Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Going on hiatus

I've said it before and I'll say it again I love my in-laws! This last weekend was really hectic, I had a baby shower to go to and my nephew's 1st birthday to go to. Yes, I went to a baby shower. Back when I started getting caught up in all this IF, I swore there's only 2 or 3 baby showers I will ever go to. It was for one of my BFFs and I'm so excited she's finally getting her miracle and there's no way I would have missed it. Was I a little sad when I looked around the room and realized I'm the only person there without kids? Yes. Fortunately I found some inner strength and made it through without incident.

Then it was off to the bday party. I've already said before that for some reason my nephew is more of a marker of my IF journey than anyone else. Maybe its because my SIL got pg on accident after I had already been trying for a year, even had a lap surgery, and still no BFPs. He was the first of the rash of pgs that would become my personal hell! HAHA Anyhoo, the party was nice, I genuinely love that little baby and even tho it was a little painful, I made it through. Maybe I'm finally getting past some of the pain of IF.

But after the party I had a real heart-to-heart with my MIL and SIL. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that's very rare. I don't open up very often. My SIL acknowledged that she knew it was a hard day for me and thanked me for being there and asked how I was doing. Wow! Its such a blessing to have someone GET me and what I'm going through, even tho she's never gone through it.

Anyways, I finally told them what all was going on with my mother and that side of the family. Maybe it sounds stupid, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, the number 1 rule is to keep the family secrets. I keep most of what goes on with my family hidden, cause I worry what if I ever have kids, and my family is around my in-laws, I don't want my in-laws going in with a bad opinion. If that makes sense. However, seeing as how I don't know if I'll ever have kids, I just put it all out there. Their acceptance and love and support was overwhelming. They told me I shouldn't force myself to go over there at the holidays out of some ridiculous feeling of guilt or duty.... And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let myself out of holidays with them and not feel guilty.

Looking back at all the get-togethers we've had and my mom has done or said something shitty... like having a drunk pregnant woman at Thanksgiving or telling me about the abortion that White Trash had or Plain Jane was thinking of having or telling me she's going to start drinking again.... Its like she's doing it on purpose to hurt me. And I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to berate myself about it anymore. It is what it is. I shouldn't have to force myself to be a part of it. I should get to enjoy the holidays too. So this year's holiday is going to be momentous for me. I might have been raised to always be "the perfect child" but I don't have to stay a slave to that role for one more minute!!!!!

Guess that's all for now. Sorry there's not much going on the TTC front. There's just really nothing to report. I feel bad that this blog has become nothing but angry ramblings about my dysfunctional family. I know that's not what you all signed up to read.

So I'm thinking I need to make some changes.

I'm thinking of starting law school next fall. I know, where did that come from???? I cannot spend 100% of my focus on getting pg or not getting pg. I cannot waste anymore of my life on something I can't control. Right now, finances are such that I can't pursue treatments really. So whatever happens, happens. But I can control my career and putting my God-given talents to use. And that's what I'm focusing on here on out. I'll take the LSAT in December. I have to have everything turned in by Feb for admittance next fall. It feels good to take the focus off of how my body is failing me. After almost 3 years of focusing on nothing but CM and cervical position and O pains and 2wws, I'm just tired. I have to have something else to concentrate on. I'm still following everyone's stories and am happy for all of you who have gotten your BFPs recently but I think I'm going on hiatus for awhile. Not sure if I'll still post here or start a new blog about going to law school when you're 36 and whatever other adventures I come across.... but I'll still be around.

Good luck to everyone!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Feeling lost

The truth is I've been in a weird funk recently.... I'm tired of spending all my time worrying about TTC. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. Maybe I've lost hope... I just am starting to feel like its time to move on... I'm so tired of spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.... I'm tired of having to be jealous or bitter because everyone around me is blessed with the one thing I want.... I just feel done.

One thing that prompted this attitude change is what else but my frustrating mother. I ended up not going on the out-of-town trip with her. That was supposed to be this week. Work is crazy right now and I can't really take off 3 days in a row right now. But also because I have no doubt she would upset me. I was talking to her the other day about my brother who lost his home in the fire and she starts bringing up the Outlaw and White Trash.

Apparently they're both back on drugs. He's on speed and "dope", whatever that is. She's on meth and pain pills... He has a pending court case still that he goes back to court in October. If he's caught using, I'm sure his sentence will be much harsher. Of course his PO isn't drug testing him... Don't know why he's getting away with it AGAIN... So the other day, they were both coming down, she was holding the 6 week old baby and they got into a fist fight... Really??? And now the 2 drug addicts are going to be alone with that infant for the next 3-4 days on their own. Will they feed and change him? Who knows... Its really a terrible situation. And so sad that you can't trust grownups with their own child....

I told my mother I don't want to her about them anymore because its very frustrating to me. She's totally insensitive and doesn't understand of course, but I really do not want to hear anymore about this situation that they have totally caused for themselves... Why couldn't they give this baby up for adoption.... Sigh...

It just breaks my heart that these 2 idiots can have a child and not even try to do anything right and I'm stuck here in limbo... I told my mom CPS should take the baby just to be mean... and her response is "it would kill the baby"... not that it would kill either of the parents, cause let's face it, they don't give a fuck... I swear, whoever is in control of the universe has an awful sense of humor....

So for my own sanity, I have got to find something else to focus my life on... I just don't think I can keep doing this. I cannot stay in this constant fragile mental state I am in. I think I might have found something that would take the focus off of myself and my fertility problems. It would be huge and take a lot of work to get to, so I won't go into too many details right now... I'll let everyone know if it comes closer to fruition.

Hope you're all doing well out there.

Monday, September 19, 2011

No. 36 came and went...

Saturday was my 36th bday. It came and went without too much fanfare or heartache. The weekend was absolutely crazy. We had a wedding to go to Sat night. So I took Friday off to get my nails done and so the hubby could get some new tires on my car and an oil change and all that not-fun stuff I never want to do. Saturday as we're leaving the neighborhood to get haircuts and outfits for the wedding and we get rear-ended!!!! It was minor but any car accident shakes me up for a bit. Then Sunday I go to buy some new work pants and tell hubby I'll be home in an hour and when I go to leave the store the damn car battery is dead!!! Seriously!!!! My car had a better bday than I did. Hmph! Sooooo aggravating!!!!!!

Anywho, Fri night I did shed a few tears... My usual IF bday drama... Here I am turning 36 and no closer to even getting a BFP then I was when we started trying over 2 years ago when I was only 33. In just 1 month, my nephew turns 1 year old - this is the one that my SIL got pg with after we'd already been trying for 1 year with no results. So to me, I equate that nephew, more so than the others, with how long its been since we started trying.

So far CoachGirl's pg is going smoothly. I'm very happy for her, they've been trying about as long as we have.... but it completes the circle. EVERY female friend or relative I have has been able to get pg since we've started trying.... And what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing....

2 weekends ago I spend the day with my mom and it turns out the situation with White Trash ended up every bit as messed up as we thought it would. She watches baby AJ during the day while my mom's at work. But as soon as my mom comes home she hands the baby to her and asks if my mom will watch the baby while she goes outside to smoke. They never come back for the baby. They disappear all night without telling my mom where they're going.... I'm sure its drug-related... And the baby sleeps with my mom every night. My mom seems exhausted, more than usual. When we had my nephew's bday party at the bowling alley 2 weeks ago, my mom brought baby AJ with her. Neither one of his parents even came to the party!!!! Its just all on my mom.... And he's such a good little baby. Oddly tho, he's VERY alert for a 6 week old baby. His eyes were open the whole time! I've never seen a baby that age that awake. Don't know if that's residual from the mother's drug use or what... Of course, he has some health issues with the cleft lip/pallett and is already looking at surgery at the end of the month. But all I could think about was how much I wished they would have let me adopt him. I would have provided him with love and a good home... but I guess its just not meant to be....

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


My brother and his family are hanging in there. Donations have been pouring in from coworkers and friends, which means the world to me. My firm raised a nice chunk of change which I was so excited to give my brother at my nephew's bday party this last weekend. I know every little bit will help. We're still working on getting them into a furnished apt. Hopefully by the end of the week. And my bro is also going to go to my doc this week to get something for anxiety/depression. I asked him how he was doing emotionally and he said awful. Every night he wakes up with nightmares about fires. I feel so terrible for him. We're all doing what we can to pitch in tho.

Also, they found their dogs ALIVE!!!! They made it out of the fire!!!!!!! Of course now they have to figure out what to do while they're in the apt. Those dogs are way too big for apt living... But I'm going to try to talk them into letting the dogs stay with relatives. I know how hard that is. I had to scatter my dogs with all my relatives when I was relocated after Hurrican Ike, and it was sooo hard, but in the end we all came back together and I'm grateful I was able to feel like I was having a normal, stable life while everything was being rebuilt.

Its funny.... Focusing on his disaster has totally lifted me out of my pit of despair. I guess seeing a tragedy like this up close will do that to you. My bday is Sat and for the last few months I've been dreading it.... turning 36 without even a BFP under my belt... Plus last 2 weeks ago Coach Girl texted me that she's finally pg too!!!!! Believe me, I was bitter party of 1 all day.... I mean, seriously, every single female relative or BFF I have has gotten pg in the time we've been trying... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I wonder what God is trying to tell me...

But now, I find myself barely able to get worked up about my usual IF drama....To sit in your house and look around the room and think - if the fire dept showed up and said I had 10 minutes to get out, what would I grab.... what would I not be able to grab... Well, that really puts things in perspective. I've been so focused on trying to get help to my brother and that makes me feel good about myself. I really should have gone into some sort of helping field. Maybe it would help keep the pit of despair at bay...

AF should rear her ugly head today.... But, whatever....

I finally got a smart phone and OMG!!!!!! I can't even believe what this phone can do. Its soooo amazing!!!!!!! Maybe now I'll be able to figure out how to post more pics on here..... Its addictive, that's for sure!!

Anywho, I guess that's what's been taking up all my time and energy lately...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The irony of it....

My coworkers have been so wonderful in response to the news of my brother's house!!!!! Many people have already brought clothes, diapers, bottles to me which I'm taking to him tonight. I've even had someone donate a swing!!! It brings tears to my eyes.

The bitch of it is, everyone that stops by that doesn't know why I have baby stuff in my office says excitedly "Are you having a baby?!?!?" Grrrr!!!!! If you only knew, people, if you only knew.....

I'm not complaining tho. I'm so happy to be able to help them right now. There are pics of their neighborhood on the local news websites. Unfortunately, they lived in a mobile home so when I say it burned to the ground, I mean to the ground. There's not a single possession left. Its so sad. Many people were displaced by the fire so I pray they all find shelter and help to get back on their feet.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Heavy heart

Its with a heavy heart that I write this post. This last weekend was rough emotionally. I had planned a post in my head about my little pity party I'm having when I got worse news first thing this morning. My brother and Plain Jane's house burned down last night. :-( I'm soooooo sick about it. They live in Montgomery, Texas where the wildfires were burning yesterday. I talked to PJ this morning. Basically the police showed up with bullhorns and everyone had 15 mins to evacuate!!!! I mean, can you even imagine??? No time to grab family heirlooms and everything you would want to preserve. So they loaded the 5 year old, 2 month old and family cat in her car. She drives a small Saturn. My bro drives a motorcycle. They could not even load up their dogs!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach to even type this but they had to open the gate and let them go and pray they make it safely. I can't even imagine anything as horrible as that. They went to her mom's with nothing but the clothes on their backs and 1 change of clothes each. Everything is gone......

I know they have insurance but I also know what a lengthy process that is after what I went through with the hurricane. They don't have much money especially since they have med bills this year from my bro being in the hospital then her being in the hospital having the baby.

I'm devastated for them. I'm so sick right now I can't even think about anything else.

Anyways, if you would all be so kind to send out extra prayers or vibes or whatever it is that you believe in, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This pharmacy is killing me!!!

Turns out that Pon.stel made a HUGE difference!!!!! Friday was the worst day of the cycle, I had some cramping but that was the heaviest day so that's to be expected. The cramps were just a fraction of what they were last month. But after that one day, there were no cramps and the cycle was practically over by Sun!!! Woohoo!!!!!

Needless to say I was very excited to pick up my prescription yesterday. Its a sad day when having a "normal" cycle gets a person this excited. Anyways I get to the pharmacy and they tell me its going to be $400!!!! For 30 pills!!! Yes, 4-0-0!!! I basically told the pharmacist they're crazy and I'm NOT GOING TO PAY $400 FOR 30 PILLS!!!!! I should have known this was too good to be true..... Now what??? Back to the drawing board I guess. I'll call the doc's office and tell the nurse and see if they'll either send me more samples or call out 500mg naproxen...

I'm still fuming about it!!!!

Oh and one other thing - I went to one of those jewelry parties people have at their houses on Friday night with one of my BFFs who is 6 mos pregnant. First of all the jewelry was WAY WAY overpriced. I felt bad about it but I didn't buy anything. Fortunately we didn't have to stay long. So as we're leaving all the smokers who are sitting outside stop and start the "when I was pregnant" gab. Mind you, these women are all upper-class, professional women wearing designer clothes and shoes. Frankly, they were a little snobbish. And 1 of them had the nerve to say when her daughter was a baby, she hated the baby phase. Yes, that's right. She said out loud how she hated the baby phase, hated everything about it, how horrible it was. Now that her daughter is 3, she likes it a lot better. Gee, I'm glad you finally like your kid, Lady! Then a 2nd one chimes in about how horrible the baby phase was to her too - the crying, the colic, the demanding infant... Why would they tell all this terrible stuff to someone that is pregnant?? These are seemingly educated women that are married and got pregnant on purpose. Did they not know going in that babies cry?? So effing irritating!!!!!

Normally I don't wish IF on anyone, but I really wish they had some notion of the struggle some women have to go through to get what they completely take for granted. I know being a parent is hard. Probably the hardest thing you can do. And I know there are nights moms cry themselves to sleep because they think they did the wrong thing with their child, or had a hard day or whatever. But I'm sure if you asked any mother if she would rather go to sleep crying because she had a hard day as a parent, or if she'd rather go to sleep crying because she CAN'T have kids, I'm prettty sure I know which choice they would make.

At least the night ended on a good note. We went to another friend's house and split a bottle of wine (not the pregnant friend of course) and ended up having a great time. Turns out the after party was waayyyyyy better than the actual party!! :-)