Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Going on hiatus

I've said it before and I'll say it again I love my in-laws! This last weekend was really hectic, I had a baby shower to go to and my nephew's 1st birthday to go to. Yes, I went to a baby shower. Back when I started getting caught up in all this IF, I swore there's only 2 or 3 baby showers I will ever go to. It was for one of my BFFs and I'm so excited she's finally getting her miracle and there's no way I would have missed it. Was I a little sad when I looked around the room and realized I'm the only person there without kids? Yes. Fortunately I found some inner strength and made it through without incident.

Then it was off to the bday party. I've already said before that for some reason my nephew is more of a marker of my IF journey than anyone else. Maybe its because my SIL got pg on accident after I had already been trying for a year, even had a lap surgery, and still no BFPs. He was the first of the rash of pgs that would become my personal hell! HAHA Anyhoo, the party was nice, I genuinely love that little baby and even tho it was a little painful, I made it through. Maybe I'm finally getting past some of the pain of IF.

But after the party I had a real heart-to-heart with my MIL and SIL. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that's very rare. I don't open up very often. My SIL acknowledged that she knew it was a hard day for me and thanked me for being there and asked how I was doing. Wow! Its such a blessing to have someone GET me and what I'm going through, even tho she's never gone through it.

Anyways, I finally told them what all was going on with my mother and that side of the family. Maybe it sounds stupid, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, the number 1 rule is to keep the family secrets. I keep most of what goes on with my family hidden, cause I worry what if I ever have kids, and my family is around my in-laws, I don't want my in-laws going in with a bad opinion. If that makes sense. However, seeing as how I don't know if I'll ever have kids, I just put it all out there. Their acceptance and love and support was overwhelming. They told me I shouldn't force myself to go over there at the holidays out of some ridiculous feeling of guilt or duty.... And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let myself out of holidays with them and not feel guilty.

Looking back at all the get-togethers we've had and my mom has done or said something shitty... like having a drunk pregnant woman at Thanksgiving or telling me about the abortion that White Trash had or Plain Jane was thinking of having or telling me she's going to start drinking again.... Its like she's doing it on purpose to hurt me. And I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to berate myself about it anymore. It is what it is. I shouldn't have to force myself to be a part of it. I should get to enjoy the holidays too. So this year's holiday is going to be momentous for me. I might have been raised to always be "the perfect child" but I don't have to stay a slave to that role for one more minute!!!!!

Guess that's all for now. Sorry there's not much going on the TTC front. There's just really nothing to report. I feel bad that this blog has become nothing but angry ramblings about my dysfunctional family. I know that's not what you all signed up to read.

So I'm thinking I need to make some changes.

I'm thinking of starting law school next fall. I know, where did that come from???? I cannot spend 100% of my focus on getting pg or not getting pg. I cannot waste anymore of my life on something I can't control. Right now, finances are such that I can't pursue treatments really. So whatever happens, happens. But I can control my career and putting my God-given talents to use. And that's what I'm focusing on here on out. I'll take the LSAT in December. I have to have everything turned in by Feb for admittance next fall. It feels good to take the focus off of how my body is failing me. After almost 3 years of focusing on nothing but CM and cervical position and O pains and 2wws, I'm just tired. I have to have something else to concentrate on. I'm still following everyone's stories and am happy for all of you who have gotten your BFPs recently but I think I'm going on hiatus for awhile. Not sure if I'll still post here or start a new blog about going to law school when you're 36 and whatever other adventures I come across.... but I'll still be around.

Good luck to everyone!