My breaking point

So what prompted me to finally start my own blog after months of stalking, I mean lurking other blogs? October was probably the hardest month I've had so far in this TTC journey.

First SIL Cake Girl had Baby #3. I knew that it was going to be hard on me but my meltdown was way worse than I thought it would be. Not because I wished anything bad to happen to her pregnancy or baby, but because holding that brand new baby gave me the most intense sadness I've ever had. Because what if that's something that I never get to experience? For every cycle that's a bust I can see the grain of sand fall from the hourglass that represents my fertility. Then there's the anger and bitterness and jealousy followed by shame and guilt for feeling so bitter and jealous. It's a baby... I should be jumping for joy for the family. Instead I'm Bitter McTwisted.

Exactly one week later, right after I tell my mother that I had a hard time being around Cake Girl's pregnancy and baby, she tells me SIL Plain Jane is pregnant. Isn't that fantastic.... Another 9 months of pregnant bellies and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.... And Plain Jane has a far worse case of endometriosis than I have and she gets prego in 3 months!!! That's right!!! Only 3 EFFING MONTHS!!!! ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week after that as we're in the hospital waiting room for my other SIL Coach Girl (last one I promise) to get out of BRAIN SURGERY my mother gives me the whopper of all whoppers causing me a meltdown of volcanic proportions.... Plain Jane is thinking about not having the baby. ARE YOU KIDDINNG ME??????? This is someone who's married, has a job, a house and health insurance and GOT OFF EFFING BIRTH CONTROL TO GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! It makes me question why would God give her a baby after 3 months of trying while torturing me for years and that ungrateful b*tch doesn't realize how effing lucky she is and might not keep it? I had to run to the bathroom of the hospital and UGLY CRY for a long time before I could even come out and be around people again. The rest of the day, actually the rest of the weekend I could barely hold myself together. Even now writing about it I am sad to the very core of my being.

Now I am going to have a talk with my mother telling her that when I'm having a good day I'll ask about people's pregnancies... otherwise, do not tell me anything. And I'll send a gift, but I will not be going to this baby shower. Hmph!!!!! Never mind the fact that her last baby shower was FILLED with girls who are having their 4th kid at the ripe old age of 23. I just can't take it anymore I'm afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps here, but I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper in the quicksand. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into self-protect mode and be checked out if I have to hear one more insensitive remark.

In non-IF news tomorrow I have a follow up with an endocrinologist, Dr. Z. When I had my physical this year my calcium level came back high. That's 2 years in a row. After doing some research the parathyroid gland causes excessive calcium. So I found Dr Z and at the first appt they redid all my bloodwork 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll get those results and they'll do an ultrasound of my thyroid and parathyroid. I have symptoms of hyperthyroid and insullin resistance even tho technically my blood levels are in the normal range. I know all of those things can contribute to IF so in an attempt to rule out every little thing I can think of, I'll be hoping Dr Z can figure out what's going on if there's something to be concerned about. Is it pathetic when you hope they DO find something.... That way I can say, "See there, that was the problem, now that we're fixing it there's hope for a BFP one of these days...." At this point I'm probably grasping at straws but what the hell is it going to hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent!