Going on hiatus

I've said it before and I'll say it again I love my in-laws! This last weekend was really hectic, I had a baby shower to go to and my nephew's 1st birthday to go to. Yes, I went to a baby shower. Back when I started getting caught up in all this IF, I swore there's only 2 or 3 baby showers I will ever go to. It was for one of my BFFs and I'm so excited she's finally getting her miracle and there's no way I would have missed it. Was I a little sad when I looked around the room and realized I'm the only person there without kids? Yes. Fortunately I found some inner strength and made it through without incident.

Then it was off to the bday party. I've already said before that for some reason my nephew is more of a marker of my IF journey than anyone else. Maybe its because my SIL got pg on accident after I had already been trying for a year, even had a lap surgery, and still no BFPs. He was the first of the rash of pgs that would become my personal hell! HAHA Anyhoo, the party was nice, I genuinely love that little baby and even tho it was a little painful, I made it through. Maybe I'm finally getting past some of the pain of IF.

But after the party I had a real heart-to-heart with my MIL and SIL. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that's very rare. I don't open up very often. My SIL acknowledged that she knew it was a hard day for me and thanked me for being there and asked how I was doing. Wow! Its such a blessing to have someone GET me and what I'm going through, even tho she's never gone through it.

Anyways, I finally told them what all was going on with my mother and that side of the family. Maybe it sounds stupid, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, the number 1 rule is to keep the family secrets. I keep most of what goes on with my family hidden, cause I worry what if I ever have kids, and my family is around my in-laws, I don't want my in-laws going in with a bad opinion. If that makes sense. However, seeing as how I don't know if I'll ever have kids, I just put it all out there. Their acceptance and love and support was overwhelming. They told me I shouldn't force myself to go over there at the holidays out of some ridiculous feeling of guilt or duty.... And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let myself out of holidays with them and not feel guilty.

Looking back at all the get-togethers we've had and my mom has done or said something shitty... like having a drunk pregnant woman at Thanksgiving or telling me about the abortion that White Trash had or Plain Jane was thinking of having or telling me she's going to start drinking again.... Its like she's doing it on purpose to hurt me. And I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to berate myself about it anymore. It is what it is. I shouldn't have to force myself to be a part of it. I should get to enjoy the holidays too. So this year's holiday is going to be momentous for me. I might have been raised to always be "the perfect child" but I don't have to stay a slave to that role for one more minute!!!!!

Guess that's all for now. Sorry there's not much going on the TTC front. There's just really nothing to report. I feel bad that this blog has become nothing but angry ramblings about my dysfunctional family. I know that's not what you all signed up to read.

So I'm thinking I need to make some changes.

I'm thinking of starting law school next fall. I know, where did that come from???? I cannot spend 100% of my focus on getting pg or not getting pg. I cannot waste anymore of my life on something I can't control. Right now, finances are such that I can't pursue treatments really. So whatever happens, happens. But I can control my career and putting my God-given talents to use. And that's what I'm focusing on here on out. I'll take the LSAT in December. I have to have everything turned in by Feb for admittance next fall. It feels good to take the focus off of how my body is failing me. After almost 3 years of focusing on nothing but CM and cervical position and O pains and 2wws, I'm just tired. I have to have something else to concentrate on. I'm still following everyone's stories and am happy for all of you who have gotten your BFPs recently but I think I'm going on hiatus for awhile. Not sure if I'll still post here or start a new blog about going to law school when you're 36 and whatever other adventures I come across.... but I'll still be around.

Good luck to everyone!

Feeling lost

The truth is I've been in a weird funk recently.... I'm tired of spending all my time worrying about TTC. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. Maybe I've lost hope... I just am starting to feel like its time to move on... I'm so tired of spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.... I'm tired of having to be jealous or bitter because everyone around me is blessed with the one thing I want.... I just feel done.

One thing that prompted this attitude change is what else but my frustrating mother. I ended up not going on the out-of-town trip with her. That was supposed to be this week. Work is crazy right now and I can't really take off 3 days in a row right now. But also because I have no doubt she would upset me. I was talking to her the other day about my brother who lost his home in the fire and she starts bringing up the Outlaw and White Trash.

Apparently they're both back on drugs. He's on speed and "dope", whatever that is. She's on meth and pain pills... He has a pending court case still that he goes back to court in October. If he's caught using, I'm sure his sentence will be much harsher. Of course his PO isn't drug testing him... Don't know why he's getting away with it AGAIN... So the other day, they were both coming down, she was holding the 6 week old baby and they got into a fist fight... Really??? And now the 2 drug addicts are going to be alone with that infant for the next 3-4 days on their own. Will they feed and change him? Who knows... Its really a terrible situation. And so sad that you can't trust grownups with their own child....

I told my mother I don't want to her about them anymore because its very frustrating to me. She's totally insensitive and doesn't understand of course, but I really do not want to hear anymore about this situation that they have totally caused for themselves... Why couldn't they give this baby up for adoption.... Sigh...

It just breaks my heart that these 2 idiots can have a child and not even try to do anything right and I'm stuck here in limbo... I told my mom CPS should take the baby just to be mean... and her response is "it would kill the baby"... not that it would kill either of the parents, cause let's face it, they don't give a fuck... I swear, whoever is in control of the universe has an awful sense of humor....

So for my own sanity, I have got to find something else to focus my life on... I just don't think I can keep doing this. I cannot stay in this constant fragile mental state I am in. I think I might have found something that would take the focus off of myself and my fertility problems. It would be huge and take a lot of work to get to, so I won't go into too many details right now... I'll let everyone know if it comes closer to fruition.

Hope you're all doing well out there.

No. 36 came and went...

Saturday was my 36th bday. It came and went without too much fanfare or heartache. The weekend was absolutely crazy. We had a wedding to go to Sat night. So I took Friday off to get my nails done and so the hubby could get some new tires on my car and an oil change and all that not-fun stuff I never want to do. Saturday as we're leaving the neighborhood to get haircuts and outfits for the wedding and we get rear-ended!!!! It was minor but any car accident shakes me up for a bit. Then Sunday I go to buy some new work pants and tell hubby I'll be home in an hour and when I go to leave the store the damn car battery is dead!!! Seriously!!!! My car had a better bday than I did. Hmph! Sooooo aggravating!!!!!!


Anywho, Fri night I did shed a few tears... My usual IF bday drama... Here I am turning 36 and no closer to even getting a BFP then I was when we started trying over 2 years ago when I was only 33. In just 1 month, my nephew turns 1 year old - this is the one that my SIL got pg with after we'd already been trying for 1 year with no results. So to me, I equate that nephew, more so than the others, with how long its been since we started trying.


So far CoachGirl's pg is going smoothly. I'm very happy for her, they've been trying about as long as we have.... but it completes the circle. EVERY female friend or relative I have has been able to get pg since we've started trying.... And what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing....


2 weekends ago I spend the day with my mom and it turns out the situation with White Trash ended up every bit as messed up as we thought it would. She watches baby AJ during the day while my mom's at work. But as soon as my mom comes home she hands the baby to her and asks if my mom will watch the baby while she goes outside to smoke. They never come back for the baby. They disappear all night without telling my mom where they're going.... I'm sure its drug-related... And the baby sleeps with my mom every night. My mom seems exhausted, more than usual. When we had my nephew's bday party at the bowling alley 2 weeks ago, my mom brought baby AJ with her. Neither one of his parents even came to the party!!!! Its just all on my mom.... And he's such a good little baby. Oddly tho, he's VERY alert for a 6 week old baby. His eyes were open the whole time! I've never seen a baby that age that awake. Don't know if that's residual from the mother's drug use or what... Of course, he has some health issues with the cleft lip/pallett and is already looking at surgery at the end of the month. But all I could think about was how much I wished they would have let me adopt him. I would have provided him with love and a good home... but I guess its just not meant to be....

Update

My brother and his family are hanging in there. Donations have been pouring in from coworkers and friends, which means the world to me. My firm raised a nice chunk of change which I was so excited to give my brother at my nephew's bday party this last weekend. I know every little bit will help. We're still working on getting them into a furnished apt. Hopefully by the end of the week. And my bro is also going to go to my doc this week to get something for anxiety/depression. I asked him how he was doing emotionally and he said awful. Every night he wakes up with nightmares about fires. I feel so terrible for him. We're all doing what we can to pitch in tho.

Also, they found their dogs ALIVE!!!! They made it out of the fire!!!!!!! Of course now they have to figure out what to do while they're in the apt. Those dogs are way too big for apt living... But I'm going to try to talk them into letting the dogs stay with relatives. I know how hard that is. I had to scatter my dogs with all my relatives when I was relocated after Hurrican Ike, and it was sooo hard, but in the end we all came back together and I'm grateful I was able to feel like I was having a normal, stable life while everything was being rebuilt.

Its funny.... Focusing on his disaster has totally lifted me out of my pit of despair. I guess seeing a tragedy like this up close will do that to you. My bday is Sat and for the last few months I've been dreading it.... turning 36 without even a BFP under my belt... Plus last 2 weeks ago Coach Girl texted me that she's finally pg too!!!!! Believe me, I was bitter party of 1 all day.... I mean, seriously, every single female relative or BFF I have has gotten pg in the time we've been trying... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I wonder what God is trying to tell me...

But now, I find myself barely able to get worked up about my usual IF drama....To sit in your house and look around the room and think - if the fire dept showed up and said I had 10 minutes to get out, what would I grab.... what would I not be able to grab... Well, that really puts things in perspective. I've been so focused on trying to get help to my brother and that makes me feel good about myself. I really should have gone into some sort of helping field. Maybe it would help keep the pit of despair at bay...

AF should rear her ugly head today.... But, whatever....

I finally got a smart phone and OMG!!!!!! I can't even believe what this phone can do. Its soooo amazing!!!!!!! Maybe now I'll be able to figure out how to post more pics on here..... Its addictive, that's for sure!!

Anywho, I guess that's what's been taking up all my time and energy lately...

The irony of it....

My coworkers have been so wonderful in response to the news of my brother's house!!!!! Many people have already brought clothes, diapers, bottles to me which I'm taking to him tonight. I've even had someone donate a swing!!! It brings tears to my eyes.

The bitch of it is, everyone that stops by that doesn't know why I have baby stuff in my office says excitedly "Are you having a baby?!?!?" Grrrr!!!!! If you only knew, people, if you only knew.....

I'm not complaining tho. I'm so happy to be able to help them right now. There are pics of their neighborhood on the local news websites. Unfortunately, they lived in a mobile home so when I say it burned to the ground, I mean to the ground. There's not a single possession left. Its so sad. Many people were displaced by the fire so I pray they all find shelter and help to get back on their feet.

Heavy heart

Its with a heavy heart that I write this post. This last weekend was rough emotionally. I had planned a post in my head about my little pity party I'm having when I got worse news first thing this morning. My brother and Plain Jane's house burned down last night. :-( I'm soooooo sick about it. They live in Montgomery, Texas where the wildfires were burning yesterday. I talked to PJ this morning. Basically the police showed up with bullhorns and everyone had 15 mins to evacuate!!!! I mean, can you even imagine??? No time to grab family heirlooms and everything you would want to preserve. So they loaded the 5 year old, 2 month old and family cat in her car. She drives a small Saturn. My bro drives a motorcycle. They could not even load up their dogs!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach to even type this but they had to open the gate and let them go and pray they make it safely. I can't even imagine anything as horrible as that. They went to her mom's with nothing but the clothes on their backs and 1 change of clothes each. Everything is gone......

I know they have insurance but I also know what a lengthy process that is after what I went through with the hurricane. They don't have much money especially since they have med bills this year from my bro being in the hospital then her being in the hospital having the baby.

I'm devastated for them. I'm so sick right now I can't even think about anything else.

Anyways, if you would all be so kind to send out extra prayers or vibes or whatever it is that you believe in, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This pharmacy is killing me!!!

Turns out that Pon.stel made a HUGE difference!!!!! Friday was the worst day of the cycle, I had some cramping but that was the heaviest day so that's to be expected. The cramps were just a fraction of what they were last month. But after that one day, there were no cramps and the cycle was practically over by Sun!!! Woohoo!!!!!

Needless to say I was very excited to pick up my prescription yesterday. Its a sad day when having a "normal" cycle gets a person this excited. Anyways I get to the pharmacy and they tell me its going to be $400!!!! For 30 pills!!! Yes, 4-0-0!!! I basically told the pharmacist they're crazy and I'm NOT GOING TO PAY $400 FOR 30 PILLS!!!!! I should have known this was too good to be true..... Now what??? Back to the drawing board I guess. I'll call the doc's office and tell the nurse and see if they'll either send me more samples or call out 500mg naproxen...

I'm still fuming about it!!!!

Oh and one other thing - I went to one of those jewelry parties people have at their houses on Friday night with one of my BFFs who is 6 mos pregnant. First of all the jewelry was WAY WAY overpriced. I felt bad about it but I didn't buy anything. Fortunately we didn't have to stay long. So as we're leaving all the smokers who are sitting outside stop and start the "when I was pregnant" gab. Mind you, these women are all upper-class, professional women wearing designer clothes and shoes. Frankly, they were a little snobbish. And 1 of them had the nerve to say when her daughter was a baby, she hated the baby phase. Yes, that's right. She said out loud how she hated the baby phase, hated everything about it, how horrible it was. Now that her daughter is 3, she likes it a lot better. Gee, I'm glad you finally like your kid, Lady! Then a 2nd one chimes in about how horrible the baby phase was to her too - the crying, the colic, the demanding infant... Why would they tell all this terrible stuff to someone that is pregnant?? These are seemingly educated women that are married and got pregnant on purpose. Did they not know going in that babies cry?? So effing irritating!!!!!

Normally I don't wish IF on anyone, but I really wish they had some notion of the struggle some women have to go through to get what they completely take for granted. I know being a parent is hard. Probably the hardest thing you can do. And I know there are nights moms cry themselves to sleep because they think they did the wrong thing with their child, or had a hard day or whatever. But I'm sure if you asked any mother if she would rather go to sleep crying because she had a hard day as a parent, or if she'd rather go to sleep crying because she CAN'T have kids, I'm prettty sure I know which choice they would make.

At least the night ended on a good note. We went to another friend's house and split a bottle of wine (not the pregnant friend of course) and ended up having a great time. Turns out the after party was waayyyyyy better than the actual party!! :-)

Same ol, same ol....

AF showed up Friday as expected. I took the new meds. They helped some. Friday afternoon I had a decent amount of cramps, but it was less than the last 2 months, so they helped a little. I'll try them again and see. Of course, I had to take way more than the recommended dose.... As long as I can get some relief tho!

Don't know what to do about the trip with my mom. I called her Fri and thanked her for inviting me. She was her usual lovely self. *rolls eyes* So I ask her what we're going to do while we're out of town. She breaks out that she wants us to have drinks!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?!? After 4 1/2 years of sobriety, she's going to drink again????? Now I'm freaking out again. I don't think I can go with her if she plans on drinking. Or should I go to make sure she doesn't? She repeatedly told me when she first got sober that if she drank again, she's going to try to kill herself AGAIN. Thanks, Mom! I can't get that out of my head. She is a textbook alcoholic and can not drink casually is the bottom line. Guess I'm going to have to ask her straight up if she's really planning on going back to drinking. If she's going to drink, I'm staying home. :-(

Doctor appt.

So my doctor's visit was very anti-climactic. :-) Told the doc about all my pains. He said he's fine with waiting until Jan for insurance reasons. In the meantime he gave me Ponstel or mafenic acid (sp?) to try for the pain. That scrip is $90!!!! Fortunately he gave me samples to try first and told me there's a coupon online. Sure enough, I should be able to get it for only $20 with that coupon!!!! Love that doc!!!!! If the pharmacy refuses the coupon, I'll be calling and asking for good ol' 800mg ibuprofen.

I told him I was worried he'd go in and there wouldn't be very much in there even tho I have pain. He was very sympathetic and told me even one spot the size of a pin prick can cause a lot of pain so not to worry about that. I'll be going back in Dec to get the ball rolling on getting the lap set up for January.

Of course going on b/c pills is always an option and might help minimize pain and will help the surgery a little because you'll have less inflammation when you go in. But he said he understands if I don't want to go that route because we're TTC. If I decide to go on the pills, he'll call them out.

Really, that's the only 2 avenues - pain relief until the lap to remove the endo and/or b/c pills. I already knew that going down there tho, so no big surprises.

AF should arrive Wed or Thurs... Here's hoping the new stuff helps.

2 thumbs up!

I just got back from watching the movie The Help. It was soooooo good!!!! It sold out this morning, but luckily we got there early enough to grab a seat. I had read the book and I rave to anyone who will listen how good it is. I was worried the movie would be a disappointment. But I think given their time constraints, they did a fantastic job. Naturally there were a few scenes that had to be left out. I was worried it would be sanitized for the general public, the message wouldn't come across. But the movie did a great job capturing most of the same emotions the book did. A couple of the darker scenes were left out, but still all in all, it was a great movie. Even DH liked it. He said it was one of the best he had seen in the last few years. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.... even DH's eyes.

Warning to IFers tho - there is a miscarriage scene. The book focuses more on that issue than the film did though.

Anywho I'd like to hear from anyone else that saw it what their opinion is. Last night I told my dad I was going to see it. And he tells me a lady he knows that saw it was disappointed - that they portrayed people who think they're better than everyone else. Um, so not the point!!! If that's ALL that lady took out of that film.... She's really clueless!

So this morning I got a text from my mom asking if I want to go on a road trip with her and a girlfriend of hers that will be visiting from out of town. 3 whole days together!??!?!? I don't know... we didn't talk at all this week.... maybe this is an olive branch from her. Maybe I should try to put past hurts behind me and try one more time to establish a good relationship with her. When I was talking to DH about it the other night, of course I had to get upset. He had a similar relationship with his dad who was also alcoholic. His dad passed away last year. His advice is that no matter how bad our relationship is, I'll still miss her when she's gone and regret not trying harder. So I've been mulling that over, then out of the blue today came that invitation.... Maybe I should try to be the bigger person and make things right.

P.S. I'll definitely be refilling my nerve pills if I go on that trip!! :-)

I'm still here

I finally broke down and made an appt with the gyno to see what the hell is going on in my lady region. The appointment is on Monday.


Here's what's going on. I am not having very much EWCM the last couple of months (I think because I've been off of my vitamins). But I did get SOME EWCM around day 12 and what felt like ovulation pains that were INTENSE. There were definite stabbing pains on my left side. But I never did get a positive OPK. The day I think I would have been most likely to get a +, I had only been holding my urine for about 2.5 hours instead of the 4 hours like the box recommends. So I know my sample was pretty dilute. I don't know for sure whether I O'd, but we did the deed a couple of times just to cover our bases. The thing that worries me is that when I have to pee, and I'm about to O, the pains are unbearable!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the pain is either a cyst or from the endo. I have a lot of the same symptoms as I did during the first go round with endo, but this ovary pain is definitely a new development. I know endo can interfere with the ovaries so it'll be better to find out sooner rather than later.

I have been putting off making the appt for some weeks now. I know it sounds stupid, but in the back of my mind I worry that when I go to the doc and tell him about these pains, he's going to try to minimize my feelings. The last doc didn't so I should probably have faith this guy won't either. Plus at my first appt, he said we should redo my lap after about 14 months whether or not I have symptoms. Anyhoo, I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just relieved to get it over with.

Plus, I plan on going in and telling him how brutal these last 2 cycles were and getting pain pills to hold me over until Jan when I plan on redoing the lap. My next cycle should start on Wed. I'm not really holding out any hope that this cycle will be a BFP. So I want to have those pills on hand. If my last cycle would have started on a weekday, there's no way in hell I would have made it to work. I can't call in every time my stupid period starts. Blah! I'll just get some drugs and hang on until we can take care of the problem AGAIN.

Not too much else is going on. I talk to my mom for about 5 mins every week or every other week. She called last Fri to tell me more sad news about my 3rd brother, the one I never mention. Sigh.... And I know have to go over there to visit the babies but I really don't know how I'll make it through sitting with these people for hours!!!! I'm related to them and I call them "these people"... Ugh!!!!! I CAN NOT even get through a 5 minute phone call with her without having to cry.... I don't know how I'm going to sit there and pretend I want to spend time with her right now. Its a vicious cycle I know I have to break, just not sure how or when. She hurts my feelings, I hurt hers, then we withdraw. Nothing ever gets fixed.

Sorry for the bumpy ride, I know my post was all over the freaking place today! That's pretty much everything that's been weighing on my mind lately.

The clouds have parted

I increased my zoloft to 100 mg about a week ago and I finally feel better! Yay for the breakthrough!! I just couldn't take staying negative and hopeless any longer!!! Here's to improved mental health!! :-) For anyone out there who hasn't struggled with depression or is opposed to antidepressants... here's how I describe it - When in the midst of depression its like a dark cloud is hanging over you and blocking all the sun. Once you start treatment or antidepressants, one day about a week or so later, you notice you feel better, like the clouds have parted and now hope or joy can come streaming in again. What a relief!!

Not too much going on. Hopefully I'll continue to ovulate early. I know when I tinker with my antidepressants, that affects my thyroid levels, so we'll see how this month goes.

I'm pretty sure after the last cycle the endo is back. Its not as bad as the first time I had my lap, but its definitely there. So I've been weighing the options of having my lap redone this year and I'll have about 5 months that I'll have 100% insurance coverage. Or wait until Feb when our insurance year starts over and have a whole year at 100%.

A couple of things to consider - 1) I'm pretty sure that part of my IUIs will be paid for once I'm on 100%. My ins covers anything diagnostic, so the monitoring will be paid for and i'll just have to come out of pocket for the IUI - about $350. So, potentially, I could afford more chances at IUIs, if they're partially paid for. ... I don't think I'll need meds since I'm ovulating in a timely manner now. 2) How much will waiting 6 months impact my fertility? I'm turning 36 in Sept. And I already feel like every month my chances decline a little more.... What to do, what to do....

I guess that's the gist of it. If I put it off until Feb, I will definitely be going to the doc to get stronger pain meds. No way I could have went to work if my cycle had started on a weekday instead of a weekend. I seriously couldn't leave the couch it was so awful.

I know its un-ladylike, but I have to admit I snore. Terribly!!!!!! All my life I've been told by docs my tonsils/adenoids are HUGE. I'm driving my hubby crazy with the snoring waking him up all night, every night. I'm starting to wonder if getting them removed would stop the snoring, and then we both would sleep better.... I'm still in the preliminary stages of research. The research is pretty mixed on whether the surgery is effective to stop snoring....

Just as I thought

Well AF arrived yesterday. And it was brutal this month. I had horrible cramps to the point I was nauseous. I took 800 mg ibuprofen a couple of times and they barely helped. Guess its time to go back to the doc for something stronger. I know I'm going to have to have another lap, but my deductible is high so its going to be awhile before I'll have the money together to take care of it. So until then, painkillers it is. This endo is fun stuff, right? Boo!!!!

On a good note I think I'm having a decent luteal phase these last 2 months. I'm pretty sure its the thyroid meds that are doing it. Hopefully, that'll give us a chance one of these months.

That's all I've got for now. Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend out there!!

Back in the saddle again

I'm back from vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. Let me tell you it was wonderful!!!! The temp never got over 70! Considering its 100+ every day where I am now, I thought it was wonderful, even when it drizzled a couple of days. We did some cool things like visit Mt St Helens. We shopped and ate out at some great restaurants. It was soooo hard to drag myself back in to work after a week of luxury!

My dad and I had some good talks. I'm thankful he is who he is. Some days it got to be a little emotionally heavy, but still, its better than any relationship I will ever be able to have with my mother.

Baby AJ spent his first week in the hospital. :-( He was on IV's and feeding tubes. But he's out now. He's still not gaining enough weight so they're probably going to have to go back to feeding tubes. Poor thing.... What a way to start out...

AF should arrive this weekend. No real hope for this cycle. We only managed to do the deed once during the fertile time... So, whatever.... *shrugs*

Twice this week I've had stupid dreams about being pg. One I actually dreamed I made it far enough to give birth. I rarely have pg dreams in the first place, but I don't think I've EVER made it to giving birth when I do. So they're pretty much freaking me out... Here I am trying to be more zen about TTC... and maybe even try to move on, and now I have to have these stupid dreams??? Maybe its my subconcious trying to work things out for me.

So before I left hubby and I were having a good lunch and I brought up the A-word... and without crying!!!! It was a miracle!!! Usually I'm a mess if I have to talk about giving up TTC. But I told hubby when I get back, I think I want to look into adoption and he said "ok"..... I realize we didn't get into the nitty-gritty details, but in the past if I've brought it up, he's immediately rejected even talking about the idea. So at least its out there. I don't know if logistically it will be an option for us as far as costs and the hoops we'll have to jump through. I really have no idea even what the first step would be.... have no idea where to find the info... I guess that will be my next research project.

No more negativity

Now that my vacation is only a few hours away, I'm really excited!!! Maybe all I needed to get out of the funk was some rest and relaxation! I'll post if I can figure out how to do it from my phone... sometimes I'm technologically challenged. hehe

Hope everyone out there has a great rest of the week!

The rest of the story

The baby arrived at around 5:00 yesterday. And guess what?? He has a bilateral cleft lip and cleft pallette. I'm so pissed at that lying skank. She said she had a 3d ultrasound and he had no cleft. Because of that, the hospital she had him at wasn't equipped to attend to him. Didn't have the special bottles, etc. So the poor baby had to be rushed by ambulance to a special pedriatic hospital where he can be cared for.

Why would she lie about that???? All I know is that if you really have a 3d ultrasound, you can tell whether or not there's a cleft, and go to the hospital that's most prepared. Either a) she had a regular u/s and lied, OR b) had a 3d u/s, knew there was a cleft and lied about it. I just don't get it. And she said the doc that did the u/s told her to go to a specialist to double check. She adamantly refused to go, no matter how many people tried to convince her. I don't know what the hell she's thinking. Apparently her mom and sister were bawling at the hospital because they were upset about it. This is the problem. We've had enough clefts in our family to know its not the end of the world, you just have to adapt to the baby and the special equipment. But that little idiot didn't prepare anyone.

Also, this idiot is on Medicare which makes me question the quality of medical care that the baby will be receiving. I wish she had private insurance so you can make sure the baby sees the best surgeons. I'm sure the medical care will be adequate, just wish it could be better than that.

So in the end, she's recovering in one hospital and her baby is somewhere else entirely. She really makes me sick! Ugh!!! Too much drama for one day!!!!

Anyhoo, I leave to visit my dad in Washington state this afternoon. Yay!!!! I get a break from the 100+ temps we have here. The high is 70-75 up there!!!!! I won't get back until next Wed. Guess I can finish dealing with this drama then. Or never. Everyone's in good hands now and I plan on enjoying my vacay!!!!!

If I hear anything else about the baby's condition, I'll post an update.

White Trash Update

So far they've started inducing her today. When the doc broke her water, the fluid was green which means the baby has already had a bowel movement in utero. The doctor is none too pleased about that. I did some research and guess what the cause is - SMOKING! That dumb b*tch smoked her entire pregnancy, which means the baby has been deprived of oxygen, which puts the baby in distress which causes the bowel movement.

The baby may have to be put in NICU, receive oxygen and/or antibiotics. It could develop into pneumonia. It could be fatal. It could lead to an emergency c-section. It all depends on how long ago the baby had the BM and if its aspirated it into his lungs.

And all because she's such a selfish person she couldn't bother with prenatal care or to stop smoking. I'm pretty pissed right now. Thank God I'm not going to the hosp tonight. I would tell my bro point blank that this is HER FAULT. I told my mother that, but how much do you want to bet she'll play it off like it could happen to anyone. Grrr!!!!!

Anyways, I'll let everyone know when the baby gets here safe and sound... hopefully.....

Sorry I've been out of sorts lately

I haven't posted for awhile... I just don't know what to say anymore. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll feel more optimistic down the road. AF came and went. The pain wasn't unbearable for the first time in a few months.

I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.

I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????

He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?

I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....

On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.

P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....

P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!

I finally stood up to her

I realize there have been more blogs lately about the idiots that I'm related to than my IF issues even though the IF is the whole reason I started this blog. There just never seems to be anything new to report on the baby-making front. Today is CD 22. Too early for me to have symptoms of AF and I've never really gotten to experience symptoms of the other, so there's not a whole lot there. We'll know something in a week or so.

So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.

So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.

He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.

I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.

So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.

I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.

I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.

That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!

I think I've confused my monitor

I'm pretty sure I O'd on Sunday. Day 12 is crazy early for me!!!!!!! Maybe the thyroid thing I've been droning on and on about for months now really was the key!!!! Had all the telltale signs - EWCM and ovulation pains and now the EWCM is gone. However, my stupid CBEFM monitor only started showing medium fertility on Sunday. I think maybe because I'm O'in A LOT earlier than I used to, it put back my 1st day to test to day 8 instead of day 6. That worked fine when I O'd late... but now if I'm O'ing on day 12 maybe it didn't catch it? Who the hell knows... It's frustrating the hell out of me tho!!!!! And I didn't use the back-up sticks because I normally wait for the medium fertility sign to start using those. Ugh!!!!! I was totally caught off guard and we hadn't even done much BDing... Looking back, It looks like we had some action Wed, Thurs, and Sun. Hopefully that covers the bases. If not, I guess it will just be the same as all the other cycles. *shrugs*

I pulled up directions on how to do a manual reset on the monitor today and I'm going to do that and start over with the new cycle. Hopefully that will fix this little snafu we're having.

I skipped White Trash's shower yesterday. I felt pretty guilty about it.... But I'm in a good place right now and did not want to end up in the bad place again if I saw her smoking or popping pills.... Then this morning I talked to Coach Girl and I'm sooooo glad I didn't go!!!!! She appeared sober, so that's good news. Yes, she smoked tho. I knew that would upset me. And she acted like she didn't want to be there. She couldn't even get excited about the gifts. How can someone not be excited when getting cute baby stuff?!?!??!! It all makes me squeal and I'm not even pg yet. HMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so ungrateful it makes me sick!!!!!!! Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself she doesn't have anything to do with my situation and I have to keep plodding along on my own journey, for better or worse..... What else can I do?

We will all love that little baby when he gets here... Its just so sad that she doesn't even hide that she doesn't really want this baby. Whatever... I'm hoping she'll get excited or feel something maternal when he gets here. For the baby's sake.