I know this sounds awful but I don't allow myself to pee on HPT's EVER. Its a pact I made with myself that I'm only allowed a HPT if AF is actually late. Why you might ask? Because I can't stand the hope that will inevitably sneak in as I wait those 3 minutes... just to come crashing down when there's only 1 line. So that little bitch AF didn't show up on time... I know she's doing this just to fuck with me.... She was due yesterday and I am NEVER late.... So as the day progressed I started to get little twinges of hope.... what if this is THE cycle!!?!? Mind you, I have no symptoms, real or imaginary.... This morning I caved and took the stupid test. OF COURSE I got a stupid BFN... I don't know why I thought it would be anything else.... Stupid AF, stupid pee sticks of hope and stupid me for letting it get to me!!! ARRGGHHH!!!!
One funny thing tho, I remember my dream right before I woke up... I had peed on the stick and left it to cook for its 3 mins... when someone walked up and said they already looked at it and it was negative.... I slapped that guy across the face with all the strength I had in my body... Literally the second the slap was over the alarm went off... Guess I'm tired of BFN's even in my dreams... So like I said in the title... Sigh....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Black Swan
So the hubby and I just got back from watching Black Swan. Wow!!!! The previews barely give you a glimpse into what a dark and twisted movie this becomes. That being said, I LOVED IT!!! :-) Its one of those crazy movies that you have to ponder for awhile after its over to work it out in your head.
After the movie was over I was standing in the hallway waiting for the hubby to come out of the bathroom and you could see little groups of people huddled together discussing their theories.
Natalie Portman was soooooo good in it!!! She had to have taken ballet as a child. Just now I was researching it and the last 2 monthws before the movie started filming she spent 8 hours a day between swimming, toning, and ballet. It shows in her performance!!! I just wish it was a book so I could read it too!
It's a total trip but if you like movies like that I recommend it! :-)
After the movie was over I was standing in the hallway waiting for the hubby to come out of the bathroom and you could see little groups of people huddled together discussing their theories.
Natalie Portman was soooooo good in it!!! She had to have taken ballet as a child. Just now I was researching it and the last 2 monthws before the movie started filming she spent 8 hours a day between swimming, toning, and ballet. It shows in her performance!!! I just wish it was a book so I could read it too!
It's a total trip but if you like movies like that I recommend it! :-)
Just when I thought it was safe.....
Yesterday my mother invited me to go roller skating with her and my nephew Z. Also my SIL Cakegirl and her kiddos. I show up in a good mood then she tells me that Plain Jane is coming too. Hmph!!! I am still mad at her for the whole fiasco that she didn't know if she was going to keep the baby that she conceived ON PURPOSE. I've told my mother she isn't allowed to speak to me about the remainder of the pg unless I ask. Apparently she doesn't think that applies to telling me if she's going to show up at an event. I know I really sound like a HUGE bitch right now.... but its just so hard to be around someone that's showing right now... especially HER.
So we're standing there and I ask if my bro is going to roller skate too and Plain Jane pipes up that SHE'S going to roller skate. I tell her "You can't roller skate." She says "Why not?" I tell her again "You can't roller skate!" Again she asks why not. I know I was staring daggers at her by now. I tell her "You can't skate when you're 5 months pregnant because what do you think will happen IF YOU FALL?" She says "I was fine last time." Well folks, I guess that sums it up...... I gave her one last GO TO HELL look and walked off.
And yes, SHE IS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND GOT OUT THERE ON FUCKING ROLLER SKATES AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO FALL AT ANY MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do stupid people who don't deserve to be parents achieve it so easily? Just when I was thought I was getting over my bitterness it has reared its ugly head!
So we're standing there and I ask if my bro is going to roller skate too and Plain Jane pipes up that SHE'S going to roller skate. I tell her "You can't roller skate." She says "Why not?" I tell her again "You can't roller skate!" Again she asks why not. I know I was staring daggers at her by now. I tell her "You can't skate when you're 5 months pregnant because what do you think will happen IF YOU FALL?" She says "I was fine last time." Well folks, I guess that sums it up...... I gave her one last GO TO HELL look and walked off.
And yes, SHE IS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND GOT OUT THERE ON FUCKING ROLLER SKATES AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO FALL AT ANY MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do stupid people who don't deserve to be parents achieve it so easily? Just when I was thought I was getting over my bitterness it has reared its ugly head!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Booty, Booze and Broads
The title is a line from my new obsession - watching the old episodes of Dallas! Yes, the Dallas from the 70's with big flowing Texas hair and that snake - JR Ewing.... CMT played the first few episodes a couple of weekends back and I was hooked right away so we've been watching a couple of episodes a night since then. :-) I was surprised how progressive the story lines were...
First of all they have an IF story line!!!! I could not believe what I was watching!!! Sue Ellen and JR have been married for 7 years and cant' get pg.... Their problem is more from him not wanting to perform his marital duties... but still I was blown away by some of hour outbursts.... How on the money they were... Then there's a scene where the old lady of the house suggests that Sue Ellen look into adoption. She's worried nobody will accept a baby that's not a proper Ewing and the old lady says "Any child that comes into this house IS a Ewing." It honestly made me tear up.... Maybe just because I'm PMSing but I can't believe how open they were to adoption back then!!! Of course in true Hollywood fashion, she'll end up prego before the end of the season.... but I was still impressed with how they handled the IF.
Then there's a scene where a pregnant girl is smoking and they scold her. Again I couldn't believe it. Because this was filmed in 78... and in 75 when my mom was pregnant with me she smoked every day of the pregnancy..... Didn't even cut back! And it was perfectly acceptable.
Enough about that... I just couldn't believe how relevant that show could be today!
AF should be here tomorrow or Monday... but I'm ok with it. I've ordered some of the cheapie OPK sticks online and this cycle I am DETERMINED to catch my LH surge if it kills me!! Let the POAS marathon commence!!! :-)
Monday I'm going to make an appt with a new RE. My friend goes to him and she really likes him. I tried to make an appt Friday... I called at 1:38 and of course they closed at 1:30. I'm sure I'll be able to get in sometimes during this cycle. I'm hoping to do my 1st clomid/progesterone cycle in FEb. I guess we'll see what happens...
That's all for now. I hope things are going well for all of you out there.
First of all they have an IF story line!!!! I could not believe what I was watching!!! Sue Ellen and JR have been married for 7 years and cant' get pg.... Their problem is more from him not wanting to perform his marital duties... but still I was blown away by some of hour outbursts.... How on the money they were... Then there's a scene where the old lady of the house suggests that Sue Ellen look into adoption. She's worried nobody will accept a baby that's not a proper Ewing and the old lady says "Any child that comes into this house IS a Ewing." It honestly made me tear up.... Maybe just because I'm PMSing but I can't believe how open they were to adoption back then!!! Of course in true Hollywood fashion, she'll end up prego before the end of the season.... but I was still impressed with how they handled the IF.
Then there's a scene where a pregnant girl is smoking and they scold her. Again I couldn't believe it. Because this was filmed in 78... and in 75 when my mom was pregnant with me she smoked every day of the pregnancy..... Didn't even cut back! And it was perfectly acceptable.
Enough about that... I just couldn't believe how relevant that show could be today!
AF should be here tomorrow or Monday... but I'm ok with it. I've ordered some of the cheapie OPK sticks online and this cycle I am DETERMINED to catch my LH surge if it kills me!! Let the POAS marathon commence!!! :-)
Monday I'm going to make an appt with a new RE. My friend goes to him and she really likes him. I tried to make an appt Friday... I called at 1:38 and of course they closed at 1:30. I'm sure I'll be able to get in sometimes during this cycle. I'm hoping to do my 1st clomid/progesterone cycle in FEb. I guess we'll see what happens...
That's all for now. I hope things are going well for all of you out there.
Friday, January 7, 2011
What a week....
Nothing fertility-related really to report. I had only 2 days of EWCM this week... no ovulation pain or spotting like last month, no positive OPK... so maybe this cycle was a total bust? Or maybe I did O but it wasn't as strong as last month? Who the eff knows anymore.....
Work was pretty awful this week. My 2 bosses just kept piling more and more stuff on me. Thank God T started this week!! Her boss didn't give her much this week so she really helped me out on a HUGE project that I hate! So thank God for that!!!!
Went to the doc and got 800mg ibuprofen for the jaw problem and that helped so much!!! It feels like its going away again. Also got prescription allergy meds and cough drops so I'm actually feeling a lot better now! Thanks for all the well wishes! I hope that's the last I see from the TMJ for a long long time... If it does flare up again, I think I definitely want to try the acupuncture route. Hopefully we won't have to worry about that tho.
Other than that back on track with the diet.... Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and after the week I had I just want to go to Mickey D's and get something hot and greasy.... but I won't since I have to face the scale tomorrow....
Just feeling kind of blah today... I hope everyone can excuse my foul mood.... Hopefully it won't last too much longer....
Work was pretty awful this week. My 2 bosses just kept piling more and more stuff on me. Thank God T started this week!! Her boss didn't give her much this week so she really helped me out on a HUGE project that I hate! So thank God for that!!!!
Went to the doc and got 800mg ibuprofen for the jaw problem and that helped so much!!! It feels like its going away again. Also got prescription allergy meds and cough drops so I'm actually feeling a lot better now! Thanks for all the well wishes! I hope that's the last I see from the TMJ for a long long time... If it does flare up again, I think I definitely want to try the acupuncture route. Hopefully we won't have to worry about that tho.
Other than that back on track with the diet.... Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and after the week I had I just want to go to Mickey D's and get something hot and greasy.... but I won't since I have to face the scale tomorrow....
Just feeling kind of blah today... I hope everyone can excuse my foul mood.... Hopefully it won't last too much longer....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
CD 14
I finally got EWCM... not a lot but a little. No change on the fertility monitor tho.... Still waiting....
I don't know if any of you watch HIMYM but last night's episode hit a little too close to home... For those of you who don't watch the married couple has just started TTC and last night had their first visit with the RE. The husband and wife were both anxious and of course, true to Hollywood style, nothing appears to be wrong... but at the end of the episode the husband's dad dies of a heart attack. Just kick me in my stones, why don't you???? My FIL died this year and we're in the midst of the IF battle too.. All of our tests have come back normal too.... but that doesn't mean much in the land of IF.
The dentist appt has caused a flare-up of my TMJ which was corrected by surgery in 1987. I haven't had a single bout of TMJ since.... but 2 hours of holding my jaw open for the teeth cleaning and here it is again. I'm really pissed about it. I knew there was a reason I dreaded the dentist more than any other!! I'd rather go to 10 appts with the OB/GYN or RE than just 1 appt with the dentist. Guess I was right to be worried about it. I'm sure it'll go down after a few more days, it just sucks that its back for now.
I don't know if any of you watch HIMYM but last night's episode hit a little too close to home... For those of you who don't watch the married couple has just started TTC and last night had their first visit with the RE. The husband and wife were both anxious and of course, true to Hollywood style, nothing appears to be wrong... but at the end of the episode the husband's dad dies of a heart attack. Just kick me in my stones, why don't you???? My FIL died this year and we're in the midst of the IF battle too.. All of our tests have come back normal too.... but that doesn't mean much in the land of IF.
The dentist appt has caused a flare-up of my TMJ which was corrected by surgery in 1987. I haven't had a single bout of TMJ since.... but 2 hours of holding my jaw open for the teeth cleaning and here it is again. I'm really pissed about it. I knew there was a reason I dreaded the dentist more than any other!! I'd rather go to 10 appts with the OB/GYN or RE than just 1 appt with the dentist. Guess I was right to be worried about it. I'm sure it'll go down after a few more days, it just sucks that its back for now.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Ringing in the New Year
NYE was fun. We went to Cake Girl's house and had quite a spread of sandwiches and chips and dips! And of course a little bubbly to ring in the new year. :-) New Years Day was pretty good too. Went to my mom's and surprisingly there was no drama. Well, Plain Jane is showing now so I just had to do my best to clench my teeth and be a grown up and swallow down my jealousy and bitterness. Fun times....
Oh yeah, one of my poor pups had a seizure on New Years Day!!! It was terrible. She was sitting on this little stool and fell off and was spasming out of control. It was soooo awful!!! They look so scared when that happens. It breaks my heart! That's the first seizure she's ever had but I've seen Cake Girl's dog have them and its just awful!!!! I just held her until it was over and for about 45 mins after that she was as limp as a dishrag in my lap. Then she had some water and got up and went back to playing. 5150 stayed home with her the rest of the day while I went to my moms to make sure she was ok. Guess we'll be keeping an eye on her and hoping it doesn't happen again. :-(
It was so hard to come back to work today!!!!! Ugh!!!!! I feel out of sorts from all the long weekends in December. A friend I used to work with at another place started at my firm today so that was one thing to look forward to. She's really nice and I hope she likes it here.
Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation... Grrrr!!!!! The last time I got a positive OPK on the Clear Blue monitor I got a high fertility reading by day 12.... and O wasn't until day 17-18... I'm worried its not going to happen at all this month. Blah!!!! Its not looking good.... I haven't even had a drop of stretchy much less EWCM .... Usually I have that by now. I am totally hating my body right now... Why can't it do what its supposed to and just O on time and tell me beforehand so I can get in some well-timed BD'ing?!?!?!?! ARGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO frustrated!!!!!!
Oh yeah, one of my poor pups had a seizure on New Years Day!!! It was terrible. She was sitting on this little stool and fell off and was spasming out of control. It was soooo awful!!! They look so scared when that happens. It breaks my heart! That's the first seizure she's ever had but I've seen Cake Girl's dog have them and its just awful!!!! I just held her until it was over and for about 45 mins after that she was as limp as a dishrag in my lap. Then she had some water and got up and went back to playing. 5150 stayed home with her the rest of the day while I went to my moms to make sure she was ok. Guess we'll be keeping an eye on her and hoping it doesn't happen again. :-(
It was so hard to come back to work today!!!!! Ugh!!!!! I feel out of sorts from all the long weekends in December. A friend I used to work with at another place started at my firm today so that was one thing to look forward to. She's really nice and I hope she likes it here.
Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation... Grrrr!!!!! The last time I got a positive OPK on the Clear Blue monitor I got a high fertility reading by day 12.... and O wasn't until day 17-18... I'm worried its not going to happen at all this month. Blah!!!! Its not looking good.... I haven't even had a drop of stretchy much less EWCM .... Usually I have that by now. I am totally hating my body right now... Why can't it do what its supposed to and just O on time and tell me beforehand so I can get in some well-timed BD'ing?!?!?!?! ARGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO frustrated!!!!!!
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