So far they've started inducing her today. When the doc broke her water, the fluid was green which means the baby has already had a bowel movement in utero. The doctor is none too pleased about that. I did some research and guess what the cause is - SMOKING! That dumb b*tch smoked her entire pregnancy, which means the baby has been deprived of oxygen, which puts the baby in distress which causes the bowel movement.
The baby may have to be put in NICU, receive oxygen and/or antibiotics. It could develop into pneumonia. It could be fatal. It could lead to an emergency c-section. It all depends on how long ago the baby had the BM and if its aspirated it into his lungs.
And all because she's such a selfish person she couldn't bother with prenatal care or to stop smoking. I'm pretty pissed right now. Thank God I'm not going to the hosp tonight. I would tell my bro point blank that this is HER FAULT. I told my mother that, but how much do you want to bet she'll play it off like it could happen to anyone. Grrr!!!!!
Anyways, I'll let everyone know when the baby gets here safe and sound... hopefully.....
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sorry I've been out of sorts lately
I haven't posted for awhile... I just don't know what to say anymore. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll feel more optimistic down the road. AF came and went. The pain wasn't unbearable for the first time in a few months.
I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.
I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.
I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????
He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?
I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....
On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.
I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.
P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....
P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!
I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.
I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.
I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????
He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?
I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....
On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.
I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.
P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....
P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
I finally stood up to her
I realize there have been more blogs lately about the idiots that I'm related to than my IF issues even though the IF is the whole reason I started this blog. There just never seems to be anything new to report on the baby-making front. Today is CD 22. Too early for me to have symptoms of AF and I've never really gotten to experience symptoms of the other, so there's not a whole lot there. We'll know something in a week or so.
So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.
So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.
He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.
I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.
So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.
I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.
I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.
That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!
So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.
So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.
He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.
I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.
So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.
I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.
I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.
That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
White Trash's update
So she had her "free" u/s yesterday. Turns out she's 25 effing weeks along!!!! And just had her 1st appt! Dumbass!!!!!! Baby was turned the wrong way so they couldn't tell gender or if it has the cleft lip issues.
So basically her and Plain Jane got pg within 1 week of each other!!!! One is due June 25 and one is July 1. Isn't that kick-me-in-the-groin, spit-in-my-face fantastic??????
The irony is when my mom knew me and Coach Girl started trying 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO... she joked that we would probably get pregnant at the same time and how would she be able to afford 2 baby showers.... The reality is all 3 of my other SIL's managed to get pg and STAY pg in that time... with me and CoachGirl not getting as much as one fucking BFP in that time..... Aint life grand......
Yes, I'm just hanging on by a thread here.....
So basically her and Plain Jane got pg within 1 week of each other!!!! One is due June 25 and one is July 1. Isn't that kick-me-in-the-groin, spit-in-my-face fantastic??????
The irony is when my mom knew me and Coach Girl started trying 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO... she joked that we would probably get pregnant at the same time and how would she be able to afford 2 baby showers.... The reality is all 3 of my other SIL's managed to get pg and STAY pg in that time... with me and CoachGirl not getting as much as one fucking BFP in that time..... Aint life grand......
Yes, I'm just hanging on by a thread here.....
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The wait is over....
So I caved and tested today....BFN.... What a shocker, right? NOT! AF should arrive tomorrow but I wanted to beat her to it. I hate hate hate how depressed I can get when she shows without warning... I figured it would be better to just test and get it over with then try to hold out hope a few more days just to be that much more devastated when she shows. HMPH! Have to do 1 more clomid cycle then the doc said he'd do a cycle with a trigger shot.... So there's that to look forward to I guess.
I guess the silver lining here is I can drink at the Kid Rock concert now.... Of course we all know what a lousy second prize that is.... I would have been thrilled to not be able to drink because i was finally finally finally knocked up!!!!! Oh well......
So tomorrow AF will probably show up and tomorrow is White Trash's 1 ultrasound and I'm sure my mother will call to tell me about it and I'll have to cry oceans upon oceans.... By the way, just found out this week, White Trash is actually 5 months along!!!!!!! And this is her 1st fucking OB appt.... Actually, I don't know if its an OB appt.... She told my mom and brother she finally found somewhere she could get a free ultrasound.... PRenatal care? Not to be concerned about if you're White Trash apparently... And my hopes that maybe by the grace of God, she'd straighten up because of the pregnancy - Guess that wasn't the case since she's already about in her last trimester and still doing what she shouldn't be doing. So yeah, this is going to be an oh-so-fun week.
Why is God punishing me?
I guess the silver lining here is I can drink at the Kid Rock concert now.... Of course we all know what a lousy second prize that is.... I would have been thrilled to not be able to drink because i was finally finally finally knocked up!!!!! Oh well......
So tomorrow AF will probably show up and tomorrow is White Trash's 1 ultrasound and I'm sure my mother will call to tell me about it and I'll have to cry oceans upon oceans.... By the way, just found out this week, White Trash is actually 5 months along!!!!!!! And this is her 1st fucking OB appt.... Actually, I don't know if its an OB appt.... She told my mom and brother she finally found somewhere she could get a free ultrasound.... PRenatal care? Not to be concerned about if you're White Trash apparently... And my hopes that maybe by the grace of God, she'd straighten up because of the pregnancy - Guess that wasn't the case since she's already about in her last trimester and still doing what she shouldn't be doing. So yeah, this is going to be an oh-so-fun week.
Why is God punishing me?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
2ww
So now we're in the beginning of the dreaded 2ww.... This weekend I O'd according to the OPK... but is there a way to narrow it down to a specific day? The OPK detects the LH surge... which means the O is coming in 24-36 hours, right? Like if I can pinpoint the 4 hour window when my EWCM disappeared.... is that the 4 hour window that the egg is released or is there no way to tell? Just wondering. I'm supposed to start taking progesterone 3 days after O'ing. I know I had the + OPK Fri and Sat... and the EWCM disappeared Sat afternoon.... So I'll be starting the progesterone tonight or tomorrow night. We got in some timely BD'ing... :-) My fingers and toes are crossed!
Work has been HELL lately. My boss organizes an annual conference for about 200 people in March so Feb is always a madhouse!!! I'llbe so glad when the conference is over!
I talked to my mother the other day... I shouldn't have, but I asked if White Trash is still using... Of course she is... She's on prescription pills that she's getting illegally. I don't know what kind of withdrawals this can cause a newborn, but it can't be good. Apparently its a bone of contention with her and my bro. Thank God somebody is thinking of the baby!!! He tells her not to, she does anyways. Apparently she told him "you look at me like I disgust you".... his answer was "you do." Nice....this is going to be a great environment to bring a baby in.... And yes she's still on some sort of "bond probation". Not sure how that's different that regular probation... but if she fails a UA she'll be back in the slammer.... So my niece or nephew could be born not only in jail but drug addicted?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?! It doesn't get any more white trash than that.... Hmph.
On top of all that, cleft lips/pallets run in the family. My brothers are actually my half-brothers (same mom, different dad) and my stepdad and 1 of my brothers had full clefts... But even my brother that didn't have a cleft lip had a son who did. This baby (and Plain Jane's) have a higher than 75% chance of being born with a full cleft lip/pallet.... That doesn't upset me or my mom or brothers since we grew up seeing the special equipment and the frequent surgeries.... Honestly, its very hard on their wives that are coming into this without knowing all of the medical stuff they're going to have to go through. I mean, that's the worst part, is its just heart breaking to see a 6 month old or 18 month old have major surgery and be in pain afterwards and not be able to help them understand why. Seriously, its challenging enough, just learning to feed the poor baby, there's a special bottle with this weird contraption that half the time the hospital doesn't even have if they don't know the baby has a cleft lip before hand and so the baby is crying, but you can't feed them until you get that damn bottle.... Its really hard ... And of course she'll be on Medicaid so its not like she'll be able to go to a nice hospital that specializes in high risk infants... And the possibility that the baby will be born drug addicted just breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces!!!! Its a whole can of worms... will the baby get taken away if the hospital calls CPS? Or will my mom and brother be able to take him home if she's locked up?
And these are the people who can breed like rabbits!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work has been HELL lately. My boss organizes an annual conference for about 200 people in March so Feb is always a madhouse!!! I'llbe so glad when the conference is over!
I talked to my mother the other day... I shouldn't have, but I asked if White Trash is still using... Of course she is... She's on prescription pills that she's getting illegally. I don't know what kind of withdrawals this can cause a newborn, but it can't be good. Apparently its a bone of contention with her and my bro. Thank God somebody is thinking of the baby!!! He tells her not to, she does anyways. Apparently she told him "you look at me like I disgust you".... his answer was "you do." Nice....this is going to be a great environment to bring a baby in.... And yes she's still on some sort of "bond probation". Not sure how that's different that regular probation... but if she fails a UA she'll be back in the slammer.... So my niece or nephew could be born not only in jail but drug addicted?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?! It doesn't get any more white trash than that.... Hmph.
On top of all that, cleft lips/pallets run in the family. My brothers are actually my half-brothers (same mom, different dad) and my stepdad and 1 of my brothers had full clefts... But even my brother that didn't have a cleft lip had a son who did. This baby (and Plain Jane's) have a higher than 75% chance of being born with a full cleft lip/pallet.... That doesn't upset me or my mom or brothers since we grew up seeing the special equipment and the frequent surgeries.... Honestly, its very hard on their wives that are coming into this without knowing all of the medical stuff they're going to have to go through. I mean, that's the worst part, is its just heart breaking to see a 6 month old or 18 month old have major surgery and be in pain afterwards and not be able to help them understand why. Seriously, its challenging enough, just learning to feed the poor baby, there's a special bottle with this weird contraption that half the time the hospital doesn't even have if they don't know the baby has a cleft lip before hand and so the baby is crying, but you can't feed them until you get that damn bottle.... Its really hard ... And of course she'll be on Medicaid so its not like she'll be able to go to a nice hospital that specializes in high risk infants... And the possibility that the baby will be born drug addicted just breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces!!!! Its a whole can of worms... will the baby get taken away if the hospital calls CPS? Or will my mom and brother be able to take him home if she's locked up?
And these are the people who can breed like rabbits!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Really?? REALLY?!?!??!
i'm warning you now, plenty of colorful language ahead... I'll understand if you don't want to continue....
So here I am on the verge of a meltdown again.... I heard today from my mom that my youngest bro's girlfried is pg. At the risk of revealing what white trash my roots are I'll divulge the details anyways. So my youngest bro is basically your everyday thug. Most of any work he's ever done has been in the linE of dr. feelgood..... In and out of jail and of course he always gets a slap on the wrist.... And for some reason he always acts shocked when he gets picked up again..... So he's been with White Trash (yes, that is how she will be known from here on out) for awhile... moved her in with him at my mom's house (yes its a trailer) and they're always off again, on again... And now for some reason God has decided that the 2 people who deserve most to procreate are these 2 fucking idiots who don't work, don't contribute to society.... Never mind the fact that she lost custody of her 1st kid.... and she has had made no effort to get that child back.... and I just found out today of course she terminated her last pregnancy with my bro... I guess she can't be bothered to take a fucking bcp....
I know I sound cold and condescending... but I don't have that much in common with my family... I chose to go to work at a young age and live my life a certain way, you know, being a good member of society, paying taxes, buying ahouse... just a boring life to some, but perfect for me..... So how is it that God rewards these effing assholes with child after child and I can't get one to save my life!!!!! I just don't understand. Why why why??????? Did I mention that all of my bros are atheists... they've probably never said a prayer in their life much less daily for the last how many years for the possiblity to have a baby?
And all this on the tail end of my clomid round where I'm already an emotional mess.....God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here I am on the verge of a meltdown again.... I heard today from my mom that my youngest bro's girlfried is pg. At the risk of revealing what white trash my roots are I'll divulge the details anyways. So my youngest bro is basically your everyday thug. Most of any work he's ever done has been in the linE of dr. feelgood..... In and out of jail and of course he always gets a slap on the wrist.... And for some reason he always acts shocked when he gets picked up again..... So he's been with White Trash (yes, that is how she will be known from here on out) for awhile... moved her in with him at my mom's house (yes its a trailer) and they're always off again, on again... And now for some reason God has decided that the 2 people who deserve most to procreate are these 2 fucking idiots who don't work, don't contribute to society.... Never mind the fact that she lost custody of her 1st kid.... and she has had made no effort to get that child back.... and I just found out today of course she terminated her last pregnancy with my bro... I guess she can't be bothered to take a fucking bcp....
I know I sound cold and condescending... but I don't have that much in common with my family... I chose to go to work at a young age and live my life a certain way, you know, being a good member of society, paying taxes, buying ahouse... just a boring life to some, but perfect for me..... So how is it that God rewards these effing assholes with child after child and I can't get one to save my life!!!!! I just don't understand. Why why why??????? Did I mention that all of my bros are atheists... they've probably never said a prayer in their life much less daily for the last how many years for the possiblity to have a baby?
And all this on the tail end of my clomid round where I'm already an emotional mess.....God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
WTF?!?!?
So how do you like this - AF showed up last night... in the middle of my round of progresterone!!!! Which gives me a cycle of ONLY 23 days!!! Which means progesterone actually fucking shortened my cycle!!!! WTF?!?!?! Has anyone ever heard of this? Everything I've read says you're not supposed to bleed until 1-3 days after stopping the progesterone.... Not me tho... I'm so broken I can't even do that right.... The doctor told me to continue taking it until CD 28 which I never saw. So now what am I supposed to do? Take it until what would have been CD 28? Or stop taking it? Of course this happens at 10 last night so its not like I can call the doc's office and ask the nurse. I'm sure they didn't give me any alternative instructions because who does this??? Who gets a shorter cycle on progesterone?????
I'm so pissed right now I can barely type. Just pissed at my stupid body for not reacting properly to the drug that everyone else can get the expected results on. I just wanted to have a 14 day luteal phase for once and see what happened. Even with ovulating super early on CD 12... I got an 11 day LP. That's better than 10 days like usual and maybe its sufficient for a pg to implant but maybe not. I caved and tested Thurs and Fri and obviously they were negative. So I guess what's the point about worrying if my LP is long enough to support a pg when there must not have been 1 to start with.
I'm just so over all this IF stuff. I guess I'll just keep taking the progesterone. What's the worst that could happen? Fuck it.
UPDATED:
I'm starting to calm down again. Whew! Maybe I need to increase my dosage? Of course I started googling it since I can't talk to the nurse until Monday. But it looks like there's a 300mg dose available so there must be other people who need more. Is AF coming early how you would know if you needed more? Well I guess my questions will have to wait until Mon when I can talk to the nurse. I'll still take my dose tonight and tomorrow in case that's what the doc wants me to do. I'll find out Mon for sure.
Can anyone say mood swings from hell between this stuff and regular PMS???? ;-)
I'm so pissed right now I can barely type. Just pissed at my stupid body for not reacting properly to the drug that everyone else can get the expected results on. I just wanted to have a 14 day luteal phase for once and see what happened. Even with ovulating super early on CD 12... I got an 11 day LP. That's better than 10 days like usual and maybe its sufficient for a pg to implant but maybe not. I caved and tested Thurs and Fri and obviously they were negative. So I guess what's the point about worrying if my LP is long enough to support a pg when there must not have been 1 to start with.
I'm just so over all this IF stuff. I guess I'll just keep taking the progesterone. What's the worst that could happen? Fuck it.
UPDATED:
I'm starting to calm down again. Whew! Maybe I need to increase my dosage? Of course I started googling it since I can't talk to the nurse until Monday. But it looks like there's a 300mg dose available so there must be other people who need more. Is AF coming early how you would know if you needed more? Well I guess my questions will have to wait until Mon when I can talk to the nurse. I'll still take my dose tonight and tomorrow in case that's what the doc wants me to do. I'll find out Mon for sure.
Can anyone say mood swings from hell between this stuff and regular PMS???? ;-)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
People are idiots!!!
I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but this is the last one I promise. Hopefully nobody else makes me mad anyways. :-)
At lunch today a 60+-year-old coworker out of the blue starts talking about so many people have problems getting pregnant these days.... I've never talked to her about my struggles so I don't know where that came from.... Anyways she goes on to say its our fault for taking birth control for so long... What did people think would happen.... SERIOUSLY?!?!? Never mind that this isn't the 50's anymore where women had no choice but to get married and get knocked up... Never mind that I wanted to finish college, get a career going, and buy a house before I had kids.... I guess I deserve what's coming to me.... GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or never mind that there are theories that we're receiving too many hormones from our environment which causes girls to go into puberty way earlier than they used to and possibly increases fertility problems..... Or what about the possiblity that my mom's generation, including my mom and her friends, had all their kids and their tubes tied by the time they hit 30. Many also had hysterectomies by then, so how do they know whether or not they would have been able to get pregnant. Is this what normal people think about IFers?????
I'm already having a very weepy, emotional week and then I have to listen to this shit at lunch? I went back to work early and ended up crying until I get myself under control. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!!! I needed it!!!!
At lunch today a 60+-year-old coworker out of the blue starts talking about so many people have problems getting pregnant these days.... I've never talked to her about my struggles so I don't know where that came from.... Anyways she goes on to say its our fault for taking birth control for so long... What did people think would happen.... SERIOUSLY?!?!? Never mind that this isn't the 50's anymore where women had no choice but to get married and get knocked up... Never mind that I wanted to finish college, get a career going, and buy a house before I had kids.... I guess I deserve what's coming to me.... GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or never mind that there are theories that we're receiving too many hormones from our environment which causes girls to go into puberty way earlier than they used to and possibly increases fertility problems..... Or what about the possiblity that my mom's generation, including my mom and her friends, had all their kids and their tubes tied by the time they hit 30. Many also had hysterectomies by then, so how do they know whether or not they would have been able to get pregnant. Is this what normal people think about IFers?????
I'm already having a very weepy, emotional week and then I have to listen to this shit at lunch? I went back to work early and ended up crying until I get myself under control. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!!! I needed it!!!!
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