Feeling discouraged

I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'm just feeling very discouraged right now. After this last cycle I am 100% positive that the endo is back. I'm having the same pains - pain during sex, pain during BM's - the only thing I'm missing is having my cramps start a week ahead of AF's arrival. I'm sure its just a matter of time before it gets to that point again tho.

I keep thinking maybe its just time to get off this IF merry-go-round and find something else to do with my life. I brought this up to DH over the weekend, and he says I'm just being a Negative Nelly and it will happen. I just don't believe that anymore. I can't tell if I'm feeling hopeless just because of PMS, or maybe my depression is getting worse or if I'm really done with all this.

I had money set aside to try an IUI but wouldn't you know it, the freaking A/C broke 2 weekends ago and the big tv this weekend!!! That's about $750 total, everything I had set aside. I was glad I had it tho. ITs already over 100 degrees where I live, so living without AC is not an option!!!!!!!! I'm just your average middle-class girl, living paycheck to paycheck. We get by just fine, I never have to go without, but everytime I get money for treatments, something else goes wrong and takes it away. Just makes me wonder.... Maybe fertitily treatments aren't in the cards... I think someone's trying to tell me, but I just don't want to listen.

I feel like there aren't a lot of people I can turn to IRL. Everyone I know has been able to get a BFP and have their happy ending, whether they were trying to or not. So its natural that they assume that it can happen for everyone. I don't believe that anymore. There's no guarantee, lets face it. And if history is any indication of how fertile I am, well it just doesn't look too good for me. I feel isolated and when I feel like this, I withdraw even more inside myself. I just don't know what to do now.

Yesterday in the mail I got an invite to White Trash's shower. I emailed my mom I"m not going, but I'll give her a gift to take with her. CoachGirl will probably go with my mom. She said she'd go so my mom won't have to be by herself and will have someone to talk to. She's nice like that. Me - not so much.... My mom and I seem to barely be speaking right now, so I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I know, I'm mean, I'm selfish, whatever. Its just where I'm at right now.

Plain Jane is in the hospital I just found out today. Her cardio myopethy is back. So they're doing the c-section tomorrow. So I guess I'll be going up to the hospital one night this week.

God give me the strength to get through this!!!!