Friday, June 24, 2011

I finally stood up to her

I realize there have been more blogs lately about the idiots that I'm related to than my IF issues even though the IF is the whole reason I started this blog. There just never seems to be anything new to report on the baby-making front. Today is CD 22. Too early for me to have symptoms of AF and I've never really gotten to experience symptoms of the other, so there's not a whole lot there. We'll know something in a week or so.

So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.

So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.

He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.

I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.

So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.

I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.

I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.

That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!

Monday, June 13, 2011

I think I've confused my monitor

I'm pretty sure I O'd on Sunday. Day 12 is crazy early for me!!!!!!! Maybe the thyroid thing I've been droning on and on about for months now really was the key!!!! Had all the telltale signs - EWCM and ovulation pains and now the EWCM is gone. However, my stupid CBEFM monitor only started showing medium fertility on Sunday. I think maybe because I'm O'in A LOT earlier than I used to, it put back my 1st day to test to day 8 instead of day 6. That worked fine when I O'd late... but now if I'm O'ing on day 12 maybe it didn't catch it? Who the hell knows... It's frustrating the hell out of me tho!!!!! And I didn't use the back-up sticks because I normally wait for the medium fertility sign to start using those. Ugh!!!!! I was totally caught off guard and we hadn't even done much BDing... Looking back, It looks like we had some action Wed, Thurs, and Sun. Hopefully that covers the bases. If not, I guess it will just be the same as all the other cycles. *shrugs*

I pulled up directions on how to do a manual reset on the monitor today and I'm going to do that and start over with the new cycle. Hopefully that will fix this little snafu we're having.

I skipped White Trash's shower yesterday. I felt pretty guilty about it.... But I'm in a good place right now and did not want to end up in the bad place again if I saw her smoking or popping pills.... Then this morning I talked to Coach Girl and I'm sooooo glad I didn't go!!!!! She appeared sober, so that's good news. Yes, she smoked tho. I knew that would upset me. And she acted like she didn't want to be there. She couldn't even get excited about the gifts. How can someone not be excited when getting cute baby stuff?!?!??!! It all makes me squeal and I'm not even pg yet. HMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so ungrateful it makes me sick!!!!!!! Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself she doesn't have anything to do with my situation and I have to keep plodding along on my own journey, for better or worse..... What else can I do?

We will all love that little baby when he gets here... Its just so sad that she doesn't even hide that she doesn't really want this baby. Whatever... I'm hoping she'll get excited or feel something maternal when he gets here. For the baby's sake.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Quick update

Plain Jane is doing much better now! They're doing another EKG this morning and if all is ok, they're going to move her down to the Labor & Delivery floor. And she got to see the baby last night for a bit. I'm glad she's doing better. Once she gets in her regular room, the baby can stay with her and her older son will be able to visit. I know that'll be a huge relief for her!!!! Not sure when she's getting out yet. Usually after a c-section you stay in the hospital 4 or so days.... I'm sure sometime this weekend she'll get released.

Today is CD8. Already I have stretchy CM. That usually comes the day before I get the medium fertility sign on the CBEFM. We'll see.... Come on Big O!

This is going to be a really really stupid question.... I can't believe I'm even asking this.... But would BDing in the swimming pool be adverse to fertility? For some reason its the only time there's no pain. Still trying to figure out why that is... I have a feeling that's not ideal, so we'll just have to stick to doing the deed on land like the rest of the mammals. hehe

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Nephew #1 is here!

Plain Jane had her baby yesterday. I went up to the hospital after work to visit her and the baby. I'm so proud of me!!! Yes, I know, its not really all about me, but I really handled the visit better than I have in the past. I just kept telling myself, this has nothing to do with my IF. Whether or not they have children, it really has no bearing on whether or not I'll be able to. So I was able to actually enjoy the visit once I had removed myself from the equation. I held the baby - he's so perfect and tiny - and didn't even have to cry about it. He's really really cute. And seeing how sweet my brother is with him blows me away and really warmed my heart. He's such a good dad. :-) I was able to finally be in a place where I could be genuinely happy for someone else getting what I want so badly. And I think that was really positive. Hopefully, I can stay in this place.

Poor Plain Jane is in ICU because of her cardiac myeopathy (sp?). We went up to see her after the baby and the poor thing was such a mess. I actually cried a little when she started bawling because I could see she was in so much pain. She was having incredibly intense chest pains, to the point of not being able to breathe. Add to that the guilt of not being able to be with her brand new baby and her older son couldn't visit her either because he's younger than 10 years old and the poor thing was a wreck. She only has to be there for 24-48 hours, then she'll get to go back down to the labor & delivery floor for the rest of her stay. Since she had a c-section she'll be there at least until Fri.

Plain Jane can't breastfeed again and I know she was totally bummed about that. Its because of the cardiac medicine they have to put her on starting today. Plus the doc told her that she CAN'T have any more kids. They wanted 1 more. The selfish part of me says she should be happy she has 2 beautiful healthy kids, but then again, I totally get not being able to have a kid when you want one. So I do feel for her.

One thing that doesn't make any sense to me is - Her endo is back but they wouldn't go in and take care of it while they already had her open for the c-section. Doesn't that make sense to anyone else? That's what I would ask for. They also wouldn't go ahead and tie her tubes while they had her open. That's how they used to do it. I would think that would be better than going in again in 6 weeks just as the c-section is finished healing and reopening it. Especially since getting pg will put her life in danger, hello?????

I was a little teary on the ride home, but not like I was the last time I had to do a hospital visit. I just hope I get the chance to be there too one day.

Now that I'm feeling stronger and made it through this visit without any meltdowns, I'm reconsidering the shower on Sun. I feel guilty that I can't participate like I should be able to. Even tho I can't stand White Trash, I should be able to be there for my brother - this is his 1st kid after all.

Its CD7, no signs of fertility yet, but should be in about a week. I'm anxious to see if bringing down my thyroid levels will influence how early I ovulate like I suspect. We'll see....

Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone!!! I know my post the other day was pretty freaking depressing, I just had to get everything off my chest. But I'm feeling much better now.

P.S. Is Blogger pissing everyone else off too? I keep trying to publish this post and it keeps giving me errors. That on top of all the errors I get when I try to sign in. Ugh!!!! So frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Feeling discouraged

I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'm just feeling very discouraged right now. After this last cycle I am 100% positive that the endo is back. I'm having the same pains - pain during sex, pain during BM's - the only thing I'm missing is having my cramps start a week ahead of AF's arrival. I'm sure its just a matter of time before it gets to that point again tho.

I keep thinking maybe its just time to get off this IF merry-go-round and find something else to do with my life. I brought this up to DH over the weekend, and he says I'm just being a Negative Nelly and it will happen. I just don't believe that anymore. I can't tell if I'm feeling hopeless just because of PMS, or maybe my depression is getting worse or if I'm really done with all this.

I had money set aside to try an IUI but wouldn't you know it, the freaking A/C broke 2 weekends ago and the big tv this weekend!!! That's about $750 total, everything I had set aside. I was glad I had it tho. ITs already over 100 degrees where I live, so living without AC is not an option!!!!!!!! I'm just your average middle-class girl, living paycheck to paycheck. We get by just fine, I never have to go without, but everytime I get money for treatments, something else goes wrong and takes it away. Just makes me wonder.... Maybe fertitily treatments aren't in the cards... I think someone's trying to tell me, but I just don't want to listen.

I feel like there aren't a lot of people I can turn to IRL. Everyone I know has been able to get a BFP and have their happy ending, whether they were trying to or not. So its natural that they assume that it can happen for everyone. I don't believe that anymore. There's no guarantee, lets face it. And if history is any indication of how fertile I am, well it just doesn't look too good for me. I feel isolated and when I feel like this, I withdraw even more inside myself. I just don't know what to do now.

Yesterday in the mail I got an invite to White Trash's shower. I emailed my mom I"m not going, but I'll give her a gift to take with her. CoachGirl will probably go with my mom. She said she'd go so my mom won't have to be by herself and will have someone to talk to. She's nice like that. Me - not so much.... My mom and I seem to barely be speaking right now, so I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I know, I'm mean, I'm selfish, whatever. Its just where I'm at right now.

Plain Jane is in the hospital I just found out today. Her cardio myopethy is back. So they're doing the c-section tomorrow. So I guess I'll be going up to the hospital one night this week.

God give me the strength to get through this!!!!