Thursday, April 28, 2011

Why didn't I think of that????

So I mentioned last week that my thyroid seems to be throwing a fit and now my levels are back to where they were when I started... which means I feel sluggish and droopy. Of course the 1st thing I did was turn to Dr. Google to see what kinds of meds or foods would cancel out thyroid meds... I just couldn't believe a 1/2 blood pressure pill would cause that much chaos... And lo and behold I found plenty of sites that says that freaking zoloft cancels your thyroid meds!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy sh*tballs!!!!! It didn't even occur me to run it by Dr. Z!!!! Before when I was on antidepressants all she said was she didn't prescribe antidepressants so I'd have to continue getting them through my GP. So thats what I did. That has to be what made the difference. Nothing else was different. Either that or it was just a coincidental Hashi's flare up...

Now I have to wait until May 10 to have my blood drawn again. The following week I'll go back to Dr. Z and can have my meds upped if my levels are still high. Thank God!!!!!

Last night my hubby says he thinks I should stop taking the zoloft. I'm like "What?!?!?" He said because he can tell I act and feel run down. I told him he's crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not continue to cry for 10 days every time I get a stupid BFN!!!!! He'll just have to put up with me being sluggish for another few weeks. I'm really starting to feel better and more stable. No way am I giving them up yet.

I haven't talked to my mom in about a week and I feel guilty about it... but I honestly no longer enjoy conversations with her so I don't feel the need to call her. Isn't that awful???? The whole time we're on the phone she talks about herself... Usually repeating herself over and over.... And if I say anything about my life most of the time she honestly acts like she doesn't hear what I've said and she just keeps on talking in circles like I'm not even there. Its so frustating. Then when I called her for once looking for comfort when I got my last BFN, what does she did but totally minimize my feelings and tell me I can't keep getting upset. So I feel like I'm at an impasse with her.

My dad not only told me about the divorce this last weekend, but he also revealed that he's in recovery. I knew he had been going to a men's support group to deal with growing up with an alcoholic, abusive, sadistic father. But I wasn't aware of his own struggles with addictions. So he said he's been clean for 18 months which is great. And he said he's onto the step about making amends and told me if he did anything in my childhood that was hurtful he was sorry and he wants me to tell him about it. I was touched down to my core because I could tell he was so sincere and earnest and open. I told him I was touched and appreciated the gesture, but I'm fine. And just to show you how crazy I am, that made me mad at my mom because she's been in recovery for 4 years and I'm still waiting for her to take accountability for being an alcoholic parent. Hmph!!!! Guess its a good thing I wasn't holding my breath waiting for that apology! HAHA I really hope my dad is able to find peace with himself through the recovery process and comes out on the other side better off.

6 days dpo here.... Tick tock..... I just want to be able to POAS already!!!! Part of me is hopeful... part of me just wants to get it over with so I can move to the next cycle.

Monday, April 25, 2011

2WW again....

So here we are in the 2ww again... Please God let this be the one! I got positive opks on Thurs night and Friday morning. I think I might have O'd Friday. Friday night was back to negative and my EWCM dried up so I'm pretty sure. I know I'm very fortunate that clomid doesn't take away my EWCM. The temp thing doesn't usually work for me because of the thyroid problem I guess. My temps are usually all over the place. But we got in some timely BDing and I'll start taking the progesterone tonight and we'll see what happens in about 10 days, won't we?

Easter weekend was good. Got my highlights redone. Did a little shopping and A LOT of going out to eat with my Dad. Our visit was good but it turns out he's getting a divorce and a lot of issues came up. So there were a lot of tears and a lot of me keeping my poker face on... It was exhausting!!!! I'm so glad I'm on the zoloft. If this weekend would have happened a month ago when I was crying several times a day over nothing I wouldn't have made it through this weekend in one piece. I'm still processing everything, so I'll write more later when I figure out how I feel about everything.

Easter dinner was excellent and I got to hide the eggs for my niece and nephew. That's my favorite part!!!!! Well that and dyeing the eggs, but I didn't get a chance to do that this year since I was entertaining my Dad. We saw the Lincoln Lawyer. OMG is it good!!!!! Very suspenseful... and a little eye candy like McConnaughy (sp?) definitely doesn't hurt!!!

How many days till the next 3 day weekend??? Let the countdown begin! LOL

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Effing thyroid!!!!!!

So yesterday was a marathon of doc appts. I took the whole day off work and spent all day going from doctor to doctor. Oh well, me and hubby had a nice dinner at my favorite mexican place when I was done so at least it ended well!!

Well woman was fine. He did say I should take a cycle off since I've taken clomid 3 cycles in a row then we'll do a monitored cycle with a trigger shot or IUI. I guess that will be about June.

I guess that's something to look forward to....

I asked Brandy to increase my zoloft to 75 and she was fine with that. I do not want another 10 days of despair like my last cycle. Ugh!!!! I could hardly stand to be around myself. I definitely back to myself now thank God!!!!! She said if in a few weeks I feel like I need to go up one more level, just call her and she'll give me a new scrip. Thank God for Brandy!!!!!!! She doesn't make me feel like a loser for needing antidepressants like that other quack.... Whew!!!!!

Lastly unfortunately was the thyroid appt. I have been really tired lately and slipped back into taking naps when I get home from work and on the weekend. I knew something was wrong. Even Hubby noticed and asked if I was still on the thyroid meds.... Turns out for some reason my thyroid levels are totally jacked up again!!!! ARRGGHHH!!!! Its so frustrating!!!! My levels were 2.5 when I first started the meds.... then they went down to 1.0 then they were too low at 0.3. So at my last appt the doc told me to take 1/2 a pill twice a week to get me back to 1.0. My levels were 2.5 again on this last visit!!!! What the hell?!?!? Its like I never took any meds. I just don't get it.

The only thing I did different was started taking my new bp pill (1/2 only) in the morning. They say to take your thyroid meds alone because some meds can block some of the absorption... but I find it hard to believe that the 1/2 bp pill blocked the synthroid totally and completely!!!!! So don't know what's going on there... This month I'm going to take the bp pill an hour after the synthroid and see if that makes a difference.....

Its CD 14 and still no positive OPK. The CBEFM is showing medium fertility so it should be close. And yesterday was the 1st sign of stretchy CM. Hmmm.... If I get a positive tomorrow then I'll be ovulating on day 16-17 and that's while on clomid... That's no good!!!! That's the reason I'm taking the stupid clomid is to force ovulation earlier. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is due to my stupid effing thyroid... I looked back over my past charts and the month I ovulated earliest was the month my thyroid level was at 0.3.... When its in the 2.something range I ovulate really late....

This really sucks and its pissing me off!!!!! I know its not recommended to take take clomid more than 6 months and I've already used 3 and maybe because of my stupid thyroid those cycles have been wasted.... What do I do when my 6 months of clomid are done????? Maybe I just have to be done and move on.... I don't know what else to think.... From what I understand if I do a Timed Intercourse or IUI cycle, the trigger shot will tell me exactly when I'm ovulating, but it won't force me to ovulate earlier, right? I mean they have to wait for the follicle to get to a certain size so I don't think that will help.....

How's everybody's Easter shaping up? My dad will be in town from Washington so that will be nice to get to spend some time with him. I'm sure we'll go out to eat a few times... and watch the niece and nephew hunt for eggs and have a yummy Easter dinner.... Hopefully sleeping in late will be in my forecast too! :-)

Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Back from the Pit of Despair

So I took my last BFN really hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. I cried for like 10 days. Finally on Friday I was able to get through the day without crying. And I've been ok since. I feel like I'm being such a drama queen, complaining so much about a stupid BFN. Maybe it was the clomid too. I was feeling pretty hopeless the last month I took it. Stupid hormones!!!! And I'm sure this doesn't even compare to what so many of you have gone through with injectibles. I don't know how you do it.... While I was in my miserable funk, I made the mistake of calling my mother..... Yeah, won't do that ever again if I need to feel better. She says the usual "just be patient".... I tell her I've been patient for 2 years.... isn't that long enough? She says "you can't say its been a long time until its been 5 or 6 years...." What?!?!??!!?! Then I blew up and told it has been 5 years off and on.... I'm only counting 2 years because we've tried every cycle for these 2 years... before it was just off and on so I'm not even counting those years... But I feel like I've been stuck in this same point for YEARS and its definitely taking a toll on me. She says "You can't keep getting upset every time you get a cycle." .... That's my mother for you.... helpful as ever.... So this Tuesday the 19th I took the day off for my multitude of doc appts. I have my well-woman in the morning. I'm going to talk to the doc about what's the next step - IUIs... Then I see my GP. I'm going to ask her to increase my antidepressants. I can't take another week and a half like I just went through. ThenI have an appt with the thyroid doc. I'm sure my levels are fine now. I'm sure I'll have to do another u/s of my thyroid since lucky me had a new cyst pop on my last u/s. I knew they should have just taken that stupid thyroid out. Oh well, its nothing I can't handle. Looking at the calendar it looks like AF is due to start the day before Mothers Day. Are you freaking kidding me????? So I'll know the cycle is a failure and then have to go sit in a stupid restaurant with every pregnant woman. Ugh!!! I have been dreading Mother's Day for months. I get upset every time I think about it and now AF will more than likely be here that day. I'm going to be a wreck. I'm thinking I might have to boycott this year and barricade myself in the house for the day. Told you I've turned into a total drama queen.....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Big sigh...

I tested this morning and BFN as usual. I was upset and cried for a bit. Then I got dressed and came to work. What else can you do in this game? On the one hand I'm bitterly disappointed... this marks 2 years -2 fucking years!!!!!!! -of TTC. On the other hand, what did I expect? To magically get knocked up just because it had been 2 years? Should I have learned from the other 23 months that maybe its not in the cards, that its not going to be that easy? I had convinced myself there was hope... Had some imaginary symptoms - nausea, heartburn, fatigue, but I guess it was all in my head. I really really hate when I let my guard down and get my hopes up. Ugh!!!!!!! So just waiting for AF now. I had some cramps last night so I'm sure it will be tomorrow or Thurs. I'll do the clomid again. April 19 I go for my well-woman and while I'm at the doc's office I'll find out all the pricing info for the monitored cycle, either timed intercourse or IUI. Thanks for all the well wishes for my brother! He got out of the hospital yesterday. He's feeling a lot better. He goes back to work tomorrow. They said the medicine should continue working so he'll continue to improve at home. The doc said all the tests came back negative but he's sure it was Guillian Bairre and the treatments worked so I guess that's what it was. Weird tho.... He was at an excellent hospital and I'm just glad they got him fixed up. Good thing I'm on the antidepressants already....Now if only I can hang on for one more cycle.... At least that's what I tell myself.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Happy Friday!

I saw my brother last night. He looks good. He's not in pain. The tests for Guillian-Barre came back negative so far, but they have to send off cultures. They went ahead and started the treatments yesterday anyways. Its basically blood products - like plasma - given through IV. Each bag takes 6 hours, for 5 days in a row. And costs $3000 per bag!!!!! He's in the middle of changing jobs so he has to go on cobra and they don't know how much or if any of this is going to be paid for. Plus they got the 2nd baby coming in June/July. When it rains, it pours..... 2ww is halfway over. No symptoms, real or imaginary as usual. Guess I'll test on Wed. I've found if I test and get a BFN I'm not as upset when AF shows up.... and let's face it, she ALWAYS shows up.... The Zoloft is definitely helping!!!! I'm not crying every day anymore. I didn't get upset seeing Plain Jane last night. I even watched Greys. I haven't been watching it cause I really didn't want to see the pg storyline.... but the previews intrigued me. Callie was in a wreck and while they were working on her body, she has an out of body experience and her spirit sings and watches over her. Man was it good!!!!! I bawled!!!!!!! Well maybe I was hormonal a little... but it was a really good episode I thought. Looks like next week they go back to high drama with the baby born premature so I doubt I'll be watching anymore. Oh yeah, and one more thing about Greys, Meredith admitted how jealous she was at Callie's baby shower because it happened so easily for Callie and Meredith has been trying for months... That really got me. I was sooooo happy they put that in!!!!!! That's reality for an IFer for sure..... and I'm glad they portrayed it like a normal human emotion not a psychopath.... That's all I got.