Tuesday, December 28, 2010

After holiday relief....

So the holidays are finally over.... I don't know about you guys but I was wiped out by the time Sunday rolled around. I laid around the house all day and loved every minute of it. :-) I needed the whole day to recuperate.

Christmas was relatively painless. On Christmas Eve I had to see Plain Jane and see her get maternity clothes and a few baby clothes, which I pretty much had to ignore so I didn't lose it... I think my mom knew I was on the edge so when I went into the other room to talk to Coach Girl after presents because she came in there and sat with us. That was a huge move for her. Usually she doesn't get it. There was a WTF moment when my bro started being snarky to me about graduating.... I don't know what that was about. I used to try to encourage him to go back to school but he was never interested. And its not like finishing my degree was easy. At one point I was going to school full time, working full time and working part time at another job.... So I had to work to get it done.

Today was back to work as usual. I felt disoriented all day after having 5 days off in a row!!! Like I couldn't get myself to focus on work at all.... I was hoping to use my last 1/2 day of vacation time on Thurs but I have soooo much to do now I might not be able to. We'll see.....

Monday afternoon I had another appt with Dr. Z. My TSH levels were good after my first month on synthroid. My level was 1.04 which I think is where it should be judging by other people's blogs. However I told Dr Z that I still feel tired a lot which I thought would go away. So she started me on 5 mg of cytomel to take with the synthroid. Apparently that's one of the other thyroid hormones - T3 - which will treat the symptoms of hypothyroid. Anyone have any experience with it? I felt good today, but it could have just been placebo effect too. Its supposed to be pretty fast-acting and you can tell a difference in just 2-3 days which is good. Hopefully it makes a difference.

And this cycle I'm taking an extra 200 mg of B6 daily to see if that changes my luteal phase. Last month I tried 100 mg and I thought I saw a few differences in my cycle but that could have been the thyroid meds too...

Today I went to the dentist. Ugh!!! I'm embarrassed to say how long its been since my last dentist appt. I hate that visit so much! I would rather go to the lady parts doctor 10 times before going to the dentist. :-) But I survived to tell about it so I guess I was just being a big baby all along. hehe

I hope all of you had a good holiday too! :-)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Holiday fun

I finally finished all of my Christmas shopping!! Yesterday 5150 and I had a marathon shopping spree and got almost everything knocked out. It was actually a lot of fun, if not tiring. Christmas is at my mom's at 5:00 tonight and his mom's tomorrow. So I'll be wrapping presents today and tomorrow. As I'm writing this 5150 is putting up the fake tree. I know, nothing like waiting till the last minute. :-) Maybe its a side effect of IF but most of the time I think what's the point of putting up the tree.... no kids here to enjoy it and we run back and forth to other people's houses for gift exchanges... so there's no point in trying to hard on our tree. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.

AF arrived right on time on Wed.... CD 26 as usual. Blah! At least cramps weren't too bad and didn't interfere with the shopping. For the first time in many months, I didn't get too upset this time. I feel like Im running out of hope.... I go through the motions and BD on the right days, but deep down, I just feel ike it will end with another BFN.

Oh well, not trying to be a Debbie Downer.... I'm off to work on the tree now. Happy Holidays to everyone!!! I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you. :-)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My buddy's home!!!

Just wanted to update everyone that our little buddy was found safe and sound! :-) Hubby put out flyers and 10 mins later we got a call. He only made it a few houses away but he was scared to death. He's back home and trying to put it behind him now. (Both the dog and the husband hehe)

My poor pup

Welcome if you're here from ICLW! :-)

So Monday was the big day of the doc appt. And I feel like I didn't really get anywhere. I went to the RE's office and sat there for 1 hour without being called back. I had to leave to get to the appt with the surgeon so I didn't even get to see the RE!!! They make me so mad!!! If they would have told me he was running 1 hour or longer behind, I would've told them I couldn't stay when I checked in. Hmph. So no new info on how the Hashi's will affect treatments. I'm so switching docs....

The surgeon appt went well. He was very thorough and said at this point he wouldn't recommend surgery. The benefits don't outweigh the risks. Surgery usually isn't done until the nodules hit 2.5 cm and my 2 largest are about 1.3. So he recommended taking the meds and redoing the ultrasound in 6 months to see where we're at. I'm ok with that since I got a definitive answer. I feel a lot better about it.

This morning one of my little pups got out of our yard!!! I'm freaking out!!!! :-( This has never happened before... Somebody opened the gate in the middle of the night, don't know who or why yet.... and this morning when I let them in the back yard I didn't see the gate was open and now my poor little buddy is missing. Really?!? Merry stinkin' Christmas!!! Blah!!!!!! My hubby is going to be absolutely devastated if we can't find him. I'm so sick about it!!! I'm praying like crazy that he comes home.

Today's my Friday! I took off tomorrow and Monday so I won't be back until Tues! Woo! And this afternoon is a dentist appt. I hate the dentist. I'll go to any doc 10 times before I go to a dentist. Blah! But I don't want to waste this year's benefits, so I waited until I had 2 weeks left to use them. hehe

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Clearing the air

Thanks for all the congrats from you guys! Graduation was a blast! MIL got to come after all!!! So there were only a handful of people there but it's the people that are the most important to me so it was a great day!!! I got some nice gifts including a Coach purse that's covered in sequins which is exactly what I was hoping for!! :-) I was blown away that my mom got it for me. Usually she does cash which is what I figured she'd do this time. It was a nice surprise.

Cakegirl (SIL and one of my best friends) and I had a long conversation Fri night (I was bawling to the point of hyperventilating for most of it) because she has been able to tell that I've been acting different. So I finally opened up about all the God-awful thoughts you have thanks to the wonderful world of IF. It felt good to get it out in the open and she was wonderfully supportive and sympathetic. I don't know why I didn't just talk to her in the first place. I guess I thought I was fooling everybody and acting normal but really I've just come across as distant or detached.

Cakegirl encouraged me to tell my dad what's been going on.... so I put on my big girl panties and told him yesterday. I've been so afraid to tell him because I don't want to be a disappointment. I'm his only child so if I can't give him grandkids, he won't get any. No pressure, right??? So I told him the short version and he was wonderful about it. I asked him to pray about it and he said he'd have 100 people praying for me. He works for a Christian company, so they do company-wide prayer lists. It was very sweet and touching. He gave me a big hug afterwards and said he'll love me the same no matter what the outcome is. :-)

This afternoon I have the appt with the RE to find out what effect Hashi's will have on my treatment options. And then one with a surgeon to see if I can get my thyroid taken out. I actually am kind of excited because I'm hoping for new information.... And new information is always good.

Its only a 3 day work week for me so I am stoked!!!!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What a way to start off the day!

When I got to work this morning my boss surprised me with some flowers and a graduation card!! Yay!! My first graduation gift!!! She also gave me a Christmas card with some cash from all 3 attys!!! And best of all she told me I'm the best assistant she's ever had!!! This is someone who does not give compliments much and is known to be scary to work for. I was blown away!!!

Last night I was sitting on the couch and my ovaries were just pinging and twinging away!! I'm not sure whats going on in there.... Its like after 30-something years they're both awake and are constantly needling me to make sure I know they're there. This has all come about in the last few months.... Who knows....

I'm worried my mother is going to disappoint me this week at the graduation. She hangs out with losers from her alcoholic days still so all week she's been in court testifying because she saw Loser #1 stab Loser #2 back in May. Closing arguments are set for today. However if the jury doesn't come back this afternoon she might be required to go to Court tomorrow too...she's under a subpoena.... So help me... If she cannot go to my graduation because she insists on hanging out with losers, I'm going to be DEVASTATED.... I'm the only one of her 4 kids that graduated from high school, and now college. (I'm sure that gives you an idea of what kind of family I came from. :-( ) You'd think she'd be excited.... If those losers screw this up I'm going to be PISSED....

I'm going to end today's post with a wonderful quote my dad sent me this morning. Its so beautiful to me....

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innnocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."

- Anonymous


Turns out my mother for once is not letting me down, but my MIL is. I totally wasn't expecting her of all people not to show up!!! I'm WAY closer to the in-laws than my blood relations.... She called crying she's so upset about missing because work threatened to write her up if she calls in, but stilll.... I feel stupid even saying this, but I feel if anyone would understand, you guys would... but I can't help to feel like apparently my graduation is less important than spitting out a kid.... MIL managed to get off for EVERY SINGLE EFFING u/s SIL had.... plus a whole efffing week off when the baby came.,..,., but I can't get 3 hours here?!?!?!? So now I'm Bitter McTwisted again.... Ugh! I hate that!!!! If I wasn't infertile I'm sure I wouldn't have these crazy thoughts.... but its beyond my control....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Happy Holidays!

So last night was the company Christmas party. It was really fun. It was at one of those fancy members only type places so you know the food was excellent!!! And the presentation was like something right off the food network. The wine was free flowing and everyone seemed to be having fun. 5150 picked me up afterwards so I didn't have to worry about driving. Whew!

It was an employee only party, no spouses or significant others... I guess to save money.... But then the big boss did say something I thought was strange. His wife was there and they were talking to a group of about 5 of us female admins and he says he's glad nobody's boyfriends or husbands were allowed to come.... He doesn't like parties with the spouses.... Hmm..... Strange, don't you think? Oh well, its still one of the best places I've worked at.

I've got my Christmas list ready to go so when I go shopping this weekend I can hit the ground running! Only 2 more days til graduation and my dad gets in town!! Woo!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Its a new day...

I'm feeling less whiny then the last post. That's a plus. :-) I got my hair highlighted and my glitter holiday nails over the weekend. Amazing how that puts you in a good mood! Of course I probably should have spent the day Christmas shopping, but there's always tomorrow.... hehe

I'm so wishy-washy!! Last week I was thinking I wasn't ovulating because the OPK didn't turn positive but I had ovulation pain and for the first time in my life I had ovulation spotting!! I don't know if thats good or bad, just different. When I first saw it on the TP I started to panic - Oh no, where am I bleeding from?!?! HAHAHA Of course thats a stupid question..... It was only there a couple of times and wouldn't be visible on the 2nd wipe... so being the IFer I am I ran to Dr Google... Is it a cyst blowing up??? Is my cycle starting after only 2 weeks. Since it didn't turn into a flow I'm going to assume its just ovulation spotting... I do the same thing with ovulation pain.... I start emailing everyone that I probably have another cyst blah blah blah.... then it goes away. I probably sound like a maniac. hehehe Thats why I started this blog. I know I'm not the only one out there obsessing over IPS (Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms) or some days even IOS (Imaginary Ovulation Symptoms) and that totally makes me feel better! :-)

Tonight is happy hour with a friend and tomorrow is the firm Christmas party. Yay!!! And its a short week since I'm off on Fri. I definitely plan on getting some Christmas shopping done before the weekend. I don't have a choice since we're doing our Christmas with my dad and stepmom this weekend while they're in town. I guess I'm finally getting some Christmas spirit. I hope all of you are having a good week too.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


So here it is on CD 15 and no sign of a positive OPK anywhere to be found. Hmph. I got all excited about the EWCM but if I was going to ovulate this month I think the monitor would have started showing high fertility by now. Last month high popped up on days 12-15 and peak (when you actually O) showed up on days 16-18. Blah!!!! I don't know what to think.... I knew better than to get excited the other day.... Shoulda known my reproductive system would sap the joy right out of me again. Hmph.

I started thinking maybe my RE would prescribe progesterone so I could see if that would make a difference to my LP. I spoke to the nurse today and she said he doesn't usually do that. Why should I be surprised.... I swear I picked the most difficult RE... Seems like everyone else's just does the progesterone treatment - its not going to hurt anything. On the plus side I asked if he's familiar with Hashimotos and she was like AHA! She said he has other patients that have it. So I'm going to go ahead and go in with my Hashimoto records and see if he has any advice onwhere to go from here. Its an afternoon appt so that means no hoo-ha camera. Yes! :-) If I don't like what he says this time I'm going to take my records to friend's doc. The only reason I'm giving this guy one more chance is he's actually an RE and I thought that might be better with the thryoid issues. So the 20th I have a consult with him and then straight to the consult with the surgeon. Should be a fun afternoon....

Does anyone else feel sooooo behind on Christmas stuff?!?!? I haven't done anything.... haven't put up a tree, haven't bought a single gift.... Arrgghh!!! This morning I made up my list and there are people I have no ideas for. That never happens to me!!! Ugh!!!! I already told 5150 I don't want to go all out this year... Everyone will just have to get over it. I'm not in the mood!!!! Anyone else feeling bah humbug out there??? :-(

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


This is definitely TMI, but who better to share it with than you guys.... :-) I'm not temping because my temps are always all over the place.... probably because of thyroid issues... So I only rely on the Clear Blue monitor. I'm CD 12 and haven't even hit high fertility according to the monitor. Last month I didn't get high until CDF 12 or 13 so I'm fine with that. But just now when I went to the restroom I had a handful of EWCM!!! I mean literally enough to put in the palm of my hand. Ewww!!! Where the hell did that come from???? And I could stretch my thumb and forefinger apart as wide as I could and it still didn't break. This is some crazy shit!!! I usually have a good amount but I've never seen anything like this!! I started taking an extra 100 mgs on CD 1 but would it make a difference this fast?!??!?!

I'm totally excited!!!! Maybe something is working around here finally. Maybe my body isn't going to fail me every chance it gets anymore... Haven't BD'd since Sat.... so I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight and the next few nights. hehehe

This week I moved into my new office! I can't believe I get to have my own office!!! I work in a secretarial capacity and at all the other firms I was at before I had to be the one who sits in the lobby... No privacy for internet or phone calls. Soooo not fun!!!! I'm just so thankful to have such a good job! :-)

And I've made an appt to consult with a surgeon. I'm not jumping into anything. I just want to get his opinion as to whether surgery is a good idea with the size of the nodules to compare to what Dr Z says when I go back to her. All those fun appts will be Dec 20 and 21. Because our insurance policy at work started Feb 1, I would think this year's benefits would go until Jan 31, a full calendar year. Shouldn't that be right? If so I would have Jan to get this taken care of if that's what I decide to do. Our Benefits coordinator is supposed to get back to me on it.

Friday, December 3, 2010


So I know I started this as an IF blog but it seems like all I talk about lately is my thyroid. Anybody else notice that? hehe

So I've been researching Hashimoto's and what I've found is it never goes away. So surgery doesn't cure it. But it seems like if you had your thyroid removed, which would make you dependent on the thyroid meds, than it would be less likely for your hormone levels to go out of control. Doesn't that seem logical? And I'll already have to take the meds the rest of my life anyways, why keep a gland that's out of control and can go haywire at any given minute? Then there's the issue of the nodules. My 3 add up to over 3 cm. That doesn't sound like much but the gland is normally only 5 cm big. So basically over half of my gland is enlarged. I have this constant stupid tickle in my throat that wakes me up every night. And if I eat too fast or swallow liquids too fast it feels like it gets caught for aminute in my throat. I feel like an idiot whining on here cause I know there are far worse things to have.... but I'm just trying to work through whether I should pursue thryoid surgery.

Secondly financially it would be good to do this year. Tick tock, right.... I'm already on 100% until Feb 1 I think. So if I just take the wait and see approach and give it say 6 months for the nodules to shrink, and they don't I'll be onthe line for another deductible next year. And we're planning on adding my hubby to my policy which would my deductible go up to $6000!!! Arrgghhh!!! I don't know if I'll be able to swing that!!!

I also found some studies that the odds are higher that you end up with thyroid cancer if you have Hashimotos than if you don't. Like 30-50% higher. The problem is the cancer can hide behind the nodules and won't be detected until you have the gland removed.

And finally I guess I would like to just lose the thyroid, get on the meds and focus 100% on the IF battle.... I don't feel like I have a whole lot of time to keep jacking with this. We're not getting more fertile every day around here.... :-)

Someone did leave me an excellent comment that after she was diagnosed with Hashimotos, and got the meds situated she was able to conceive.... That's the best news I've heard in forever!!!!! So obviously surgery might not be required.... I'm just trying to decide if its something I should push for.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

December already?!

I can't believe this year is already pretty much over! Wow!

Thank you everyone for you comments! :) Its good to know there are success stories with Hashimotos. Today was the 1st day of thyroid meds. I'm happy to be trying something.

More good news - I'm going to switch to my friend's doctor for further IF treatments. I wasn't feeling great about the one I was seeing. So my friend contacted her doc's office and he does IUI in the office for about $350! Woo! I was expecting it to be a lot higher. Plus he'll let you do clomid/progesterone cycles first if you want. I think that might actually be a good thing to try since my issues seem to be ovulating late and wacky hormones. We don't have Male Factor or anything that would prevent us from trying.... My old doc wanted to go straight to IVF. However, I don't have the money for that right now... I'm not anywhere near having the money for that.... So at least with this other doc I'll be trying something. And that's a good feeling! I'm starting to feel like 2011 might just be our year!!! (Of course I also thought that about 2010, and 2009... hehe) I hope I'm not being too naive....

In 2 weeks I finally graduate from college!!! It only took me 17 years but I did it!! Boy has this been a long time in the making. My dad is even coming down from Washington state for the ceremony. Yay!!!

Right now I have to focus on getting ready for moving our office tho. I'm up to my eyeballs in boxes!! Ugh!!!!! Monday we'll be in our new office and I'll be able to feel like I'm not drowning anymore! Can't wait!

How's everyone out there doing?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Today was the big appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results.... The good news is it was benign. The not-so-good-news, at least according to the doc is I definitely have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid. Seriously.... My body is trying to destroy itself?! That just figures.... Hmph. So I start .25 of thyroid medication tomorrow.

The truth is I was soooo happy to have that diagnosis!!! I just figured out I have too short of a luteal phase and one cause is hypothyroidism.... which all the prior blood test haven't shown... Hashimotos is hypothyroidism so I'm so happy that I was right... Something IS going in here.... Ladies, listen to your gut!!! I can't say it enough!!! Now does this guarantee that I'll be able to get pregnant or stay pregnant? No, but at least its something to try. I've read that some people with unexplained IF get pregnant after getting on thyroid meds. Hopefully that'll be the case. I guess time will tell. If anyone knows of any success stories, I'd love to hear it!!!

So I go back in 3-4 weeks and retest blood and see how this dose of thyroid is making me feel. She's also retesting my calcium. Apparently it was high last time. Unfortunately she said if it comes back high again they're referring me to a hematologist which is blood/oncology??? Gulp!!! I really don't think its cancer tho, I suspect its my parathyroids. I guess we'll see..... I'm not focusing on that right now... I just want to get into the next cycle to see if this med will make a difference.

Just the other day I was really feeling hopeless.... Its so hard when month after month there's no good news. When your body fails you at every chance it gets.... I felt like I couldn't face 1 more cycle.... but I feel like I have the smallest inkling of hope again! Maybe things will get better in the next few cycles!!! Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted! :-)

Friday, November 26, 2010


Just as I suspected the other day AF came in today. So once again this cycle is a bust. I'm so frustrated because this cycle was only 25 days long and my luteal phase must have only been about 8 days long. I'm pretty sure its physically impossible to get pg with a LP that short.

Its so aggravating that when the monitor (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor) wasn't picking up my LH surge, the one month my RE did u/s he said it looked like I was O'ing around day 14.... But I knew from years ago when the monitor was picking up my surges it said around day 17-18... I was so excited when the RE said Day 14!!! That gave me hope..... Now we're back to day 18?!?!? I'm pretty sure I must have a luteal phase defect (LPD) which I have suspected for a long time... Of course the RE didn't address a luteal phase defect because it didn't appear I had one. How can I find an RE that specializes in this sort of problem? Anybody know? If anyone has any positive experiences with a Houston RE I would love to hear about it!!!!

In other news I had a really good Thanksgiving holiday until AF came along and ruined it... Dinner with my family was amazingly smooth.... In fact I would call it enjoyable and it hasn't been that way in many many years. It was almost a Thanksgiving miracle!!! :-)

Well there was one negative thing at my mothers.... Some loser she knew from her alcoholic days was there with his skanky girlfriend who was 8 months pg.... They sat outside and ate so I really didn't even get a chance to speak to them. My mom tells me this chic is giving her baby up for adoption. I swear I felt my heart stop beating.... As in, are you telling me there's a person looking for an adoptive family in this very house?????? My mother noticed me perking up and proceeded to tell me that she has drank EVERY day of her pregnancy so far, in addition to smoking crack in the 1st trimester and smoking marijuana up until 7 months.... Real nice, huh? I'm pretty sure the adoption agency and the potential adoptive family has no knowledge of this... Thank God she wasn't doing any of this while we were there... My SIL CoachGirl, a fellow IFer, was livid right along beside me and we both would have flipped out on that chic if we would have seeen any of that. And bubbling up comes all the feelings of how unfair this IF business truly is.....

Midnight shopping was a huge success!!! Except I was totally not dressed for the occasion. I was running late and didn't change into tennis shoees and forgot my coat at home... So my high I got from all the bargain deals only lasted so long and I went home feeling beat at about 2:00 a.m. I could have made it a lot longer with better shoes at least. Oh well, I'm not complaining... I got a coach purse for $200 off the retail price! Jackpot!!!!!

Hope everyone else had a good holiday!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

AF is on the way....

Well, ladies, I think this cycle is a bust..... as usual.... :-( AF is scheduled to arrive on Sat but I'm already cramping. And I always have cramps in my lower back so I don't think there's really a possibility they're actually implantation cramps. At least I have Darvocet left over from my biopsy so if the cramps even act like they're going to show up and ruin my holiday and night of shopping, I can beat them away with pain pills! Ha!

I'm still anxious about the upcoming appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results next Tues. And every single day this week so far I have had to wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning because of this stupid nodule making me cough. I have to drink water and use the Chloraseptic spray until it settles down again so I can go back to sleep. Stupid nodule!!! I really wish I was already scheduled for surgery at this point.

Guess I'm PMSing because as you can probably tell everything is making me cranky today. I'm hoping we get out of work early so I can go home and get some pain relief, but last year that didn't happen. Hmph. Oh well, only 7 more hours now.... Blah!!!

Anyhoo, hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, eats until you're ready to explode and for those die-hard shoppers, hope you find the deal of the century out there!! I'll be looking too! :-)

Friday, November 19, 2010


I'm officially in the 2ww now. Woo! We BD'd on some choice days I think. I even tried the instead cups. That was quite an experience. I thought for a minute I had lost that stupid cup and wasn't going to be able to find it much less get it out! hehe Now I've got it down to a science. ;-)

I'm a little concerned that my luteal phase is too short. I O'd around day 17 according to the CBEFM but I only have 26 day cycles. Sometimes 25 days even. That's not near long enough. So I start researching short luteal phases and what's one of the first things I find???? An enlarged thyroid can cause short LP. Gah!!!! That really kind of makes me mad!!! All these docs never suspected the thyroid and 30 secs with an endocrinologist and she can find it?!?!?! And if I would have listened to the GP I never would have made an appt with an Endo!!!! Its so aggravating. I've pretty much decided that whatever the results are from the biopsy I just want the damn thing removed!!! I don't want to have to do God-awful biopsies every 6 mos or year.... Just take it out and I'll take the thyroid pills. No biggie. Tons of people I know are on thyroid meds and they're all fine. Hmph!!!!

Good thing I'm a researching fool and I was able to find info on the thyroid connection to short LP. :-)

Counting down the days to Thanksgiving!!!! For the 1st year ever I'm more excited about the shopping than the food. :-) We're doing the midnight shopping at the local outlet mall again this year and I'm totally psyched!!!

Counting down the days to the biopsy results too.... That's the 30th so a little more than a week.... My bruises have faded to a lovely shade of green now and are so much more noticeable. Wonderful... People keep asking me what's on my neck.... Sigh....

That's all my news... How's everyone doing out there?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Dreaded Thyroid Biopsy

So yesterday I was the Human Pin Cushion! Not a good day at all.... I scheduled a 3 hour glucose test for the morning. My blood sugar has been coming back a little elevated at 103 which technically isn't even pre-diabetes yet, but I am ALWAYS thirsty. So Dr Z said I could do a glucose test just to be sure. I have deep veins that roll and the chic doing the blood draws apparently isnt very good with that type of vein. She ended up getting all 4 draws out of my hands after digging in my arms. My hands were so bruised when I left I couldn't even put my hands in my pockets afterwards! Ugh!!

Then onto the thyroid biopsy. Let me tell you, if a doc ever suggests a biopsy of anything... I don't care if its my big toe... I'm going to want to be knocked out! It was brutal!!!! And I have a pretty high tolerance. I never had pain with any of the IF tests.... This was a different ballgame. They give you a shot of Lidocaine to start which feelsl like a wasp stinging you on your neck. Then the u/s tech locates the nodule and Dr Z uses the u/s image to guide the needle into the nodule directly. When the needle goes in there's immense pressure like someone is squeezing your neck and its scary to breathe and THEN she has to pump the plunger 3 times to aspirate the fluid. ARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me back up to when the MA prepped the room I noticed she put out 16 glass slides. I'm thinking I hope they can fill up more than 1 slide with each puncture.... Not the case. She had to aspirate each nodule 8 times!!!! So including the Lydocaine injections I got stabbed in the thyroid 19 times!!!!! I told you it was BRUTAL!

Finally its over and they give me a scrip for Darvocet. Thank God! And instruct me to go home and keep ice on it until bedtime to reduce bruising. I'm glad I took the whole day off and hadn't planned on going back to work. Fortunately DH a/k/a 5150 had driven me because by the timme I got to the waiting room I don't think I would have been able to drive. I guess your body releases endorphins or adrenaline or something from the pain so by the time I got of there I was dizzy and trembling and freezing cold. I came straight home and got on the couch while 5150 got my scrips and took care of me the rest of the day. :-)

I kept the ice on it for about 6-8 hours so when I woke up the bruising was minimal. There's one light bruise on the side kind of the size of a thumbprint and a few small red splotches but at least its not so bad I can't get out of the house without looking like a freak.

On a positive note I'm very confident that Dr Z is an excellent doc and if there's anything wrong she'll be able to handle it. She's got awards and certificates on the walls of her office from floor to ceiling. I won't get the results until Nov 30 tho!! Can you believe that???? 2 1/2 weeks to wait to find out if its cancer?!?! That's just cruel to me!!! But the lab takes 10 business days.

I had 2 good things happen this week tho. I found out this week that when my company moves offices in Dec I'm going to have my own office!!! For the first time ever!!!! I can't believe it I'm so excited!!!!

And for the first time in forever I GOT A POSITIVE OPK!!!!! I realize that's only 1/2 the battle but maybe my body is finally going to start acting right. And just in the nick of time. I was really feeling discouraged this cycle. I have to rely on CM and temps to figure out my ovulatioon and my temps are usually all over the board. So half the time I'm not even confident that we're BD'ing at the right time. Boy would that be a huge relief to me if I could just be able to rely on OPK's and feel fairly confident that I know when I'm ovulating. Whew!!! Maybe there's hope for this TTC journey yet.....

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dr. Z

So I saw the endocrinologist Dr Z today because my calcium levels were elevated at my last physical. At my first appt she said my thyroid is a little enlarged, we should do an ultrasound of the thyroid and parathyroid. Today at the ultrasound I knew it was going to be bad when the tech says "Dr Z you have to come look at this...." Holy crap! I have nodules on my thyroid over 1 cm. That doesn't sound too big but according to her 20% of the population has nodules smaller than 1cm and only 4% have nodules bigger than that. Of those people 10% have thyroid cancer.

So I have to go back Friday so she can do a needle biopsy of the nodules. Yes, she's going TO STAB ME IN THE THROAT WITH A NEEDLE!!! AARRGGHH!!! And with nothing other than Lidocaine. I'm soooo going to need something for my nerves. I guess this is what I get for trying to be proactive in my health for the first time in my life... a freaking needle in my neck!!!!

Now I can hear the Morbid Thoughts Monster knocking at the door, but we're not going to let him in right now. I will freak the #*@# out if I let him in and he makes himself at home. So we'll just turn off the porch light and pretend like we're not home. Go away Morbid Thoughts Monster, go away!

On a good note, Plain Jane is going through with the pregnancy. And I had a talk with mother aka Lt. Dan and told her when I'm having a good day, I'll ask for a progress update. Otherwise, we're not going to talk about it. Understood? She said ok... we'll see if she sticks to it.

So hopefully the biopsy goes well and I'll only have good things to report. Until then let's keep our fingers crossed. :-)

Monday, November 8, 2010

My breaking point

So what prompted me to finally start my own blog after months of stalking, I mean lurking other blogs? October was probably the hardest month I've had so far in this TTC journey.

First SIL Cake Girl had Baby #3. I knew that it was going to be hard on me but my meltdown was way worse than I thought it would be. Not because I wished anything bad to happen to her pregnancy or baby, but because holding that brand new baby gave me the most intense sadness I've ever had. Because what if that's something that I never get to experience? For every cycle that's a bust I can see the grain of sand fall from the hourglass that represents my fertility. Then there's the anger and bitterness and jealousy followed by shame and guilt for feeling so bitter and jealous. It's a baby... I should be jumping for joy for the family. Instead I'm Bitter McTwisted.

Exactly one week later, right after I tell my mother that I had a hard time being around Cake Girl's pregnancy and baby, she tells me SIL Plain Jane is pregnant. Isn't that fantastic.... Another 9 months of pregnant bellies and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.... And Plain Jane has a far worse case of endometriosis than I have and she gets prego in 3 months!!! That's right!!! Only 3 EFFING MONTHS!!!! ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week after that as we're in the hospital waiting room for my other SIL Coach Girl (last one I promise) to get out of BRAIN SURGERY my mother gives me the whopper of all whoppers causing me a meltdown of volcanic proportions.... Plain Jane is thinking about not having the baby. ARE YOU KIDDINNG ME??????? This is someone who's married, has a job, a house and health insurance and GOT OFF EFFING BIRTH CONTROL TO GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! It makes me question why would God give her a baby after 3 months of trying while torturing me for years and that ungrateful b*tch doesn't realize how effing lucky she is and might not keep it? I had to run to the bathroom of the hospital and UGLY CRY for a long time before I could even come out and be around people again. The rest of the day, actually the rest of the weekend I could barely hold myself together. Even now writing about it I am sad to the very core of my being.

Now I am going to have a talk with my mother telling her that when I'm having a good day I'll ask about people's pregnancies... otherwise, do not tell me anything. And I'll send a gift, but I will not be going to this baby shower. Hmph!!!!! Never mind the fact that her last baby shower was FILLED with girls who are having their 4th kid at the ripe old age of 23. I just can't take it anymore I'm afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps here, but I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper in the quicksand. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into self-protect mode and be checked out if I have to hear one more insensitive remark.

In non-IF news tomorrow I have a follow up with an endocrinologist, Dr. Z. When I had my physical this year my calcium level came back high. That's 2 years in a row. After doing some research the parathyroid gland causes excessive calcium. So I found Dr Z and at the first appt they redid all my bloodwork 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll get those results and they'll do an ultrasound of my thyroid and parathyroid. I have symptoms of hyperthyroid and insullin resistance even tho technically my blood levels are in the normal range. I know all of those things can contribute to IF so in an attempt to rule out every little thing I can think of, I'll be hoping Dr Z can figure out what's going on if there's something to be concerned about. Is it pathetic when you hope they DO find something.... That way I can say, "See there, that was the problem, now that we're fixing it there's hope for a BFP one of these days...." At this point I'm probably grasping at straws but what the hell is it going to hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Here goes nothing....

Hello All! I've been lurking for quite awhile now but I'm excited to reveal myself and officially joint the fun of blogging.

I'm mid-30's (when did that happen??) and DH and I have been married for 12 years. We just can't seem to do what everyone around me can do so easily, which of course, is to make a baby. I've been off b/c for about 10 years. I got pregnant twice but both ended in miscarriage within a week of getting the BFP. :-( We've now been hard-core TTC and peeing on sticks since April 09. Last summer I started getting endo symptoms and in Feb 10 the Gyno found 1 cyst on each ovary. I had a lap in May and she removed all spots of endo (stage 1 - whew!). She also popped the cyst that was still hanging around. That's right - she popped with a needle! Ouch!! Also had the HSG, you know, "while we were in there" which revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

At that point we'd been TTC for 1 year so I started seeing a RE. OPK's NEVER come up positive for me so I figured I wasn't ovulating. RE did ultrasounds and found I do O. According to him, for a small percentage of women, the LH surge isn't enough to trigger an OPK. Anyone else ever heard of this??? I've been tested for PCOS, karyotyped, had an HSG, post-coital test, and DH had a SA. All came back normal. Guess I'm officially Unexplained IF. The next appointment will be to discuss pros and cons of IUI v IVF. I know IVF is out of the question financially. Hopefully IUI is within my reach and I can do that early 2011.

I'm probably going to switch RE's before going too much farther as this clinic has done things that give me a bad feeling. Once when I called to make a follow up appt, the nurse tells me "So you're going with IVF? Your b/c pills are ready to be picked up." I had a total meltdown as the RE has not even discussed ANY treatment options!!! She was looking at the wrong chart. Hmph!! I'm thinking if they can't even keep the charts straight, how can I trust them to keep other things straight???

I have a lot of blessings tho - DH, friends, family (even tho sometimes they make things worse with ignorant comments), a good job, a decent house, and 3 little dogs that crack me up every single day!!! They'll probably pop up on here from time to time. :-)

I'm sure I'm leaving a lot of stuff out. I'm just hoping this blog will help me to keep what little sanity I have left most days.... :-)