I'm still here

I finally broke down and made an appt with the gyno to see what the hell is going on in my lady region. The appointment is on Monday.


Here's what's going on. I am not having very much EWCM the last couple of months (I think because I've been off of my vitamins). But I did get SOME EWCM around day 12 and what felt like ovulation pains that were INTENSE. There were definite stabbing pains on my left side. But I never did get a positive OPK. The day I think I would have been most likely to get a +, I had only been holding my urine for about 2.5 hours instead of the 4 hours like the box recommends. So I know my sample was pretty dilute. I don't know for sure whether I O'd, but we did the deed a couple of times just to cover our bases. The thing that worries me is that when I have to pee, and I'm about to O, the pains are unbearable!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the pain is either a cyst or from the endo. I have a lot of the same symptoms as I did during the first go round with endo, but this ovary pain is definitely a new development. I know endo can interfere with the ovaries so it'll be better to find out sooner rather than later.

I have been putting off making the appt for some weeks now. I know it sounds stupid, but in the back of my mind I worry that when I go to the doc and tell him about these pains, he's going to try to minimize my feelings. The last doc didn't so I should probably have faith this guy won't either. Plus at my first appt, he said we should redo my lap after about 14 months whether or not I have symptoms. Anyhoo, I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just relieved to get it over with.

Plus, I plan on going in and telling him how brutal these last 2 cycles were and getting pain pills to hold me over until Jan when I plan on redoing the lap. My next cycle should start on Wed. I'm not really holding out any hope that this cycle will be a BFP. So I want to have those pills on hand. If my last cycle would have started on a weekday, there's no way in hell I would have made it to work. I can't call in every time my stupid period starts. Blah! I'll just get some drugs and hang on until we can take care of the problem AGAIN.

Not too much else is going on. I talk to my mom for about 5 mins every week or every other week. She called last Fri to tell me more sad news about my 3rd brother, the one I never mention. Sigh.... And I know have to go over there to visit the babies but I really don't know how I'll make it through sitting with these people for hours!!!! I'm related to them and I call them "these people"... Ugh!!!!! I CAN NOT even get through a 5 minute phone call with her without having to cry.... I don't know how I'm going to sit there and pretend I want to spend time with her right now. Its a vicious cycle I know I have to break, just not sure how or when. She hurts my feelings, I hurt hers, then we withdraw. Nothing ever gets fixed.

Sorry for the bumpy ride, I know my post was all over the freaking place today! That's pretty much everything that's been weighing on my mind lately.