Friday, July 29, 2011

The clouds have parted

I increased my zoloft to 100 mg about a week ago and I finally feel better! Yay for the breakthrough!! I just couldn't take staying negative and hopeless any longer!!! Here's to improved mental health!! :-) For anyone out there who hasn't struggled with depression or is opposed to antidepressants... here's how I describe it - When in the midst of depression its like a dark cloud is hanging over you and blocking all the sun. Once you start treatment or antidepressants, one day about a week or so later, you notice you feel better, like the clouds have parted and now hope or joy can come streaming in again. What a relief!!

Not too much going on. Hopefully I'll continue to ovulate early. I know when I tinker with my antidepressants, that affects my thyroid levels, so we'll see how this month goes.

I'm pretty sure after the last cycle the endo is back. Its not as bad as the first time I had my lap, but its definitely there. So I've been weighing the options of having my lap redone this year and I'll have about 5 months that I'll have 100% insurance coverage. Or wait until Feb when our insurance year starts over and have a whole year at 100%.

A couple of things to consider - 1) I'm pretty sure that part of my IUIs will be paid for once I'm on 100%. My ins covers anything diagnostic, so the monitoring will be paid for and i'll just have to come out of pocket for the IUI - about $350. So, potentially, I could afford more chances at IUIs, if they're partially paid for. ... I don't think I'll need meds since I'm ovulating in a timely manner now. 2) How much will waiting 6 months impact my fertility? I'm turning 36 in Sept. And I already feel like every month my chances decline a little more.... What to do, what to do....

I guess that's the gist of it. If I put it off until Feb, I will definitely be going to the doc to get stronger pain meds. No way I could have went to work if my cycle had started on a weekday instead of a weekend. I seriously couldn't leave the couch it was so awful.

I know its un-ladylike, but I have to admit I snore. Terribly!!!!!! All my life I've been told by docs my tonsils/adenoids are HUGE. I'm driving my hubby crazy with the snoring waking him up all night, every night. I'm starting to wonder if getting them removed would stop the snoring, and then we both would sleep better.... I'm still in the preliminary stages of research. The research is pretty mixed on whether the surgery is effective to stop snoring....

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Just as I thought

Well AF arrived yesterday. And it was brutal this month. I had horrible cramps to the point I was nauseous. I took 800 mg ibuprofen a couple of times and they barely helped. Guess its time to go back to the doc for something stronger. I know I'm going to have to have another lap, but my deductible is high so its going to be awhile before I'll have the money together to take care of it. So until then, painkillers it is. This endo is fun stuff, right? Boo!!!!

On a good note I think I'm having a decent luteal phase these last 2 months. I'm pretty sure its the thyroid meds that are doing it. Hopefully, that'll give us a chance one of these months.

That's all I've got for now. Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend out there!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Back in the saddle again

I'm back from vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. Let me tell you it was wonderful!!!! The temp never got over 70! Considering its 100+ every day where I am now, I thought it was wonderful, even when it drizzled a couple of days. We did some cool things like visit Mt St Helens. We shopped and ate out at some great restaurants. It was soooo hard to drag myself back in to work after a week of luxury!

My dad and I had some good talks. I'm thankful he is who he is. Some days it got to be a little emotionally heavy, but still, its better than any relationship I will ever be able to have with my mother.

Baby AJ spent his first week in the hospital. :-( He was on IV's and feeding tubes. But he's out now. He's still not gaining enough weight so they're probably going to have to go back to feeding tubes. Poor thing.... What a way to start out...

AF should arrive this weekend. No real hope for this cycle. We only managed to do the deed once during the fertile time... So, whatever.... *shrugs*

Twice this week I've had stupid dreams about being pg. One I actually dreamed I made it far enough to give birth. I rarely have pg dreams in the first place, but I don't think I've EVER made it to giving birth when I do. So they're pretty much freaking me out... Here I am trying to be more zen about TTC... and maybe even try to move on, and now I have to have these stupid dreams??? Maybe its my subconcious trying to work things out for me.

So before I left hubby and I were having a good lunch and I brought up the A-word... and without crying!!!! It was a miracle!!! Usually I'm a mess if I have to talk about giving up TTC. But I told hubby when I get back, I think I want to look into adoption and he said "ok"..... I realize we didn't get into the nitty-gritty details, but in the past if I've brought it up, he's immediately rejected even talking about the idea. So at least its out there. I don't know if logistically it will be an option for us as far as costs and the hoops we'll have to jump through. I really have no idea even what the first step would be.... have no idea where to find the info... I guess that will be my next research project.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No more negativity

Now that my vacation is only a few hours away, I'm really excited!!! Maybe all I needed to get out of the funk was some rest and relaxation! I'll post if I can figure out how to do it from my phone... sometimes I'm technologically challenged. hehe

Hope everyone out there has a great rest of the week!

The rest of the story

The baby arrived at around 5:00 yesterday. And guess what?? He has a bilateral cleft lip and cleft pallette. I'm so pissed at that lying skank. She said she had a 3d ultrasound and he had no cleft. Because of that, the hospital she had him at wasn't equipped to attend to him. Didn't have the special bottles, etc. So the poor baby had to be rushed by ambulance to a special pedriatic hospital where he can be cared for.

Why would she lie about that???? All I know is that if you really have a 3d ultrasound, you can tell whether or not there's a cleft, and go to the hospital that's most prepared. Either a) she had a regular u/s and lied, OR b) had a 3d u/s, knew there was a cleft and lied about it. I just don't get it. And she said the doc that did the u/s told her to go to a specialist to double check. She adamantly refused to go, no matter how many people tried to convince her. I don't know what the hell she's thinking. Apparently her mom and sister were bawling at the hospital because they were upset about it. This is the problem. We've had enough clefts in our family to know its not the end of the world, you just have to adapt to the baby and the special equipment. But that little idiot didn't prepare anyone.

Also, this idiot is on Medicare which makes me question the quality of medical care that the baby will be receiving. I wish she had private insurance so you can make sure the baby sees the best surgeons. I'm sure the medical care will be adequate, just wish it could be better than that.

So in the end, she's recovering in one hospital and her baby is somewhere else entirely. She really makes me sick! Ugh!!! Too much drama for one day!!!!

Anyhoo, I leave to visit my dad in Washington state this afternoon. Yay!!!! I get a break from the 100+ temps we have here. The high is 70-75 up there!!!!! I won't get back until next Wed. Guess I can finish dealing with this drama then. Or never. Everyone's in good hands now and I plan on enjoying my vacay!!!!!

If I hear anything else about the baby's condition, I'll post an update.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

White Trash Update

So far they've started inducing her today. When the doc broke her water, the fluid was green which means the baby has already had a bowel movement in utero. The doctor is none too pleased about that. I did some research and guess what the cause is - SMOKING! That dumb b*tch smoked her entire pregnancy, which means the baby has been deprived of oxygen, which puts the baby in distress which causes the bowel movement.

The baby may have to be put in NICU, receive oxygen and/or antibiotics. It could develop into pneumonia. It could be fatal. It could lead to an emergency c-section. It all depends on how long ago the baby had the BM and if its aspirated it into his lungs.

And all because she's such a selfish person she couldn't bother with prenatal care or to stop smoking. I'm pretty pissed right now. Thank God I'm not going to the hosp tonight. I would tell my bro point blank that this is HER FAULT. I told my mother that, but how much do you want to bet she'll play it off like it could happen to anyone. Grrr!!!!!

Anyways, I'll let everyone know when the baby gets here safe and sound... hopefully.....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sorry I've been out of sorts lately

I haven't posted for awhile... I just don't know what to say anymore. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll feel more optimistic down the road. AF came and went. The pain wasn't unbearable for the first time in a few months.

I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.

I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????

He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?

I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....

On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.

P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....

P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!