Lots of updates

First and most importantly I traded in that stupid torture device!!! Woohoo!!! I took it back to the store and exchanged it for one without an underwire. I was worried that they were going to fight me on it. But the saleslady was very nice and understanding. I mean I can't keep a $60 bra that I can't even wear without crying, right?! So problem solved!! Thanks for the suggestions on websites to go to tho. I'm definitely going to try womanwithin.com the next time I get a new bra.

I had a follow up with my thyroid doc last Thurs. Dr Z said my bloodwork looked good. But now its too high and I'm on the other side of the normal range at 0.3. A month ago I was at 1.4 so it must have been that T3. I started to freak out that she was going to take away the T3!!! I can't go back to sleeping all the time like I was without it!!!! I told her as much so she cut down my synthroid 2 days a week instead. Whew!!!! And now I don't have to redo my bloodwork for 3 months. Yay!!!

One concerning note tho - they redid my thyroid u/s and found a new cyst. Hmph!!!! At the last one I had 3 nodules. They've all shrank since I've started taking the drugs. So this popped out of nowhere. And he said this was a cyst not a nodule. And it already grew to 0.5 cm even tho I'm on the medicine that should shrink them!!! So I'm a little concerned about this one. Generally according to Dr. Google they're suspicious if they're fast growing and depending on if they're solid or fluid which he didn't tell me. So Dr Z will review the results and get back to me. God I hope I don't have to redo that effing biopsy!!!!! If I do I'm going to ask for a valium or nerve pill of some sort to take beforehand. I can't go in there without anything again now that I know how painful it will be.

The POAS marathon has now commenced! I've been using the cheapo internet sticks since CD 9. I'm thinking I might be Oing this weekend which would be REALLY early for me. But maybe because my thryoid hormones are all straightened out, its changing???? Has this happened to anyone else? Basically CD 9 was super light. CD 10 was very dark, but not quite positive. CD 11 was significantly lighter again. Also all my EWCM is gone. That was mostly CD9-10 also. Is it really possible I O'd this early?!?!?!? This morning's stick was super light but I'm taking one again this evening. I guess if its light too I should assume that my LH surge was CD 10? That would put O definitelly over with by today, right? Dr Wonderful said to start the progesterone 3 days after ovulation so I should start it on Wed? Does this sound right? I really wish I would have taken more than one test on CD 10. Arrgghh!!!! I'm so mad at myself....

For me?!?!?!

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Torture devices

I don't think I mentioned that I went bra shopping over the weekend. Ugh!!! I had been putting it off forever cause I knew I had to go up ANOTHER cup size. When we were skating last week tho, I fell down and my boob pretty much popped right out of the bra! Talk about embarrassing... hehe So I went to a specialty store that stocks everything up to an N! Whew! Not that I'm an N.... but I definitely can't buy bras at the mall anymore. Hmph!

While I was there I overheard another customer who was getting a nursing bra in my size. I was so relieved that they sell nursing bras in this size!!! I've always been worried that IF I ever get prego, where the hell am I going to get a bra?!?!? So now one more piece of the puzzle has fallen in place for me... Now if we could ACTUALLY just get prego .....

But this new bra is TORTURE!!! UGH!!!! Its the right size so its not uncomfortable because its too tight or ill-fitting. Its the DAMN underwire! God I hate underwire!!! I think the only reason it was invented was to make our lives hell yet give our bosoms a nice lift.... That means a man must have invented it! hehehe

I have another appt with the thyroid doc tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can up my dose of T3. I ended up being short a few pills so I didn't take any this weekend so I'd have enough to get me through the work week. Right away I totally felt like I used to. I slept 11 hours Fri night and still had to take a 2 hour nap on Sat. Blah!!!! I haven't taken one single nap since I started the T3 a month ago. Now I see I seriously have to take these meds the rest of my life. I cannot go back to feeling that way! My thyroid doc is very sympathetic tho. And when she started me on T3 she said we'll start with a small dose cause some people are sensitive to T3. So I'm sure she'll let me bump up to the next dose. Fingers are crossed anyways....

New RE

I had my first appt with the new doc today and the verdict is in - I LOVE HIM!!! I might just call him Dr. Wonderful.. :-) He really put me at ease.... and answered all my questions and gave me a definite timeline.... I'm doing clomid/progesterone for 2 months. If that doesn't work we're upping my dose and doing a trigger shot for a couple of months. If that doesn't work we can move to IUI. Yay!!! I ACTUALLY HAVE A SCRIP FOR CLOMID IN MY HAND!!! I know it's no guarantee... but I feel like I'm finally taking action and can progress throught the steps. With my old doc I felt like he kept all the possible treatment options under a shroud of secrecy.... He was very tight-lipped and I hate that!!!!

So I won't be able to start the fun and games until next month since I'm already on CD 6..... but I feel like there's hope for this year after all!!!!

On another note, on night last week I went roller skating with my mom. And the roller derby girls were there practicing!!!! They had on crazy tutus and leggings and it looked like so much fun!!!!! I started looking online and you can take skate lessons from derby girls to get the basics down. Sounds like fun!!! Even my mom is up for it!! Of course, I'm not stupid like Plain Jane so if I get so much as a hint of a BFP I'll hang up my skates for good... But in the meantime, I can't stop living, right??? Its feels good to get all my frustration tunneled into something. :-)

Thursday I have a follow up appt with Dr Z about my 1st month on the T3 pills. Those pills are life-changing. I was running low so I didn't take any over the weekend so I'd have enough to get me to my next appt. And just like that, I was exhausted and taking 2 hour naps after sleeping for 11 hours!!! Its crazy what a difference it makes!!!! I'm going to ask her on Thurs if I can try the next dosage up....just to see if that makes a difference. And my hard-headed mother FINALLY has an appt with her this week... I've been telling her since Oct to get in to see Dr. Z.!! She's wants to try the T3 pills too cause she still has a lot of hypo symptoms as well.

I guess that's all that's going on right now... I hope everyone is having a good week out there!!

CD1

When I woke up this morning AF was finally here. I'm kind of relieved. I have been soooo weepy and overly emotional the last few days I couldn't take much more of that. I already feel less PMS-y. I'm starting to feel positive again. I hate when I get stuck in a funk like I have been the last few days..... I suppose we all do... Last cycle was a 28 day cycle which I think has GOT to be better for TTC than a 25 day cycle. Maybe now that my thyroid meds are stable my cycle will go back to being normal. A girl can hope can't she? :-)

I'm switching to my friend's RE and I couldn't believe it - they can see me on Monday! Woo! I thought for sure it would be a month to get in. So I've ordered my records from my old RE and hopefully they'll get faxed over by Monday's appt. I'm really excited! My old RE "didn't believe" in luteal phase defects... but my friend spoke to her doc about me and he said the treats all dysfunctions. Whew!!! I'm hoping to at least be able to try something different.

I really want to start trying acupuncture too. I've been researching some facilities in the area but more than likely I'll have to wait until the ol' tax refund comes in to be able to start that up. Oh well, at least its something to look forward too.

Oh yes, spoke to the mother this morning and reiterated that she HAS TO warn me if Plain Jane is going to be around. I have to steel myself for whatever stupid thing Plain Jane is going to say or do... My mother agreed. I guess we'll see if she sticks to it.

Thanks for all the well wishes the last couple of days! You guys are an amazing support system and I think I seriously would have lost my mind if I couldn't vent to ya'll. :-)

People are idiots!!!

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but this is the last one I promise. Hopefully nobody else makes me mad anyways. :-)

At lunch today a 60+-year-old coworker out of the blue starts talking about so many people have problems getting pregnant these days.... I've never talked to her about my struggles so I don't know where that came from.... Anyways she goes on to say its our fault for taking birth control for so long... What did people think would happen.... SERIOUSLY?!?!? Never mind that this isn't the 50's anymore where women had no choice but to get married and get knocked up... Never mind that I wanted to finish college, get a career going, and buy a house before I had kids.... I guess I deserve what's coming to me.... GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or never mind that there are theories that we're receiving too many hormones from our environment which causes girls to go into puberty way earlier than they used to and possibly increases fertility problems..... Or what about the possiblity that my mom's generation, including my mom and her friends, had all their kids and their tubes tied by the time they hit 30. Many also had hysterectomies by then, so how do they know whether or not they would have been able to get pregnant. Is this what normal people think about IFers?????

I'm already having a very weepy, emotional week and then I have to listen to this shit at lunch? I went back to work early and ended up crying until I get myself under control. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!!! I needed it!!!!

Sigh...

I know this sounds awful but I don't allow myself to pee on HPT's EVER. Its a pact I made with myself that I'm only allowed a HPT if AF is actually late. Why you might ask? Because I can't stand the hope that will inevitably sneak in as I wait those 3 minutes... just to come crashing down when there's only 1 line. So that little bitch AF didn't show up on time... I know she's doing this just to fuck with me.... She was due yesterday and I am NEVER late.... So as the day progressed I started to get little twinges of hope.... what if this is THE cycle!!?!? Mind you, I have no symptoms, real or imaginary.... This morning I caved and took the stupid test. OF COURSE I got a stupid BFN... I don't know why I thought it would be anything else.... Stupid AF, stupid pee sticks of hope and stupid me for letting it get to me!!! ARRGGHHH!!!!

One funny thing tho, I remember my dream right before I woke up... I had peed on the stick and left it to cook for its 3 mins... when someone walked up and said they already looked at it and it was negative.... I slapped that guy across the face with all the strength I had in my body... Literally the second the slap was over the alarm went off... Guess I'm tired of BFN's even in my dreams... So like I said in the title... Sigh....

Black Swan

So the hubby and I just got back from watching Black Swan. Wow!!!! The previews barely give you a glimpse into what a dark and twisted movie this becomes. That being said, I LOVED IT!!! :-) Its one of those crazy movies that you have to ponder for awhile after its over to work it out in your head.

After the movie was over I was standing in the hallway waiting for the hubby to come out of the bathroom and you could see little groups of people huddled together discussing their theories.

Natalie Portman was soooooo good in it!!! She had to have taken ballet as a child. Just now I was researching it and the last 2 monthws before the movie started filming she spent 8 hours a day between swimming, toning, and ballet. It shows in her performance!!! I just wish it was a book so I could read it too!

It's a total trip but if you like movies like that I recommend it! :-)

Just when I thought it was safe.....

Yesterday my mother invited me to go roller skating with her and my nephew Z. Also my SIL Cakegirl and her kiddos. I show up in a good mood then she tells me that Plain Jane is coming too. Hmph!!! I am still mad at her for the whole fiasco that she didn't know if she was going to keep the baby that she conceived ON PURPOSE. I've told my mother she isn't allowed to speak to me about the remainder of the pg unless I ask. Apparently she doesn't think that applies to telling me if she's going to show up at an event. I know I really sound like a HUGE bitch right now.... but its just so hard to be around someone that's showing right now... especially HER.

So we're standing there and I ask if my bro is going to roller skate too and Plain Jane pipes up that SHE'S going to roller skate. I tell her "You can't roller skate." She says "Why not?" I tell her again "You can't roller skate!" Again she asks why not. I know I was staring daggers at her by now. I tell her "You can't skate when you're 5 months pregnant because what do you think will happen IF YOU FALL?" She says "I was fine last time." Well folks, I guess that sums it up...... I gave her one last GO TO HELL look and walked off.

And yes, SHE IS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND GOT OUT THERE ON FUCKING ROLLER SKATES AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO FALL AT ANY MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do stupid people who don't deserve to be parents achieve it so easily? Just when I was thought I was getting over my bitterness it has reared its ugly head!

Booty, Booze and Broads

The title is a line from my new obsession - watching the old episodes of Dallas! Yes, the Dallas from the 70's with big flowing Texas hair and that snake - JR Ewing.... CMT played the first few episodes a couple of weekends back and I was hooked right away so we've been watching a couple of episodes a night since then. :-) I was surprised how progressive the story lines were...

First of all they have an IF story line!!!! I could not believe what I was watching!!! Sue Ellen and JR have been married for 7 years and cant' get pg.... Their problem is more from him not wanting to perform his marital duties... but still I was blown away by some of hour outbursts.... How on the money they were... Then there's a scene where the old lady of the house suggests that Sue Ellen look into adoption. She's worried nobody will accept a baby that's not a proper Ewing and the old lady says "Any child that comes into this house IS a Ewing." It honestly made me tear up.... Maybe just because I'm PMSing but I can't believe how open they were to adoption back then!!! Of course in true Hollywood fashion, she'll end up prego before the end of the season.... but I was still impressed with how they handled the IF.

Then there's a scene where a pregnant girl is smoking and they scold her. Again I couldn't believe it. Because this was filmed in 78... and in 75 when my mom was pregnant with me she smoked every day of the pregnancy..... Didn't even cut back! And it was perfectly acceptable.

Enough about that... I just couldn't believe how relevant that show could be today!

AF should be here tomorrow or Monday... but I'm ok with it. I've ordered some of the cheapie OPK sticks online and this cycle I am DETERMINED to catch my LH surge if it kills me!! Let the POAS marathon commence!!! :-)

Monday I'm going to make an appt with a new RE. My friend goes to him and she really likes him. I tried to make an appt Friday... I called at 1:38 and of course they closed at 1:30. I'm sure I'll be able to get in sometimes during this cycle. I'm hoping to do my 1st clomid/progesterone cycle in FEb. I guess we'll see what happens...

That's all for now. I hope things are going well for all of you out there.

What a week....

Nothing fertility-related really to report. I had only 2 days of EWCM this week... no ovulation pain or spotting like last month, no positive OPK... so maybe this cycle was a total bust? Or maybe I did O but it wasn't as strong as last month? Who the eff knows anymore.....

Work was pretty awful this week. My 2 bosses just kept piling more and more stuff on me. Thank God T started this week!! Her boss didn't give her much this week so she really helped me out on a HUGE project that I hate! So thank God for that!!!!

Went to the doc and got 800mg ibuprofen for the jaw problem and that helped so much!!! It feels like its going away again. Also got prescription allergy meds and cough drops so I'm actually feeling a lot better now! Thanks for all the well wishes! I hope that's the last I see from the TMJ for a long long time... If it does flare up again, I think I definitely want to try the acupuncture route. Hopefully we won't have to worry about that tho.

Other than that back on track with the diet.... Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and after the week I had I just want to go to Mickey D's and get something hot and greasy.... but I won't since I have to face the scale tomorrow....

Just feeling kind of blah today... I hope everyone can excuse my foul mood.... Hopefully it won't last too much longer....

CD 14

I finally got EWCM... not a lot but a little. No change on the fertility monitor tho.... Still waiting....

I don't know if any of you watch HIMYM but last night's episode hit a little too close to home... For those of you who don't watch the married couple has just started TTC and last night had their first visit with the RE. The husband and wife were both anxious and of course, true to Hollywood style, nothing appears to be wrong... but at the end of the episode the husband's dad dies of a heart attack. Just kick me in my stones, why don't you???? My FIL died this year and we're in the midst of the IF battle too.. All of our tests have come back normal too.... but that doesn't mean much in the land of IF.

The dentist appt has caused a flare-up of my TMJ which was corrected by surgery in 1987. I haven't had a single bout of TMJ since.... but 2 hours of holding my jaw open for the teeth cleaning and here it is again. I'm really pissed about it. I knew there was a reason I dreaded the dentist more than any other!! I'd rather go to 10 appts with the OB/GYN or RE than just 1 appt with the dentist. Guess I was right to be worried about it. I'm sure it'll go down after a few more days, it just sucks that its back for now.

Ringing in the New Year

NYE was fun. We went to Cake Girl's house and had quite a spread of sandwiches and chips and dips! And of course a little bubbly to ring in the new year. :-) New Years Day was pretty good too. Went to my mom's and surprisingly there was no drama. Well, Plain Jane is showing now so I just had to do my best to clench my teeth and be a grown up and swallow down my jealousy and bitterness. Fun times....

Oh yeah, one of my poor pups had a seizure on New Years Day!!! It was terrible. She was sitting on this little stool and fell off and was spasming out of control. It was soooo awful!!! They look so scared when that happens. It breaks my heart! That's the first seizure she's ever had but I've seen Cake Girl's dog have them and its just awful!!!! I just held her until it was over and for about 45 mins after that she was as limp as a dishrag in my lap. Then she had some water and got up and went back to playing. 5150 stayed home with her the rest of the day while I went to my moms to make sure she was ok. Guess we'll be keeping an eye on her and hoping it doesn't happen again. :-(

It was so hard to come back to work today!!!!! Ugh!!!!! I feel out of sorts from all the long weekends in December. A friend I used to work with at another place started at my firm today so that was one thing to look forward to. She's really nice and I hope she likes it here.

Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation... Grrrr!!!!! The last time I got a positive OPK on the Clear Blue monitor I got a high fertility reading by day 12.... and O wasn't until day 17-18... I'm worried its not going to happen at all this month. Blah!!!! Its not looking good.... I haven't even had a drop of stretchy much less EWCM .... Usually I have that by now. I am totally hating my body right now... Why can't it do what its supposed to and just O on time and tell me beforehand so I can get in some well-timed BD'ing?!?!?!?! ARGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO frustrated!!!!!!