The bitch is back

Yes, AF showed 1st thing this morning. Cramps woke me up so I knew she was here. Oh well, I knew she was on her way since I already had a BFN this week. I might have to start doing that every cycle. Its better when I find out on my own terms than when I build up hope and she surprises me. So I actually had a 28 day cycle. Wow! That's so much better than a 23-24 day cycle... I'll be starting my clomid on Monday then. I hope I'm not a bitch to Kid Rock! hehe

Now I'm off to shop for CakeGirl's bday present. We're going to Saltgrass for her bday dinner tonight. Yay! One of my favorite restaurants, definitely my favorite steak place! After I load my self up with some ibuprofen here in a few minutes, that is. :-)

The weather is beautiful here!!! I hope you guys are having a great weekend too!!!

TGIF!

So I've calmed down again. I was kind of a mess last night... but today I'm ok again. Looks me and my mother are going to have to go back to the policy of she doesn't bring up White Trash or Plain Jane unless I ask. Its better that way.

Thank you so much for your comments!!!!!! I don't know if you realize how great it feels to have someone "get" you.... I beat myself up for being a terrible person for having so much jealousy and bitterness.... but after hearing you ladies say you'd be pissed too... I feel like I can give myself permission to just feel what I feel. Seriously, your support means everything to me!!!!!! :-)

AF still isn't here. I think the clomid and the progesterone is working in that I'll get at minimum a 28 day cycle!!! I haven't had that in years. If AF doesn't come until 2 days after I quit taking it I will flip out!!! A 30 day cycle?!?!?!?! I know its been at least 10 years since I've had a 30 day cycle. Finally my body seems to be reacting like its supposed to. Maybe I will be able to maintain a pg one of these days if I can have normal cycles and normal luteal phases! Every month when my cycles get shorter and shorter I just become that much more hopeless.... It just seems so impossible to get pg when your cycles are only 24 days long and you ovulate WAY late... Not a good combo at all.

So I'm trying to drum up some hope around here... Not for this cycle. I've tested, it was negative, its fine. I'm not getting my hopes up again this cycle. But for the cycles down the road... Maybe I can have a "normal" luteal phase... Just maybe I can be a "normal" girl and have a shot at a BFP one day....

Stay tuned, I'm sure more drama is on the way..... hehehehe

Hope everyone is doing well out there. :-)

White Trash's update

So she had her "free" u/s yesterday. Turns out she's 25 effing weeks along!!!! And just had her 1st appt! Dumbass!!!!!! Baby was turned the wrong way so they couldn't tell gender or if it has the cleft lip issues.

So basically her and Plain Jane got pg within 1 week of each other!!!! One is due June 25 and one is July 1. Isn't that kick-me-in-the-groin, spit-in-my-face fantastic??????

The irony is when my mom knew me and Coach Girl started trying 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO... she joked that we would probably get pregnant at the same time and how would she be able to afford 2 baby showers.... The reality is all 3 of my other SIL's managed to get pg and STAY pg in that time... with me and CoachGirl not getting as much as one fucking BFP in that time..... Aint life grand......

Yes, I'm just hanging on by a thread here.....

Some good news...

My mom just called. Plain Jane had a 3-d ultrasound today and her baby doesn't have a cleft lip!! Yay!!!!!! We thought for sure he would because their 1st baby had one. There's still a chance the baby has a cleft pallette, you can't tell that for sure on an u/s. But if he does, that's only 1 surgery which is much better than surgeries every other year! I'm very happy for them! :-) I know she was sad or disappointed she couldn't nurse Z, so this time she can at least try.

Still no word on White Trash's doc appt....

The wait is over....

So I caved and tested today....BFN.... What a shocker, right? NOT! AF should arrive tomorrow but I wanted to beat her to it. I hate hate hate how depressed I can get when she shows without warning... I figured it would be better to just test and get it over with then try to hold out hope a few more days just to be that much more devastated when she shows. HMPH! Have to do 1 more clomid cycle then the doc said he'd do a cycle with a trigger shot.... So there's that to look forward to I guess.

I guess the silver lining here is I can drink at the Kid Rock concert now.... Of course we all know what a lousy second prize that is.... I would have been thrilled to not be able to drink because i was finally finally finally knocked up!!!!! Oh well......

So tomorrow AF will probably show up and tomorrow is White Trash's 1 ultrasound and I'm sure my mother will call to tell me about it and I'll have to cry oceans upon oceans.... By the way, just found out this week, White Trash is actually 5 months along!!!!!!! And this is her 1st fucking OB appt.... Actually, I don't know if its an OB appt.... She told my mom and brother she finally found somewhere she could get a free ultrasound.... PRenatal care? Not to be concerned about if you're White Trash apparently... And my hopes that maybe by the grace of God, she'd straighten up because of the pregnancy - Guess that wasn't the case since she's already about in her last trimester and still doing what she shouldn't be doing. So yeah, this is going to be an oh-so-fun week.

Why is God punishing me?

Tick tock....

Still in the middle of the 2ww.... I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately. Maybe its hormonal side effects from the progesterone. I'm just so freaking weepy. And while for the last 2 weeks since I found out about White Trash getting pg, I have been angry.... The last few days I have felt such immense sadness. At Christmas at my mom's there will be not 1 but 2 newborns..... and I am so sad about it. I am so tired of everyone being able to move forward but me. I'm tired of being left behind. If I don't get pg by then, I really don't know how I'm going to get through these holidays... Yes, i'm already worried about it even though its only March.

Does anyone else feel like progesterone makes them an airhead? I swear I am so dingy right now.... I usually have my fair share of blonde moments but I noticed the same thing last month.... the 7-10 days I take progesterone its like my head is not even screwed on straight..... I'm not sure what that's all about.....

I'm hoping work will go back to normal now that my boss's big project is over. Thank God I survived..... I had a few full blown panic atticks... but hopefully things will calm down again.

One good thing that happend this week... My office manager came in and asked if I wanted to go to a concert on March 14. The firm had extra tickets. So 4 of us will go, including my best friend at work!!!! And its KID ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! I have always wanted to see him!!!! I'm sooooo freaking excited!!!! We get to leave work early, the car service will pick us up from work and take us to the concert and bring us back when its over. We get to leave early cause we're going to eat first and go shopping!!! I'm totally pscyhed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be the best work day ever!!! :-)

2ww

So now we're in the beginning of the dreaded 2ww.... This weekend I O'd according to the OPK... but is there a way to narrow it down to a specific day? The OPK detects the LH surge... which means the O is coming in 24-36 hours, right? Like if I can pinpoint the 4 hour window when my EWCM disappeared.... is that the 4 hour window that the egg is released or is there no way to tell? Just wondering. I'm supposed to start taking progesterone 3 days after O'ing. I know I had the + OPK Fri and Sat... and the EWCM disappeared Sat afternoon.... So I'll be starting the progesterone tonight or tomorrow night. We got in some timely BD'ing... :-) My fingers and toes are crossed!

Work has been HELL lately. My boss organizes an annual conference for about 200 people in March so Feb is always a madhouse!!! I'llbe so glad when the conference is over!

I talked to my mother the other day... I shouldn't have, but I asked if White Trash is still using... Of course she is... She's on prescription pills that she's getting illegally. I don't know what kind of withdrawals this can cause a newborn, but it can't be good. Apparently its a bone of contention with her and my bro. Thank God somebody is thinking of the baby!!! He tells her not to, she does anyways. Apparently she told him "you look at me like I disgust you".... his answer was "you do." Nice....this is going to be a great environment to bring a baby in.... And yes she's still on some sort of "bond probation". Not sure how that's different that regular probation... but if she fails a UA she'll be back in the slammer.... So my niece or nephew could be born not only in jail but drug addicted?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?! It doesn't get any more white trash than that.... Hmph.

On top of all that, cleft lips/pallets run in the family. My brothers are actually my half-brothers (same mom, different dad) and my stepdad and 1 of my brothers had full clefts... But even my brother that didn't have a cleft lip had a son who did. This baby (and Plain Jane's) have a higher than 75% chance of being born with a full cleft lip/pallet.... That doesn't upset me or my mom or brothers since we grew up seeing the special equipment and the frequent surgeries.... Honestly, its very hard on their wives that are coming into this without knowing all of the medical stuff they're going to have to go through. I mean, that's the worst part, is its just heart breaking to see a 6 month old or 18 month old have major surgery and be in pain afterwards and not be able to help them understand why. Seriously, its challenging enough, just learning to feed the poor baby, there's a special bottle with this weird contraption that half the time the hospital doesn't even have if they don't know the baby has a cleft lip before hand and so the baby is crying, but you can't feed them until you get that damn bottle.... Its really hard ... And of course she'll be on Medicaid so its not like she'll be able to go to a nice hospital that specializes in high risk infants... And the possibility that the baby will be born drug addicted just breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces!!!! Its a whole can of worms... will the baby get taken away if the hospital calls CPS? Or will my mom and brother be able to take him home if she's locked up?

And these are the people who can breed like rabbits!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!