Finally some good news

Good news about White Trash's situation finally.... She FINALLY had a doc appt today.... They did a 4d ultrasound and the baby is fine!!!! Not even a cleft lip!! I can't believe it!!!! Its a boy and now she's due July 20 instead of June 25... I guess they miscalculated on her other u/s?

Of course the baby not having a cleft makes the family want my brother to get a DNA test just to be sure... I know it sounds mean... but he caught her writing "love" letters to a couple of other guys since they've been together. Allegedly, they were in jail at the time but she's just such a skank that nobody would put it past her. I guess I shouldn't speak so harshly, she just pisses me off for being so damn ungrateful to have this chance that the rest of us would give anything for!

There's been tons of drama this week with the whole situation. One day supposedly my brother thinks she's been freaking smoking meth while pregnant, the next day "just" popping pills. (As if that's ok.) Him leaving a gun in my mom's car.... I'm sure it was loaded, why else would you drive around with a handgun? I don't know what the hell is going on over there in Crazy Town, but I feel even more detached than ever from my biological family. Its no wonder I don't spend time with them. I don't live in the gun-slinging Wild West like they do.... The worst thing I do thats illegal is speed... I don't even know how I came out of that family most of the time... I like to say I must have been switched at birth. Anyways, its fine, I'm not letting myself get dragged into their drama anymore and get all worked up. I just let my crazy mother tell me what's going on, shake my head and move on. Wow, I almost sound like a grown up, don't I? :-)

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. But we didn't BD last night. Now I feel guilty about it. We did it the 3 nights before. I just dreaded the pain and couldn't bring myself to do the deed. Now I'm kicking myself. What if that ruins my chances this month????? Grrrr!!!! Its so frustrating... some people can get knocked up by doing the deed a single time or while on bcp... We've all heard those crazy stories... Then I torture myself day and night for missing one time.... Well, what's done is done and I just have to wait and see if anything comes of it.

I never did get a positive on the CBEFM. Not sure what would cause that. Stupid technology!! I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier, not confuse us more!!!

On to the 2ww and the imaginary pg symptoms...

CD 13

Its CD 13 and I've definitely had ovulation pains for the last couple of days along with EWCM so I know the big O is right around the corner... Just to make sure I catch my surge, I've been testing in the evening with the smiley face O predictor sticks and in the morning with CBEFM... Last night I got my smiley face which should mean my LH surge was predicted, but this morning the CBEFM was still on medium fertility... Not sure what that means..... We've been BDing daily just in case... ;-)

But honestly as painful as its been this week, I'm not sure how many more days of BDing I have in me. My poor hubby... Right after my lap all my pain was gone and I could BD all I wanted and I was so excited and told him "I'm like a real girl again!!" hehe There's something definitely going on in there.... Anyone else wish they had a window into their plumbing so you could just take a look any time you wanted? That would be nice at times like these.....

So, come on big O!!!! Lets get this 2ww started...

CD11

Thanks for the outpouring of sympathy!! You guys are truly the best!!! The house is so much quieter without Ladybug. You'd think there would still be chaos with the little chihuahuas, but the house is eerily quiet now. I'm not sure if they know she's gone and everyone is subdued... or if most of the chaos from before just came from Bug having to go outside so frequently. Either way, we miss her terribly, but are doing better.

Today is CD11. I started getting stretchy CM on Sat and Sun was the 1st day of medium fertility on the CBEFM which means I had my estrogen surge. I started getting gobs and gobs of egg white CM yesterday, so hopefully the big O is right around the corner...

This might be TMI in other circles, but here among us blog buddies nothing is, so here goes... Does anybody else find BDing around ovulation time painful? Pain during BDing was one of the first signs I had that I had endo.... So I was just wondering if other people have pain when its close to O'ing... I'm thinking maybe I have a cyst or the endo is coming back... That's always going to be in the back of my mind, every time I have a weird cramp or symptom.... So I'm trying to figure out what's normal here... As if there are any "normal" cycles in the land of IF... :-)

Be forewarned - this is a sad post....

Thanks for all the well wishes!!! You don't know how much they meant to me!!!! I'm not going to lie.... having to put poor Bug down was definitely one of the hardest things I ever had to do... This is going to be sad so I'll understand if you want to skip this one....

I took her up there with the intention of just dropping her off... I know that's a cowardly thing to do, but I have been dreading this day for YEARS.... So I walk in and start crying right away... I can't even tell them what I'm there for. I had made the appt already so the receptionist asks "Ladybug?"... I nodded... I had to wait until the room was prepared... I managed to choke out to the receptionist that I did not want to watch this!!!! She said I didn't have to. But I did have to go back to the room and sign some forms.

We got to the room and the tech comes in... We go over the options, I make my choice and tell him I do not want to see this... but he asks if I can stay while they put the IV in... so she doesn't panic... That broke my heart. I knew then that I'd have to stay for the whole thing.... Its the least she deserves from my after being so faithful and loving to me for all these years. So I helped hold her down while they started the IV, crying the whole time... When she cried out from starting the IV I really bawled. Finally they put the 1st shot in and within 30 seconds she was snoring. At that moment I could tell she was at peace, and not laboring to breathe, I knew I had done the right thing, that it was her time to go. She shouldn't have had to suffer anymore because I'm too chicken to go through with this. So finally she was gone and they left me alone with her for me to say my goodbyes.



I'm sorry if that was too graphic for all you with furbabies... I know that even before this I could never read a story about a dog being put down... But I had to get it out for my peace of mind.

Let me tell you I was a mess the rest of the day. I kept breaking down even tho I know it was the right thing to do. I was so drained by that night, I had 2 glasses of wine and passed out for 12 hours. When I woke up Sunday, I felt a little better, and at peace knowing she's not suffering anymore. So each day is getting a little better. Its just kinda surreal... after having her in my life every day for all those years... and now she's gone... I'll always be thankful for having Bug in my life and for being able to have her for so long. And I guess that's the best note I can end this post on....

Thanks again for all your sympathy!!

Its going to be a hard day around here

Today, in about 1 hour in fact, we're having our 16 year old cocker spaniel put down. I'm so sad right now. We've had her since she was 5 weeks old. She was the first dog I ever had as an adult, that was mine. She's always been a great dog. But at this age, so many health problems pop up. Maybe I should have even done it a few months ago, but I've been dreading it so much I chickened out. I know what I have to do, I just pray God gives me the strength to get through it...

Goodbye, Ladybug, I'll always love you.

White Trash update

Today is CD 6... Not too much going on... Just waiting to get the word from the monitor that its go time... Without clomid this cycle tho, it might be a long wait....

I talked to Coach Girl last night. Apparently there are plenty of updates on White Trash, tho none of them are good... She wasn't at the Mother's Day dinner at my mom's because she's in freaking jail!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, she got sentenced to 60 days in jail and she's 6 weeks away from her due date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so upset I could puke! Fortunately I think the county she's in you get 3 days credit for every 1 day served.... So likely she'll be out by the time the baby comes. At least I'm praying for it....

She still hasn't gone to the doctor once!!!!!! And she hasn't bought one single thing for the baby.... And my brother found out she's still trying to get pills... So he went around and told all the drug dealers that if he finds out they sold her anything he'll kill them..... This is so white trash its not even funny anymore.....

Looks like this situation is turning out worst-case scenario unfortunately for the baby, the only innocent one here... So we still don't know if the baby is going to be born with a cleft... and it may be born addicted to drugs and will definitely be born addicted to nicotine. Its breaking my heart..... I'm totally numb right now I'm so frustrated....

I just don't understand why God has chosen to give this effing drug-addled loser a baby.... And not one for me... I know I'm not the only one struggling with the unfairness and I guess I'll never have an answer.... But it still sucks all the same. I just find myself losing hope.... Like if I was meant to have a child, surely I would have had one by now.... So maybe that's my answer no matter how much I don't like it....

I know you all understand out there so thanks for listening!

Thank God for my In-Laws

So I survived Mother's Day as I suspect the rest of you did too. It actually turned into a much nicer day than I had expected. We floated around in the pool for a few hours and I got a little color. As I floated around, I could feel all the tension just melt right out of me. When I got out of the water I felt like a new person. :-)

Then I went to a ballet performance with my niece, MIL and SIL. My niece goes to a Christian ballet school that feeds into a professional ballet troupe that performs all over the world as their mission work. The students have a performance every summer. But last night was the production put on by the teachers and professionals that actually perform in other countries. And I cannot say enough about how beautiful and elegant it was!!!!! In just a few weeks they'll be performing that ballet in Hungary. What an exciting life!!!

My MIL has always bought me a little something on Mother's Day..... when she first started I would protest and back then I didn't know if I was going to have kids.... But she'd say I'll be a mother someday and still give me a gift. Honestly, I've been dreading that this year... the thought of receiving a gift when I don't know if I'll ever get to be a mother and how that would make me feel. But I actually felt very moved and tears may have been shed. It felt good that someone still thinks there's a possibility that I'll have a child when some days I don't even feel that optimistic. All I know is I am so fortunate to have in-laws like I do. People that love me and are kind and generous to me.... More so than the family I was actually born into.

Now for the negative part of the day.... I thought about just texting my mom Happy Mothers Day... but then I decided to call her. We have talked in 2 weeks.... It was a very hollow conversation. We don't have the type of relationship where we can actually talk through our problems... so it was pretty strained. I asked what she's been up to... She talked for a few.... Then we're quiet for a few. Does she ask how I've been or what I've been doing? No.... Still crickets.... Then she asks what we're doing for Mothers Day. I tell her I'm staying in. My cramps were bad and so I didn't want to do anything. Then she goes back to talking about her medicines.... That's it... No I'm sorry this cycle didn't work... No I'm sorry you're going through this... No how are you holding up.... nothing... So she was cooking dinner for all my bros. She didn't invite me and I'm glad she didn't because I just would have had to say no. The last thing I'm going to do is spend the day with White Trash (who lives there so would definitely be there). She said her grease was starting to burn... I said I'll let you go then... She said she'd call me back... and that was it. She didn't call me back. So I'm not calling her again. For anything. I can be just as petty and immature as she can. Honestly, my life is happier when I don't talk to her.

And even after that dismal conversation, I was able to have a good day.... and feel loved at least by my in-laws... So that's all that matters.

Oh yes, I almost forgot my cycle update. AF showed up Sat night.... I didn't have a total meltdown. I cried a little Sunday... but either the zoloft is at the right level or I'm doing better... Its probably the zoloft... :-) Unfortunately cramps have been horrendous. This morning I was sitting at my desk and I had a wave of cramps roll through me that literally had me doubled over and I couldn't breathe until they subsided. I don't know WTF that is.... Of course I'm going to assume its the endo coming back. The only time I've ever had cramps in the abdomen or uterus is when I had the endo. I'm usually a back pain kind of girl.... I popped an 800 mg ibuprofen and hopefully that'll keep them away for the day....

On Wed I do my bloodwork for Dr. Z for next Tuesday's appt. All I know is she has got to fix my thyroid!!! I'm going to beg, plead, cry, whatever it takes.... I feel like getting my TSH back below 1.0 would cause my to ovulate early like in January. Then I wouldn't need clomid and I would lfeel like there is hope. If that doesn't happen, I don't know what I'm going to do!!!!!! So my fingers are crossed....

Today is brought to you by the letters B, F & N

So I tested at 10 dpo and it was a BFN as usual. :-( I cried a few times today but I'm doing ok now. I wanted to get it out of the way. I didn't think I could handle AF surprising me this weekend with it being Mother's Day. With my luck stupid AF would be late for once in my life and get me all excited. Anyhoo I definitely considered boycotting this weekend, but I'm working on getting myself back together. I can make it through one dinner with my MIL. Its to celebrate her, not me... I just have to remember that. And we're going out to eat on Sat instead of Sun. But I've already given the hubby fair warning that I'll likely be a mess on Sun, so don't plan on leaving the house. Hmph. I just don't think I can face walking into a restaurant or store or whatever and hear Happy MD... It makes me want to shout "I'm not, I'm infertile but thanks for reminding me!!!!!" I know, I know, Bitter Party of One here....

Still no word from my mom... Guess she doesn't plan on talking to me anymore than I plan on talking to her. Whatever.... At least I don't have to worry about working her in this weekend. I'm not up to celebrating with that side of the family... White Trash and Plain Jane will be there and no way I can be around that idiot right now. I would have just done something one-on-one with my mom. Oh well, maybe we'll catch up after Mother's Day.

I got nominated for 2 blogging awards last week!!!! Yay!!!! Sorry for being so late giving a shout-out but I promise I'll get it up tomorrow and pass them on. Thanks for all the support!!!! It really means the world to me!!!! :-)