Finally!

I finally got a +OPK!! Yay!!! And the EWCM has arrived.... So O time should be this weekend. I like it best when it falls on the weekend so you have more time to get in a little action. ;-) I guess the Clomid is making me O about 2 days earlier than usual. That's better than nothing. And this will be the 1st cycle where I have the progesterone too. I guess we'll see what happens....

Last cycle was very strange. I thought I O'd REALLY early.... then my cycle was only 23-24 days, even shorter than normal, so maybe I didn't O at all last month.... I thought maybe the thyroid pills had made a difference but now that even on the clomid I'm O'ing around day 16 I think last cycle was just a freak of nature where nothing went right. Hopefully this cycle will be somewhat normal.

I found a blog for a book club for IFers - Ladies in Waiting Book Club (still can't figure out how to get a damn link on this blog) and February's book is The Help. I started reading it late but I have to say this book is soooooooooo good!!! It is totally helping to take my mind off of this cycle. I can hardly put it down. Its been forever since I had a book this good. I highly recomment it - but spoiler alert - there is talk of a m/c so if you're sensitive right now maybe it's not a good pick for you. The way the author frames it - I bawled and bawled.... But then I was laughing out loud on other plot lines... I can't say enough about how good this book is!

Today is Go Texan Day so we get to wear jeans to work - the ONLY day of the year we can.... And we're having a chili cooking contest and the office is bringing in BBQ. Combine this with my OPK this morning and its a VERY HAPPY FRIDAY around here!! Hope you ladies are having a good day too!! :-)

Some good news....

Thanks for all the nice comments after my last meltdown! I honestly don't know how I'd get through this if I didn't have you ladies to share with. I feel like a terrible person being so jealous of other people who can get knocked up without thinking about it.... But I feel like if anyone would understand you guys would.... So thanks for listening!!!

I got on a tangent yesterday and forgot to finish my thoughts on White Trash... how she spent about a month in jail for drugs and got put on probation which she totally violates because she can't be bothered to go to AA classes or drug counseling classes.... So there's a definite chance that her stupid ass will get thrown in the slammer AGAIN and that's where my niece or nephew will be born... Real nice.... I doubt she's clean and sober at this point.... especially knowing my brother's preferred profession.... but she just found out she's pg and I like to hope however that she'll take THIS pregnancy seriously and maybe stay off drugs and have a healthy baby.... Not sure what the odds are that that will actually happen.... but that's what I"m going to hope for.

And I realized last night that there are going to be not 1 but 2 newborns at my mom's at the holidays. Ugh! I'm seriously dreading it already.... unless of course I manage to get knocked up myself... That will be the only way I will be able to get through it.

On to good news tho... Today my clear blue monitor showed medium fertility!!! Yay!!! That means my estrogen has surged and the LH surge should show up in the next day or 2!!! Hooray!!!! Maybe between the clomid and thyroid being straightened out I can start ovulating early like a real girl!! hehe

I was a little bit worried about how we were going to accomplish BDing with my knee the way it is.... But don't worry, we worked it out this weekend. ;-) hehe So come on ovulation!!!! I'm ready!!!!

Really?? REALLY?!?!??!

i'm warning you now, plenty of colorful language ahead... I'll understand if you don't want to continue....

So here I am on the verge of a meltdown again.... I heard today from my mom that my youngest bro's girlfried is pg. At the risk of revealing what white trash my roots are I'll divulge the details anyways. So my youngest bro is basically your everyday thug. Most of any work he's ever done has been in the linE of dr. feelgood..... In and out of jail and of course he always gets a slap on the wrist.... And for some reason he always acts shocked when he gets picked up again..... So he's been with White Trash (yes, that is how she will be known from here on out) for awhile... moved her in with him at my mom's house (yes its a trailer) and they're always off again, on again... And now for some reason God has decided that the 2 people who deserve most to procreate are these 2 fucking idiots who don't work, don't contribute to society.... Never mind the fact that she lost custody of her 1st kid.... and she has had made no effort to get that child back.... and I just found out today of course she terminated her last pregnancy with my bro... I guess she can't be bothered to take a fucking bcp....

I know I sound cold and condescending... but I don't have that much in common with my family... I chose to go to work at a young age and live my life a certain way, you know, being a good member of society, paying taxes, buying ahouse... just a boring life to some, but perfect for me..... So how is it that God rewards these effing assholes with child after child and I can't get one to save my life!!!!! I just don't understand. Why why why??????? Did I mention that all of my bros are atheists... they've probably never said a prayer in their life much less daily for the last how many years for the possiblity to have a baby?

And all this on the tail end of my clomid round where I'm already an emotional mess.....God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clomid, oh clomid....

My 1st round of clomid is over. Whew! That shit made me such a b*tch!!! Every other word out of my hubby's mouth set me off. I had to tell him look, its just the pills... He was like how long do you have to take them?????? hehe He felt better after I told him only 5 days. I don't know how clomid helps with baby-making... when ur constantly at each other's throats how does any action happen??? Guess it works since you don't have to be all over each other until a few days after taking the pills. Hopefully that's enough time to get back to my normal lovable self!! ;-)

I feel like there's something going on in the ovaries tho.... I've got some little twinges and pings happening in there.... I'm going to hope that's the clomid working and NOT the clomid giving me another freaking cyst. Surely I'll be ok on the lowest dose, right?

The ol' knee injury is A LOT better I'm happy to report. However it does still go out. Yesterday I was standing on my weak leg with my other leg up so I could put lotion on my other leg and it gave out. Fortunately I was able to grab the counter and the wall before I hit the ground completely. Apparently my knee can now go in a third direction and that's 90 degress straight out to the side. That's no good!!! But I'm going to try one of those over-the-counter braces and I'm sure that will help.

What else has been going on.... work is sooooo stressful right now!!! My boss has a HUGE project that will be over in 2 weeks so she's freaking out every day... and u know sh*t rolls downhill... so I have been soooooo stressed. To the point of anxiety attacks. That definitely wasn't helping the round of clomid. Guess I have to put on my big girl panties and talk to the office manager about a situation that's adding a lot of work to my plate that is totally killing me. I had to work late 2 days this week because of it. And OT is frowned upon so they're going to wonder why I'm having to stay late. But Ihave a feeling there's going to be ugly residue when it gets back to the bosses..... Oh well, after that it should get better.

About how many days after the last clomid are you supposed to O? I totally forgot to order more internet cheapie OPK's so I think I'll try those digital ones. Haven't tried those yet. And I don't want to waste this cycle or not know if our timing was good...

I think I might go to an adoption seminar that's coming up in March. I'm totally terrified at even facing this option, but I have just had a sense lately that this isn't going to work. I don't know if its the clomid, or just hopelessness, or maybe just because I NEVER get pg, I don't think I ever will.... And since we're not getting any younger here, I guess I better look at all my options..... I am totally terrified tho....

On to clomid...

I talked to the nurse on Mon about AF coming while on progesterone and she didn't freak out at all. I don't know why I freaked out like I did. Chalk it up to being hormonal I guess. I don't know how I'll get through a cycle with the big drugs if a little ol' 200 mg of progesterone gave me hysterics! hehe Anyways, the nurse didn't act like it was something she never heard of. She talked to the doc and called me back. Turns out I was supposed to stop taking the progesterone when my flow started but she said it wouldn't have any adverse effect on the next cycle. So now I know what to do if it happens again. She said we'll try this dosage of progesterone for one more cycle to see how I react after taking clomid in the same cycle. If it happens again, we'll re-evaluate next month. I'm ok with that. The plan was to try clomid for only 2 months then move onto injectibles if that doesn't work. I like this doctor so much more than my last. The nurse was sympathetic and listened, checked with the doc, called me back pretty quickly and really put my mind at ease.

So Sunday was the last progesterone and Mon I started the clomid. I'm only on 50 mg so no adverse effects yet. Except maybe a couple of hot flashes. Nothing I can't handle. :-) Come on O time!!!

The knee is definitely still not right. I wish I just would have gone to the ER the night it happened. I feel like I'm just being a drama queen if I go now after a week. I'm so mad at myself for going skating and messing my knee up. My nephew's bday party is this weekend and he's going to have a moonwalk thingie and now I won't be able to get in it with them!! That's a bummer! Hmph!

Don't laugh but I ordered a Tony Little Gazelle this week! I HATE my treadmill. All the reviews I've read on the gazelle have been good. Its a good machine for a beginning exerciser. And its low impact which I can hopefully use with my bum knee. I'm hoping I can use it a few times a week and feel a little healthier and maybe even drop a few lbs.... Of course, this isn't my first rodeo... I'll let u ladies know how it works out. :-)

Calm again

So my PMS or progesterone induced rage is over. I was so much fun to be around yesterday. My poor hubby... :-)

I went to the pharmacy and ordered my clomid so I can take that this week and I thought, oh I can ask the pharmacist about whether I'm supposed to keep taking the progesterone.... So it was a lady behind the counter and I asked her and she said she had no idea. She said she herself has gone through IF treatments.... and she still had no idea. So I'm guessing it must not be that common. I'll still just take 1 tonight until I can talk to the nurse tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she's going to say to stop because Mon I'm supposed to start clomid and that doesn't sound right that I would be taking clomid and progesterone at the same time. I've NEVER read that on any blogs. I read through a bunch of blogs yesterday looking for answers and I found some women that have had to take 2 x 200 mg progesterone daily in the luteal phase so maybe that will be the answer. Always, awhile back I spoke to a fellow blogster with hashimotos and she said in order for her to get pg and stay pg she had to be on a ton of progesterone. So maybe thats common with the hashimotos. Maybe there's nothing for me to be hysterical about after all. Information I could have used yesterday!!! hehe

I'll let everyone know what the doc's answer is tomorrow.

Oh question for all of you who have taken progesterone... Are your cramps worse the months you take it? This month they were pretty bad and I've been almost pain free since my lap last summer. This month I had cramps in my abdomen as well as in my back and the only other time I had that was when I did have the endo. Usually I'm just a back pain kind of girl. The doc told me at the last visit that if I can't get knocked up by July (14 mos after lap) then he suggests I redo it because a lot of times it grows back. So now I'm wondering if its back since that's the only other time I had that kind of cramping. Its nowhere near as bad as it was when I had the surgery tho. And BD'ing is starting to be painful on occasion. So there's that......

Also, I've officially hung up my rollers skates for good. Last Thurs night I went with my mom again. (Don't worry, I already had a BFN so I knew I didn't have to worry about that.) And I lost my balance and had a really really bad fall. My body came down straight but my right leg went straight out at a 90 degree angle and I heard the POP! I was terrified. I really thought I broke something. Some people had to take off my skates and help me off the floor. The rest of the night and the next day it was killing me. Of course I ran to Dr. Google. ;-) Basically if you hear that POP you've torn a ligament. Because that's just what I need. All day Friday when I walked my foot was turned out, they werent' even paralel when I walk any more!!! Then when I got home Fri night I was hobbling up the stairs and my knee clicked and I felt something shift. After that the swelling went down and the pain got a lot better and my foot went back to its normal position. So I guess I had something twisted or dislocated... but I've learned my lesson. I'm done roller skating. I guess there go my dreams of being a roller derby girl....

WTF?!?!?

So how do you like this - AF showed up last night... in the middle of my round of progresterone!!!! Which gives me a cycle of ONLY 23 days!!! Which means progesterone actually fucking shortened my cycle!!!! WTF?!?!?! Has anyone ever heard of this? Everything I've read says you're not supposed to bleed until 1-3 days after stopping the progesterone.... Not me tho... I'm so broken I can't even do that right.... The doctor told me to continue taking it until CD 28 which I never saw. So now what am I supposed to do? Take it until what would have been CD 28? Or stop taking it? Of course this happens at 10 last night so its not like I can call the doc's office and ask the nurse. I'm sure they didn't give me any alternative instructions because who does this??? Who gets a shorter cycle on progesterone?????

I'm so pissed right now I can barely type. Just pissed at my stupid body for not reacting properly to the drug that everyone else can get the expected results on. I just wanted to have a 14 day luteal phase for once and see what happened. Even with ovulating super early on CD 12... I got an 11 day LP. That's better than 10 days like usual and maybe its sufficient for a pg to implant but maybe not. I caved and tested Thurs and Fri and obviously they were negative. So I guess what's the point about worrying if my LP is long enough to support a pg when there must not have been 1 to start with.

I'm just so over all this IF stuff. I guess I'll just keep taking the progesterone. What's the worst that could happen? Fuck it.

UPDATED:

I'm starting to calm down again. Whew! Maybe I need to increase my dosage? Of course I started googling it since I can't talk to the nurse until Monday. But it looks like there's a 300mg dose available so there must be other people who need more. Is AF coming early how you would know if you needed more? Well I guess my questions will have to wait until Mon when I can talk to the nurse. I'll still take my dose tonight and tomorrow in case that's what the doc wants me to do. I'll find out Mon for sure.

Can anyone say mood swings from hell between this stuff and regular PMS???? ;-)

CD 22

Nothing new to report really. I was so tempted to POAS this morning. I should be at 10 dpo.... But at the last minute I chickened out. I don't know why I'm even thinking I should. I never test... But last month I started feeling like my cycles were shaping up... Last month was 28 days instead of 25-26... I ovulated much earlier and now I'm taking my progesterone... And the timing of the BDing couldn't have been any better... I'm still afraid to get my hopes up tho. And if I take a test than that means that I must really have a lot of hope and I don't want to admit that because then I'll be really crushed when it comes up negative as usual.... And I'm sure it will be negative... No symptoms imaginary or real... No implantation cramps or twinges... No sore boobs.. Nothing.... Blah!

I've taken the progesterone for over a week now and so far I'm lucky that I haven't had any side effects. No sore boobs or anything. Not that I WANT sore boobs... I just like there to be a side effect so I feel like its working. How's that for twisted! ;-) I take that back, I was eating everything in sight and feeling pretty hormonal for a few days. I didn't realize progesterone would do that to me until somebody else posted it on her blog. Duh! I should have recognized that's what it was from. But now I feel pretty much back to normal.

That's all that's going on over here in crazy town.... Just trying to survive this stupid 2ww so I can start my first clomid cycle...

Random musings....

Snow Day is over. We ended up getting ZERO snow! :-) We did get freezing rain that caused all the freeways to shut down so its a good thing work was already called off. Even the entire Park-n-Ride bus system was totally shut down.... and they never shut down!

This is pretty random but I had to run to the pharmacy yesterday to get those pills you take when you think you're coming down with a bladder infection... I haven't been to that aisle forever so I was looking at all the other *interesting* products they have and I saw a box of deadorant vaginal suppositories... What the hell?!?! And it had some corny name like Island Mist..... People actually use this???? Of course from the perspective of someone who has researched every aspect of female biology and fertility the first thought I had was isn't that bad for the vaginal environment? I can't believe the crazy products they come up with that people will actually use... Who wants their hooha to smell like an island anyways? ;-)

Thanks for all the comments about acupuncture! I don't feel so bad knowing they try to force those herbs on everyone. And I think I will try another facility when I decide to start back up. I'm definitely not put off forever.... but I'm going to have to do more research to find a better facility I think.

CD 18 now I think. I've been taking the progesterone for the last few days and so far I'm not feelig anything different. That's better tha crazy hormonal side effects I guess....

I've been doing a lot of research on late ovulation and things of that nature. And I really think it was my thyroid that was causing all these problems. There's a direct link betweeen being hypothyroid and late ovulation/short luteal phase. Even if its just borderline which mine was. But I've noticed since Dr Z added the T3 that my cycles are remarkably different. I only bleed now for 3 days.... and its a lot lighter. So obviously its affecting my cycles. I think thats why maybe I ovulated earlier this month. If you have a 26 day cycle, you're supposed to O on day 12 like I did this month. Very encouraging to me!!! I'm not going to get too excited yet tho.

Snow Day!!

We're expecting a winter storm tonight. The city is hunkering down and we finally got word at the end of the day that we don't have to go in tomorrow! Yay!!!! A free day off! Now let me tell you that we're only expecting 1-3 inches of snow!!! HAHAHAHAHA Yes, just 3... What can I say down in the South people FREAK out if there's even a chance of snow. I'm sure all you girls from the North are rolling your eyes at us, but hey, I'll take a free day off any day! :-)

I definitely ovulated so I started the progesterone last night. I didn't really feel any side effects. But I had the best sleep I'd had in a long time. I've heard it makes you sleepy so if that's why I slept so good then I can't wait to keep taking these pills!

One interesting thing... Before I picked up my prescription, I checked the balance of my health savings account and saw it had $116. I know there's a $5 monthly fee so when I got to the window I said a silent prayer. I prayed please let this prescription be $111 or less... Otherwise I have to pay out of pocket. I would have done that, but might as well use the tax free money from the other account, right? The pharmacist comes to the window and says "do you know how much this prescription is?" They always say that if the prescription is over $100 so I thought ohh Lord..... She says $111.07!!! Its probably stupid, but I was tickled pink!!! It was the exact amount I was praying it would be. :-) Maybe it's a sign? I know the odds are slim, but I'll take any scrap I can cling to at this point.

I did my first acupuncture session this past weekend. It was ok. The guy said that according to chinese medicine, I have a deficiency. That's evidenced by the thyroid problems and my inability to get pregnant. The appt was supposed to be $54 with my insurance discount. Then I get to the counter and he gives me 2 little bags of pills.... Just a few days worth and its $126!!!! Arrgghhh!!! I should have told me I didn't want the herbs and I'm mad at myself for paying it. I only took 1 dose. I'm kinda scared to take them because I don't know whats in them and I don't want them to screw up my thyroid..... He told me to come back Tuesday but I ended up canceling that appt. Its not something I can afford right now if that's how much its going to be!!!

The acupuncture itself was not too bad. It didn't hurt or anything which surprised me. But the part where they turn on the heat lamp, turn off the lights and tell you to relax didn't help. I couldn't stop my thoughts from racing.... I was thinking is this going to work, is it going to make a difference, did I remember to pay this bill or do that.... I would tell myself I needed to relax and could for a couple of minutes but not much of the time at all. I guess thats something you get better at with time?

By the way, Greys is on in the background... Callie just had an u/s and she's only 6 weeks along.... Of course they couldn't find the heartbeat at first so they switched to a higher resolution machine and of course there it was.... And the picture that popped up I swear to God is from a u/s that's at at least 12 weeks.... Not that I would know because I haven't been that far but I've seen others. Usually a 6-8 week u/s is a grain of rice... Thats why I quit watching this show.... so lame to me!

I think thats all for now.... I better go get ready for my 3 inches of snow! :-)