Still waiting....

Almost halfway through the 2ww, nothing to report really. Of course that makes me think this isn't the month. Guess we'll find out in a week. I'm definitely feeling better on the zoloft!!!! Maybe its just placebo effect since I've been on it less than a week. But I feel like I'm less negative right now. I haven't gotten mad every time I see a celebrity has a BFP. I don't get all weepy every time I'm alone with my thoughts. I know its little things, but its progress for sure. I got a nook last year and I finally figured out how to access free books from the public library. Its awesome!!!! I put a ton of books on my wish list. Some titles I was looking for weren't available as an ebook yet, but there are lots I'm interested in. Even a couple on IF and hypothyroid stuff. Woo! I'm a huge nerd and I love reading!!! Free books was one of the main reasons I wanted to get the nook in the first place. Other than that, not much is going on. Tick tock....

A good laugh for today

Someone sent me this link today. Even though I was at work I died laughing!!!! Maybe its just me....

http://www.iambetterthanyourkids.com

Hope it makes somebody else out there laugh too.

Problem solved!

So I just got back from the doc. This lady - I'll call her Brandy - is soooooo freaking nice! I wish all docs were like her. So she put me on Zoloft which is safe for TTC. I'll go back in 1 month to see how I feel. She didn't put me on anything long-term for the anxiety yet because like she pointed out, my anxiety attacks could be a manifestation of the depression. So she gave me ativan that you can take if you're actually having an anxiety attack. Obviously not once you get a BFP tho. :-) Its weird, when you struggle with anxiety, sometimes just knowing you have the option of taking something it quiets the anxiety a little. And not having a doctor totally dismiss everything you're saying like the Kelsey doc did in September helps. That bitch told me she couldn't see why I would be depressed about IF?!?!? Idiot!!!!!

Brandy also changed my BP medicine. I'm on a very small dose, but that Kelsey doc put me on one you can't take if you're TTC!!!! I told the Kelsey doc I was trying and working with an RE. And I specifically asked if that one was ok and she said we'll look into it IF I get pg. I guess she didn't believe I can get knocked up either. Hmph! Brandy told me today that if you take that one, it can prevent the baby's kidneys from developing!!!!! Arrgghhh!!!! That would have really been a terrible situation. Maybe there's a reason I haven't had my BFP yet after all...... God's waiting until all my meds are correct. :-) If only it were that simple....

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. When I got home last night I was having terrible ovulation pains, and then *poof* all gone.... Today nothing, no EWCM and no ovulation pains. Which would explain why the digital OPKs didn't work... I took it too late for the LH surge to trigger a positive.... I'm such an idiot sometimes!! hehe Of course I don't know why it triggered the other??? Maybe 1 is more sensitive???? *shrugs* Whatever, all that matter is we got in BDing on Wed and Thurs and probably tonight so my bases are covered.

I hope everybody has a nice weekend!

Some good news!

I'm sure I sound totally wacky right now.... Stupid clomid!!! Thanks to everyone who let me know that clomid messed with their emotions too!!!!

So on the way home last night I stopped at a pharmacy and got the Clear Blue OPKs.... the digital ones with the smiley face. I thought - Ha! I'll show you CBEFM!!!!! So tested last night and it was negative. This morning I took both OPKs... and the CBEFM gave me my LH surge and the digital one did not!!!!! WTF!?!???! I guess today since the CBEFM gave me the news I wanted to hear, that's the one I'm going to believe! HAHAHAHA Whatever, I'm just happy I finally got a positive on one of these damn sticks and it coincided with the EWCM I got yesterday. So we BD'd last night and I plan on making sure we cover the next few days.... Theoretically it only takes one good timed BD right???? ;-) Swim, little swimmers, Swim!!!

On to my mental health.... I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor to get something for depression and possibly something for anxiety. I feel terrible even admitting that to you guys. Here I bitch about White Trash taking stuff and I'm considering taking antidepressants. I realize there's a big difference between being a drug addict and fighting depression and from what I've read Zoloft is safe for TTC, but I still feel bad about it. I just can't take it anymore tho. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but every day something makes me cry. And its been like this for awhile, for months so this I can't blame on the clomid. I can feel it just beneath the surface at all times and I can't take it anymore. I really have to get control of this and sooner rather than later.

I've been pretty sure I have general anxiety disorder for awhile now. My mom was diagnosed with it a few years back and her therapist told her that her kids should be tested for it. I can usually keep the anxiety monster at bay. However in this IF struggle it has gotten out of control. I have minor anxiety attacks even before something fun like meeting friends for lunch. And I started the loom knitting thinking that would relax me but it flares up when I start a new project or am shopping for yarn. Seriously?!??! Who gets anxiety over shopping for yarn???? I realize how crazy I sound and it only makes me feel crazier for actually admitting it to someone else but I have come to the realization that something has to be done so I can get this under control. Even if by some miracle an egg got fertilized, I don't know if it could implant when my body is always in panic mode like this.

So tomorrow morning I have a doc appt which means I have to put my big girl panties on and tell the doctor that I'm not coping too well here. Fun times this IF journey is full of....

Don't worry, I'll talk to the RE before we do any further treatments to make sure he's ok with me being on Zoloft. I wouldn't do anything that goes against his better judgment. But I really need some help holding it together.

Thanks for listening! It makes it so much easier to get through this knowing you guys are out there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Frustrated

Does anyone out there have any luck with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM)? I'm on CD 12 and it hasn't even given me the high fertility sign yet. Typically it gives you high fertility for 4 - 5 days when your estrogen surges then peak fertility when you LH surges. Last month I got my high fertiity sign around CD 10. And I ovulated around day 14-15. Warning - TMI ahead - just now when I went to the restroom I had A TON of EWCM. And my cervix is open, so I know I'm getting to my fertile days. But why won't that stupid monitor act right???? It makes me so freaking mad I want to throw it into the wall. Guess I'll stop on the way home tonight and get the digital OPKs so I can have a backup in place.

I think clomid makes me feel hopeless. I hope its the clomid anyways..... I just feel like nothing's going to work. I feel terrible complaining about being hopeless when I know there are so many fellow IFers who have already gone through multiple IUIs or IVFs and still have the strength to march on.... Yesterday I googled clomid and hopelessness because I read it on another blog and there were some hits. It can exacerbate depression so that causes the hopelessness I guess. Isn't that a wonderful side effect? Hmph. And here I was so proud of me for not getting the rage I got last month. I think I'd rather have the rage than the hopelessness... Hubby probably wouldn't agree. hehe

I'm just rambling here without going in any direction. That's how blah I feel. I can't even come up with a point to my post.

I've been thinking this week maybe I need to go to the family doc to see about antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety. I can't stand being blue all the time. My husband can see it and has commented on it. I get severe anxiety just thinking about it. I've had docs minimize it before and then you just feel stupid. Plus I'm one of those people that hates having to ask for help. So it takes a lot for me to be able to work up to making an appt and explaining to the doc what I need.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer today. That's all i got for now tho...

A new project!

Thanks for all the comments about the hat I knitted!!!! So here's my stab at a dog sweater, being modeled by a friend's beagle puppy (we'll call her T). Mind you I was trying to make this for my fat little chihuahua so the sizing isn't perfect.

Pretty good for my first try, right???? The only thing I totally screwed up was the hem at the bottom of the sweater, which you can't see. But when I took it off the loom, I used the wrong stitch, so instead of it being stretchy, it doesn't have any give. Because of that snafu, there's no way it's going over Fat Lulu's head!!! hehe I don't know how I did that... Definitely something to figure out for the next time. But it was super easy and only took a few hours.

I'll try to post some pics of the loom knitting process this weekend. I'm serious when I say its the easiest craft I've ever taken up!!!! If you can hold a loom and wrap a yarn around all the pegs, you can loom knit!!!! T got one for herself after I showed her mine and she already made a hat on her own too!!!!

As far as the cycle goes, there's not too much going on right now.... Tonight is the last dose of clomid.... This time was A LOT better. I haven't been a bitch at all, if you ask me. hehe Last time I was filled with rage! This time, eh, not so much.... I should O somewhere around next weekend. Here goes nothing....

I've been thinking about what I want to do after this cycle. I know at my initial visit with this doc he said I'd do 2 clomid cycles, if that doesn't work do 2 cycles with the clomid, monitored and with a trigger shot. That's considered a timed intercourse cycle, right? If those 2 don't work, then IUI. But what is the difference stats-wise between a timed intercourse cycle and an IUI? If the IUI is a lot better, I'd rather just go for that. Does anyone have any information on the success rates?

Not too much going on this weekend. An excellent lunch at a Mexican restaurant with 2 friends tomorrow. Yum!!! I can't wait! The rest of the weekend is up in the air.

My latest project

So what do I do when I'm not wallowing in self-pity around here? I've started loom knitting!!!! Its sooo fun. Almost addictive! I know how nerdy that sounds.... but look at this hat I made in 2-3 hours!!! Its adult-sized and yes its pink like cotton candy and FUZZY!!!!! It makes me squeal just to look at it! hehe







I'm trying to figure out a way to make a hat for the dogs. I made a dog sweater.... but finished it wrong and its not stretchy at all so I'll have to keep working on it. I'll post a pic when I get one right.

Its definitely a nice distraction.... :-)