Feeling discouraged

I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'm just feeling very discouraged right now. After this last cycle I am 100% positive that the endo is back. I'm having the same pains - pain during sex, pain during BM's - the only thing I'm missing is having my cramps start a week ahead of AF's arrival. I'm sure its just a matter of time before it gets to that point again tho.

I keep thinking maybe its just time to get off this IF merry-go-round and find something else to do with my life. I brought this up to DH over the weekend, and he says I'm just being a Negative Nelly and it will happen. I just don't believe that anymore. I can't tell if I'm feeling hopeless just because of PMS, or maybe my depression is getting worse or if I'm really done with all this.

I had money set aside to try an IUI but wouldn't you know it, the freaking A/C broke 2 weekends ago and the big tv this weekend!!! That's about $750 total, everything I had set aside. I was glad I had it tho. ITs already over 100 degrees where I live, so living without AC is not an option!!!!!!!! I'm just your average middle-class girl, living paycheck to paycheck. We get by just fine, I never have to go without, but everytime I get money for treatments, something else goes wrong and takes it away. Just makes me wonder.... Maybe fertitily treatments aren't in the cards... I think someone's trying to tell me, but I just don't want to listen.

I feel like there aren't a lot of people I can turn to IRL. Everyone I know has been able to get a BFP and have their happy ending, whether they were trying to or not. So its natural that they assume that it can happen for everyone. I don't believe that anymore. There's no guarantee, lets face it. And if history is any indication of how fertile I am, well it just doesn't look too good for me. I feel isolated and when I feel like this, I withdraw even more inside myself. I just don't know what to do now.

Yesterday in the mail I got an invite to White Trash's shower. I emailed my mom I"m not going, but I'll give her a gift to take with her. CoachGirl will probably go with my mom. She said she'd go so my mom won't have to be by herself and will have someone to talk to. She's nice like that. Me - not so much.... My mom and I seem to barely be speaking right now, so I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I know, I'm mean, I'm selfish, whatever. Its just where I'm at right now.

Plain Jane is in the hospital I just found out today. Her cardio myopethy is back. So they're doing the c-section tomorrow. So I guess I'll be going up to the hospital one night this week.

God give me the strength to get through this!!!!

Big sigh...

I tested this morning and BFN as usual. I was upset and cried for a bit. Then I got dressed and came to work. What else can you do in this game? On the one hand I'm bitterly disappointed... this marks 2 years -2 fucking years!!!!!!! -of TTC. On the other hand, what did I expect? To magically get knocked up just because it had been 2 years? Should I have learned from the other 23 months that maybe its not in the cards, that its not going to be that easy? I had convinced myself there was hope... Had some imaginary symptoms - nausea, heartburn, fatigue, but I guess it was all in my head. I really really hate when I let my guard down and get my hopes up. Ugh!!!!!!! So just waiting for AF now. I had some cramps last night so I'm sure it will be tomorrow or Thurs. I'll do the clomid again. April 19 I go for my well-woman and while I'm at the doc's office I'll find out all the pricing info for the monitored cycle, either timed intercourse or IUI. Thanks for all the well wishes for my brother! He got out of the hospital yesterday. He's feeling a lot better. He goes back to work tomorrow. They said the medicine should continue working so he'll continue to improve at home. The doc said all the tests came back negative but he's sure it was Guillian Bairre and the treatments worked so I guess that's what it was. Weird tho.... He was at an excellent hospital and I'm just glad they got him fixed up. Good thing I'm on the antidepressants already....Now if only I can hang on for one more cycle.... At least that's what I tell myself.

My breaking point

So what prompted me to finally start my own blog after months of stalking, I mean lurking other blogs? October was probably the hardest month I've had so far in this TTC journey.

First SIL Cake Girl had Baby #3. I knew that it was going to be hard on me but my meltdown was way worse than I thought it would be. Not because I wished anything bad to happen to her pregnancy or baby, but because holding that brand new baby gave me the most intense sadness I've ever had. Because what if that's something that I never get to experience? For every cycle that's a bust I can see the grain of sand fall from the hourglass that represents my fertility. Then there's the anger and bitterness and jealousy followed by shame and guilt for feeling so bitter and jealous. It's a baby... I should be jumping for joy for the family. Instead I'm Bitter McTwisted.

Exactly one week later, right after I tell my mother that I had a hard time being around Cake Girl's pregnancy and baby, she tells me SIL Plain Jane is pregnant. Isn't that fantastic.... Another 9 months of pregnant bellies and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.... And Plain Jane has a far worse case of endometriosis than I have and she gets prego in 3 months!!! That's right!!! Only 3 EFFING MONTHS!!!! ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week after that as we're in the hospital waiting room for my other SIL Coach Girl (last one I promise) to get out of BRAIN SURGERY my mother gives me the whopper of all whoppers causing me a meltdown of volcanic proportions.... Plain Jane is thinking about not having the baby. ARE YOU KIDDINNG ME??????? This is someone who's married, has a job, a house and health insurance and GOT OFF EFFING BIRTH CONTROL TO GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! It makes me question why would God give her a baby after 3 months of trying while torturing me for years and that ungrateful b*tch doesn't realize how effing lucky she is and might not keep it? I had to run to the bathroom of the hospital and UGLY CRY for a long time before I could even come out and be around people again. The rest of the day, actually the rest of the weekend I could barely hold myself together. Even now writing about it I am sad to the very core of my being.

Now I am going to have a talk with my mother telling her that when I'm having a good day I'll ask about people's pregnancies... otherwise, do not tell me anything. And I'll send a gift, but I will not be going to this baby shower. Hmph!!!!! Never mind the fact that her last baby shower was FILLED with girls who are having their 4th kid at the ripe old age of 23. I just can't take it anymore I'm afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps here, but I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper in the quicksand. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into self-protect mode and be checked out if I have to hear one more insensitive remark.

In non-IF news tomorrow I have a follow up with an endocrinologist, Dr. Z. When I had my physical this year my calcium level came back high. That's 2 years in a row. After doing some research the parathyroid gland causes excessive calcium. So I found Dr Z and at the first appt they redid all my bloodwork 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll get those results and they'll do an ultrasound of my thyroid and parathyroid. I have symptoms of hyperthyroid and insullin resistance even tho technically my blood levels are in the normal range. I know all of those things can contribute to IF so in an attempt to rule out every little thing I can think of, I'll be hoping Dr Z can figure out what's going on if there's something to be concerned about. Is it pathetic when you hope they DO find something.... That way I can say, "See there, that was the problem, now that we're fixing it there's hope for a BFP one of these days...." At this point I'm probably grasping at straws but what the hell is it going to hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent!