

Still waiting....

Almost halfway through the 2ww, nothing to report really. Of course that makes me think this isn't the month. Guess we'll find out in a week. I'm definitely feeling better on the zoloft!!!! Maybe its just placebo effect since I've been on it less than a week. But I feel like I'm less negative right now. I haven't gotten mad every time I see a celebrity has a BFP. I don't get all weepy every time I'm alone with my thoughts. I know its little things, but its progress for sure. I got a nook last year and I finally figured out how to access free books from the public library. Its awesome!!!! I put a ton of books on my wish list. Some titles I was looking for weren't available as an ebook yet, but there are lots I'm interested in. Even a couple on IF and hypothyroid stuff. Woo! I'm a huge nerd and I love reading!!! Free books was one of the main reasons I wanted to get the nook in the first place. Other than that, not much is going on. Tick tock....

Friday, March 25, 2011

A good laugh for today

Someone sent me this link today. Even though I was at work I died laughing!!!! Maybe its just me....


Hope it makes somebody else out there laugh too.

Problem solved!

So I just got back from the doc. This lady - I'll call her Brandy - is soooooo freaking nice! I wish all docs were like her. So she put me on Zoloft which is safe for TTC. I'll go back in 1 month to see how I feel. She didn't put me on anything long-term for the anxiety yet because like she pointed out, my anxiety attacks could be a manifestation of the depression. So she gave me ativan that you can take if you're actually having an anxiety attack. Obviously not once you get a BFP tho. :-) Its weird, when you struggle with anxiety, sometimes just knowing you have the option of taking something it quiets the anxiety a little. And not having a doctor totally dismiss everything you're saying like the Kelsey doc did in September helps. That bitch told me she couldn't see why I would be depressed about IF?!?!? Idiot!!!!!

Brandy also changed my BP medicine. I'm on a very small dose, but that Kelsey doc put me on one you can't take if you're TTC!!!! I told the Kelsey doc I was trying and working with an RE. And I specifically asked if that one was ok and she said we'll look into it IF I get pg. I guess she didn't believe I can get knocked up either. Hmph! Brandy told me today that if you take that one, it can prevent the baby's kidneys from developing!!!!! Arrgghhh!!!! That would have really been a terrible situation. Maybe there's a reason I haven't had my BFP yet after all...... God's waiting until all my meds are correct. :-) If only it were that simple....

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. When I got home last night I was having terrible ovulation pains, and then *poof* all gone.... Today nothing, no EWCM and no ovulation pains. Which would explain why the digital OPKs didn't work... I took it too late for the LH surge to trigger a positive.... I'm such an idiot sometimes!! hehe Of course I don't know why it triggered the other??? Maybe 1 is more sensitive???? *shrugs* Whatever, all that matter is we got in BDing on Wed and Thurs and probably tonight so my bases are covered.

I hope everybody has a nice weekend!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Some good news!

I'm sure I sound totally wacky right now.... Stupid clomid!!! Thanks to everyone who let me know that clomid messed with their emotions too!!!!

So on the way home last night I stopped at a pharmacy and got the Clear Blue OPKs.... the digital ones with the smiley face. I thought - Ha! I'll show you CBEFM!!!!! So tested last night and it was negative. This morning I took both OPKs... and the CBEFM gave me my LH surge and the digital one did not!!!!! WTF!?!???! I guess today since the CBEFM gave me the news I wanted to hear, that's the one I'm going to believe! HAHAHAHA Whatever, I'm just happy I finally got a positive on one of these damn sticks and it coincided with the EWCM I got yesterday. So we BD'd last night and I plan on making sure we cover the next few days.... Theoretically it only takes one good timed BD right???? ;-) Swim, little swimmers, Swim!!!

On to my mental health.... I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor to get something for depression and possibly something for anxiety. I feel terrible even admitting that to you guys. Here I bitch about White Trash taking stuff and I'm considering taking antidepressants. I realize there's a big difference between being a drug addict and fighting depression and from what I've read Zoloft is safe for TTC, but I still feel bad about it. I just can't take it anymore tho. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but every day something makes me cry. And its been like this for awhile, for months so this I can't blame on the clomid. I can feel it just beneath the surface at all times and I can't take it anymore. I really have to get control of this and sooner rather than later.

I've been pretty sure I have general anxiety disorder for awhile now. My mom was diagnosed with it a few years back and her therapist told her that her kids should be tested for it. I can usually keep the anxiety monster at bay. However in this IF struggle it has gotten out of control. I have minor anxiety attacks even before something fun like meeting friends for lunch. And I started the loom knitting thinking that would relax me but it flares up when I start a new project or am shopping for yarn. Seriously?!??! Who gets anxiety over shopping for yarn???? I realize how crazy I sound and it only makes me feel crazier for actually admitting it to someone else but I have come to the realization that something has to be done so I can get this under control. Even if by some miracle an egg got fertilized, I don't know if it could implant when my body is always in panic mode like this.

So tomorrow morning I have a doc appt which means I have to put my big girl panties on and tell the doctor that I'm not coping too well here. Fun times this IF journey is full of....

Don't worry, I'll talk to the RE before we do any further treatments to make sure he's ok with me being on Zoloft. I wouldn't do anything that goes against his better judgment. But I really need some help holding it together.

Thanks for listening! It makes it so much easier to get through this knowing you guys are out there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Does anyone out there have any luck with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM)? I'm on CD 12 and it hasn't even given me the high fertility sign yet. Typically it gives you high fertility for 4 - 5 days when your estrogen surges then peak fertility when you LH surges. Last month I got my high fertiity sign around CD 10. And I ovulated around day 14-15. Warning - TMI ahead - just now when I went to the restroom I had A TON of EWCM. And my cervix is open, so I know I'm getting to my fertile days. But why won't that stupid monitor act right???? It makes me so freaking mad I want to throw it into the wall. Guess I'll stop on the way home tonight and get the digital OPKs so I can have a backup in place.

I think clomid makes me feel hopeless. I hope its the clomid anyways..... I just feel like nothing's going to work. I feel terrible complaining about being hopeless when I know there are so many fellow IFers who have already gone through multiple IUIs or IVFs and still have the strength to march on.... Yesterday I googled clomid and hopelessness because I read it on another blog and there were some hits. It can exacerbate depression so that causes the hopelessness I guess. Isn't that a wonderful side effect? Hmph. And here I was so proud of me for not getting the rage I got last month. I think I'd rather have the rage than the hopelessness... Hubby probably wouldn't agree. hehe

I'm just rambling here without going in any direction. That's how blah I feel. I can't even come up with a point to my post.

I've been thinking this week maybe I need to go to the family doc to see about antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety. I can't stand being blue all the time. My husband can see it and has commented on it. I get severe anxiety just thinking about it. I've had docs minimize it before and then you just feel stupid. Plus I'm one of those people that hates having to ask for help. So it takes a lot for me to be able to work up to making an appt and explaining to the doc what I need.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer today. That's all i got for now tho...

Friday, March 18, 2011

A new project!

Thanks for all the comments about the hat I knitted!!!! So here's my stab at a dog sweater, being modeled by a friend's beagle puppy (we'll call her T). Mind you I was trying to make this for my fat little chihuahua so the sizing isn't perfect.

Pretty good for my first try, right???? The only thing I totally screwed up was the hem at the bottom of the sweater, which you can't see. But when I took it off the loom, I used the wrong stitch, so instead of it being stretchy, it doesn't have any give. Because of that snafu, there's no way it's going over Fat Lulu's head!!! hehe I don't know how I did that... Definitely something to figure out for the next time. But it was super easy and only took a few hours.

I'll try to post some pics of the loom knitting process this weekend. I'm serious when I say its the easiest craft I've ever taken up!!!! If you can hold a loom and wrap a yarn around all the pegs, you can loom knit!!!! T got one for herself after I showed her mine and she already made a hat on her own too!!!!

As far as the cycle goes, there's not too much going on right now.... Tonight is the last dose of clomid.... This time was A LOT better. I haven't been a bitch at all, if you ask me. hehe Last time I was filled with rage! This time, eh, not so much.... I should O somewhere around next weekend. Here goes nothing....

I've been thinking about what I want to do after this cycle. I know at my initial visit with this doc he said I'd do 2 clomid cycles, if that doesn't work do 2 cycles with the clomid, monitored and with a trigger shot. That's considered a timed intercourse cycle, right? If those 2 don't work, then IUI. But what is the difference stats-wise between a timed intercourse cycle and an IUI? If the IUI is a lot better, I'd rather just go for that. Does anyone have any information on the success rates?

Not too much going on this weekend. An excellent lunch at a Mexican restaurant with 2 friends tomorrow. Yum!!! I can't wait! The rest of the weekend is up in the air.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

My latest project

So what do I do when I'm not wallowing in self-pity around here? I've started loom knitting!!!! Its sooo fun. Almost addictive! I know how nerdy that sounds.... but look at this hat I made in 2-3 hours!!! Its adult-sized and yes its pink like cotton candy and FUZZY!!!!! It makes me squeal just to look at it! hehe

I'm trying to figure out a way to make a hat for the dogs. I made a dog sweater.... but finished it wrong and its not stretchy at all so I'll have to keep working on it. I'll post a pic when I get one right.

Its definitely a nice distraction.... :-)