Some good news!

I'm sure I sound totally wacky right now.... Stupid clomid!!! Thanks to everyone who let me know that clomid messed with their emotions too!!!!

So on the way home last night I stopped at a pharmacy and got the Clear Blue OPKs.... the digital ones with the smiley face. I thought - Ha! I'll show you CBEFM!!!!! So tested last night and it was negative. This morning I took both OPKs... and the CBEFM gave me my LH surge and the digital one did not!!!!! WTF!?!???! I guess today since the CBEFM gave me the news I wanted to hear, that's the one I'm going to believe! HAHAHAHA Whatever, I'm just happy I finally got a positive on one of these damn sticks and it coincided with the EWCM I got yesterday. So we BD'd last night and I plan on making sure we cover the next few days.... Theoretically it only takes one good timed BD right???? ;-) Swim, little swimmers, Swim!!!

On to my mental health.... I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor to get something for depression and possibly something for anxiety. I feel terrible even admitting that to you guys. Here I bitch about White Trash taking stuff and I'm considering taking antidepressants. I realize there's a big difference between being a drug addict and fighting depression and from what I've read Zoloft is safe for TTC, but I still feel bad about it. I just can't take it anymore tho. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but every day something makes me cry. And its been like this for awhile, for months so this I can't blame on the clomid. I can feel it just beneath the surface at all times and I can't take it anymore. I really have to get control of this and sooner rather than later.

I've been pretty sure I have general anxiety disorder for awhile now. My mom was diagnosed with it a few years back and her therapist told her that her kids should be tested for it. I can usually keep the anxiety monster at bay. However in this IF struggle it has gotten out of control. I have minor anxiety attacks even before something fun like meeting friends for lunch. And I started the loom knitting thinking that would relax me but it flares up when I start a new project or am shopping for yarn. Seriously?!??! Who gets anxiety over shopping for yarn???? I realize how crazy I sound and it only makes me feel crazier for actually admitting it to someone else but I have come to the realization that something has to be done so I can get this under control. Even if by some miracle an egg got fertilized, I don't know if it could implant when my body is always in panic mode like this.

So tomorrow morning I have a doc appt which means I have to put my big girl panties on and tell the doctor that I'm not coping too well here. Fun times this IF journey is full of....

Don't worry, I'll talk to the RE before we do any further treatments to make sure he's ok with me being on Zoloft. I wouldn't do anything that goes against his better judgment. But I really need some help holding it together.

Thanks for listening! It makes it so much easier to get through this knowing you guys are out there. I'll let you know how it goes.