Update

Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!! I was going to go visit my brother yesterday but I called when I was headed up there and they had just taken him downstairs for a spinal tap and a MRI. So I told Plain Jane I'd come up there tonight. The good news is he's not in any pain. I guess all the docs are leaning to the Gillian-Barre but we won't get the test results back until today. If that's what it is he'll have to be in the hosp for probably another 5 days so they can give him his treatments via IV. Basically it started Sat that his feet felt numb - like they went to sleep but without the pins and needles. Between Sat and Tues its gotten worse and now the numbness is up to the top of his knee. So its hard to walk, his feet kinda drag. I guess they're kinda like dead weight? The longer you wait to get treatment, the farther up it goes. He can make a full recovery, but he might have some weakness afterwards. Its an autoimmune neuropathy so he could get episodes periodically. Apparently you usually get an episode after getting over any kind of viral infection. And sure enough, he was sick about 3 weeks ago. So this is all what I've gotten online and from Plain Jane's mom who is a RN. I'm eager to hear what the actual doc says about it when we get the results back today. Apparently, the docs at the hospital he's at said they haven't seen a case in about 20 years. So maybe its really rare? Guess autoimmune stuff is definitely strong in our family. He has this, I have Hashis and at least 1 cousin has Crohns - all autoimmune. I'll post an update when we hear back from the doc and after I visit him tonight. My mom said he's in good spirits, just antsy to get out of there. But he's probably got another week in there. I know he's going to hate hearing that! If anyone knows anyone who's had this, I'd love to hear about it.

My poor brother

I just got a call from my mom. My brother's in the hospital. He's the one married to Plain Jane. Apparently his feet went numb this morning and it started traveling up his legs. He's an outdoor kind of guy. So they're testing him for Lyme Disease and Guillain-Barre Syndrome. The Lyme Disease comes from ticks and he went hunting a few weeks ago. But this other one - GBS - sounds really nasty. They don't know why someone gets it, its autoimmune. And you could be in the hospital for weeks. For now they're running the tests and have him on antibiotics just in case. Probably won't get the test results until tomorrow. I hope they figure it out soon and get it under control!!!!

Still waiting....

Almost halfway through the 2ww, nothing to report really. Of course that makes me think this isn't the month. Guess we'll find out in a week. I'm definitely feeling better on the zoloft!!!! Maybe its just placebo effect since I've been on it less than a week. But I feel like I'm less negative right now. I haven't gotten mad every time I see a celebrity has a BFP. I don't get all weepy every time I'm alone with my thoughts. I know its little things, but its progress for sure. I got a nook last year and I finally figured out how to access free books from the public library. Its awesome!!!! I put a ton of books on my wish list. Some titles I was looking for weren't available as an ebook yet, but there are lots I'm interested in. Even a couple on IF and hypothyroid stuff. Woo! I'm a huge nerd and I love reading!!! Free books was one of the main reasons I wanted to get the nook in the first place. Other than that, not much is going on. Tick tock....

A good laugh for today

Someone sent me this link today. Even though I was at work I died laughing!!!! Maybe its just me....

http://www.iambetterthanyourkids.com

Hope it makes somebody else out there laugh too.

Problem solved!

So I just got back from the doc. This lady - I'll call her Brandy - is soooooo freaking nice! I wish all docs were like her. So she put me on Zoloft which is safe for TTC. I'll go back in 1 month to see how I feel. She didn't put me on anything long-term for the anxiety yet because like she pointed out, my anxiety attacks could be a manifestation of the depression. So she gave me ativan that you can take if you're actually having an anxiety attack. Obviously not once you get a BFP tho. :-) Its weird, when you struggle with anxiety, sometimes just knowing you have the option of taking something it quiets the anxiety a little. And not having a doctor totally dismiss everything you're saying like the Kelsey doc did in September helps. That bitch told me she couldn't see why I would be depressed about IF?!?!? Idiot!!!!!

Brandy also changed my BP medicine. I'm on a very small dose, but that Kelsey doc put me on one you can't take if you're TTC!!!! I told the Kelsey doc I was trying and working with an RE. And I specifically asked if that one was ok and she said we'll look into it IF I get pg. I guess she didn't believe I can get knocked up either. Hmph! Brandy told me today that if you take that one, it can prevent the baby's kidneys from developing!!!!! Arrgghhh!!!! That would have really been a terrible situation. Maybe there's a reason I haven't had my BFP yet after all...... God's waiting until all my meds are correct. :-) If only it were that simple....

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. When I got home last night I was having terrible ovulation pains, and then *poof* all gone.... Today nothing, no EWCM and no ovulation pains. Which would explain why the digital OPKs didn't work... I took it too late for the LH surge to trigger a positive.... I'm such an idiot sometimes!! hehe Of course I don't know why it triggered the other??? Maybe 1 is more sensitive???? *shrugs* Whatever, all that matter is we got in BDing on Wed and Thurs and probably tonight so my bases are covered.

I hope everybody has a nice weekend!

Some good news!

I'm sure I sound totally wacky right now.... Stupid clomid!!! Thanks to everyone who let me know that clomid messed with their emotions too!!!!

So on the way home last night I stopped at a pharmacy and got the Clear Blue OPKs.... the digital ones with the smiley face. I thought - Ha! I'll show you CBEFM!!!!! So tested last night and it was negative. This morning I took both OPKs... and the CBEFM gave me my LH surge and the digital one did not!!!!! WTF!?!???! I guess today since the CBEFM gave me the news I wanted to hear, that's the one I'm going to believe! HAHAHAHA Whatever, I'm just happy I finally got a positive on one of these damn sticks and it coincided with the EWCM I got yesterday. So we BD'd last night and I plan on making sure we cover the next few days.... Theoretically it only takes one good timed BD right???? ;-) Swim, little swimmers, Swim!!!

On to my mental health.... I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor to get something for depression and possibly something for anxiety. I feel terrible even admitting that to you guys. Here I bitch about White Trash taking stuff and I'm considering taking antidepressants. I realize there's a big difference between being a drug addict and fighting depression and from what I've read Zoloft is safe for TTC, but I still feel bad about it. I just can't take it anymore tho. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but every day something makes me cry. And its been like this for awhile, for months so this I can't blame on the clomid. I can feel it just beneath the surface at all times and I can't take it anymore. I really have to get control of this and sooner rather than later.

I've been pretty sure I have general anxiety disorder for awhile now. My mom was diagnosed with it a few years back and her therapist told her that her kids should be tested for it. I can usually keep the anxiety monster at bay. However in this IF struggle it has gotten out of control. I have minor anxiety attacks even before something fun like meeting friends for lunch. And I started the loom knitting thinking that would relax me but it flares up when I start a new project or am shopping for yarn. Seriously?!??! Who gets anxiety over shopping for yarn???? I realize how crazy I sound and it only makes me feel crazier for actually admitting it to someone else but I have come to the realization that something has to be done so I can get this under control. Even if by some miracle an egg got fertilized, I don't know if it could implant when my body is always in panic mode like this.

So tomorrow morning I have a doc appt which means I have to put my big girl panties on and tell the doctor that I'm not coping too well here. Fun times this IF journey is full of....

Don't worry, I'll talk to the RE before we do any further treatments to make sure he's ok with me being on Zoloft. I wouldn't do anything that goes against his better judgment. But I really need some help holding it together.

Thanks for listening! It makes it so much easier to get through this knowing you guys are out there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Frustrated

Does anyone out there have any luck with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM)? I'm on CD 12 and it hasn't even given me the high fertility sign yet. Typically it gives you high fertility for 4 - 5 days when your estrogen surges then peak fertility when you LH surges. Last month I got my high fertiity sign around CD 10. And I ovulated around day 14-15. Warning - TMI ahead - just now when I went to the restroom I had A TON of EWCM. And my cervix is open, so I know I'm getting to my fertile days. But why won't that stupid monitor act right???? It makes me so freaking mad I want to throw it into the wall. Guess I'll stop on the way home tonight and get the digital OPKs so I can have a backup in place.

I think clomid makes me feel hopeless. I hope its the clomid anyways..... I just feel like nothing's going to work. I feel terrible complaining about being hopeless when I know there are so many fellow IFers who have already gone through multiple IUIs or IVFs and still have the strength to march on.... Yesterday I googled clomid and hopelessness because I read it on another blog and there were some hits. It can exacerbate depression so that causes the hopelessness I guess. Isn't that a wonderful side effect? Hmph. And here I was so proud of me for not getting the rage I got last month. I think I'd rather have the rage than the hopelessness... Hubby probably wouldn't agree. hehe

I'm just rambling here without going in any direction. That's how blah I feel. I can't even come up with a point to my post.

I've been thinking this week maybe I need to go to the family doc to see about antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety. I can't stand being blue all the time. My husband can see it and has commented on it. I get severe anxiety just thinking about it. I've had docs minimize it before and then you just feel stupid. Plus I'm one of those people that hates having to ask for help. So it takes a lot for me to be able to work up to making an appt and explaining to the doc what I need.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer today. That's all i got for now tho...

A new project!

Thanks for all the comments about the hat I knitted!!!! So here's my stab at a dog sweater, being modeled by a friend's beagle puppy (we'll call her T). Mind you I was trying to make this for my fat little chihuahua so the sizing isn't perfect.

Pretty good for my first try, right???? The only thing I totally screwed up was the hem at the bottom of the sweater, which you can't see. But when I took it off the loom, I used the wrong stitch, so instead of it being stretchy, it doesn't have any give. Because of that snafu, there's no way it's going over Fat Lulu's head!!! hehe I don't know how I did that... Definitely something to figure out for the next time. But it was super easy and only took a few hours.

I'll try to post some pics of the loom knitting process this weekend. I'm serious when I say its the easiest craft I've ever taken up!!!! If you can hold a loom and wrap a yarn around all the pegs, you can loom knit!!!! T got one for herself after I showed her mine and she already made a hat on her own too!!!!

As far as the cycle goes, there's not too much going on right now.... Tonight is the last dose of clomid.... This time was A LOT better. I haven't been a bitch at all, if you ask me. hehe Last time I was filled with rage! This time, eh, not so much.... I should O somewhere around next weekend. Here goes nothing....

I've been thinking about what I want to do after this cycle. I know at my initial visit with this doc he said I'd do 2 clomid cycles, if that doesn't work do 2 cycles with the clomid, monitored and with a trigger shot. That's considered a timed intercourse cycle, right? If those 2 don't work, then IUI. But what is the difference stats-wise between a timed intercourse cycle and an IUI? If the IUI is a lot better, I'd rather just go for that. Does anyone have any information on the success rates?

Not too much going on this weekend. An excellent lunch at a Mexican restaurant with 2 friends tomorrow. Yum!!! I can't wait! The rest of the weekend is up in the air.

My latest project

So what do I do when I'm not wallowing in self-pity around here? I've started loom knitting!!!! Its sooo fun. Almost addictive! I know how nerdy that sounds.... but look at this hat I made in 2-3 hours!!! Its adult-sized and yes its pink like cotton candy and FUZZY!!!!! It makes me squeal just to look at it! hehe







I'm trying to figure out a way to make a hat for the dogs. I made a dog sweater.... but finished it wrong and its not stretchy at all so I'll have to keep working on it. I'll post a pic when I get one right.

Its definitely a nice distraction.... :-)

The bitch is back

Yes, AF showed 1st thing this morning. Cramps woke me up so I knew she was here. Oh well, I knew she was on her way since I already had a BFN this week. I might have to start doing that every cycle. Its better when I find out on my own terms than when I build up hope and she surprises me. So I actually had a 28 day cycle. Wow! That's so much better than a 23-24 day cycle... I'll be starting my clomid on Monday then. I hope I'm not a bitch to Kid Rock! hehe

Now I'm off to shop for CakeGirl's bday present. We're going to Saltgrass for her bday dinner tonight. Yay! One of my favorite restaurants, definitely my favorite steak place! After I load my self up with some ibuprofen here in a few minutes, that is. :-)

The weather is beautiful here!!! I hope you guys are having a great weekend too!!!

TGIF!

So I've calmed down again. I was kind of a mess last night... but today I'm ok again. Looks me and my mother are going to have to go back to the policy of she doesn't bring up White Trash or Plain Jane unless I ask. Its better that way.

Thank you so much for your comments!!!!!! I don't know if you realize how great it feels to have someone "get" you.... I beat myself up for being a terrible person for having so much jealousy and bitterness.... but after hearing you ladies say you'd be pissed too... I feel like I can give myself permission to just feel what I feel. Seriously, your support means everything to me!!!!!! :-)

AF still isn't here. I think the clomid and the progesterone is working in that I'll get at minimum a 28 day cycle!!! I haven't had that in years. If AF doesn't come until 2 days after I quit taking it I will flip out!!! A 30 day cycle?!?!?!?! I know its been at least 10 years since I've had a 30 day cycle. Finally my body seems to be reacting like its supposed to. Maybe I will be able to maintain a pg one of these days if I can have normal cycles and normal luteal phases! Every month when my cycles get shorter and shorter I just become that much more hopeless.... It just seems so impossible to get pg when your cycles are only 24 days long and you ovulate WAY late... Not a good combo at all.

So I'm trying to drum up some hope around here... Not for this cycle. I've tested, it was negative, its fine. I'm not getting my hopes up again this cycle. But for the cycles down the road... Maybe I can have a "normal" luteal phase... Just maybe I can be a "normal" girl and have a shot at a BFP one day....

Stay tuned, I'm sure more drama is on the way..... hehehehe

Hope everyone is doing well out there. :-)

White Trash's update

So she had her "free" u/s yesterday. Turns out she's 25 effing weeks along!!!! And just had her 1st appt! Dumbass!!!!!! Baby was turned the wrong way so they couldn't tell gender or if it has the cleft lip issues.

So basically her and Plain Jane got pg within 1 week of each other!!!! One is due June 25 and one is July 1. Isn't that kick-me-in-the-groin, spit-in-my-face fantastic??????

The irony is when my mom knew me and Coach Girl started trying 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO... she joked that we would probably get pregnant at the same time and how would she be able to afford 2 baby showers.... The reality is all 3 of my other SIL's managed to get pg and STAY pg in that time... with me and CoachGirl not getting as much as one fucking BFP in that time..... Aint life grand......

Yes, I'm just hanging on by a thread here.....

Some good news...

My mom just called. Plain Jane had a 3-d ultrasound today and her baby doesn't have a cleft lip!! Yay!!!!!! We thought for sure he would because their 1st baby had one. There's still a chance the baby has a cleft pallette, you can't tell that for sure on an u/s. But if he does, that's only 1 surgery which is much better than surgeries every other year! I'm very happy for them! :-) I know she was sad or disappointed she couldn't nurse Z, so this time she can at least try.

Still no word on White Trash's doc appt....

The wait is over....

So I caved and tested today....BFN.... What a shocker, right? NOT! AF should arrive tomorrow but I wanted to beat her to it. I hate hate hate how depressed I can get when she shows without warning... I figured it would be better to just test and get it over with then try to hold out hope a few more days just to be that much more devastated when she shows. HMPH! Have to do 1 more clomid cycle then the doc said he'd do a cycle with a trigger shot.... So there's that to look forward to I guess.

I guess the silver lining here is I can drink at the Kid Rock concert now.... Of course we all know what a lousy second prize that is.... I would have been thrilled to not be able to drink because i was finally finally finally knocked up!!!!! Oh well......

So tomorrow AF will probably show up and tomorrow is White Trash's 1 ultrasound and I'm sure my mother will call to tell me about it and I'll have to cry oceans upon oceans.... By the way, just found out this week, White Trash is actually 5 months along!!!!!!! And this is her 1st fucking OB appt.... Actually, I don't know if its an OB appt.... She told my mom and brother she finally found somewhere she could get a free ultrasound.... PRenatal care? Not to be concerned about if you're White Trash apparently... And my hopes that maybe by the grace of God, she'd straighten up because of the pregnancy - Guess that wasn't the case since she's already about in her last trimester and still doing what she shouldn't be doing. So yeah, this is going to be an oh-so-fun week.

Why is God punishing me?

Tick tock....

Still in the middle of the 2ww.... I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately. Maybe its hormonal side effects from the progesterone. I'm just so freaking weepy. And while for the last 2 weeks since I found out about White Trash getting pg, I have been angry.... The last few days I have felt such immense sadness. At Christmas at my mom's there will be not 1 but 2 newborns..... and I am so sad about it. I am so tired of everyone being able to move forward but me. I'm tired of being left behind. If I don't get pg by then, I really don't know how I'm going to get through these holidays... Yes, i'm already worried about it even though its only March.

Does anyone else feel like progesterone makes them an airhead? I swear I am so dingy right now.... I usually have my fair share of blonde moments but I noticed the same thing last month.... the 7-10 days I take progesterone its like my head is not even screwed on straight..... I'm not sure what that's all about.....

I'm hoping work will go back to normal now that my boss's big project is over. Thank God I survived..... I had a few full blown panic atticks... but hopefully things will calm down again.

One good thing that happend this week... My office manager came in and asked if I wanted to go to a concert on March 14. The firm had extra tickets. So 4 of us will go, including my best friend at work!!!! And its KID ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! I have always wanted to see him!!!! I'm sooooo freaking excited!!!! We get to leave work early, the car service will pick us up from work and take us to the concert and bring us back when its over. We get to leave early cause we're going to eat first and go shopping!!! I'm totally pscyhed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be the best work day ever!!! :-)

2ww

So now we're in the beginning of the dreaded 2ww.... This weekend I O'd according to the OPK... but is there a way to narrow it down to a specific day? The OPK detects the LH surge... which means the O is coming in 24-36 hours, right? Like if I can pinpoint the 4 hour window when my EWCM disappeared.... is that the 4 hour window that the egg is released or is there no way to tell? Just wondering. I'm supposed to start taking progesterone 3 days after O'ing. I know I had the + OPK Fri and Sat... and the EWCM disappeared Sat afternoon.... So I'll be starting the progesterone tonight or tomorrow night. We got in some timely BD'ing... :-) My fingers and toes are crossed!

Work has been HELL lately. My boss organizes an annual conference for about 200 people in March so Feb is always a madhouse!!! I'llbe so glad when the conference is over!

I talked to my mother the other day... I shouldn't have, but I asked if White Trash is still using... Of course she is... She's on prescription pills that she's getting illegally. I don't know what kind of withdrawals this can cause a newborn, but it can't be good. Apparently its a bone of contention with her and my bro. Thank God somebody is thinking of the baby!!! He tells her not to, she does anyways. Apparently she told him "you look at me like I disgust you".... his answer was "you do." Nice....this is going to be a great environment to bring a baby in.... And yes she's still on some sort of "bond probation". Not sure how that's different that regular probation... but if she fails a UA she'll be back in the slammer.... So my niece or nephew could be born not only in jail but drug addicted?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?! It doesn't get any more white trash than that.... Hmph.

On top of all that, cleft lips/pallets run in the family. My brothers are actually my half-brothers (same mom, different dad) and my stepdad and 1 of my brothers had full clefts... But even my brother that didn't have a cleft lip had a son who did. This baby (and Plain Jane's) have a higher than 75% chance of being born with a full cleft lip/pallet.... That doesn't upset me or my mom or brothers since we grew up seeing the special equipment and the frequent surgeries.... Honestly, its very hard on their wives that are coming into this without knowing all of the medical stuff they're going to have to go through. I mean, that's the worst part, is its just heart breaking to see a 6 month old or 18 month old have major surgery and be in pain afterwards and not be able to help them understand why. Seriously, its challenging enough, just learning to feed the poor baby, there's a special bottle with this weird contraption that half the time the hospital doesn't even have if they don't know the baby has a cleft lip before hand and so the baby is crying, but you can't feed them until you get that damn bottle.... Its really hard ... And of course she'll be on Medicaid so its not like she'll be able to go to a nice hospital that specializes in high risk infants... And the possibility that the baby will be born drug addicted just breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces!!!! Its a whole can of worms... will the baby get taken away if the hospital calls CPS? Or will my mom and brother be able to take him home if she's locked up?

And these are the people who can breed like rabbits!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!