Finally!!

Today was the big appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results.... The good news is it was benign. The not-so-good-news, at least according to the doc is I definitely have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid. Seriously.... My body is trying to destroy itself?! That just figures.... Hmph. So I start .25 of thyroid medication tomorrow.

The truth is I was soooo happy to have that diagnosis!!! I just figured out I have too short of a luteal phase and one cause is hypothyroidism.... which all the prior blood test haven't shown... Hashimotos is hypothyroidism so I'm so happy that I was right... Something IS going in here.... Ladies, listen to your gut!!! I can't say it enough!!! Now does this guarantee that I'll be able to get pregnant or stay pregnant? No, but at least its something to try. I've read that some people with unexplained IF get pregnant after getting on thyroid meds. Hopefully that'll be the case. I guess time will tell. If anyone knows of any success stories, I'd love to hear it!!!

So I go back in 3-4 weeks and retest blood and see how this dose of thyroid is making me feel. She's also retesting my calcium. Apparently it was high last time. Unfortunately she said if it comes back high again they're referring me to a hematologist which is blood/oncology??? Gulp!!! I really don't think its cancer tho, I suspect its my parathyroids. I guess we'll see..... I'm not focusing on that right now... I just want to get into the next cycle to see if this med will make a difference.

Just the other day I was really feeling hopeless.... Its so hard when month after month there's no good news. When your body fails you at every chance it gets.... I felt like I couldn't face 1 more cycle.... but I feel like I have the smallest inkling of hope again! Maybe things will get better in the next few cycles!!! Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted! :-)

Frustrated

Just as I suspected the other day AF came in today. So once again this cycle is a bust. I'm so frustrated because this cycle was only 25 days long and my luteal phase must have only been about 8 days long. I'm pretty sure its physically impossible to get pg with a LP that short.

Its so aggravating that when the monitor (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor) wasn't picking up my LH surge, the one month my RE did u/s he said it looked like I was O'ing around day 14.... But I knew from years ago when the monitor was picking up my surges it said around day 17-18... I was so excited when the RE said Day 14!!! That gave me hope..... Now we're back to day 18?!?!? I'm pretty sure I must have a luteal phase defect (LPD) which I have suspected for a long time... Of course the RE didn't address a luteal phase defect because it didn't appear I had one. How can I find an RE that specializes in this sort of problem? Anybody know? If anyone has any positive experiences with a Houston RE I would love to hear about it!!!!

In other news I had a really good Thanksgiving holiday until AF came along and ruined it... Dinner with my family was amazingly smooth.... In fact I would call it enjoyable and it hasn't been that way in many many years. It was almost a Thanksgiving miracle!!! :-)

Well there was one negative thing at my mothers.... Some loser she knew from her alcoholic days was there with his skanky girlfriend who was 8 months pg.... They sat outside and ate so I really didn't even get a chance to speak to them. My mom tells me this chic is giving her baby up for adoption. I swear I felt my heart stop beating.... As in, are you telling me there's a person looking for an adoptive family in this very house?????? My mother noticed me perking up and proceeded to tell me that she has drank EVERY day of her pregnancy so far, in addition to smoking crack in the 1st trimester and smoking marijuana up until 7 months.... Real nice, huh? I'm pretty sure the adoption agency and the potential adoptive family has no knowledge of this... Thank God she wasn't doing any of this while we were there... My SIL CoachGirl, a fellow IFer, was livid right along beside me and we both would have flipped out on that chic if we would have seeen any of that. And bubbling up comes all the feelings of how unfair this IF business truly is.....

Midnight shopping was a huge success!!! Except I was totally not dressed for the occasion. I was running late and didn't change into tennis shoees and forgot my coat at home... So my high I got from all the bargain deals only lasted so long and I went home feeling beat at about 2:00 a.m. I could have made it a lot longer with better shoes at least. Oh well, I'm not complaining... I got a coach purse for $200 off the retail price! Jackpot!!!!!

Hope everyone else had a good holiday!

AF is on the way....

Well, ladies, I think this cycle is a bust..... as usual.... :-( AF is scheduled to arrive on Sat but I'm already cramping. And I always have cramps in my lower back so I don't think there's really a possibility they're actually implantation cramps. At least I have Darvocet left over from my biopsy so if the cramps even act like they're going to show up and ruin my holiday and night of shopping, I can beat them away with pain pills! Ha!

I'm still anxious about the upcoming appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results next Tues. And every single day this week so far I have had to wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning because of this stupid nodule making me cough. I have to drink water and use the Chloraseptic spray until it settles down again so I can go back to sleep. Stupid nodule!!! I really wish I was already scheduled for surgery at this point.

Guess I'm PMSing because as you can probably tell everything is making me cranky today. I'm hoping we get out of work early so I can go home and get some pain relief, but last year that didn't happen. Hmph. Oh well, only 7 more hours now.... Blah!!!

Anyhoo, hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, eats until you're ready to explode and for those die-hard shoppers, hope you find the deal of the century out there!! I'll be looking too! :-)

Waiting....

I'm officially in the 2ww now. Woo! We BD'd on some choice days I think. I even tried the instead cups. That was quite an experience. I thought for a minute I had lost that stupid cup and wasn't going to be able to find it much less get it out! hehe Now I've got it down to a science. ;-)

I'm a little concerned that my luteal phase is too short. I O'd around day 17 according to the CBEFM but I only have 26 day cycles. Sometimes 25 days even. That's not near long enough. So I start researching short luteal phases and what's one of the first things I find???? An enlarged thyroid can cause short LP. Gah!!!! That really kind of makes me mad!!! All these docs never suspected the thyroid and 30 secs with an endocrinologist and she can find it?!?!?! And if I would have listened to the GP I never would have made an appt with an Endo!!!! Its so aggravating. I've pretty much decided that whatever the results are from the biopsy I just want the damn thing removed!!! I don't want to have to do God-awful biopsies every 6 mos or year.... Just take it out and I'll take the thyroid pills. No biggie. Tons of people I know are on thyroid meds and they're all fine. Hmph!!!!

Good thing I'm a researching fool and I was able to find info on the thyroid connection to short LP. :-)

Counting down the days to Thanksgiving!!!! For the 1st year ever I'm more excited about the shopping than the food. :-) We're doing the midnight shopping at the local outlet mall again this year and I'm totally psyched!!!

Counting down the days to the biopsy results too.... That's the 30th so a little more than a week.... My bruises have faded to a lovely shade of green now and are so much more noticeable. Wonderful... People keep asking me what's on my neck.... Sigh....

That's all my news... How's everyone doing out there?

The Dreaded Thyroid Biopsy

So yesterday I was the Human Pin Cushion! Not a good day at all.... I scheduled a 3 hour glucose test for the morning. My blood sugar has been coming back a little elevated at 103 which technically isn't even pre-diabetes yet, but I am ALWAYS thirsty. So Dr Z said I could do a glucose test just to be sure. I have deep veins that roll and the chic doing the blood draws apparently isnt very good with that type of vein. She ended up getting all 4 draws out of my hands after digging in my arms. My hands were so bruised when I left I couldn't even put my hands in my pockets afterwards! Ugh!!

Then onto the thyroid biopsy. Let me tell you, if a doc ever suggests a biopsy of anything... I don't care if its my big toe... I'm going to want to be knocked out! It was brutal!!!! And I have a pretty high tolerance. I never had pain with any of the IF tests.... This was a different ballgame. They give you a shot of Lidocaine to start which feelsl like a wasp stinging you on your neck. Then the u/s tech locates the nodule and Dr Z uses the u/s image to guide the needle into the nodule directly. When the needle goes in there's immense pressure like someone is squeezing your neck and its scary to breathe and THEN she has to pump the plunger 3 times to aspirate the fluid. ARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me back up to when the MA prepped the room I noticed she put out 16 glass slides. I'm thinking I hope they can fill up more than 1 slide with each puncture.... Not the case. She had to aspirate each nodule 8 times!!!! So including the Lydocaine injections I got stabbed in the thyroid 19 times!!!!! I told you it was BRUTAL!

Finally its over and they give me a scrip for Darvocet. Thank God! And instruct me to go home and keep ice on it until bedtime to reduce bruising. I'm glad I took the whole day off and hadn't planned on going back to work. Fortunately DH a/k/a 5150 had driven me because by the timme I got to the waiting room I don't think I would have been able to drive. I guess your body releases endorphins or adrenaline or something from the pain so by the time I got of there I was dizzy and trembling and freezing cold. I came straight home and got on the couch while 5150 got my scrips and took care of me the rest of the day. :-)

I kept the ice on it for about 6-8 hours so when I woke up the bruising was minimal. There's one light bruise on the side kind of the size of a thumbprint and a few small red splotches but at least its not so bad I can't get out of the house without looking like a freak.

On a positive note I'm very confident that Dr Z is an excellent doc and if there's anything wrong she'll be able to handle it. She's got awards and certificates on the walls of her office from floor to ceiling. I won't get the results until Nov 30 tho!! Can you believe that???? 2 1/2 weeks to wait to find out if its cancer?!?! That's just cruel to me!!! But the lab takes 10 business days.

I had 2 good things happen this week tho. I found out this week that when my company moves offices in Dec I'm going to have my own office!!! For the first time ever!!!! I can't believe it I'm so excited!!!!

And for the first time in forever I GOT A POSITIVE OPK!!!!! I realize that's only 1/2 the battle but maybe my body is finally going to start acting right. And just in the nick of time. I was really feeling discouraged this cycle. I have to rely on CM and temps to figure out my ovulatioon and my temps are usually all over the board. So half the time I'm not even confident that we're BD'ing at the right time. Boy would that be a huge relief to me if I could just be able to rely on OPK's and feel fairly confident that I know when I'm ovulating. Whew!!! Maybe there's hope for this TTC journey yet.....

Dr. Z

So I saw the endocrinologist Dr Z today because my calcium levels were elevated at my last physical. At my first appt she said my thyroid is a little enlarged, we should do an ultrasound of the thyroid and parathyroid. Today at the ultrasound I knew it was going to be bad when the tech says "Dr Z you have to come look at this...." Holy crap! I have nodules on my thyroid over 1 cm. That doesn't sound too big but according to her 20% of the population has nodules smaller than 1cm and only 4% have nodules bigger than that. Of those people 10% have thyroid cancer.

So I have to go back Friday so she can do a needle biopsy of the nodules. Yes, she's going TO STAB ME IN THE THROAT WITH A NEEDLE!!! AARRGGHH!!! And with nothing other than Lidocaine. I'm soooo going to need something for my nerves. I guess this is what I get for trying to be proactive in my health for the first time in my life... a freaking needle in my neck!!!!

Now I can hear the Morbid Thoughts Monster knocking at the door, but we're not going to let him in right now. I will freak the #*@# out if I let him in and he makes himself at home. So we'll just turn off the porch light and pretend like we're not home. Go away Morbid Thoughts Monster, go away!

On a good note, Plain Jane is going through with the pregnancy. And I had a talk with mother aka Lt. Dan and told her when I'm having a good day, I'll ask for a progress update. Otherwise, we're not going to talk about it. Understood? She said ok... we'll see if she sticks to it.

So hopefully the biopsy goes well and I'll only have good things to report. Until then let's keep our fingers crossed. :-)

My breaking point

So what prompted me to finally start my own blog after months of stalking, I mean lurking other blogs? October was probably the hardest month I've had so far in this TTC journey.

First SIL Cake Girl had Baby #3. I knew that it was going to be hard on me but my meltdown was way worse than I thought it would be. Not because I wished anything bad to happen to her pregnancy or baby, but because holding that brand new baby gave me the most intense sadness I've ever had. Because what if that's something that I never get to experience? For every cycle that's a bust I can see the grain of sand fall from the hourglass that represents my fertility. Then there's the anger and bitterness and jealousy followed by shame and guilt for feeling so bitter and jealous. It's a baby... I should be jumping for joy for the family. Instead I'm Bitter McTwisted.

Exactly one week later, right after I tell my mother that I had a hard time being around Cake Girl's pregnancy and baby, she tells me SIL Plain Jane is pregnant. Isn't that fantastic.... Another 9 months of pregnant bellies and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.... And Plain Jane has a far worse case of endometriosis than I have and she gets prego in 3 months!!! That's right!!! Only 3 EFFING MONTHS!!!! ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week after that as we're in the hospital waiting room for my other SIL Coach Girl (last one I promise) to get out of BRAIN SURGERY my mother gives me the whopper of all whoppers causing me a meltdown of volcanic proportions.... Plain Jane is thinking about not having the baby. ARE YOU KIDDINNG ME??????? This is someone who's married, has a job, a house and health insurance and GOT OFF EFFING BIRTH CONTROL TO GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! It makes me question why would God give her a baby after 3 months of trying while torturing me for years and that ungrateful b*tch doesn't realize how effing lucky she is and might not keep it? I had to run to the bathroom of the hospital and UGLY CRY for a long time before I could even come out and be around people again. The rest of the day, actually the rest of the weekend I could barely hold myself together. Even now writing about it I am sad to the very core of my being.

Now I am going to have a talk with my mother telling her that when I'm having a good day I'll ask about people's pregnancies... otherwise, do not tell me anything. And I'll send a gift, but I will not be going to this baby shower. Hmph!!!!! Never mind the fact that her last baby shower was FILLED with girls who are having their 4th kid at the ripe old age of 23. I just can't take it anymore I'm afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps here, but I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper in the quicksand. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into self-protect mode and be checked out if I have to hear one more insensitive remark.

In non-IF news tomorrow I have a follow up with an endocrinologist, Dr. Z. When I had my physical this year my calcium level came back high. That's 2 years in a row. After doing some research the parathyroid gland causes excessive calcium. So I found Dr Z and at the first appt they redid all my bloodwork 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll get those results and they'll do an ultrasound of my thyroid and parathyroid. I have symptoms of hyperthyroid and insullin resistance even tho technically my blood levels are in the normal range. I know all of those things can contribute to IF so in an attempt to rule out every little thing I can think of, I'll be hoping Dr Z can figure out what's going on if there's something to be concerned about. Is it pathetic when you hope they DO find something.... That way I can say, "See there, that was the problem, now that we're fixing it there's hope for a BFP one of these days...." At this point I'm probably grasping at straws but what the hell is it going to hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Here goes nothing....

Hello All! I've been lurking for quite awhile now but I'm excited to reveal myself and officially joint the fun of blogging.

I'm mid-30's (when did that happen??) and DH and I have been married for 12 years. We just can't seem to do what everyone around me can do so easily, which of course, is to make a baby. I've been off b/c for about 10 years. I got pregnant twice but both ended in miscarriage within a week of getting the BFP. :-( We've now been hard-core TTC and peeing on sticks since April 09. Last summer I started getting endo symptoms and in Feb 10 the Gyno found 1 cyst on each ovary. I had a lap in May and she removed all spots of endo (stage 1 - whew!). She also popped the cyst that was still hanging around. That's right - she popped with a needle! Ouch!! Also had the HSG, you know, "while we were in there" which revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

At that point we'd been TTC for 1 year so I started seeing a RE. OPK's NEVER come up positive for me so I figured I wasn't ovulating. RE did ultrasounds and found I do O. According to him, for a small percentage of women, the LH surge isn't enough to trigger an OPK. Anyone else ever heard of this??? I've been tested for PCOS, karyotyped, had an HSG, post-coital test, and DH had a SA. All came back normal. Guess I'm officially Unexplained IF. The next appointment will be to discuss pros and cons of IUI v IVF. I know IVF is out of the question financially. Hopefully IUI is within my reach and I can do that early 2011.

I'm probably going to switch RE's before going too much farther as this clinic has done things that give me a bad feeling. Once when I called to make a follow up appt, the nurse tells me "So you're going with IVF? Your b/c pills are ready to be picked up." I had a total meltdown as the RE has not even discussed ANY treatment options!!! She was looking at the wrong chart. Hmph!! I'm thinking if they can't even keep the charts straight, how can I trust them to keep other things straight???

I have a lot of blessings tho - DH, friends, family (even tho sometimes they make things worse with ignorant comments), a good job, a decent house, and 3 little dogs that crack me up every single day!!! They'll probably pop up on here from time to time. :-)

I'm sure I'm leaving a lot of stuff out. I'm just hoping this blog will help me to keep what little sanity I have left most days.... :-)