One Cycle at a Time

Going on hiatus

2011-10-18T09:56:00.004-05:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again I love my in-laws! This last weekend was really hectic, I had a baby shower to go to and my nephew's 1st birthday to go to. Yes, I went to a baby shower. Back when I started getting caught up in all this IF, I swore there's only 2 or 3 baby showers I will ever go to. It was for one of my BFFs and I'm so excited she's finally getting her miracle and there's no way I would have missed it. Was I a little sad when I looked around the room and realized I'm the only person there without kids? Yes. Fortunately I found some inner strength and made it through without incident.

Then it was off to the bday party. I've already said before that for some reason my nephew is more of a marker of my IF journey than anyone else. Maybe its because my SIL got pg on accident after I had already been trying for a year, even had a lap surgery, and still no BFPs. He was the first of the rash of pgs that would become my personal hell! HAHA Anyhoo, the party was nice, I genuinely love that little baby and even tho it was a little painful, I made it through. Maybe I'm finally getting past some of the pain of IF.

But after the party I had a real heart-to-heart with my MIL and SIL. Anyone who knows me IRL knows that's very rare. I don't open up very often. My SIL acknowledged that she knew it was a hard day for me and thanked me for being there and asked how I was doing. Wow! Its such a blessing to have someone GET me and what I'm going through, even tho she's never gone through it.

Anyways, I finally told them what all was going on with my mother and that side of the family. Maybe it sounds stupid, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, the number 1 rule is to keep the family secrets. I keep most of what goes on with my family hidden, cause I worry what if I ever have kids, and my family is around my in-laws, I don't want my in-laws going in with a bad opinion. If that makes sense. However, seeing as how I don't know if I'll ever have kids, I just put it all out there. Their acceptance and love and support was overwhelming. They told me I shouldn't force myself to go over there at the holidays out of some ridiculous feeling of guilt or duty.... And I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let myself out of holidays with them and not feel guilty.

Looking back at all the get-togethers we've had and my mom has done or said something shitty... like having a drunk pregnant woman at Thanksgiving or telling me about the abortion that White Trash had or Plain Jane was thinking of having or telling me she's going to start drinking again.... Its like she's doing it on purpose to hurt me. And I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to berate myself about it anymore. It is what it is. I shouldn't have to force myself to be a part of it. I should get to enjoy the holidays too. So this year's holiday is going to be momentous for me. I might have been raised to always be "the perfect child" but I don't have to stay a slave to that role for one more minute!!!!!

Guess that's all for now. Sorry there's not much going on the TTC front. There's just really nothing to report. I feel bad that this blog has become nothing but angry ramblings about my dysfunctional family. I know that's not what you all signed up to read.

So I'm thinking I need to make some changes.

I'm thinking of starting law school next fall. I know, where did that come from???? I cannot spend 100% of my focus on getting pg or not getting pg. I cannot waste anymore of my life on something I can't control. Right now, finances are such that I can't pursue treatments really. So whatever happens, happens. But I can control my career and putting my God-given talents to use. And that's what I'm focusing on here on out. I'll take the LSAT in December. I have to have everything turned in by Feb for admittance next fall. It feels good to take the focus off of how my body is failing me. After almost 3 years of focusing on nothing but CM and cervical position and O pains and 2wws, I'm just tired. I have to have something else to concentrate on. I'm still following everyone's stories and am happy for all of you who have gotten your BFPs recently but I think I'm going on hiatus for awhile. Not sure if I'll still post here or start a new blog about going to law school when you're 36 and whatever other adventures I come across.... but I'll still be around.

Good luck to everyone!

Feeling lost

2011-09-29T09:14:00.004-05:00

The truth is I've been in a weird funk recently.... I'm tired of spending all my time worrying about TTC. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. Maybe I've lost hope... I just am starting to feel like its time to move on... I'm so tired of spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.... I'm tired of having to be jealous or bitter because everyone around me is blessed with the one thing I want.... I just feel done.

One thing that prompted this attitude change is what else but my frustrating mother. I ended up not going on the out-of-town trip with her. That was supposed to be this week. Work is crazy right now and I can't really take off 3 days in a row right now. But also because I have no doubt she would upset me. I was talking to her the other day about my brother who lost his home in the fire and she starts bringing up the Outlaw and White Trash.

Apparently they're both back on drugs. He's on speed and "dope", whatever that is. She's on meth and pain pills... He has a pending court case still that he goes back to court in October. If he's caught using, I'm sure his sentence will be much harsher. Of course his PO isn't drug testing him... Don't know why he's getting away with it AGAIN... So the other day, they were both coming down, she was holding the 6 week old baby and they got into a fist fight... Really??? And now the 2 drug addicts are going to be alone with that infant for the next 3-4 days on their own. Will they feed and change him? Who knows... Its really a terrible situation. And so sad that you can't trust grownups with their own child....

I told my mother I don't want to her about them anymore because its very frustrating to me. She's totally insensitive and doesn't understand of course, but I really do not want to hear anymore about this situation that they have totally caused for themselves... Why couldn't they give this baby up for adoption.... Sigh...

It just breaks my heart that these 2 idiots can have a child and not even try to do anything right and I'm stuck here in limbo... I told my mom CPS should take the baby just to be mean... and her response is "it would kill the baby"... not that it would kill either of the parents, cause let's face it, they don't give a fuck... I swear, whoever is in control of the universe has an awful sense of humor....

So for my own sanity, I have got to find something else to focus my life on... I just don't think I can keep doing this. I cannot stay in this constant fragile mental state I am in. I think I might have found something that would take the focus off of myself and my fertility problems. It would be huge and take a lot of work to get to, so I won't go into too many details right now... I'll let everyone know if it comes closer to fruition.

Hope you're all doing well out there.

No. 36 came and went...

2011-09-19T16:27:00.004-05:00

Saturday was my 36th bday. It came and went without too much fanfare or heartache. The weekend was absolutely crazy. We had a wedding to go to Sat night. So I took Friday off to get my nails done and so the hubby could get some new tires on my car and an oil change and all that not-fun stuff I never want to do. Saturday as we're leaving the neighborhood to get haircuts and outfits for the wedding and we get rear-ended!!!! It was minor but any car accident shakes me up for a bit. Then Sunday I go to buy some new work pants and tell hubby I'll be home in an hour and when I go to leave the store the damn car battery is dead!!! Seriously!!!! My car had a better bday than I did. Hmph! Sooooo aggravating!!!!!!

Anywho, Fri night I did shed a few tears... My usual IF bday drama... Here I am turning 36 and no closer to even getting a BFP then I was when we started trying over 2 years ago when I was only 33. In just 1 month, my nephew turns 1 year old - this is the one that my SIL got pg with after we'd already been trying for 1 year with no results. So to me, I equate that nephew, more so than the others, with how long its been since we started trying.

So far CoachGirl's pg is going smoothly. I'm very happy for her, they've been trying about as long as we have.... but it completes the circle. EVERY female friend or relative I have has been able to get pg since we've started trying.... And what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing....

2 weekends ago I spend the day with my mom and it turns out the situation with White Trash ended up every bit as messed up as we thought it would. She watches baby AJ during the day while my mom's at work. But as soon as my mom comes home she hands the baby to her and asks if my mom will watch the baby while she goes outside to smoke. They never come back for the baby. They disappear all night without telling my mom where they're going.... I'm sure its drug-related... And the baby sleeps with my mom every night. My mom seems exhausted, more than usual. When we had my nephew's bday party at the bowling alley 2 weeks ago, my mom brought baby AJ with her. Neither one of his parents even came to the party!!!! Its just all on my mom.... And he's such a good little baby. Oddly tho, he's VERY alert for a 6 week old baby. His eyes were open the whole time! I've never seen a baby that age that awake. Don't know if that's residual from the mother's drug use or what... Of course, he has some health issues with the cleft lip/pallett and is already looking at surgery at the end of the month. But all I could think about was how much I wished they would have let me adopt him. I would have provided him with love and a good home... but I guess its just not meant to be....

Update

2011-09-13T11:14:00.002-05:00

My brother and his family are hanging in there. Donations have been pouring in from coworkers and friends, which means the world to me. My firm raised a nice chunk of change which I was so excited to give my brother at my nephew's bday party this last weekend. I know every little bit will help. We're still working on getting them into a furnished apt. Hopefully by the end of the week. And my bro is also going to go to my doc this week to get something for anxiety/depression. I asked him how he was doing emotionally and he said awful. Every night he wakes up with nightmares about fires. I feel so terrible for him. We're all doing what we can to pitch in tho.

Also, they found their dogs ALIVE!!!! They made it out of the fire!!!!!!! Of course now they have to figure out what to do while they're in the apt. Those dogs are way too big for apt living... But I'm going to try to talk them into letting the dogs stay with relatives. I know how hard that is. I had to scatter my dogs with all my relatives when I was relocated after Hurrican Ike, and it was sooo hard, but in the end we all came back together and I'm grateful I was able to feel like I was having a normal, stable life while everything was being rebuilt.

Its funny.... Focusing on his disaster has totally lifted me out of my pit of despair. I guess seeing a tragedy like this up close will do that to you. My bday is Sat and for the last few months I've been dreading it.... turning 36 without even a BFP under my belt... Plus last 2 weeks ago Coach Girl texted me that she's finally pg too!!!!! Believe me, I was bitter party of 1 all day.... I mean, seriously, every single female relative or BFF I have has gotten pg in the time we've been trying... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I wonder what God is trying to tell me...

But now, I find myself barely able to get worked up about my usual IF drama....To sit in your house and look around the room and think - if the fire dept showed up and said I had 10 minutes to get out, what would I grab.... what would I not be able to grab... Well, that really puts things in perspective. I've been so focused on trying to get help to my brother and that makes me feel good about myself. I really should have gone into some sort of helping field. Maybe it would help keep the pit of despair at bay...

AF should rear her ugly head today.... But, whatever....

I finally got a smart phone and OMG!!!!!! I can't even believe what this phone can do. Its soooo amazing!!!!!!! Maybe now I'll be able to figure out how to post more pics on here..... Its addictive, that's for sure!!

Anywho, I guess that's what's been taking up all my time and energy lately...

The irony of it....

2011-09-07T14:58:00.004-05:00

My coworkers have been so wonderful in response to the news of my brother's house!!!!! Many people have already brought clothes, diapers, bottles to me which I'm taking to him tonight. I've even had someone donate a swing!!! It brings tears to my eyes.

The bitch of it is, everyone that stops by that doesn't know why I have baby stuff in my office says excitedly "Are you having a baby?!?!?" Grrrr!!!!! If you only knew, people, if you only knew.....

I'm not complaining tho. I'm so happy to be able to help them right now. There are pics of their neighborhood on the local news websites. Unfortunately, they lived in a mobile home so when I say it burned to the ground, I mean to the ground. There's not a single possession left. Its so sad. Many people were displaced by the fire so I pray they all find shelter and help to get back on their feet.

Heavy heart

2011-09-06T10:13:00.003-05:00

Its with a heavy heart that I write this post. This last weekend was rough emotionally. I had planned a post in my head about my little pity party I'm having when I got worse news first thing this morning. My brother and Plain Jane's house burned down last night. :-( I'm soooooo sick about it. They live in Montgomery, Texas where the wildfires were burning yesterday. I talked to PJ this morning. Basically the police showed up with bullhorns and everyone had 15 mins to evacuate!!!! I mean, can you even imagine??? No time to grab family heirlooms and everything you would want to preserve. So they loaded the 5 year old, 2 month old and family cat in her car. She drives a small Saturn. My bro drives a motorcycle. They could not even load up their dogs!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach to even type this but they had to open the gate and let them go and pray they make it safely. I can't even imagine anything as horrible as that. They went to her mom's with nothing but the clothes on their backs and 1 change of clothes each. Everything is gone......

I know they have insurance but I also know what a lengthy process that is after what I went through with the hurricane. They don't have much money especially since they have med bills this year from my bro being in the hospital then her being in the hospital having the baby.

I'm devastated for them. I'm so sick right now I can't even think about anything else.

Anyways, if you would all be so kind to send out extra prayers or vibes or whatever it is that you believe in, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This pharmacy is killing me!!!

2011-08-23T09:05:00.004-05:00

Turns out that Pon.stel made a HUGE difference!!!!! Friday was the worst day of the cycle, I had some cramping but that was the heaviest day so that's to be expected. The cramps were just a fraction of what they were last month. But after that one day, there were no cramps and the cycle was practically over by Sun!!! Woohoo!!!!!

Needless to say I was very excited to pick up my prescription yesterday. Its a sad day when having a "normal" cycle gets a person this excited. Anyways I get to the pharmacy and they tell me its going to be $400!!!! For 30 pills!!! Yes, 4-0-0!!! I basically told the pharmacist they're crazy and I'm NOT GOING TO PAY $400 FOR 30 PILLS!!!!! I should have known this was too good to be true..... Now what??? Back to the drawing board I guess. I'll call the doc's office and tell the nurse and see if they'll either send me more samples or call out 500mg naproxen...

I'm still fuming about it!!!!

Oh and one other thing - I went to one of those jewelry parties people have at their houses on Friday night with one of my BFFs who is 6 mos pregnant. First of all the jewelry was WAY WAY overpriced. I felt bad about it but I didn't buy anything. Fortunately we didn't have to stay long. So as we're leaving all the smokers who are sitting outside stop and start the "when I was pregnant" gab. Mind you, these women are all upper-class, professional women wearing designer clothes and shoes. Frankly, they were a little snobbish. And 1 of them had the nerve to say when her daughter was a baby, she hated the baby phase. Yes, that's right. She said out loud how she hated the baby phase, hated everything about it, how horrible it was. Now that her daughter is 3, she likes it a lot better. Gee, I'm glad you finally like your kid, Lady! Then a 2nd one chimes in about how horrible the baby phase was to her too - the crying, the colic, the demanding infant... Why would they tell all this terrible stuff to someone that is pregnant?? These are seemingly educated women that are married and got pregnant on purpose. Did they not know going in that babies cry?? So effing irritating!!!!!

Normally I don't wish IF on anyone, but I really wish they had some notion of the struggle some women have to go through to get what they completely take for granted. I know being a parent is hard. Probably the hardest thing you can do. And I know there are nights moms cry themselves to sleep because they think they did the wrong thing with their child, or had a hard day or whatever. But I'm sure if you asked any mother if she would rather go to sleep crying because she had a hard day as a parent, or if she'd rather go to sleep crying because she CAN'T have kids, I'm prettty sure I know which choice they would make.

At least the night ended on a good note. We went to another friend's house and split a bottle of wine (not the pregnant friend of course) and ended up having a great time. Turns out the after party was waayyyyyy better than the actual party!! :-)

Same ol, same ol....

2011-08-22T09:57:00.002-05:00

AF showed up Friday as expected. I took the new meds. They helped some. Friday afternoon I had a decent amount of cramps, but it was less than the last 2 months, so they helped a little. I'll try them again and see. Of course, I had to take way more than the recommended dose.... As long as I can get some relief tho!

Don't know what to do about the trip with my mom. I called her Fri and thanked her for inviting me. She was her usual lovely self. *rolls eyes* So I ask her what we're going to do while we're out of town. She breaks out that she wants us to have drinks!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?!? After 4 1/2 years of sobriety, she's going to drink again????? Now I'm freaking out again. I don't think I can go with her if she plans on drinking. Or should I go to make sure she doesn't? She repeatedly told me when she first got sober that if she drank again, she's going to try to kill herself AGAIN. Thanks, Mom! I can't get that out of my head. She is a textbook alcoholic and can not drink casually is the bottom line. Guess I'm going to have to ask her straight up if she's really planning on going back to drinking. If she's going to drink, I'm staying home. :-(

Doctor appt.

2011-08-15T16:20:00.003-05:00

So my doctor's visit was very anti-climactic. :-) Told the doc about all my pains. He said he's fine with waiting until Jan for insurance reasons. In the meantime he gave me Ponstel or mafenic acid (sp?) to try for the pain. That scrip is $90!!!! Fortunately he gave me samples to try first and told me there's a coupon online. Sure enough, I should be able to get it for only $20 with that coupon!!!! Love that doc!!!!! If the pharmacy refuses the coupon, I'll be calling and asking for good ol' 800mg ibuprofen.

I told him I was worried he'd go in and there wouldn't be very much in there even tho I have pain. He was very sympathetic and told me even one spot the size of a pin prick can cause a lot of pain so not to worry about that. I'll be going back in Dec to get the ball rolling on getting the lap set up for January.

Of course going on b/c pills is always an option and might help minimize pain and will help the surgery a little because you'll have less inflammation when you go in. But he said he understands if I don't want to go that route because we're TTC. If I decide to go on the pills, he'll call them out.

Really, that's the only 2 avenues - pain relief until the lap to remove the endo and/or b/c pills. I already knew that going down there tho, so no big surprises.

AF should arrive Wed or Thurs... Here's hoping the new stuff helps.

2 thumbs up!

2011-08-13T14:52:00.003-05:00

I just got back from watching the movie The Help. It was soooooo good!!!! It sold out this morning, but luckily we got there early enough to grab a seat. I had read the book and I rave to anyone who will listen how good it is. I was worried the movie would be a disappointment. But I think given their time constraints, they did a fantastic job. Naturally there were a few scenes that had to be left out. I was worried it would be sanitized for the general public, the message wouldn't come across. But the movie did a great job capturing most of the same emotions the book did. A couple of the darker scenes were left out, but still all in all, it was a great movie. Even DH liked it. He said it was one of the best he had seen in the last few years. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.... even DH's eyes.

Warning to IFers tho - there is a miscarriage scene. The book focuses more on that issue than the film did though.

Anywho I'd like to hear from anyone else that saw it what their opinion is. Last night I told my dad I was going to see it. And he tells me a lady he knows that saw it was disappointed - that they portrayed people who think they're better than everyone else. Um, so not the point!!! If that's ALL that lady took out of that film.... She's really clueless!

So this morning I got a text from my mom asking if I want to go on a road trip with her and a girlfriend of hers that will be visiting from out of town. 3 whole days together!??!?!? I don't know... we didn't talk at all this week.... maybe this is an olive branch from her. Maybe I should try to put past hurts behind me and try one more time to establish a good relationship with her. When I was talking to DH about it the other night, of course I had to get upset. He had a similar relationship with his dad who was also alcoholic. His dad passed away last year. His advice is that no matter how bad our relationship is, I'll still miss her when she's gone and regret not trying harder. So I've been mulling that over, then out of the blue today came that invitation.... Maybe I should try to be the bigger person and make things right.

P.S. I'll definitely be refilling my nerve pills if I go on that trip!! :-)

I'm still here

2011-08-11T19:49:00.004-05:00

I finally broke down and made an appt with the gyno to see what the hell is going on in my lady region. The appointment is on Monday.

Here's what's going on. I am not having very much EWCM the last couple of months (I think because I've been off of my vitamins). But I did get SOME EWCM around day 12 and what felt like ovulation pains that were INTENSE. There were definite stabbing pains on my left side. But I never did get a positive OPK. The day I think I would have been most likely to get a +, I had only been holding my urine for about 2.5 hours instead of the 4 hours like the box recommends. So I know my sample was pretty dilute. I don't know for sure whether I O'd, but we did the deed a couple of times just to cover our bases. The thing that worries me is that when I have to pee, and I'm about to O, the pains are unbearable!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the pain is either a cyst or from the endo. I have a lot of the same symptoms as I did during the first go round with endo, but this ovary pain is definitely a new development. I know endo can interfere with the ovaries so it'll be better to find out sooner rather than later.

I have been putting off making the appt for some weeks now. I know it sounds stupid, but in the back of my mind I worry that when I go to the doc and tell him about these pains, he's going to try to minimize my feelings. The last doc didn't so I should probably have faith this guy won't either. Plus at my first appt, he said we should redo my lap after about 14 months whether or not I have symptoms. Anyhoo, I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just relieved to get it over with.

Plus, I plan on going in and telling him how brutal these last 2 cycles were and getting pain pills to hold me over until Jan when I plan on redoing the lap. My next cycle should start on Wed. I'm not really holding out any hope that this cycle will be a BFP. So I want to have those pills on hand. If my last cycle would have started on a weekday, there's no way in hell I would have made it to work. I can't call in every time my stupid period starts. Blah! I'll just get some drugs and hang on until we can take care of the problem AGAIN.

Not too much else is going on. I talk to my mom for about 5 mins every week or every other week. She called last Fri to tell me more sad news about my 3rd brother, the one I never mention. Sigh.... And I know have to go over there to visit the babies but I really don't know how I'll make it through sitting with these people for hours!!!! I'm related to them and I call them "these people"... Ugh!!!!! I CAN NOT even get through a 5 minute phone call with her without having to cry.... I don't know how I'm going to sit there and pretend I want to spend time with her right now. Its a vicious cycle I know I have to break, just not sure how or when. She hurts my feelings, I hurt hers, then we withdraw. Nothing ever gets fixed.

Sorry for the bumpy ride, I know my post was all over the freaking place today! That's pretty much everything that's been weighing on my mind lately.

The clouds have parted

2011-07-29T11:48:00.003-05:00

I increased my zoloft to 100 mg about a week ago and I finally feel better! Yay for the breakthrough!! I just couldn't take staying negative and hopeless any longer!!! Here's to improved mental health!! :-) For anyone out there who hasn't struggled with depression or is opposed to antidepressants... here's how I describe it - When in the midst of depression its like a dark cloud is hanging over you and blocking all the sun. Once you start treatment or antidepressants, one day about a week or so later, you notice you feel better, like the clouds have parted and now hope or joy can come streaming in again. What a relief!!

Not too much going on. Hopefully I'll continue to ovulate early. I know when I tinker with my antidepressants, that affects my thyroid levels, so we'll see how this month goes.

I'm pretty sure after the last cycle the endo is back. Its not as bad as the first time I had my lap, but its definitely there. So I've been weighing the options of having my lap redone this year and I'll have about 5 months that I'll have 100% insurance coverage. Or wait until Feb when our insurance year starts over and have a whole year at 100%.

A couple of things to consider - 1) I'm pretty sure that part of my IUIs will be paid for once I'm on 100%. My ins covers anything diagnostic, so the monitoring will be paid for and i'll just have to come out of pocket for the IUI - about $350. So, potentially, I could afford more chances at IUIs, if they're partially paid for. ... I don't think I'll need meds since I'm ovulating in a timely manner now. 2) How much will waiting 6 months impact my fertility? I'm turning 36 in Sept. And I already feel like every month my chances decline a little more.... What to do, what to do....

I guess that's the gist of it. If I put it off until Feb, I will definitely be going to the doc to get stronger pain meds. No way I could have went to work if my cycle had started on a weekday instead of a weekend. I seriously couldn't leave the couch it was so awful.

I know its un-ladylike, but I have to admit I snore. Terribly!!!!!! All my life I've been told by docs my tonsils/adenoids are HUGE. I'm driving my hubby crazy with the snoring waking him up all night, every night. I'm starting to wonder if getting them removed would stop the snoring, and then we both would sleep better.... I'm still in the preliminary stages of research. The research is pretty mixed on whether the surgery is effective to stop snoring....

Just as I thought

2011-07-24T10:51:00.002-05:00

Well AF arrived yesterday. And it was brutal this month. I had horrible cramps to the point I was nauseous. I took 800 mg ibuprofen a couple of times and they barely helped. Guess its time to go back to the doc for something stronger. I know I'm going to have to have another lap, but my deductible is high so its going to be awhile before I'll have the money together to take care of it. So until then, painkillers it is. This endo is fun stuff, right? Boo!!!!

On a good note I think I'm having a decent luteal phase these last 2 months. I'm pretty sure its the thyroid meds that are doing it. Hopefully, that'll give us a chance one of these months.

That's all I've got for now. Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend out there!!

Back in the saddle again

2011-07-22T08:47:00.003-05:00

I'm back from vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. Let me tell you it was wonderful!!!! The temp never got over 70! Considering its 100+ every day where I am now, I thought it was wonderful, even when it drizzled a couple of days. We did some cool things like visit Mt St Helens. We shopped and ate out at some great restaurants. It was soooo hard to drag myself back in to work after a week of luxury!

My dad and I had some good talks. I'm thankful he is who he is. Some days it got to be a little emotionally heavy, but still, its better than any relationship I will ever be able to have with my mother.

Baby AJ spent his first week in the hospital. :-( He was on IV's and feeding tubes. But he's out now. He's still not gaining enough weight so they're probably going to have to go back to feeding tubes. Poor thing.... What a way to start out...

AF should arrive this weekend. No real hope for this cycle. We only managed to do the deed once during the fertile time... So, whatever.... *shrugs*

Twice this week I've had stupid dreams about being pg. One I actually dreamed I made it far enough to give birth. I rarely have pg dreams in the first place, but I don't think I've EVER made it to giving birth when I do. So they're pretty much freaking me out... Here I am trying to be more zen about TTC... and maybe even try to move on, and now I have to have these stupid dreams??? Maybe its my subconcious trying to work things out for me.

So before I left hubby and I were having a good lunch and I brought up the A-word... and without crying!!!! It was a miracle!!! Usually I'm a mess if I have to talk about giving up TTC. But I told hubby when I get back, I think I want to look into adoption and he said "ok"..... I realize we didn't get into the nitty-gritty details, but in the past if I've brought it up, he's immediately rejected even talking about the idea. So at least its out there. I don't know if logistically it will be an option for us as far as costs and the hoops we'll have to jump through. I really have no idea even what the first step would be.... have no idea where to find the info... I guess that will be my next research project.

No more negativity

2011-07-14T11:50:00.001-05:00

Now that my vacation is only a few hours away, I'm really excited!!! Maybe all I needed to get out of the funk was some rest and relaxation! I'll post if I can figure out how to do it from my phone... sometimes I'm technologically challenged. hehe

Hope everyone out there has a great rest of the week!

The rest of the story

2011-07-14T08:19:00.003-05:00

The baby arrived at around 5:00 yesterday. And guess what?? He has a bilateral cleft lip and cleft pallette. I'm so pissed at that lying skank. She said she had a 3d ultrasound and he had no cleft. Because of that, the hospital she had him at wasn't equipped to attend to him. Didn't have the special bottles, etc. So the poor baby had to be rushed by ambulance to a special pedriatic hospital where he can be cared for.

Why would she lie about that???? All I know is that if you really have a 3d ultrasound, you can tell whether or not there's a cleft, and go to the hospital that's most prepared. Either a) she had a regular u/s and lied, OR b) had a 3d u/s, knew there was a cleft and lied about it. I just don't get it. And she said the doc that did the u/s told her to go to a specialist to double check. She adamantly refused to go, no matter how many people tried to convince her. I don't know what the hell she's thinking. Apparently her mom and sister were bawling at the hospital because they were upset about it. This is the problem. We've had enough clefts in our family to know its not the end of the world, you just have to adapt to the baby and the special equipment. But that little idiot didn't prepare anyone.

Also, this idiot is on Medicare which makes me question the quality of medical care that the baby will be receiving. I wish she had private insurance so you can make sure the baby sees the best surgeons. I'm sure the medical care will be adequate, just wish it could be better than that.

So in the end, she's recovering in one hospital and her baby is somewhere else entirely. She really makes me sick! Ugh!!! Too much drama for one day!!!!

Anyhoo, I leave to visit my dad in Washington state this afternoon. Yay!!!! I get a break from the 100+ temps we have here. The high is 70-75 up there!!!!! I won't get back until next Wed. Guess I can finish dealing with this drama then. Or never. Everyone's in good hands now and I plan on enjoying my vacay!!!!!

If I hear anything else about the baby's condition, I'll post an update.

White Trash Update

2011-07-13T16:20:00.003-05:00

So far they've started inducing her today. When the doc broke her water, the fluid was green which means the baby has already had a bowel movement in utero. The doctor is none too pleased about that. I did some research and guess what the cause is - SMOKING! That dumb b*tch smoked her entire pregnancy, which means the baby has been deprived of oxygen, which puts the baby in distress which causes the bowel movement.

The baby may have to be put in NICU, receive oxygen and/or antibiotics. It could develop into pneumonia. It could be fatal. It could lead to an emergency c-section. It all depends on how long ago the baby had the BM and if its aspirated it into his lungs.

And all because she's such a selfish person she couldn't bother with prenatal care or to stop smoking. I'm pretty pissed right now. Thank God I'm not going to the hosp tonight. I would tell my bro point blank that this is HER FAULT. I told my mother that, but how much do you want to bet she'll play it off like it could happen to anyone. Grrr!!!!!

Anyways, I'll let everyone know when the baby gets here safe and sound... hopefully.....

Sorry I've been out of sorts lately

2011-07-12T16:15:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted for awhile... I just don't know what to say anymore. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'll feel more optimistic down the road. AF came and went. The pain wasn't unbearable for the first time in a few months.

I was trying to talk myself into not even bothering trying anymore... Guess its a harder habit to break than I thought tho. Of course I still ended up checking for fertile signs. For the first time that I can remember I had ZERO fertile signs this month. Of course I start to panic. So much for staying zen... ha! The digital sticks picked up my LH surge on Sat, but since I had had no EWCM or even CM of any kind, we hadn't done the deed in about a week.... We were so crazy busy all weekend, we only managed to get in 1 round on Sun afternoon. I doubt that'll do anything, but let's be honest... even when we do the deed 5 days out of 5 fertile days, I still can't seem to get pg. So, whatever..... Guess I'm just tired of analyzing every single sign or lack of sign. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess we should start looking into adoption. I'm just dragging my feet because I'm worried its going to cost thousands of dollars and that'll be like closing the final door of opportunity for me.

I've had a heavy heart of late regarding my family. I'm ashamed to be related to them is the truth of the matter. I'm still barely speaking to my mom. Turns out the Outlaw did get bailed out by the guy he was running drugs for. And guess what, my mom calls me to tell me and sounds so alive again.... She said he's going to get an atty and fight the charges. I asked "why? he's guilty." She said there are loopholes. Sigh.... Of course there are. Why does it seem like he's the only one that can catch a break????

He was supposed to get drug tested yesterday, which he was guaranteed to fail and finally I thought there would be justice... Guess what??? He gets to court and the A/C is broken, so he got rescheduled for a month later. Of course he lucked out... Doesn't he always?

I know how mean I sound... But honestly I find myself wondering why this moron stays out of jail... If you believe in God, why is God helping him? He's totally atheist and doesn't pray or live a Christian life, much less have any morals or ethics at all. If you don't believe in God, and belive in kharma or the Universe or whatever, why does he keep getting out? He's a terrible human being, why is kharma keeping him safe.... I'm sorry, but there are some people that deserve to be in jail and stay in jail!!!! Then I compare that to my situation. I was raised to be a Christian, and taught growing up that if I believe in God and I pray, my prayers will be answered. However, my one prayer is never answered and this idiot gets better than he deserves. I don't know what to make of it. I'm having a huge crisis of faith right now. I don't know what the resolution will be. I'm just blah about all of it. I find myself not praying anymore. What's the point.... I'm not trying to debate religion or offend anyone, believers or non-believers, I'm just venting about the injustice of this little prick getting everything, so much more than he deserves, and the rest of us in IF land getting nothing....

On a good note, my dad was in town last weekend for hubby's bday and we had a nice time. I broke down and told him all about my relationship with my mom. He was totally supportive and said if its that painful I need to step away from her for awhile. I'm leaving to visit him for a week starting on Thursday. I feel like I will be able to come away from this trip with a better, closer relationship with my dad and that's one thing I can be happy for. He's a great parent and person, we just haven't lived in the same state for about 20 years.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting comments lately. I've really been wondering if I have anything of value to add to anyone's story. I have nothing to add on the TTC front, since I feel like I'm stuck in this purgatory for the time being.... I'm thinking I might up my zoloft to 100 mg. See if that will help me shake off this funk.

P.S. - My mom just emailed me that White Trash is having the baby tomorrow. I'm so pissed at the whole family I don't want to go. Plus I'm leaving for my trip and still trying to get ready for that. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that and I wouldn't punish the new baby for these idiots... but I don't know if I can rise to the occasion..... God give me the serenity....

P.P.S. - A friend who is 1 year older than me just had her first GRANDBABY this weekend!! Holy f#@*!!!! Talk about getting lapped!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!

I finally stood up to her

2011-06-24T09:08:00.005-05:00

I realize there have been more blogs lately about the idiots that I'm related to than my IF issues even though the IF is the whole reason I started this blog. There just never seems to be anything new to report on the baby-making front. Today is CD 22. Too early for me to have symptoms of AF and I've never really gotten to experience symptoms of the other, so there's not a whole lot there. We'll know something in a week or so.

So I finally got my nerve up and stood up to my mother. I pretty much told her off the other day. Of course I had a huge meltdown afterwards but I didn't break down until I was off the phone. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset me. I have never talked back to her like that. We don't have an honest or close relationship really.

So the fight was about my idiotic brother - we'll call him the Outlaw. He's the one that's White Trash's baby daddy. Get this - he got himself arrested AGAIN!!! This time only 3 weeks before his baby is supposed to arrive!!! I am soooo furious I can hardly put it into words!!!! There are people who spend tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby and he gets this wonderful miracle of a perfectly healthy baby despite his genes and the mother's drug use and he's thrown it all away?!?!?!?! I cannot even believe it. I would give anything and everything for that, as I know the rest of you all would.

He's totally selfish to even risk getting put away when his baby is so close. And the arrest was totally his fault - totally his bad judgment. He decided he needed a quick buck even though he has a job and lives at home with my mom and has NO bills - no rent, no car note, nothing. So he is driving around at 3:30 in the morning with meth, illegal pain killers and a gun in his car. Of course he was speeding, as if just being on the road at that hour doesn't make him already look suspicious. And when the cop goes to pull him over he runs from the police so he can try to throw the drugs out the window. He does all this knowing he has prior felonies and that he has a baby on the way. Told you he was selfish and stupid.

I'm sure I'm going to come off as totally unsympathetic and uncaring but there is a long history here of my brothers getting in trouble and not learning their lesson. And because of it they get ALL of my mom's help - financially and emotionally - while I am left with having to cheer her up or telling her why she needs to keep living.... The history goes back many many years to when my mom couldn't even be excited when I was getting married, couldn't be bothered to look at my wedding dress, nothing all because my other brother was in prison and she had absolutely NO happiness for the rest of us. She pretty much broke my heart with the way she acted and this situation is bringing all of that pain back up.

So my mom calls me this week and sounds depressed about the Outlaw being in jail. He's facing a solid 5 felonies this time. But I'm mad because he did this to himself and he's got a baby on the way that he's going to screw up here. And she can't muster an ounce of sympathy for me when I call her crying about my IF - remember, she says I shouldn't get upset until its been 5 or 6 years. And she doesn't offer to help me with paying for fertility treatments (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE IT!!!) or even moral support, but she would probably sell her soul to get the money to bail this idiot out or pay for his attorney. So I lost it on her.

I told her its not fair to the rest of us, that she doesn't have any joy or sympathy or anything for the rest of us. That he's totally selfish. That how can she not see the good things still in her life - her 2 week old grandson and the one almost here. That I would give anything for that chance as would many women and here he's thrown it away. And that's how we left things. I don't know how we can repair our relationship. I'm not going to be the bigger person here. I'm not calling her. If she wants to call me, fine. But so help me, if its to whine about the Outlaw I'm not willing to listen to it.

I realize how lame I probably sound for being 35 years old and whining about how my mommy doesn't love me or give me attention, but for everyone else around me their parents are important pieces of their lives. I just wish I could have that too.

That turned out to be a really long post. And really its only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should change my blog name to the Insanity of being related to White Trash and Outlaws. HA!

I think I've confused my monitor

2011-06-13T09:26:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure I O'd on Sunday. Day 12 is crazy early for me!!!!!!! Maybe the thyroid thing I've been droning on and on about for months now really was the key!!!! Had all the telltale signs - EWCM and ovulation pains and now the EWCM is gone. However, my stupid CBEFM monitor only started showing medium fertility on Sunday. I think maybe because I'm O'in A LOT earlier than I used to, it put back my 1st day to test to day 8 instead of day 6. That worked fine when I O'd late... but now if I'm O'ing on day 12 maybe it didn't catch it? Who the hell knows... It's frustrating the hell out of me tho!!!!! And I didn't use the back-up sticks because I normally wait for the medium fertility sign to start using those. Ugh!!!!! I was totally caught off guard and we hadn't even done much BDing... Looking back, It looks like we had some action Wed, Thurs, and Sun. Hopefully that covers the bases. If not, I guess it will just be the same as all the other cycles. *shrugs*

I pulled up directions on how to do a manual reset on the monitor today and I'm going to do that and start over with the new cycle. Hopefully that will fix this little snafu we're having.

I skipped White Trash's shower yesterday. I felt pretty guilty about it.... But I'm in a good place right now and did not want to end up in the bad place again if I saw her smoking or popping pills.... Then this morning I talked to Coach Girl and I'm sooooo glad I didn't go!!!!! She appeared sober, so that's good news. Yes, she smoked tho. I knew that would upset me. And she acted like she didn't want to be there. She couldn't even get excited about the gifts. How can someone not be excited when getting cute baby stuff?!?!??!! It all makes me squeal and I'm not even pg yet. HMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so ungrateful it makes me sick!!!!!!! Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself she doesn't have anything to do with my situation and I have to keep plodding along on my own journey, for better or worse..... What else can I do?

We will all love that little baby when he gets here... Its just so sad that she doesn't even hide that she doesn't really want this baby. Whatever... I'm hoping she'll get excited or feel something maternal when he gets here. For the baby's sake.

Quick update

2011-06-09T11:44:00.004-05:00

Plain Jane is doing much better now! They're doing another EKG this morning and if all is ok, they're going to move her down to the Labor & Delivery floor. And she got to see the baby last night for a bit. I'm glad she's doing better. Once she gets in her regular room, the baby can stay with her and her older son will be able to visit. I know that'll be a huge relief for her!!!! Not sure when she's getting out yet. Usually after a c-section you stay in the hospital 4 or so days.... I'm sure sometime this weekend she'll get released.

Today is CD8. Already I have stretchy CM. That usually comes the day before I get the medium fertility sign on the CBEFM. We'll see.... Come on Big O!

This is going to be a really really stupid question.... I can't believe I'm even asking this.... But would BDing in the swimming pool be adverse to fertility? For some reason its the only time there's no pain. Still trying to figure out why that is... I have a feeling that's not ideal, so we'll just have to stick to doing the deed on land like the rest of the mammals. hehe

Nephew #1 is here!

2011-06-08T08:59:00.005-05:00

Plain Jane had her baby yesterday. I went up to the hospital after work to visit her and the baby. I'm so proud of me!!! Yes, I know, its not really all about me, but I really handled the visit better than I have in the past. I just kept telling myself, this has nothing to do with my IF. Whether or not they have children, it really has no bearing on whether or not I'll be able to. So I was able to actually enjoy the visit once I had removed myself from the equation. I held the baby - he's so perfect and tiny - and didn't even have to cry about it. He's really really cute. And seeing how sweet my brother is with him blows me away and really warmed my heart. He's such a good dad. :-) I was able to finally be in a place where I could be genuinely happy for someone else getting what I want so badly. And I think that was really positive. Hopefully, I can stay in this place.

Poor Plain Jane is in ICU because of her cardiac myeopathy (sp?). We went up to see her after the baby and the poor thing was such a mess. I actually cried a little when she started bawling because I could see she was in so much pain. She was having incredibly intense chest pains, to the point of not being able to breathe. Add to that the guilt of not being able to be with her brand new baby and her older son couldn't visit her either because he's younger than 10 years old and the poor thing was a wreck. She only has to be there for 24-48 hours, then she'll get to go back down to the labor & delivery floor for the rest of her stay. Since she had a c-section she'll be there at least until Fri.

Plain Jane can't breastfeed again and I know she was totally bummed about that. Its because of the cardiac medicine they have to put her on starting today. Plus the doc told her that she CAN'T have any more kids. They wanted 1 more. The selfish part of me says she should be happy she has 2 beautiful healthy kids, but then again, I totally get not being able to have a kid when you want one. So I do feel for her.

One thing that doesn't make any sense to me is - Her endo is back but they wouldn't go in and take care of it while they already had her open for the c-section. Doesn't that make sense to anyone else? That's what I would ask for. They also wouldn't go ahead and tie her tubes while they had her open. That's how they used to do it. I would think that would be better than going in again in 6 weeks just as the c-section is finished healing and reopening it. Especially since getting pg will put her life in danger, hello?????

I was a little teary on the ride home, but not like I was the last time I had to do a hospital visit. I just hope I get the chance to be there too one day.

Now that I'm feeling stronger and made it through this visit without any meltdowns, I'm reconsidering the shower on Sun. I feel guilty that I can't participate like I should be able to. Even tho I can't stand White Trash, I should be able to be there for my brother - this is his 1st kid after all.

Its CD7, no signs of fertility yet, but should be in about a week. I'm anxious to see if bringing down my thyroid levels will influence how early I ovulate like I suspect. We'll see....

Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone!!! I know my post the other day was pretty freaking depressing, I just had to get everything off my chest. But I'm feeling much better now.

P.S. Is Blogger pissing everyone else off too? I keep trying to publish this post and it keeps giving me errors. That on top of all the errors I get when I try to sign in. Ugh!!!! So frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling discouraged

2011-06-06T11:34:00.004-05:00

I know I haven't been writing much lately. I'm just feeling very discouraged right now. After this last cycle I am 100% positive that the endo is back. I'm having the same pains - pain during sex, pain during BM's - the only thing I'm missing is having my cramps start a week ahead of AF's arrival. I'm sure its just a matter of time before it gets to that point again tho.

I keep thinking maybe its just time to get off this IF merry-go-round and find something else to do with my life. I brought this up to DH over the weekend, and he says I'm just being a Negative Nelly and it will happen. I just don't believe that anymore. I can't tell if I'm feeling hopeless just because of PMS, or maybe my depression is getting worse or if I'm really done with all this.

I had money set aside to try an IUI but wouldn't you know it, the freaking A/C broke 2 weekends ago and the big tv this weekend!!! That's about $750 total, everything I had set aside. I was glad I had it tho. ITs already over 100 degrees where I live, so living without AC is not an option!!!!!!!! I'm just your average middle-class girl, living paycheck to paycheck. We get by just fine, I never have to go without, but everytime I get money for treatments, something else goes wrong and takes it away. Just makes me wonder.... Maybe fertitily treatments aren't in the cards... I think someone's trying to tell me, but I just don't want to listen.

I feel like there aren't a lot of people I can turn to IRL. Everyone I know has been able to get a BFP and have their happy ending, whether they were trying to or not. So its natural that they assume that it can happen for everyone. I don't believe that anymore. There's no guarantee, lets face it. And if history is any indication of how fertile I am, well it just doesn't look too good for me. I feel isolated and when I feel like this, I withdraw even more inside myself. I just don't know what to do now.

Yesterday in the mail I got an invite to White Trash's shower. I emailed my mom I"m not going, but I'll give her a gift to take with her. CoachGirl will probably go with my mom. She said she'd go so my mom won't have to be by herself and will have someone to talk to. She's nice like that. Me - not so much.... My mom and I seem to barely be speaking right now, so I'm not going out of my way to do anything for them. I know, I'm mean, I'm selfish, whatever. Its just where I'm at right now.

Plain Jane is in the hospital I just found out today. Her cardio myopethy is back. So they're doing the c-section tomorrow. So I guess I'll be going up to the hospital one night this week.

God give me the strength to get through this!!!!

Finally some good news

2011-05-20T14:12:00.005-05:00

Good news about White Trash's situation finally.... She FINALLY had a doc appt today.... They did a 4d ultrasound and the baby is fine!!!! Not even a cleft lip!! I can't believe it!!!! Its a boy and now she's due July 20 instead of June 25... I guess they miscalculated on her other u/s?

Of course the baby not having a cleft makes the family want my brother to get a DNA test just to be sure... I know it sounds mean... but he caught her writing "love" letters to a couple of other guys since they've been together. Allegedly, they were in jail at the time but she's just such a skank that nobody would put it past her. I guess I shouldn't speak so harshly, she just pisses me off for being so damn ungrateful to have this chance that the rest of us would give anything for!

There's been tons of drama this week with the whole situation. One day supposedly my brother thinks she's been freaking smoking meth while pregnant, the next day "just" popping pills. (As if that's ok.) Him leaving a gun in my mom's car.... I'm sure it was loaded, why else would you drive around with a handgun? I don't know what the hell is going on over there in Crazy Town, but I feel even more detached than ever from my biological family. Its no wonder I don't spend time with them. I don't live in the gun-slinging Wild West like they do.... The worst thing I do thats illegal is speed... I don't even know how I came out of that family most of the time... I like to say I must have been switched at birth. Anyways, its fine, I'm not letting myself get dragged into their drama anymore and get all worked up. I just let my crazy mother tell me what's going on, shake my head and move on. Wow, I almost sound like a grown up, don't I? :-)

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. But we didn't BD last night. Now I feel guilty about it. We did it the 3 nights before. I just dreaded the pain and couldn't bring myself to do the deed. Now I'm kicking myself. What if that ruins my chances this month????? Grrrr!!!! Its so frustrating... some people can get knocked up by doing the deed a single time or while on bcp... We've all heard those crazy stories... Then I torture myself day and night for missing one time.... Well, what's done is done and I just have to wait and see if anything comes of it.

I never did get a positive on the CBEFM. Not sure what would cause that. Stupid technology!! I thought it was supposed to make our lives easier, not confuse us more!!!

On to the 2ww and the imaginary pg symptoms...

CD 13

2011-05-19T08:33:00.004-05:00

Its CD 13 and I've definitely had ovulation pains for the last couple of days along with EWCM so I know the big O is right around the corner... Just to make sure I catch my surge, I've been testing in the evening with the smiley face O predictor sticks and in the morning with CBEFM... Last night I got my smiley face which should mean my LH surge was predicted, but this morning the CBEFM was still on medium fertility... Not sure what that means..... We've been BDing daily just in case... ;-)

But honestly as painful as its been this week, I'm not sure how many more days of BDing I have in me. My poor hubby... Right after my lap all my pain was gone and I could BD all I wanted and I was so excited and told him "I'm like a real girl again!!" hehe There's something definitely going on in there.... Anyone else wish they had a window into their plumbing so you could just take a look any time you wanted? That would be nice at times like these.....

So, come on big O!!!! Lets get this 2ww started...

CD11

2011-05-17T08:39:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the outpouring of sympathy!! You guys are truly the best!!! The house is so much quieter without Ladybug. You'd think there would still be chaos with the little chihuahuas, but the house is eerily quiet now. I'm not sure if they know she's gone and everyone is subdued... or if most of the chaos from before just came from Bug having to go outside so frequently. Either way, we miss her terribly, but are doing better.

Today is CD11. I started getting stretchy CM on Sat and Sun was the 1st day of medium fertility on the CBEFM which means I had my estrogen surge. I started getting gobs and gobs of egg white CM yesterday, so hopefully the big O is right around the corner...

This might be TMI in other circles, but here among us blog buddies nothing is, so here goes... Does anybody else find BDing around ovulation time painful? Pain during BDing was one of the first signs I had that I had endo.... So I was just wondering if other people have pain when its close to O'ing... I'm thinking maybe I have a cyst or the endo is coming back... That's always going to be in the back of my mind, every time I have a weird cramp or symptom.... So I'm trying to figure out what's normal here... As if there are any "normal" cycles in the land of IF... :-)

Be forewarned - this is a sad post....

2011-05-16T11:07:00.005-05:00

Thanks for all the well wishes!!! You don't know how much they meant to me!!!! I'm not going to lie.... having to put poor Bug down was definitely one of the hardest things I ever had to do... This is going to be sad so I'll understand if you want to skip this one....

I took her up there with the intention of just dropping her off... I know that's a cowardly thing to do, but I have been dreading this day for YEARS.... So I walk in and start crying right away... I can't even tell them what I'm there for. I had made the appt already so the receptionist asks "Ladybug?"... I nodded... I had to wait until the room was prepared... I managed to choke out to the receptionist that I did not want to watch this!!!! She said I didn't have to. But I did have to go back to the room and sign some forms.

We got to the room and the tech comes in... We go over the options, I make my choice and tell him I do not want to see this... but he asks if I can stay while they put the IV in... so she doesn't panic... That broke my heart. I knew then that I'd have to stay for the whole thing.... Its the least she deserves from my after being so faithful and loving to me for all these years. So I helped hold her down while they started the IV, crying the whole time... When she cried out from starting the IV I really bawled. Finally they put the 1st shot in and within 30 seconds she was snoring. At that moment I could tell she was at peace, and not laboring to breathe, I knew I had done the right thing, that it was her time to go. She shouldn't have had to suffer anymore because I'm too chicken to go through with this. So finally she was gone and they left me alone with her for me to say my goodbyes.

I'm sorry if that was too graphic for all you with furbabies... I know that even before this I could never read a story about a dog being put down... But I had to get it out for my peace of mind.

Let me tell you I was a mess the rest of the day. I kept breaking down even tho I know it was the right thing to do. I was so drained by that night, I had 2 glasses of wine and passed out for 12 hours. When I woke up Sunday, I felt a little better, and at peace knowing she's not suffering anymore. So each day is getting a little better. Its just kinda surreal... after having her in my life every day for all those years... and now she's gone... I'll always be thankful for having Bug in my life and for being able to have her for so long. And I guess that's the best note I can end this post on....

Thanks again for all your sympathy!!

Its going to be a hard day around here

2011-05-14T08:55:00.002-05:00

Today, in about 1 hour in fact, we're having our 16 year old cocker spaniel put down. I'm so sad right now. We've had her since she was 5 weeks old. She was the first dog I ever had as an adult, that was mine. She's always been a great dog. But at this age, so many health problems pop up. Maybe I should have even done it a few months ago, but I've been dreading it so much I chickened out. I know what I have to do, I just pray God gives me the strength to get through it...

Goodbye, Ladybug, I'll always love you.

White Trash update

2011-05-12T09:32:00.000-05:00

Today is CD 6... Not too much going on... Just waiting to get the word from the monitor that its go time... Without clomid this cycle tho, it might be a long wait....

I talked to Coach Girl last night. Apparently there are plenty of updates on White Trash, tho none of them are good... She wasn't at the Mother's Day dinner at my mom's because she's in freaking jail!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, she got sentenced to 60 days in jail and she's 6 weeks away from her due date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so upset I could puke! Fortunately I think the county she's in you get 3 days credit for every 1 day served.... So likely she'll be out by the time the baby comes. At least I'm praying for it....

She still hasn't gone to the doctor once!!!!!! And she hasn't bought one single thing for the baby.... And my brother found out she's still trying to get pills... So he went around and told all the drug dealers that if he finds out they sold her anything he'll kill them..... This is so white trash its not even funny anymore.....

Looks like this situation is turning out worst-case scenario unfortunately for the baby, the only innocent one here... So we still don't know if the baby is going to be born with a cleft... and it may be born addicted to drugs and will definitely be born addicted to nicotine. Its breaking my heart..... I'm totally numb right now I'm so frustrated....

I just don't understand why God has chosen to give this effing drug-addled loser a baby.... And not one for me... I know I'm not the only one struggling with the unfairness and I guess I'll never have an answer.... But it still sucks all the same. I just find myself losing hope.... Like if I was meant to have a child, surely I would have had one by now.... So maybe that's my answer no matter how much I don't like it....

I know you all understand out there so thanks for listening!

Thank God for my In-Laws

2011-05-09T09:46:00.002-05:00

So I survived Mother's Day as I suspect the rest of you did too. It actually turned into a much nicer day than I had expected. We floated around in the pool for a few hours and I got a little color. As I floated around, I could feel all the tension just melt right out of me. When I got out of the water I felt like a new person. :-)

Then I went to a ballet performance with my niece, MIL and SIL. My niece goes to a Christian ballet school that feeds into a professional ballet troupe that performs all over the world as their mission work. The students have a performance every summer. But last night was the production put on by the teachers and professionals that actually perform in other countries. And I cannot say enough about how beautiful and elegant it was!!!!! In just a few weeks they'll be performing that ballet in Hungary. What an exciting life!!!

My MIL has always bought me a little something on Mother's Day..... when she first started I would protest and back then I didn't know if I was going to have kids.... But she'd say I'll be a mother someday and still give me a gift. Honestly, I've been dreading that this year... the thought of receiving a gift when I don't know if I'll ever get to be a mother and how that would make me feel. But I actually felt very moved and tears may have been shed. It felt good that someone still thinks there's a possibility that I'll have a child when some days I don't even feel that optimistic. All I know is I am so fortunate to have in-laws like I do. People that love me and are kind and generous to me.... More so than the family I was actually born into.

Now for the negative part of the day.... I thought about just texting my mom Happy Mothers Day... but then I decided to call her. We have talked in 2 weeks.... It was a very hollow conversation. We don't have the type of relationship where we can actually talk through our problems... so it was pretty strained. I asked what she's been up to... She talked for a few.... Then we're quiet for a few. Does she ask how I've been or what I've been doing? No.... Still crickets.... Then she asks what we're doing for Mothers Day. I tell her I'm staying in. My cramps were bad and so I didn't want to do anything. Then she goes back to talking about her medicines.... That's it... No I'm sorry this cycle didn't work... No I'm sorry you're going through this... No how are you holding up.... nothing... So she was cooking dinner for all my bros. She didn't invite me and I'm glad she didn't because I just would have had to say no. The last thing I'm going to do is spend the day with White Trash (who lives there so would definitely be there). She said her grease was starting to burn... I said I'll let you go then... She said she'd call me back... and that was it. She didn't call me back. So I'm not calling her again. For anything. I can be just as petty and immature as she can. Honestly, my life is happier when I don't talk to her.

And even after that dismal conversation, I was able to have a good day.... and feel loved at least by my in-laws... So that's all that matters.

Oh yes, I almost forgot my cycle update. AF showed up Sat night.... I didn't have a total meltdown. I cried a little Sunday... but either the zoloft is at the right level or I'm doing better... Its probably the zoloft... :-) Unfortunately cramps have been horrendous. This morning I was sitting at my desk and I had a wave of cramps roll through me that literally had me doubled over and I couldn't breathe until they subsided. I don't know WTF that is.... Of course I'm going to assume its the endo coming back. The only time I've ever had cramps in the abdomen or uterus is when I had the endo. I'm usually a back pain kind of girl.... I popped an 800 mg ibuprofen and hopefully that'll keep them away for the day....

On Wed I do my bloodwork for Dr. Z for next Tuesday's appt. All I know is she has got to fix my thyroid!!! I'm going to beg, plead, cry, whatever it takes.... I feel like getting my TSH back below 1.0 would cause my to ovulate early like in January. Then I wouldn't need clomid and I would lfeel like there is hope. If that doesn't happen, I don't know what I'm going to do!!!!!! So my fingers are crossed....

Today is brought to you by the letters B, F & N

2011-05-02T22:15:00.002-05:00

So I tested at 10 dpo and it was a BFN as usual. :-( I cried a few times today but I'm doing ok now. I wanted to get it out of the way. I didn't think I could handle AF surprising me this weekend with it being Mother's Day. With my luck stupid AF would be late for once in my life and get me all excited. Anyhoo I definitely considered boycotting this weekend, but I'm working on getting myself back together. I can make it through one dinner with my MIL. Its to celebrate her, not me... I just have to remember that. And we're going out to eat on Sat instead of Sun. But I've already given the hubby fair warning that I'll likely be a mess on Sun, so don't plan on leaving the house. Hmph. I just don't think I can face walking into a restaurant or store or whatever and hear Happy MD... It makes me want to shout "I'm not, I'm infertile but thanks for reminding me!!!!!" I know, I know, Bitter Party of One here....

Still no word from my mom... Guess she doesn't plan on talking to me anymore than I plan on talking to her. Whatever.... At least I don't have to worry about working her in this weekend. I'm not up to celebrating with that side of the family... White Trash and Plain Jane will be there and no way I can be around that idiot right now. I would have just done something one-on-one with my mom. Oh well, maybe we'll catch up after Mother's Day.

I got nominated for 2 blogging awards last week!!!! Yay!!!! Sorry for being so late giving a shout-out but I promise I'll get it up tomorrow and pass them on. Thanks for all the support!!!! It really means the world to me!!!! :-)

Why didn't I think of that????

2011-04-28T14:45:00.005-05:00

So I mentioned last week that my thyroid seems to be throwing a fit and now my levels are back to where they were when I started... which means I feel sluggish and droopy. Of course the 1st thing I did was turn to Dr. Google to see what kinds of meds or foods would cancel out thyroid meds... I just couldn't believe a 1/2 blood pressure pill would cause that much chaos... And lo and behold I found plenty of sites that says that freaking zoloft cancels your thyroid meds!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy sh*tballs!!!!! It didn't even occur me to run it by Dr. Z!!!! Before when I was on antidepressants all she said was she didn't prescribe antidepressants so I'd have to continue getting them through my GP. So thats what I did. That has to be what made the difference. Nothing else was different. Either that or it was just a coincidental Hashi's flare up...

Now I have to wait until May 10 to have my blood drawn again. The following week I'll go back to Dr. Z and can have my meds upped if my levels are still high. Thank God!!!!!

Last night my hubby says he thinks I should stop taking the zoloft. I'm like "What?!?!?" He said because he can tell I act and feel run down. I told him he's crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not continue to cry for 10 days every time I get a stupid BFN!!!!! He'll just have to put up with me being sluggish for another few weeks. I'm really starting to feel better and more stable. No way am I giving them up yet.

I haven't talked to my mom in about a week and I feel guilty about it... but I honestly no longer enjoy conversations with her so I don't feel the need to call her. Isn't that awful???? The whole time we're on the phone she talks about herself... Usually repeating herself over and over.... And if I say anything about my life most of the time she honestly acts like she doesn't hear what I've said and she just keeps on talking in circles like I'm not even there. Its so frustating. Then when I called her for once looking for comfort when I got my last BFN, what does she did but totally minimize my feelings and tell me I can't keep getting upset. So I feel like I'm at an impasse with her.

My dad not only told me about the divorce this last weekend, but he also revealed that he's in recovery. I knew he had been going to a men's support group to deal with growing up with an alcoholic, abusive, sadistic father. But I wasn't aware of his own struggles with addictions. So he said he's been clean for 18 months which is great. And he said he's onto the step about making amends and told me if he did anything in my childhood that was hurtful he was sorry and he wants me to tell him about it. I was touched down to my core because I could tell he was so sincere and earnest and open. I told him I was touched and appreciated the gesture, but I'm fine. And just to show you how crazy I am, that made me mad at my mom because she's been in recovery for 4 years and I'm still waiting for her to take accountability for being an alcoholic parent. Hmph!!!! Guess its a good thing I wasn't holding my breath waiting for that apology! HAHA I really hope my dad is able to find peace with himself through the recovery process and comes out on the other side better off.

6 days dpo here.... Tick tock..... I just want to be able to POAS already!!!! Part of me is hopeful... part of me just wants to get it over with so I can move to the next cycle.

2WW again....

2011-04-25T13:00:00.003-05:00

So here we are in the 2ww again... Please God let this be the one! I got positive opks on Thurs night and Friday morning. I think I might have O'd Friday. Friday night was back to negative and my EWCM dried up so I'm pretty sure. I know I'm very fortunate that clomid doesn't take away my EWCM. The temp thing doesn't usually work for me because of the thyroid problem I guess. My temps are usually all over the place. But we got in some timely BDing and I'll start taking the progesterone tonight and we'll see what happens in about 10 days, won't we?

Easter weekend was good. Got my highlights redone. Did a little shopping and A LOT of going out to eat with my Dad. Our visit was good but it turns out he's getting a divorce and a lot of issues came up. So there were a lot of tears and a lot of me keeping my poker face on... It was exhausting!!!! I'm so glad I'm on the zoloft. If this weekend would have happened a month ago when I was crying several times a day over nothing I wouldn't have made it through this weekend in one piece. I'm still processing everything, so I'll write more later when I figure out how I feel about everything.

Easter dinner was excellent and I got to hide the eggs for my niece and nephew. That's my favorite part!!!!! Well that and dyeing the eggs, but I didn't get a chance to do that this year since I was entertaining my Dad. We saw the Lincoln Lawyer. OMG is it good!!!!! Very suspenseful... and a little eye candy like McConnaughy (sp?) definitely doesn't hurt!!!

How many days till the next 3 day weekend??? Let the countdown begin! LOL

Effing thyroid!!!!!!

2011-04-20T22:04:00.005-05:00

So yesterday was a marathon of doc appts. I took the whole day off work and spent all day going from doctor to doctor. Oh well, me and hubby had a nice dinner at my favorite mexican place when I was done so at least it ended well!!

Well woman was fine. He did say I should take a cycle off since I've taken clomid 3 cycles in a row then we'll do a monitored cycle with a trigger shot or IUI. I guess that will be about June.

I guess that's something to look forward to....

I asked Brandy to increase my zoloft to 75 and she was fine with that. I do not want another 10 days of despair like my last cycle. Ugh!!!! I could hardly stand to be around myself. I definitely back to myself now thank God!!!!! She said if in a few weeks I feel like I need to go up one more level, just call her and she'll give me a new scrip. Thank God for Brandy!!!!!!! She doesn't make me feel like a loser for needing antidepressants like that other quack.... Whew!!!!!

Lastly unfortunately was the thyroid appt. I have been really tired lately and slipped back into taking naps when I get home from work and on the weekend. I knew something was wrong. Even Hubby noticed and asked if I was still on the thyroid meds.... Turns out for some reason my thyroid levels are totally jacked up again!!!! ARRGGHHH!!!! Its so frustrating!!!! My levels were 2.5 when I first started the meds.... then they went down to 1.0 then they were too low at 0.3. So at my last appt the doc told me to take 1/2 a pill twice a week to get me back to 1.0. My levels were 2.5 again on this last visit!!!! What the hell?!?!? Its like I never took any meds. I just don't get it.

The only thing I did different was started taking my new bp pill (1/2 only) in the morning. They say to take your thyroid meds alone because some meds can block some of the absorption... but I find it hard to believe that the 1/2 bp pill blocked the synthroid totally and completely!!!!! So don't know what's going on there... This month I'm going to take the bp pill an hour after the synthroid and see if that makes a difference.....

Its CD 14 and still no positive OPK. The CBEFM is showing medium fertility so it should be close. And yesterday was the 1st sign of stretchy CM. Hmmm.... If I get a positive tomorrow then I'll be ovulating on day 16-17 and that's while on clomid... That's no good!!!! That's the reason I'm taking the stupid clomid is to force ovulation earlier. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is due to my stupid effing thyroid... I looked back over my past charts and the month I ovulated earliest was the month my thyroid level was at 0.3.... When its in the 2.something range I ovulate really late....

This really sucks and its pissing me off!!!!! I know its not recommended to take take clomid more than 6 months and I've already used 3 and maybe because of my stupid thyroid those cycles have been wasted.... What do I do when my 6 months of clomid are done????? Maybe I just have to be done and move on.... I don't know what else to think.... From what I understand if I do a Timed Intercourse or IUI cycle, the trigger shot will tell me exactly when I'm ovulating, but it won't force me to ovulate earlier, right? I mean they have to wait for the follicle to get to a certain size so I don't think that will help.....

How's everybody's Easter shaping up? My dad will be in town from Washington so that will be nice to get to spend some time with him. I'm sure we'll go out to eat a few times... and watch the niece and nephew hunt for eggs and have a yummy Easter dinner.... Hopefully sleeping in late will be in my forecast too! :-)

Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Back from the Pit of Despair

2011-04-17T10:39:00.003-05:00

So I took my last BFN really hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. I cried for like 10 days. Finally on Friday I was able to get through the day without crying. And I've been ok since. I feel like I'm being such a drama queen, complaining so much about a stupid BFN. Maybe it was the clomid too. I was feeling pretty hopeless the last month I took it. Stupid hormones!!!! And I'm sure this doesn't even compare to what so many of you have gone through with injectibles. I don't know how you do it.... While I was in my miserable funk, I made the mistake of calling my mother..... Yeah, won't do that ever again if I need to feel better. She says the usual "just be patient".... I tell her I've been patient for 2 years.... isn't that long enough? She says "you can't say its been a long time until its been 5 or 6 years...." What?!?!??!!?! Then I blew up and told it has been 5 years off and on.... I'm only counting 2 years because we've tried every cycle for these 2 years... before it was just off and on so I'm not even counting those years... But I feel like I've been stuck in this same point for YEARS and its definitely taking a toll on me. She says "You can't keep getting upset every time you get a cycle." .... That's my mother for you.... helpful as ever.... So this Tuesday the 19th I took the day off for my multitude of doc appts. I have my well-woman in the morning. I'm going to talk to the doc about what's the next step - IUIs... Then I see my GP. I'm going to ask her to increase my antidepressants. I can't take another week and a half like I just went through. ThenI have an appt with the thyroid doc. I'm sure my levels are fine now. I'm sure I'll have to do another u/s of my thyroid since lucky me had a new cyst pop on my last u/s. I knew they should have just taken that stupid thyroid out. Oh well, its nothing I can't handle. Looking at the calendar it looks like AF is due to start the day before Mothers Day. Are you freaking kidding me????? So I'll know the cycle is a failure and then have to go sit in a stupid restaurant with every pregnant woman. Ugh!!! I have been dreading Mother's Day for months. I get upset every time I think about it and now AF will more than likely be here that day. I'm going to be a wreck. I'm thinking I might have to boycott this year and barricade myself in the house for the day. Told you I've turned into a total drama queen.....

Big sigh...

2011-04-05T16:43:00.003-05:00

I tested this morning and BFN as usual. I was upset and cried for a bit. Then I got dressed and came to work. What else can you do in this game? On the one hand I'm bitterly disappointed... this marks 2 years -2 fucking years!!!!!!! -of TTC. On the other hand, what did I expect? To magically get knocked up just because it had been 2 years? Should I have learned from the other 23 months that maybe its not in the cards, that its not going to be that easy? I had convinced myself there was hope... Had some imaginary symptoms - nausea, heartburn, fatigue, but I guess it was all in my head. I really really hate when I let my guard down and get my hopes up. Ugh!!!!!!! So just waiting for AF now. I had some cramps last night so I'm sure it will be tomorrow or Thurs. I'll do the clomid again. April 19 I go for my well-woman and while I'm at the doc's office I'll find out all the pricing info for the monitored cycle, either timed intercourse or IUI. Thanks for all the well wishes for my brother! He got out of the hospital yesterday. He's feeling a lot better. He goes back to work tomorrow. They said the medicine should continue working so he'll continue to improve at home. The doc said all the tests came back negative but he's sure it was Guillian Bairre and the treatments worked so I guess that's what it was. Weird tho.... He was at an excellent hospital and I'm just glad they got him fixed up. Good thing I'm on the antidepressants already....Now if only I can hang on for one more cycle.... At least that's what I tell myself.

Happy Friday!

2011-04-01T09:09:00.002-05:00

I saw my brother last night. He looks good. He's not in pain. The tests for Guillian-Barre came back negative so far, but they have to send off cultures. They went ahead and started the treatments yesterday anyways. Its basically blood products - like plasma - given through IV. Each bag takes 6 hours, for 5 days in a row. And costs $3000 per bag!!!!! He's in the middle of changing jobs so he has to go on cobra and they don't know how much or if any of this is going to be paid for. Plus they got the 2nd baby coming in June/July. When it rains, it pours..... 2ww is halfway over. No symptoms, real or imaginary as usual. Guess I'll test on Wed. I've found if I test and get a BFN I'm not as upset when AF shows up.... and let's face it, she ALWAYS shows up.... The Zoloft is definitely helping!!!! I'm not crying every day anymore. I didn't get upset seeing Plain Jane last night. I even watched Greys. I haven't been watching it cause I really didn't want to see the pg storyline.... but the previews intrigued me. Callie was in a wreck and while they were working on her body, she has an out of body experience and her spirit sings and watches over her. Man was it good!!!!! I bawled!!!!!!! Well maybe I was hormonal a little... but it was a really good episode I thought. Looks like next week they go back to high drama with the baby born premature so I doubt I'll be watching anymore. Oh yeah, and one more thing about Greys, Meredith admitted how jealous she was at Callie's baby shower because it happened so easily for Callie and Meredith has been trying for months... That really got me. I was sooooo happy they put that in!!!!!! That's reality for an IFer for sure..... and I'm glad they portrayed it like a normal human emotion not a psychopath.... That's all I got.

Update

2011-03-31T09:00:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!! I was going to go visit my brother yesterday but I called when I was headed up there and they had just taken him downstairs for a spinal tap and a MRI. So I told Plain Jane I'd come up there tonight. The good news is he's not in any pain. I guess all the docs are leaning to the Gillian-Barre but we won't get the test results back until today. If that's what it is he'll have to be in the hosp for probably another 5 days so they can give him his treatments via IV. Basically it started Sat that his feet felt numb - like they went to sleep but without the pins and needles. Between Sat and Tues its gotten worse and now the numbness is up to the top of his knee. So its hard to walk, his feet kinda drag. I guess they're kinda like dead weight? The longer you wait to get treatment, the farther up it goes. He can make a full recovery, but he might have some weakness afterwards. Its an autoimmune neuropathy so he could get episodes periodically. Apparently you usually get an episode after getting over any kind of viral infection. And sure enough, he was sick about 3 weeks ago. So this is all what I've gotten online and from Plain Jane's mom who is a RN. I'm eager to hear what the actual doc says about it when we get the results back today. Apparently, the docs at the hospital he's at said they haven't seen a case in about 20 years. So maybe its really rare? Guess autoimmune stuff is definitely strong in our family. He has this, I have Hashis and at least 1 cousin has Crohns - all autoimmune. I'll post an update when we hear back from the doc and after I visit him tonight. My mom said he's in good spirits, just antsy to get out of there. But he's probably got another week in there. I know he's going to hate hearing that! If anyone knows anyone who's had this, I'd love to hear about it.

My poor brother

2011-03-30T10:27:00.002-05:00

I just got a call from my mom. My brother's in the hospital. He's the one married to Plain Jane. Apparently his feet went numb this morning and it started traveling up his legs. He's an outdoor kind of guy. So they're testing him for Lyme Disease and Guillain-Barre Syndrome. The Lyme Disease comes from ticks and he went hunting a few weeks ago. But this other one - GBS - sounds really nasty. They don't know why someone gets it, its autoimmune. And you could be in the hospital for weeks. For now they're running the tests and have him on antibiotics just in case. Probably won't get the test results until tomorrow. I hope they figure it out soon and get it under control!!!!

Still waiting....

2011-03-30T08:37:00.002-05:00

Almost halfway through the 2ww, nothing to report really. Of course that makes me think this isn't the month. Guess we'll find out in a week. I'm definitely feeling better on the zoloft!!!! Maybe its just placebo effect since I've been on it less than a week. But I feel like I'm less negative right now. I haven't gotten mad every time I see a celebrity has a BFP. I don't get all weepy every time I'm alone with my thoughts. I know its little things, but its progress for sure. I got a nook last year and I finally figured out how to access free books from the public library. Its awesome!!!! I put a ton of books on my wish list. Some titles I was looking for weren't available as an ebook yet, but there are lots I'm interested in. Even a couple on IF and hypothyroid stuff. Woo! I'm a huge nerd and I love reading!!! Free books was one of the main reasons I wanted to get the nook in the first place. Other than that, not much is going on. Tick tock....

A good laugh for today

2011-03-25T16:37:00.003-05:00

Someone sent me this link today. Even though I was at work I died laughing!!!! Maybe its just me....

http://www.iambetterthanyourkids.com

Hope it makes somebody else out there laugh too.

Problem solved!

2011-03-25T11:37:00.003-05:00

So I just got back from the doc. This lady - I'll call her Brandy - is soooooo freaking nice! I wish all docs were like her. So she put me on Zoloft which is safe for TTC. I'll go back in 1 month to see how I feel. She didn't put me on anything long-term for the anxiety yet because like she pointed out, my anxiety attacks could be a manifestation of the depression. So she gave me ativan that you can take if you're actually having an anxiety attack. Obviously not once you get a BFP tho. :-) Its weird, when you struggle with anxiety, sometimes just knowing you have the option of taking something it quiets the anxiety a little. And not having a doctor totally dismiss everything you're saying like the Kelsey doc did in September helps. That bitch told me she couldn't see why I would be depressed about IF?!?!? Idiot!!!!!

Brandy also changed my BP medicine. I'm on a very small dose, but that Kelsey doc put me on one you can't take if you're TTC!!!! I told the Kelsey doc I was trying and working with an RE. And I specifically asked if that one was ok and she said we'll look into it IF I get pg. I guess she didn't believe I can get knocked up either. Hmph! Brandy told me today that if you take that one, it can prevent the baby's kidneys from developing!!!!! Arrgghhh!!!! That would have really been a terrible situation. Maybe there's a reason I haven't had my BFP yet after all...... God's waiting until all my meds are correct. :-) If only it were that simple....

I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday. When I got home last night I was having terrible ovulation pains, and then *poof* all gone.... Today nothing, no EWCM and no ovulation pains. Which would explain why the digital OPKs didn't work... I took it too late for the LH surge to trigger a positive.... I'm such an idiot sometimes!! hehe Of course I don't know why it triggered the other??? Maybe 1 is more sensitive???? *shrugs* Whatever, all that matter is we got in BDing on Wed and Thurs and probably tonight so my bases are covered.

I hope everybody has a nice weekend!

Some good news!

2011-03-24T08:21:00.003-05:00

I'm sure I sound totally wacky right now.... Stupid clomid!!! Thanks to everyone who let me know that clomid messed with their emotions too!!!!

So on the way home last night I stopped at a pharmacy and got the Clear Blue OPKs.... the digital ones with the smiley face. I thought - Ha! I'll show you CBEFM!!!!! So tested last night and it was negative. This morning I took both OPKs... and the CBEFM gave me my LH surge and the digital one did not!!!!! WTF!?!???! I guess today since the CBEFM gave me the news I wanted to hear, that's the one I'm going to believe! HAHAHAHA Whatever, I'm just happy I finally got a positive on one of these damn sticks and it coincided with the EWCM I got yesterday. So we BD'd last night and I plan on making sure we cover the next few days.... Theoretically it only takes one good timed BD right???? ;-) Swim, little swimmers, Swim!!!

On to my mental health.... I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor to get something for depression and possibly something for anxiety. I feel terrible even admitting that to you guys. Here I bitch about White Trash taking stuff and I'm considering taking antidepressants. I realize there's a big difference between being a drug addict and fighting depression and from what I've read Zoloft is safe for TTC, but I still feel bad about it. I just can't take it anymore tho. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but every day something makes me cry. And its been like this for awhile, for months so this I can't blame on the clomid. I can feel it just beneath the surface at all times and I can't take it anymore. I really have to get control of this and sooner rather than later.

I've been pretty sure I have general anxiety disorder for awhile now. My mom was diagnosed with it a few years back and her therapist told her that her kids should be tested for it. I can usually keep the anxiety monster at bay. However in this IF struggle it has gotten out of control. I have minor anxiety attacks even before something fun like meeting friends for lunch. And I started the loom knitting thinking that would relax me but it flares up when I start a new project or am shopping for yarn. Seriously?!??! Who gets anxiety over shopping for yarn???? I realize how crazy I sound and it only makes me feel crazier for actually admitting it to someone else but I have come to the realization that something has to be done so I can get this under control. Even if by some miracle an egg got fertilized, I don't know if it could implant when my body is always in panic mode like this.

So tomorrow morning I have a doc appt which means I have to put my big girl panties on and tell the doctor that I'm not coping too well here. Fun times this IF journey is full of....

Don't worry, I'll talk to the RE before we do any further treatments to make sure he's ok with me being on Zoloft. I wouldn't do anything that goes against his better judgment. But I really need some help holding it together.

Thanks for listening! It makes it so much easier to get through this knowing you guys are out there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Frustrated

2011-03-23T10:15:00.002-05:00

Does anyone out there have any luck with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM)? I'm on CD 12 and it hasn't even given me the high fertility sign yet. Typically it gives you high fertility for 4 - 5 days when your estrogen surges then peak fertility when you LH surges. Last month I got my high fertiity sign around CD 10. And I ovulated around day 14-15. Warning - TMI ahead - just now when I went to the restroom I had A TON of EWCM. And my cervix is open, so I know I'm getting to my fertile days. But why won't that stupid monitor act right???? It makes me so freaking mad I want to throw it into the wall. Guess I'll stop on the way home tonight and get the digital OPKs so I can have a backup in place.

I think clomid makes me feel hopeless. I hope its the clomid anyways..... I just feel like nothing's going to work. I feel terrible complaining about being hopeless when I know there are so many fellow IFers who have already gone through multiple IUIs or IVFs and still have the strength to march on.... Yesterday I googled clomid and hopelessness because I read it on another blog and there were some hits. It can exacerbate depression so that causes the hopelessness I guess. Isn't that a wonderful side effect? Hmph. And here I was so proud of me for not getting the rage I got last month. I think I'd rather have the rage than the hopelessness... Hubby probably wouldn't agree. hehe

I'm just rambling here without going in any direction. That's how blah I feel. I can't even come up with a point to my post.

I've been thinking this week maybe I need to go to the family doc to see about antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety. I can't stand being blue all the time. My husband can see it and has commented on it. I get severe anxiety just thinking about it. I've had docs minimize it before and then you just feel stupid. Plus I'm one of those people that hates having to ask for help. So it takes a lot for me to be able to work up to making an appt and explaining to the doc what I need.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer today. That's all i got for now tho...

A new project!

2011-03-18T13:26:00.005-05:00

Thanks for all the comments about the hat I knitted!!!! So here's my stab at a dog sweater, being modeled by a friend's beagle puppy (we'll call her T). Mind you I was trying to make this for my fat little chihuahua so the sizing isn't perfect.

Pretty good for my first try, right???? The only thing I totally screwed up was the hem at the bottom of the sweater, which you can't see. But when I took it off the loom, I used the wrong stitch, so instead of it being stretchy, it doesn't have any give. Because of that snafu, there's no way it's going over Fat Lulu's head!!! hehe I don't know how I did that... Definitely something to figure out for the next time. But it was super easy and only took a few hours.

I'll try to post some pics of the loom knitting process this weekend. I'm serious when I say its the easiest craft I've ever taken up!!!! If you can hold a loom and wrap a yarn around all the pegs, you can loom knit!!!! T got one for herself after I showed her mine and she already made a hat on her own too!!!!

As far as the cycle goes, there's not too much going on right now.... Tonight is the last dose of clomid.... This time was A LOT better. I haven't been a bitch at all, if you ask me. hehe Last time I was filled with rage! This time, eh, not so much.... I should O somewhere around next weekend. Here goes nothing....

I've been thinking about what I want to do after this cycle. I know at my initial visit with this doc he said I'd do 2 clomid cycles, if that doesn't work do 2 cycles with the clomid, monitored and with a trigger shot. That's considered a timed intercourse cycle, right? If those 2 don't work, then IUI. But what is the difference stats-wise between a timed intercourse cycle and an IUI? If the IUI is a lot better, I'd rather just go for that. Does anyone have any information on the success rates?

Not too much going on this weekend. An excellent lunch at a Mexican restaurant with 2 friends tomorrow. Yum!!! I can't wait! The rest of the weekend is up in the air.

My latest project

2011-03-13T12:49:00.004-05:00

So what do I do when I'm not wallowing in self-pity around here? I've started loom knitting!!!! Its sooo fun. Almost addictive! I know how nerdy that sounds.... but look at this hat I made in 2-3 hours!!! Its adult-sized and yes its pink like cotton candy and FUZZY!!!!! It makes me squeal just to look at it! hehe

I'm trying to figure out a way to make a hat for the dogs. I made a dog sweater.... but finished it wrong and its not stretchy at all so I'll have to keep working on it. I'll post a pic when I get one right.

Its definitely a nice distraction.... :-)

The bitch is back

2011-03-12T08:56:00.003-06:00

Yes, AF showed 1st thing this morning. Cramps woke me up so I knew she was here. Oh well, I knew she was on her way since I already had a BFN this week. I might have to start doing that every cycle. Its better when I find out on my own terms than when I build up hope and she surprises me. So I actually had a 28 day cycle. Wow! That's so much better than a 23-24 day cycle... I'll be starting my clomid on Monday then. I hope I'm not a bitch to Kid Rock! hehe

Now I'm off to shop for CakeGirl's bday present. We're going to Saltgrass for her bday dinner tonight. Yay! One of my favorite restaurants, definitely my favorite steak place! After I load my self up with some ibuprofen here in a few minutes, that is. :-)

The weather is beautiful here!!! I hope you guys are having a great weekend too!!!

TGIF!

2011-03-11T10:46:00.003-06:00

So I've calmed down again. I was kind of a mess last night... but today I'm ok again. Looks me and my mother are going to have to go back to the policy of she doesn't bring up White Trash or Plain Jane unless I ask. Its better that way.

Thank you so much for your comments!!!!!! I don't know if you realize how great it feels to have someone "get" you.... I beat myself up for being a terrible person for having so much jealousy and bitterness.... but after hearing you ladies say you'd be pissed too... I feel like I can give myself permission to just feel what I feel. Seriously, your support means everything to me!!!!!! :-)

AF still isn't here. I think the clomid and the progesterone is working in that I'll get at minimum a 28 day cycle!!! I haven't had that in years. If AF doesn't come until 2 days after I quit taking it I will flip out!!! A 30 day cycle?!?!?!?! I know its been at least 10 years since I've had a 30 day cycle. Finally my body seems to be reacting like its supposed to. Maybe I will be able to maintain a pg one of these days if I can have normal cycles and normal luteal phases! Every month when my cycles get shorter and shorter I just become that much more hopeless.... It just seems so impossible to get pg when your cycles are only 24 days long and you ovulate WAY late... Not a good combo at all.

So I'm trying to drum up some hope around here... Not for this cycle. I've tested, it was negative, its fine. I'm not getting my hopes up again this cycle. But for the cycles down the road... Maybe I can have a "normal" luteal phase... Just maybe I can be a "normal" girl and have a shot at a BFP one day....

Stay tuned, I'm sure more drama is on the way..... hehehehe

Hope everyone is doing well out there. :-)

White Trash's update

2011-03-10T12:01:00.004-06:00

So she had her "free" u/s yesterday. Turns out she's 25 effing weeks along!!!! And just had her 1st appt! Dumbass!!!!!! Baby was turned the wrong way so they couldn't tell gender or if it has the cleft lip issues.

So basically her and Plain Jane got pg within 1 week of each other!!!! One is due June 25 and one is July 1. Isn't that kick-me-in-the-groin, spit-in-my-face fantastic??????

The irony is when my mom knew me and Coach Girl started trying 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO... she joked that we would probably get pregnant at the same time and how would she be able to afford 2 baby showers.... The reality is all 3 of my other SIL's managed to get pg and STAY pg in that time... with me and CoachGirl not getting as much as one fucking BFP in that time..... Aint life grand......

Yes, I'm just hanging on by a thread here.....

Some good news...

2011-03-09T14:18:00.003-06:00

My mom just called. Plain Jane had a 3-d ultrasound today and her baby doesn't have a cleft lip!! Yay!!!!!! We thought for sure he would because their 1st baby had one. There's still a chance the baby has a cleft pallette, you can't tell that for sure on an u/s. But if he does, that's only 1 surgery which is much better than surgeries every other year! I'm very happy for them! :-) I know she was sad or disappointed she couldn't nurse Z, so this time she can at least try.

Still no word on White Trash's doc appt....

The wait is over....

2011-03-08T08:41:00.003-06:00

So I caved and tested today....BFN.... What a shocker, right? NOT! AF should arrive tomorrow but I wanted to beat her to it. I hate hate hate how depressed I can get when she shows without warning... I figured it would be better to just test and get it over with then try to hold out hope a few more days just to be that much more devastated when she shows. HMPH! Have to do 1 more clomid cycle then the doc said he'd do a cycle with a trigger shot.... So there's that to look forward to I guess.

I guess the silver lining here is I can drink at the Kid Rock concert now.... Of course we all know what a lousy second prize that is.... I would have been thrilled to not be able to drink because i was finally finally finally knocked up!!!!! Oh well......

So tomorrow AF will probably show up and tomorrow is White Trash's 1 ultrasound and I'm sure my mother will call to tell me about it and I'll have to cry oceans upon oceans.... By the way, just found out this week, White Trash is actually 5 months along!!!!!!! And this is her 1st fucking OB appt.... Actually, I don't know if its an OB appt.... She told my mom and brother she finally found somewhere she could get a free ultrasound.... PRenatal care? Not to be concerned about if you're White Trash apparently... And my hopes that maybe by the grace of God, she'd straighten up because of the pregnancy - Guess that wasn't the case since she's already about in her last trimester and still doing what she shouldn't be doing. So yeah, this is going to be an oh-so-fun week.

Why is God punishing me?

Tick tock....

2011-03-05T14:37:00.002-06:00

Still in the middle of the 2ww.... I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately. Maybe its hormonal side effects from the progesterone. I'm just so freaking weepy. And while for the last 2 weeks since I found out about White Trash getting pg, I have been angry.... The last few days I have felt such immense sadness. At Christmas at my mom's there will be not 1 but 2 newborns..... and I am so sad about it. I am so tired of everyone being able to move forward but me. I'm tired of being left behind. If I don't get pg by then, I really don't know how I'm going to get through these holidays... Yes, i'm already worried about it even though its only March.

Does anyone else feel like progesterone makes them an airhead? I swear I am so dingy right now.... I usually have my fair share of blonde moments but I noticed the same thing last month.... the 7-10 days I take progesterone its like my head is not even screwed on straight..... I'm not sure what that's all about.....

I'm hoping work will go back to normal now that my boss's big project is over. Thank God I survived..... I had a few full blown panic atticks... but hopefully things will calm down again.

One good thing that happend this week... My office manager came in and asked if I wanted to go to a concert on March 14. The firm had extra tickets. So 4 of us will go, including my best friend at work!!!! And its KID ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! I have always wanted to see him!!!! I'm sooooo freaking excited!!!! We get to leave work early, the car service will pick us up from work and take us to the concert and bring us back when its over. We get to leave early cause we're going to eat first and go shopping!!! I'm totally pscyhed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be the best work day ever!!! :-)

2ww

2011-03-01T16:37:00.002-06:00

So now we're in the beginning of the dreaded 2ww.... This weekend I O'd according to the OPK... but is there a way to narrow it down to a specific day? The OPK detects the LH surge... which means the O is coming in 24-36 hours, right? Like if I can pinpoint the 4 hour window when my EWCM disappeared.... is that the 4 hour window that the egg is released or is there no way to tell? Just wondering. I'm supposed to start taking progesterone 3 days after O'ing. I know I had the + OPK Fri and Sat... and the EWCM disappeared Sat afternoon.... So I'll be starting the progesterone tonight or tomorrow night. We got in some timely BD'ing... :-) My fingers and toes are crossed!

Work has been HELL lately. My boss organizes an annual conference for about 200 people in March so Feb is always a madhouse!!! I'llbe so glad when the conference is over!

I talked to my mother the other day... I shouldn't have, but I asked if White Trash is still using... Of course she is... She's on prescription pills that she's getting illegally. I don't know what kind of withdrawals this can cause a newborn, but it can't be good. Apparently its a bone of contention with her and my bro. Thank God somebody is thinking of the baby!!! He tells her not to, she does anyways. Apparently she told him "you look at me like I disgust you".... his answer was "you do." Nice....this is going to be a great environment to bring a baby in.... And yes she's still on some sort of "bond probation". Not sure how that's different that regular probation... but if she fails a UA she'll be back in the slammer.... So my niece or nephew could be born not only in jail but drug addicted?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?! It doesn't get any more white trash than that.... Hmph.

On top of all that, cleft lips/pallets run in the family. My brothers are actually my half-brothers (same mom, different dad) and my stepdad and 1 of my brothers had full clefts... But even my brother that didn't have a cleft lip had a son who did. This baby (and Plain Jane's) have a higher than 75% chance of being born with a full cleft lip/pallet.... That doesn't upset me or my mom or brothers since we grew up seeing the special equipment and the frequent surgeries.... Honestly, its very hard on their wives that are coming into this without knowing all of the medical stuff they're going to have to go through. I mean, that's the worst part, is its just heart breaking to see a 6 month old or 18 month old have major surgery and be in pain afterwards and not be able to help them understand why. Seriously, its challenging enough, just learning to feed the poor baby, there's a special bottle with this weird contraption that half the time the hospital doesn't even have if they don't know the baby has a cleft lip before hand and so the baby is crying, but you can't feed them until you get that damn bottle.... Its really hard ... And of course she'll be on Medicaid so its not like she'll be able to go to a nice hospital that specializes in high risk infants... And the possibility that the baby will be born drug addicted just breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces!!!! Its a whole can of worms... will the baby get taken away if the hospital calls CPS? Or will my mom and brother be able to take him home if she's locked up?

And these are the people who can breed like rabbits!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally!

2011-02-25T08:53:00.003-06:00

I finally got a +OPK!! Yay!!! And the EWCM has arrived.... So O time should be this weekend. I like it best when it falls on the weekend so you have more time to get in a little action. ;-) I guess the Clomid is making me O about 2 days earlier than usual. That's better than nothing. And this will be the 1st cycle where I have the progesterone too. I guess we'll see what happens....

Last cycle was very strange. I thought I O'd REALLY early.... then my cycle was only 23-24 days, even shorter than normal, so maybe I didn't O at all last month.... I thought maybe the thyroid pills had made a difference but now that even on the clomid I'm O'ing around day 16 I think last cycle was just a freak of nature where nothing went right. Hopefully this cycle will be somewhat normal.

I found a blog for a book club for IFers - Ladies in Waiting Book Club (still can't figure out how to get a damn link on this blog) and February's book is The Help. I started reading it late but I have to say this book is soooooooooo good!!! It is totally helping to take my mind off of this cycle. I can hardly put it down. Its been forever since I had a book this good. I highly recomment it - but spoiler alert - there is talk of a m/c so if you're sensitive right now maybe it's not a good pick for you. The way the author frames it - I bawled and bawled.... But then I was laughing out loud on other plot lines... I can't say enough about how good this book is!

Today is Go Texan Day so we get to wear jeans to work - the ONLY day of the year we can.... And we're having a chili cooking contest and the office is bringing in BBQ. Combine this with my OPK this morning and its a VERY HAPPY FRIDAY around here!! Hope you ladies are having a good day too!! :-)

Some good news....

2011-02-21T08:37:00.003-06:00

Thanks for all the nice comments after my last meltdown! I honestly don't know how I'd get through this if I didn't have you ladies to share with. I feel like a terrible person being so jealous of other people who can get knocked up without thinking about it.... But I feel like if anyone would understand you guys would.... So thanks for listening!!!

I got on a tangent yesterday and forgot to finish my thoughts on White Trash... how she spent about a month in jail for drugs and got put on probation which she totally violates because she can't be bothered to go to AA classes or drug counseling classes.... So there's a definite chance that her stupid ass will get thrown in the slammer AGAIN and that's where my niece or nephew will be born... Real nice.... I doubt she's clean and sober at this point.... especially knowing my brother's preferred profession.... but she just found out she's pg and I like to hope however that she'll take THIS pregnancy seriously and maybe stay off drugs and have a healthy baby.... Not sure what the odds are that that will actually happen.... but that's what I"m going to hope for.

And I realized last night that there are going to be not 1 but 2 newborns at my mom's at the holidays. Ugh! I'm seriously dreading it already.... unless of course I manage to get knocked up myself... That will be the only way I will be able to get through it.

On to good news tho... Today my clear blue monitor showed medium fertility!!! Yay!!! That means my estrogen has surged and the LH surge should show up in the next day or 2!!! Hooray!!!! Maybe between the clomid and thyroid being straightened out I can start ovulating early like a real girl!! hehe

I was a little bit worried about how we were going to accomplish BDing with my knee the way it is.... But don't worry, we worked it out this weekend. ;-) hehe So come on ovulation!!!! I'm ready!!!!

Really?? REALLY?!?!??!

2011-02-20T18:59:00.002-06:00

i'm warning you now, plenty of colorful language ahead... I'll understand if you don't want to continue....

So here I am on the verge of a meltdown again.... I heard today from my mom that my youngest bro's girlfried is pg. At the risk of revealing what white trash my roots are I'll divulge the details anyways. So my youngest bro is basically your everyday thug. Most of any work he's ever done has been in the linE of dr. feelgood..... In and out of jail and of course he always gets a slap on the wrist.... And for some reason he always acts shocked when he gets picked up again..... So he's been with White Trash (yes, that is how she will be known from here on out) for awhile... moved her in with him at my mom's house (yes its a trailer) and they're always off again, on again... And now for some reason God has decided that the 2 people who deserve most to procreate are these 2 fucking idiots who don't work, don't contribute to society.... Never mind the fact that she lost custody of her 1st kid.... and she has had made no effort to get that child back.... and I just found out today of course she terminated her last pregnancy with my bro... I guess she can't be bothered to take a fucking bcp....

I know I sound cold and condescending... but I don't have that much in common with my family... I chose to go to work at a young age and live my life a certain way, you know, being a good member of society, paying taxes, buying ahouse... just a boring life to some, but perfect for me..... So how is it that God rewards these effing assholes with child after child and I can't get one to save my life!!!!! I just don't understand. Why why why??????? Did I mention that all of my bros are atheists... they've probably never said a prayer in their life much less daily for the last how many years for the possiblity to have a baby?

And all this on the tail end of my clomid round where I'm already an emotional mess.....God this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clomid, oh clomid....

2011-02-20T11:54:00.004-06:00

My 1st round of clomid is over. Whew! That shit made me such a b*tch!!! Every other word out of my hubby's mouth set me off. I had to tell him look, its just the pills... He was like how long do you have to take them?????? hehe He felt better after I told him only 5 days. I don't know how clomid helps with baby-making... when ur constantly at each other's throats how does any action happen??? Guess it works since you don't have to be all over each other until a few days after taking the pills. Hopefully that's enough time to get back to my normal lovable self!! ;-)

I feel like there's something going on in the ovaries tho.... I've got some little twinges and pings happening in there.... I'm going to hope that's the clomid working and NOT the clomid giving me another freaking cyst. Surely I'll be ok on the lowest dose, right?

The ol' knee injury is A LOT better I'm happy to report. However it does still go out. Yesterday I was standing on my weak leg with my other leg up so I could put lotion on my other leg and it gave out. Fortunately I was able to grab the counter and the wall before I hit the ground completely. Apparently my knee can now go in a third direction and that's 90 degress straight out to the side. That's no good!!! But I'm going to try one of those over-the-counter braces and I'm sure that will help.

What else has been going on.... work is sooooo stressful right now!!! My boss has a HUGE project that will be over in 2 weeks so she's freaking out every day... and u know sh*t rolls downhill... so I have been soooooo stressed. To the point of anxiety attacks. That definitely wasn't helping the round of clomid. Guess I have to put on my big girl panties and talk to the office manager about a situation that's adding a lot of work to my plate that is totally killing me. I had to work late 2 days this week because of it. And OT is frowned upon so they're going to wonder why I'm having to stay late. But Ihave a feeling there's going to be ugly residue when it gets back to the bosses..... Oh well, after that it should get better.

About how many days after the last clomid are you supposed to O? I totally forgot to order more internet cheapie OPK's so I think I'll try those digital ones. Haven't tried those yet. And I don't want to waste this cycle or not know if our timing was good...

I think I might go to an adoption seminar that's coming up in March. I'm totally terrified at even facing this option, but I have just had a sense lately that this isn't going to work. I don't know if its the clomid, or just hopelessness, or maybe just because I NEVER get pg, I don't think I ever will.... And since we're not getting any younger here, I guess I better look at all my options..... I am totally terrified tho....

On to clomid...

2011-02-15T21:38:00.004-06:00

I talked to the nurse on Mon about AF coming while on progesterone and she didn't freak out at all. I don't know why I freaked out like I did. Chalk it up to being hormonal I guess. I don't know how I'll get through a cycle with the big drugs if a little ol' 200 mg of progesterone gave me hysterics! hehe Anyways, the nurse didn't act like it was something she never heard of. She talked to the doc and called me back. Turns out I was supposed to stop taking the progesterone when my flow started but she said it wouldn't have any adverse effect on the next cycle. So now I know what to do if it happens again. She said we'll try this dosage of progesterone for one more cycle to see how I react after taking clomid in the same cycle. If it happens again, we'll re-evaluate next month. I'm ok with that. The plan was to try clomid for only 2 months then move onto injectibles if that doesn't work. I like this doctor so much more than my last. The nurse was sympathetic and listened, checked with the doc, called me back pretty quickly and really put my mind at ease.

So Sunday was the last progesterone and Mon I started the clomid. I'm only on 50 mg so no adverse effects yet. Except maybe a couple of hot flashes. Nothing I can't handle. :-) Come on O time!!!

The knee is definitely still not right. I wish I just would have gone to the ER the night it happened. I feel like I'm just being a drama queen if I go now after a week. I'm so mad at myself for going skating and messing my knee up. My nephew's bday party is this weekend and he's going to have a moonwalk thingie and now I won't be able to get in it with them!! That's a bummer! Hmph!

Don't laugh but I ordered a Tony Little Gazelle this week! I HATE my treadmill. All the reviews I've read on the gazelle have been good. Its a good machine for a beginning exerciser. And its low impact which I can hopefully use with my bum knee. I'm hoping I can use it a few times a week and feel a little healthier and maybe even drop a few lbs.... Of course, this isn't my first rodeo... I'll let u ladies know how it works out. :-)

Calm again

2011-02-13T09:56:00.004-06:00

So my PMS or progesterone induced rage is over. I was so much fun to be around yesterday. My poor hubby... :-)

I went to the pharmacy and ordered my clomid so I can take that this week and I thought, oh I can ask the pharmacist about whether I'm supposed to keep taking the progesterone.... So it was a lady behind the counter and I asked her and she said she had no idea. She said she herself has gone through IF treatments.... and she still had no idea. So I'm guessing it must not be that common. I'll still just take 1 tonight until I can talk to the nurse tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she's going to say to stop because Mon I'm supposed to start clomid and that doesn't sound right that I would be taking clomid and progesterone at the same time. I've NEVER read that on any blogs. I read through a bunch of blogs yesterday looking for answers and I found some women that have had to take 2 x 200 mg progesterone daily in the luteal phase so maybe that will be the answer. Always, awhile back I spoke to a fellow blogster with hashimotos and she said in order for her to get pg and stay pg she had to be on a ton of progesterone. So maybe thats common with the hashimotos. Maybe there's nothing for me to be hysterical about after all. Information I could have used yesterday!!! hehe

I'll let everyone know what the doc's answer is tomorrow.

Oh question for all of you who have taken progesterone... Are your cramps worse the months you take it? This month they were pretty bad and I've been almost pain free since my lap last summer. This month I had cramps in my abdomen as well as in my back and the only other time I had that was when I did have the endo. Usually I'm just a back pain kind of girl. The doc told me at the last visit that if I can't get knocked up by July (14 mos after lap) then he suggests I redo it because a lot of times it grows back. So now I'm wondering if its back since that's the only other time I had that kind of cramping. Its nowhere near as bad as it was when I had the surgery tho. And BD'ing is starting to be painful on occasion. So there's that......

Also, I've officially hung up my rollers skates for good. Last Thurs night I went with my mom again. (Don't worry, I already had a BFN so I knew I didn't have to worry about that.) And I lost my balance and had a really really bad fall. My body came down straight but my right leg went straight out at a 90 degree angle and I heard the POP! I was terrified. I really thought I broke something. Some people had to take off my skates and help me off the floor. The rest of the night and the next day it was killing me. Of course I ran to Dr. Google. ;-) Basically if you hear that POP you've torn a ligament. Because that's just what I need. All day Friday when I walked my foot was turned out, they werent' even paralel when I walk any more!!! Then when I got home Fri night I was hobbling up the stairs and my knee clicked and I felt something shift. After that the swelling went down and the pain got a lot better and my foot went back to its normal position. So I guess I had something twisted or dislocated... but I've learned my lesson. I'm done roller skating. I guess there go my dreams of being a roller derby girl....

WTF?!?!?

2011-02-12T10:20:00.004-06:00

So how do you like this - AF showed up last night... in the middle of my round of progresterone!!!! Which gives me a cycle of ONLY 23 days!!! Which means progesterone actually fucking shortened my cycle!!!! WTF?!?!?! Has anyone ever heard of this? Everything I've read says you're not supposed to bleed until 1-3 days after stopping the progesterone.... Not me tho... I'm so broken I can't even do that right.... The doctor told me to continue taking it until CD 28 which I never saw. So now what am I supposed to do? Take it until what would have been CD 28? Or stop taking it? Of course this happens at 10 last night so its not like I can call the doc's office and ask the nurse. I'm sure they didn't give me any alternative instructions because who does this??? Who gets a shorter cycle on progesterone?????

I'm so pissed right now I can barely type. Just pissed at my stupid body for not reacting properly to the drug that everyone else can get the expected results on. I just wanted to have a 14 day luteal phase for once and see what happened. Even with ovulating super early on CD 12... I got an 11 day LP. That's better than 10 days like usual and maybe its sufficient for a pg to implant but maybe not. I caved and tested Thurs and Fri and obviously they were negative. So I guess what's the point about worrying if my LP is long enough to support a pg when there must not have been 1 to start with.

I'm just so over all this IF stuff. I guess I'll just keep taking the progesterone. What's the worst that could happen? Fuck it.

UPDATED:

I'm starting to calm down again. Whew! Maybe I need to increase my dosage? Of course I started googling it since I can't talk to the nurse until Monday. But it looks like there's a 300mg dose available so there must be other people who need more. Is AF coming early how you would know if you needed more? Well I guess my questions will have to wait until Mon when I can talk to the nurse. I'll still take my dose tonight and tomorrow in case that's what the doc wants me to do. I'll find out Mon for sure.

Can anyone say mood swings from hell between this stuff and regular PMS???? ;-)

CD 22

2011-02-09T08:45:00.002-06:00

Nothing new to report really. I was so tempted to POAS this morning. I should be at 10 dpo.... But at the last minute I chickened out. I don't know why I'm even thinking I should. I never test... But last month I started feeling like my cycles were shaping up... Last month was 28 days instead of 25-26... I ovulated much earlier and now I'm taking my progesterone... And the timing of the BDing couldn't have been any better... I'm still afraid to get my hopes up tho. And if I take a test than that means that I must really have a lot of hope and I don't want to admit that because then I'll be really crushed when it comes up negative as usual.... And I'm sure it will be negative... No symptoms imaginary or real... No implantation cramps or twinges... No sore boobs.. Nothing.... Blah!

I've taken the progesterone for over a week now and so far I'm lucky that I haven't had any side effects. No sore boobs or anything. Not that I WANT sore boobs... I just like there to be a side effect so I feel like its working. How's that for twisted! ;-) I take that back, I was eating everything in sight and feeling pretty hormonal for a few days. I didn't realize progesterone would do that to me until somebody else posted it on her blog. Duh! I should have recognized that's what it was from. But now I feel pretty much back to normal.

That's all that's going on over here in crazy town.... Just trying to survive this stupid 2ww so I can start my first clomid cycle...

Random musings....

2011-02-05T10:55:00.003-06:00

Snow Day is over. We ended up getting ZERO snow! :-) We did get freezing rain that caused all the freeways to shut down so its a good thing work was already called off. Even the entire Park-n-Ride bus system was totally shut down.... and they never shut down!

This is pretty random but I had to run to the pharmacy yesterday to get those pills you take when you think you're coming down with a bladder infection... I haven't been to that aisle forever so I was looking at all the other *interesting* products they have and I saw a box of deadorant vaginal suppositories... What the hell?!?! And it had some corny name like Island Mist..... People actually use this???? Of course from the perspective of someone who has researched every aspect of female biology and fertility the first thought I had was isn't that bad for the vaginal environment? I can't believe the crazy products they come up with that people will actually use... Who wants their hooha to smell like an island anyways? ;-)

Thanks for all the comments about acupuncture! I don't feel so bad knowing they try to force those herbs on everyone. And I think I will try another facility when I decide to start back up. I'm definitely not put off forever.... but I'm going to have to do more research to find a better facility I think.

CD 18 now I think. I've been taking the progesterone for the last few days and so far I'm not feelig anything different. That's better tha crazy hormonal side effects I guess....

I've been doing a lot of research on late ovulation and things of that nature. And I really think it was my thyroid that was causing all these problems. There's a direct link betweeen being hypothyroid and late ovulation/short luteal phase. Even if its just borderline which mine was. But I've noticed since Dr Z added the T3 that my cycles are remarkably different. I only bleed now for 3 days.... and its a lot lighter. So obviously its affecting my cycles. I think thats why maybe I ovulated earlier this month. If you have a 26 day cycle, you're supposed to O on day 12 like I did this month. Very encouraging to me!!! I'm not going to get too excited yet tho.

Snow Day!!

2011-02-03T20:38:00.002-06:00

We're expecting a winter storm tonight. The city is hunkering down and we finally got word at the end of the day that we don't have to go in tomorrow! Yay!!!! A free day off! Now let me tell you that we're only expecting 1-3 inches of snow!!! HAHAHAHAHA Yes, just 3... What can I say down in the South people FREAK out if there's even a chance of snow. I'm sure all you girls from the North are rolling your eyes at us, but hey, I'll take a free day off any day! :-)

I definitely ovulated so I started the progesterone last night. I didn't really feel any side effects. But I had the best sleep I'd had in a long time. I've heard it makes you sleepy so if that's why I slept so good then I can't wait to keep taking these pills!

One interesting thing... Before I picked up my prescription, I checked the balance of my health savings account and saw it had $116. I know there's a $5 monthly fee so when I got to the window I said a silent prayer. I prayed please let this prescription be $111 or less... Otherwise I have to pay out of pocket. I would have done that, but might as well use the tax free money from the other account, right? The pharmacist comes to the window and says "do you know how much this prescription is?" They always say that if the prescription is over $100 so I thought ohh Lord..... She says $111.07!!! Its probably stupid, but I was tickled pink!!! It was the exact amount I was praying it would be. :-) Maybe it's a sign? I know the odds are slim, but I'll take any scrap I can cling to at this point.

I did my first acupuncture session this past weekend. It was ok. The guy said that according to chinese medicine, I have a deficiency. That's evidenced by the thyroid problems and my inability to get pregnant. The appt was supposed to be $54 with my insurance discount. Then I get to the counter and he gives me 2 little bags of pills.... Just a few days worth and its $126!!!! Arrgghhh!!! I should have told me I didn't want the herbs and I'm mad at myself for paying it. I only took 1 dose. I'm kinda scared to take them because I don't know whats in them and I don't want them to screw up my thyroid..... He told me to come back Tuesday but I ended up canceling that appt. Its not something I can afford right now if that's how much its going to be!!!

The acupuncture itself was not too bad. It didn't hurt or anything which surprised me. But the part where they turn on the heat lamp, turn off the lights and tell you to relax didn't help. I couldn't stop my thoughts from racing.... I was thinking is this going to work, is it going to make a difference, did I remember to pay this bill or do that.... I would tell myself I needed to relax and could for a couple of minutes but not much of the time at all. I guess thats something you get better at with time?

By the way, Greys is on in the background... Callie just had an u/s and she's only 6 weeks along.... Of course they couldn't find the heartbeat at first so they switched to a higher resolution machine and of course there it was.... And the picture that popped up I swear to God is from a u/s that's at at least 12 weeks.... Not that I would know because I haven't been that far but I've seen others. Usually a 6-8 week u/s is a grain of rice... Thats why I quit watching this show.... so lame to me!

I think thats all for now.... I better go get ready for my 3 inches of snow! :-)

Lots of updates

2011-01-30T16:09:00.004-06:00

First and most importantly I traded in that stupid torture device!!! Woohoo!!! I took it back to the store and exchanged it for one without an underwire. I was worried that they were going to fight me on it. But the saleslady was very nice and understanding. I mean I can't keep a $60 bra that I can't even wear without crying, right?! So problem solved!! Thanks for the suggestions on websites to go to tho. I'm definitely going to try womanwithin.com the next time I get a new bra.

I had a follow up with my thyroid doc last Thurs. Dr Z said my bloodwork looked good. But now its too high and I'm on the other side of the normal range at 0.3. A month ago I was at 1.4 so it must have been that T3. I started to freak out that she was going to take away the T3!!! I can't go back to sleeping all the time like I was without it!!!! I told her as much so she cut down my synthroid 2 days a week instead. Whew!!!! And now I don't have to redo my bloodwork for 3 months. Yay!!!

One concerning note tho - they redid my thyroid u/s and found a new cyst. Hmph!!!! At the last one I had 3 nodules. They've all shrank since I've started taking the drugs. So this popped out of nowhere. And he said this was a cyst not a nodule. And it already grew to 0.5 cm even tho I'm on the medicine that should shrink them!!! So I'm a little concerned about this one. Generally according to Dr. Google they're suspicious if they're fast growing and depending on if they're solid or fluid which he didn't tell me. So Dr Z will review the results and get back to me. God I hope I don't have to redo that effing biopsy!!!!! If I do I'm going to ask for a valium or nerve pill of some sort to take beforehand. I can't go in there without anything again now that I know how painful it will be.

The POAS marathon has now commenced! I've been using the cheapo internet sticks since CD 9. I'm thinking I might be Oing this weekend which would be REALLY early for me. But maybe because my thryoid hormones are all straightened out, its changing???? Has this happened to anyone else? Basically CD 9 was super light. CD 10 was very dark, but not quite positive. CD 11 was significantly lighter again. Also all my EWCM is gone. That was mostly CD9-10 also. Is it really possible I O'd this early?!?!?!? This morning's stick was super light but I'm taking one again this evening. I guess if its light too I should assume that my LH surge was CD 10? That would put O definitelly over with by today, right? Dr Wonderful said to start the progesterone 3 days after ovulation so I should start it on Wed? Does this sound right? I really wish I would have taken more than one test on CD 10. Arrgghh!!!! I'm so mad at myself....

For me?!?!?!

2011-01-30T14:16:00.004-06:00

It looks like Fertility Frustration nominated me for my first award! I can't tell you how excited I am that someone thought enough of my blog to give me a nod!!!! Woot woot!!! :-) When I saw that I had to squeal about it!!!

The rules of accepting the award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact the 15 bloggers and tell them they've gotten the award.

So, Number 1:

Thank you SLESE 1014!!!! I'm really honored you thought of me!! Unfortunately I am new at this blogging thing and for the life of me I can't figure out how to add a link!!! I searched but I couldn't figure it out. I guess I need to go pick up a copy of HTML for Dummies! hehe

Number 2:

Hmmm.... Here goes nothing:

1. Even when I was younger I was always interested in fertility-related stuff. Its like deep down I knew there would be a problem. But I can't say how I knew....

2. My friends joke that I have a fake medical degree. I love for people to tell me their symptoms and I research Dr Google for answers. I have to say I've gotten pretty good and have a pretty good accuracy rate. Now if only I could get my hands on a prescription pad I could really do some damage. ;-) hehe

3. I'm the oldest of 4 kids. My brothers are 5-10 years younger than me. I had a pretty chaotic family growing up so I moved out AS SOON as I turned 18. I moved into an apt without a single piece of furniture!! Well, I had my bed and a 13" tv that I set on a broken office chair. Good times... hehe I've really come a long way!!!

4. I grew up loving to read. Especially scary stuff. My first Stephen King book was Thinner whenI was only 8 years old!!! Hello?!!? Where were the parental units???? There's a scene about a hand job and I had no idea what that was!!! What were they thinking giving me that book to read?????? Since I read so many horror books and watched so many horror movies, I am IMPOSSIBLE to scare. In a movie theater anyways...

5. When Hurricane Ike blew threw Houston in 2008 a 80 foot pine tree fell on my house!!! It wsa awful!!! It did over $100,000 in damages! So we had to move out for 6 mos while the house was totally refurbed. I have to say I got some nice upgrades out of it tho. Granite, new tile, new hardwood, new paint. It would have taken me forever to save up to do all of that. So I guess it ended up being a blessing even tho at the time it was hard to see that.

6. When I was a pre-teen I loved watching wrestling on Sat night! There was a cute little tag team - the Rock and Roll Express that I thought were soooooo cute!!! Of course after that we watched GLOW - the ladies wrestling show and American Gladiators. I always wanted to be one of those gladiators! I guess I better kick up the fitness routine if that's ever going to happen!!!! hehehe

7. Straight out of high school I got a job on a factory line at a computer manufacturing company. I was there about 5 years and looking back it was the most fun a job could possibly be. I'll always look back on that job fondly.

Number 3:

Here are some of my favorite blogs... Like I said, there won't be links because I can't figure it out but the links are to the right on my blog roll:

Nuts in May - A girl across the pond who has a hard time staying pregnant. My heart breaks for her every time she has a loss. Hoping for her big break....

One Day...One Pound...and One Cycle at a Time - She's recently had unfortunate news in the employment department, but has a chance to get into an IVF study! I can't wait to see what happens.

Uncommon Nonsense - She's recently transferred to a new RE. Hopefully one that will bring good news!

The Princess and the Pee Stick - I'm relatively new to this blog but I love her posts. Who doesn't like a princess-themed blog? :)

Yolk: A Blog About Egg And Sperm - I especially love her recent posts about Things Infertile People Like.... Check it out for yourself.

TTC Fatty - She's counting down the days past trigger shot.... Hopefully a BFP!

STFU Fertiles - A place to go to vent when Fertiles say things that piss you off. Its pure genius!!

Empty Arms, Broken Heart - Also relatively new to her blog and so far I love reading her journey.

Its Always Raining - Fascinating posts about what it takes to foster while on the TTC journey. She's taking a break on the fostering front to focus on the TTC side.

From If to When - She's bravely pursuing adoption in lieu of further fertility treatments. I admire her courage.

Attack of the Redneck Mommy - Not an IF blog. She is a hilarious Canadian with tons of attitude that makes me laugh out loud!

Torture devices

2011-01-26T08:55:00.003-06:00

I don't think I mentioned that I went bra shopping over the weekend. Ugh!!! I had been putting it off forever cause I knew I had to go up ANOTHER cup size. When we were skating last week tho, I fell down and my boob pretty much popped right out of the bra! Talk about embarrassing... hehe So I went to a specialty store that stocks everything up to an N! Whew! Not that I'm an N.... but I definitely can't buy bras at the mall anymore. Hmph!

While I was there I overheard another customer who was getting a nursing bra in my size. I was so relieved that they sell nursing bras in this size!!! I've always been worried that IF I ever get prego, where the hell am I going to get a bra?!?!? So now one more piece of the puzzle has fallen in place for me... Now if we could ACTUALLY just get prego .....

But this new bra is TORTURE!!! UGH!!!! Its the right size so its not uncomfortable because its too tight or ill-fitting. Its the DAMN underwire! God I hate underwire!!! I think the only reason it was invented was to make our lives hell yet give our bosoms a nice lift.... That means a man must have invented it! hehehe

I have another appt with the thyroid doc tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can up my dose of T3. I ended up being short a few pills so I didn't take any this weekend so I'd have enough to get me through the work week. Right away I totally felt like I used to. I slept 11 hours Fri night and still had to take a 2 hour nap on Sat. Blah!!!! I haven't taken one single nap since I started the T3 a month ago. Now I see I seriously have to take these meds the rest of my life. I cannot go back to feeling that way! My thyroid doc is very sympathetic tho. And when she started me on T3 she said we'll start with a small dose cause some people are sensitive to T3. So I'm sure she'll let me bump up to the next dose. Fingers are crossed anyways....

New RE

2011-01-24T10:30:00.003-06:00

I had my first appt with the new doc today and the verdict is in - I LOVE HIM!!! I might just call him Dr. Wonderful.. :-) He really put me at ease.... and answered all my questions and gave me a definite timeline.... I'm doing clomid/progesterone for 2 months. If that doesn't work we're upping my dose and doing a trigger shot for a couple of months. If that doesn't work we can move to IUI. Yay!!! I ACTUALLY HAVE A SCRIP FOR CLOMID IN MY HAND!!! I know it's no guarantee... but I feel like I'm finally taking action and can progress throught the steps. With my old doc I felt like he kept all the possible treatment options under a shroud of secrecy.... He was very tight-lipped and I hate that!!!!

So I won't be able to start the fun and games until next month since I'm already on CD 6..... but I feel like there's hope for this year after all!!!!

On another note, on night last week I went roller skating with my mom. And the roller derby girls were there practicing!!!! They had on crazy tutus and leggings and it looked like so much fun!!!!! I started looking online and you can take skate lessons from derby girls to get the basics down. Sounds like fun!!! Even my mom is up for it!! Of course, I'm not stupid like Plain Jane so if I get so much as a hint of a BFP I'll hang up my skates for good... But in the meantime, I can't stop living, right??? Its feels good to get all my frustration tunneled into something. :-)

Thursday I have a follow up appt with Dr Z about my 1st month on the T3 pills. Those pills are life-changing. I was running low so I didn't take any over the weekend so I'd have enough to get me to my next appt. And just like that, I was exhausted and taking 2 hour naps after sleeping for 11 hours!!! Its crazy what a difference it makes!!!! I'm going to ask her on Thurs if I can try the next dosage up....just to see if that makes a difference. And my hard-headed mother FINALLY has an appt with her this week... I've been telling her since Oct to get in to see Dr. Z.!! She's wants to try the T3 pills too cause she still has a lot of hypo symptoms as well.

I guess that's all that's going on right now... I hope everyone is having a good week out there!!

CD1

2011-01-19T08:26:00.003-06:00

When I woke up this morning AF was finally here. I'm kind of relieved. I have been soooo weepy and overly emotional the last few days I couldn't take much more of that. I already feel less PMS-y. I'm starting to feel positive again. I hate when I get stuck in a funk like I have been the last few days..... I suppose we all do... Last cycle was a 28 day cycle which I think has GOT to be better for TTC than a 25 day cycle. Maybe now that my thyroid meds are stable my cycle will go back to being normal. A girl can hope can't she? :-)

I'm switching to my friend's RE and I couldn't believe it - they can see me on Monday! Woo! I thought for sure it would be a month to get in. So I've ordered my records from my old RE and hopefully they'll get faxed over by Monday's appt. I'm really excited! My old RE "didn't believe" in luteal phase defects... but my friend spoke to her doc about me and he said the treats all dysfunctions. Whew!!! I'm hoping to at least be able to try something different.

I really want to start trying acupuncture too. I've been researching some facilities in the area but more than likely I'll have to wait until the ol' tax refund comes in to be able to start that up. Oh well, at least its something to look forward too.

Oh yes, spoke to the mother this morning and reiterated that she HAS TO warn me if Plain Jane is going to be around. I have to steel myself for whatever stupid thing Plain Jane is going to say or do... My mother agreed. I guess we'll see if she sticks to it.

Thanks for all the well wishes the last couple of days! You guys are an amazing support system and I think I seriously would have lost my mind if I couldn't vent to ya'll. :-)

People are idiots!!!

2011-01-18T18:47:00.003-06:00

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but this is the last one I promise. Hopefully nobody else makes me mad anyways. :-)

At lunch today a 60+-year-old coworker out of the blue starts talking about so many people have problems getting pregnant these days.... I've never talked to her about my struggles so I don't know where that came from.... Anyways she goes on to say its our fault for taking birth control for so long... What did people think would happen.... SERIOUSLY?!?!? Never mind that this isn't the 50's anymore where women had no choice but to get married and get knocked up... Never mind that I wanted to finish college, get a career going, and buy a house before I had kids.... I guess I deserve what's coming to me.... GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or never mind that there are theories that we're receiving too many hormones from our environment which causes girls to go into puberty way earlier than they used to and possibly increases fertility problems..... Or what about the possiblity that my mom's generation, including my mom and her friends, had all their kids and their tubes tied by the time they hit 30. Many also had hysterectomies by then, so how do they know whether or not they would have been able to get pregnant. Is this what normal people think about IFers?????

I'm already having a very weepy, emotional week and then I have to listen to this shit at lunch? I went back to work early and ended up crying until I get myself under control. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!!! I needed it!!!!

Sigh...

2011-01-18T10:17:00.003-06:00

I know this sounds awful but I don't allow myself to pee on HPT's EVER. Its a pact I made with myself that I'm only allowed a HPT if AF is actually late. Why you might ask? Because I can't stand the hope that will inevitably sneak in as I wait those 3 minutes... just to come crashing down when there's only 1 line. So that little bitch AF didn't show up on time... I know she's doing this just to fuck with me.... She was due yesterday and I am NEVER late.... So as the day progressed I started to get little twinges of hope.... what if this is THE cycle!!?!? Mind you, I have no symptoms, real or imaginary.... This morning I caved and took the stupid test. OF COURSE I got a stupid BFN... I don't know why I thought it would be anything else.... Stupid AF, stupid pee sticks of hope and stupid me for letting it get to me!!! ARRGGHHH!!!!

One funny thing tho, I remember my dream right before I woke up... I had peed on the stick and left it to cook for its 3 mins... when someone walked up and said they already looked at it and it was negative.... I slapped that guy across the face with all the strength I had in my body... Literally the second the slap was over the alarm went off... Guess I'm tired of BFN's even in my dreams... So like I said in the title... Sigh....

Black Swan

2011-01-16T18:15:00.003-06:00

So the hubby and I just got back from watching Black Swan. Wow!!!! The previews barely give you a glimpse into what a dark and twisted movie this becomes. That being said, I LOVED IT!!! :-) Its one of those crazy movies that you have to ponder for awhile after its over to work it out in your head.

After the movie was over I was standing in the hallway waiting for the hubby to come out of the bathroom and you could see little groups of people huddled together discussing their theories.

Natalie Portman was soooooo good in it!!! She had to have taken ballet as a child. Just now I was researching it and the last 2 monthws before the movie started filming she spent 8 hours a day between swimming, toning, and ballet. It shows in her performance!!! I just wish it was a book so I could read it too!

It's a total trip but if you like movies like that I recommend it! :-)

Just when I thought it was safe.....

2011-01-16T11:22:00.002-06:00

Yesterday my mother invited me to go roller skating with her and my nephew Z. Also my SIL Cakegirl and her kiddos. I show up in a good mood then she tells me that Plain Jane is coming too. Hmph!!! I am still mad at her for the whole fiasco that she didn't know if she was going to keep the baby that she conceived ON PURPOSE. I've told my mother she isn't allowed to speak to me about the remainder of the pg unless I ask. Apparently she doesn't think that applies to telling me if she's going to show up at an event. I know I really sound like a HUGE bitch right now.... but its just so hard to be around someone that's showing right now... especially HER.

So we're standing there and I ask if my bro is going to roller skate too and Plain Jane pipes up that SHE'S going to roller skate. I tell her "You can't roller skate." She says "Why not?" I tell her again "You can't roller skate!" Again she asks why not. I know I was staring daggers at her by now. I tell her "You can't skate when you're 5 months pregnant because what do you think will happen IF YOU FALL?" She says "I was fine last time." Well folks, I guess that sums it up...... I gave her one last GO TO HELL look and walked off.

And yes, SHE IS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND GOT OUT THERE ON FUCKING ROLLER SKATES AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO FALL AT ANY MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do stupid people who don't deserve to be parents achieve it so easily? Just when I was thought I was getting over my bitterness it has reared its ugly head!

Booty, Booze and Broads

2011-01-15T11:43:00.003-06:00

The title is a line from my new obsession - watching the old episodes of Dallas! Yes, the Dallas from the 70's with big flowing Texas hair and that snake - JR Ewing.... CMT played the first few episodes a couple of weekends back and I was hooked right away so we've been watching a couple of episodes a night since then. :-) I was surprised how progressive the story lines were...

First of all they have an IF story line!!!! I could not believe what I was watching!!! Sue Ellen and JR have been married for 7 years and cant' get pg.... Their problem is more from him not wanting to perform his marital duties... but still I was blown away by some of hour outbursts.... How on the money they were... Then there's a scene where the old lady of the house suggests that Sue Ellen look into adoption. She's worried nobody will accept a baby that's not a proper Ewing and the old lady says "Any child that comes into this house IS a Ewing." It honestly made me tear up.... Maybe just because I'm PMSing but I can't believe how open they were to adoption back then!!! Of course in true Hollywood fashion, she'll end up prego before the end of the season.... but I was still impressed with how they handled the IF.

Then there's a scene where a pregnant girl is smoking and they scold her. Again I couldn't believe it. Because this was filmed in 78... and in 75 when my mom was pregnant with me she smoked every day of the pregnancy..... Didn't even cut back! And it was perfectly acceptable.

Enough about that... I just couldn't believe how relevant that show could be today!

AF should be here tomorrow or Monday... but I'm ok with it. I've ordered some of the cheapie OPK sticks online and this cycle I am DETERMINED to catch my LH surge if it kills me!! Let the POAS marathon commence!!! :-)

Monday I'm going to make an appt with a new RE. My friend goes to him and she really likes him. I tried to make an appt Friday... I called at 1:38 and of course they closed at 1:30. I'm sure I'll be able to get in sometimes during this cycle. I'm hoping to do my 1st clomid/progesterone cycle in FEb. I guess we'll see what happens...

That's all for now. I hope things are going well for all of you out there.

What a week....

2011-01-07T19:30:00.002-06:00

Nothing fertility-related really to report. I had only 2 days of EWCM this week... no ovulation pain or spotting like last month, no positive OPK... so maybe this cycle was a total bust? Or maybe I did O but it wasn't as strong as last month? Who the eff knows anymore.....

Work was pretty awful this week. My 2 bosses just kept piling more and more stuff on me. Thank God T started this week!! Her boss didn't give her much this week so she really helped me out on a HUGE project that I hate! So thank God for that!!!!

Went to the doc and got 800mg ibuprofen for the jaw problem and that helped so much!!! It feels like its going away again. Also got prescription allergy meds and cough drops so I'm actually feeling a lot better now! Thanks for all the well wishes! I hope that's the last I see from the TMJ for a long long time... If it does flare up again, I think I definitely want to try the acupuncture route. Hopefully we won't have to worry about that tho.

Other than that back on track with the diet.... Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and after the week I had I just want to go to Mickey D's and get something hot and greasy.... but I won't since I have to face the scale tomorrow....

Just feeling kind of blah today... I hope everyone can excuse my foul mood.... Hopefully it won't last too much longer....

CD 14

2011-01-04T19:04:00.002-06:00

I finally got EWCM... not a lot but a little. No change on the fertility monitor tho.... Still waiting....

I don't know if any of you watch HIMYM but last night's episode hit a little too close to home... For those of you who don't watch the married couple has just started TTC and last night had their first visit with the RE. The husband and wife were both anxious and of course, true to Hollywood style, nothing appears to be wrong... but at the end of the episode the husband's dad dies of a heart attack. Just kick me in my stones, why don't you???? My FIL died this year and we're in the midst of the IF battle too.. All of our tests have come back normal too.... but that doesn't mean much in the land of IF.

The dentist appt has caused a flare-up of my TMJ which was corrected by surgery in 1987. I haven't had a single bout of TMJ since.... but 2 hours of holding my jaw open for the teeth cleaning and here it is again. I'm really pissed about it. I knew there was a reason I dreaded the dentist more than any other!! I'd rather go to 10 appts with the OB/GYN or RE than just 1 appt with the dentist. Guess I was right to be worried about it. I'm sure it'll go down after a few more days, it just sucks that its back for now.

Ringing in the New Year

2011-01-03T09:29:00.003-06:00

NYE was fun. We went to Cake Girl's house and had quite a spread of sandwiches and chips and dips! And of course a little bubbly to ring in the new year. :-) New Years Day was pretty good too. Went to my mom's and surprisingly there was no drama. Well, Plain Jane is showing now so I just had to do my best to clench my teeth and be a grown up and swallow down my jealousy and bitterness. Fun times....

Oh yeah, one of my poor pups had a seizure on New Years Day!!! It was terrible. She was sitting on this little stool and fell off and was spasming out of control. It was soooo awful!!! They look so scared when that happens. It breaks my heart! That's the first seizure she's ever had but I've seen Cake Girl's dog have them and its just awful!!!! I just held her until it was over and for about 45 mins after that she was as limp as a dishrag in my lap. Then she had some water and got up and went back to playing. 5150 stayed home with her the rest of the day while I went to my moms to make sure she was ok. Guess we'll be keeping an eye on her and hoping it doesn't happen again. :-(

It was so hard to come back to work today!!!!! Ugh!!!!! I feel out of sorts from all the long weekends in December. A friend I used to work with at another place started at my firm today so that was one thing to look forward to. She's really nice and I hope she likes it here.

Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation... Grrrr!!!!! The last time I got a positive OPK on the Clear Blue monitor I got a high fertility reading by day 12.... and O wasn't until day 17-18... I'm worried its not going to happen at all this month. Blah!!!! Its not looking good.... I haven't even had a drop of stretchy much less EWCM .... Usually I have that by now. I am totally hating my body right now... Why can't it do what its supposed to and just O on time and tell me beforehand so I can get in some well-timed BD'ing?!?!?!?! ARGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO frustrated!!!!!!

After holiday relief....

2010-12-28T20:36:00.004-06:00

So the holidays are finally over.... I don't know about you guys but I was wiped out by the time Sunday rolled around. I laid around the house all day and loved every minute of it. :-) I needed the whole day to recuperate.

Christmas was relatively painless. On Christmas Eve I had to see Plain Jane and see her get maternity clothes and a few baby clothes, which I pretty much had to ignore so I didn't lose it... I think my mom knew I was on the edge so when I went into the other room to talk to Coach Girl after presents because she came in there and sat with us. That was a huge move for her. Usually she doesn't get it. There was a WTF moment when my bro started being snarky to me about graduating.... I don't know what that was about. I used to try to encourage him to go back to school but he was never interested. And its not like finishing my degree was easy. At one point I was going to school full time, working full time and working part time at another job.... So I had to work to get it done.

Today was back to work as usual. I felt disoriented all day after having 5 days off in a row!!! Like I couldn't get myself to focus on work at all.... I was hoping to use my last 1/2 day of vacation time on Thurs but I have soooo much to do now I might not be able to. We'll see.....

Monday afternoon I had another appt with Dr. Z. My TSH levels were good after my first month on synthroid. My level was 1.04 which I think is where it should be judging by other people's blogs. However I told Dr Z that I still feel tired a lot which I thought would go away. So she started me on 5 mg of cytomel to take with the synthroid. Apparently that's one of the other thyroid hormones - T3 - which will treat the symptoms of hypothyroid. Anyone have any experience with it? I felt good today, but it could have just been placebo effect too. Its supposed to be pretty fast-acting and you can tell a difference in just 2-3 days which is good. Hopefully it makes a difference.

And this cycle I'm taking an extra 200 mg of B6 daily to see if that changes my luteal phase. Last month I tried 100 mg and I thought I saw a few differences in my cycle but that could have been the thyroid meds too...

Today I went to the dentist. Ugh!!! I'm embarrassed to say how long its been since my last dentist appt. I hate that visit so much! I would rather go to the lady parts doctor 10 times before going to the dentist. :-) But I survived to tell about it so I guess I was just being a big baby all along. hehe

I hope all of you had a good holiday too! :-)

Holiday fun

2010-12-24T12:03:00.004-06:00

I finally finished all of my Christmas shopping!! Yesterday 5150 and I had a marathon shopping spree and got almost everything knocked out. It was actually a lot of fun, if not tiring. Christmas is at my mom's at 5:00 tonight and his mom's tomorrow. So I'll be wrapping presents today and tomorrow. As I'm writing this 5150 is putting up the fake tree. I know, nothing like waiting till the last minute. :-) Maybe its a side effect of IF but most of the time I think what's the point of putting up the tree.... no kids here to enjoy it and we run back and forth to other people's houses for gift exchanges... so there's no point in trying to hard on our tree. Oh well, maybe next year will be different.

AF arrived right on time on Wed.... CD 26 as usual. Blah! At least cramps weren't too bad and didn't interfere with the shopping. For the first time in many months, I didn't get too upset this time. I feel like Im running out of hope.... I go through the motions and BD on the right days, but deep down, I just feel ike it will end with another BFN.

Oh well, not trying to be a Debbie Downer.... I'm off to work on the tree now. Happy Holidays to everyone!!! I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you. :-)

My buddy's home!!!

2010-12-22T13:52:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to update everyone that our little buddy was found safe and sound! :-) Hubby put out flyers and 10 mins later we got a call. He only made it a few houses away but he was scared to death. He's back home and trying to put it behind him now. (Both the dog and the husband hehe)

My poor pup

2010-12-22T09:03:00.004-06:00

Welcome if you're here from ICLW! :-)

So Monday was the big day of the doc appt. And I feel like I didn't really get anywhere. I went to the RE's office and sat there for 1 hour without being called back. I had to leave to get to the appt with the surgeon so I didn't even get to see the RE!!! They make me so mad!!! If they would have told me he was running 1 hour or longer behind, I would've told them I couldn't stay when I checked in. Hmph. So no new info on how the Hashi's will affect treatments. I'm so switching docs....

The surgeon appt went well. He was very thorough and said at this point he wouldn't recommend surgery. The benefits don't outweigh the risks. Surgery usually isn't done until the nodules hit 2.5 cm and my 2 largest are about 1.3. So he recommended taking the meds and redoing the ultrasound in 6 months to see where we're at. I'm ok with that since I got a definitive answer. I feel a lot better about it.

This morning one of my little pups got out of our yard!!! I'm freaking out!!!! :-( This has never happened before... Somebody opened the gate in the middle of the night, don't know who or why yet.... and this morning when I let them in the back yard I didn't see the gate was open and now my poor little buddy is missing. Really?!? Merry stinkin' Christmas!!! Blah!!!!!! My hubby is going to be absolutely devastated if we can't find him. I'm so sick about it!!! I'm praying like crazy that he comes home.

Today's my Friday! I took off tomorrow and Monday so I won't be back until Tues! Woo! And this afternoon is a dentist appt. I hate the dentist. I'll go to any doc 10 times before I go to a dentist. Blah! But I don't want to waste this year's benefits, so I waited until I had 2 weeks left to use them. hehe

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Clearing the air

2010-12-20T09:25:00.004-06:00

Thanks for all the congrats from you guys! Graduation was a blast! MIL got to come after all!!! So there were only a handful of people there but it's the people that are the most important to me so it was a great day!!! I got some nice gifts including a Coach purse that's covered in sequins which is exactly what I was hoping for!! :-) I was blown away that my mom got it for me. Usually she does cash which is what I figured she'd do this time. It was a nice surprise.

Cakegirl (SIL and one of my best friends) and I had a long conversation Fri night (I was bawling to the point of hyperventilating for most of it) because she has been able to tell that I've been acting different. So I finally opened up about all the God-awful thoughts you have thanks to the wonderful world of IF. It felt good to get it out in the open and she was wonderfully supportive and sympathetic. I don't know why I didn't just talk to her in the first place. I guess I thought I was fooling everybody and acting normal but really I've just come across as distant or detached.

Cakegirl encouraged me to tell my dad what's been going on.... so I put on my big girl panties and told him yesterday. I've been so afraid to tell him because I don't want to be a disappointment. I'm his only child so if I can't give him grandkids, he won't get any. No pressure, right??? So I told him the short version and he was wonderful about it. I asked him to pray about it and he said he'd have 100 people praying for me. He works for a Christian company, so they do company-wide prayer lists. It was very sweet and touching. He gave me a big hug afterwards and said he'll love me the same no matter what the outcome is. :-)

This afternoon I have the appt with the RE to find out what effect Hashi's will have on my treatment options. And then one with a surgeon to see if I can get my thyroid taken out. I actually am kind of excited because I'm hoping for new information.... And new information is always good.

Its only a 3 day work week for me so I am stoked!!!!!!

What a way to start off the day!

2010-12-16T09:37:00.004-06:00

When I got to work this morning my boss surprised me with some flowers and a graduation card!! Yay!! My first graduation gift!!! She also gave me a Christmas card with some cash from all 3 attys!!! And best of all she told me I'm the best assistant she's ever had!!! This is someone who does not give compliments much and is known to be scary to work for. I was blown away!!!

Last night I was sitting on the couch and my ovaries were just pinging and twinging away!! I'm not sure whats going on in there.... Its like after 30-something years they're both awake and are constantly needling me to make sure I know they're there. This has all come about in the last few months.... Who knows....

I'm worried my mother is going to disappoint me this week at the graduation. She hangs out with losers from her alcoholic days still so all week she's been in court testifying because she saw Loser #1 stab Loser #2 back in May. Closing arguments are set for today. However if the jury doesn't come back this afternoon she might be required to go to Court tomorrow too...she's under a subpoena.... So help me... If she cannot go to my graduation because she insists on hanging out with losers, I'm going to be DEVASTATED.... I'm the only one of her 4 kids that graduated from high school, and now college. (I'm sure that gives you an idea of what kind of family I came from. :-( ) You'd think she'd be excited.... If those losers screw this up I'm going to be PISSED....

I'm going to end today's post with a wonderful quote my dad sent me this morning. Its so beautiful to me....

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innnocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."

- Anonymous

Updated:

Turns out my mother for once is not letting me down, but my MIL is. I totally wasn't expecting her of all people not to show up!!! I'm WAY closer to the in-laws than my blood relations.... She called crying she's so upset about missing because work threatened to write her up if she calls in, but stilll.... I feel stupid even saying this, but I feel if anyone would understand, you guys would... but I can't help to feel like apparently my graduation is less important than spitting out a kid.... MIL managed to get off for EVERY SINGLE EFFING u/s SIL had.... plus a whole efffing week off when the baby came.,..,., but I can't get 3 hours here?!?!?!? So now I'm Bitter McTwisted again.... Ugh! I hate that!!!! If I wasn't infertile I'm sure I wouldn't have these crazy thoughts.... but its beyond my control....

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-15T09:02:00.002-06:00

So last night was the company Christmas party. It was really fun. It was at one of those fancy members only type places so you know the food was excellent!!! And the presentation was like something right off the food network. The wine was free flowing and everyone seemed to be having fun. 5150 picked me up afterwards so I didn't have to worry about driving. Whew!

It was an employee only party, no spouses or significant others... I guess to save money.... But then the big boss did say something I thought was strange. His wife was there and they were talking to a group of about 5 of us female admins and he says he's glad nobody's boyfriends or husbands were allowed to come.... He doesn't like parties with the spouses.... Hmm..... Strange, don't you think? Oh well, its still one of the best places I've worked at.

I've got my Christmas list ready to go so when I go shopping this weekend I can hit the ground running! Only 2 more days til graduation and my dad gets in town!! Woo!!!

Its a new day...

2010-12-13T16:53:00.004-06:00

I'm feeling less whiny then the last post. That's a plus. :-) I got my hair highlighted and my glitter holiday nails over the weekend. Amazing how that puts you in a good mood! Of course I probably should have spent the day Christmas shopping, but there's always tomorrow.... hehe

I'm so wishy-washy!! Last week I was thinking I wasn't ovulating because the OPK didn't turn positive but I had ovulation pain and for the first time in my life I had ovulation spotting!! I don't know if thats good or bad, just different. When I first saw it on the TP I started to panic - Oh no, where am I bleeding from?!?! HAHAHA Of course thats a stupid question..... It was only there a couple of times and wouldn't be visible on the 2nd wipe... so being the IFer I am I ran to Dr Google... Is it a cyst blowing up??? Is my cycle starting after only 2 weeks. Since it didn't turn into a flow I'm going to assume its just ovulation spotting... I do the same thing with ovulation pain.... I start emailing everyone that I probably have another cyst blah blah blah.... then it goes away. I probably sound like a maniac. hehehe Thats why I started this blog. I know I'm not the only one out there obsessing over IPS (Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms) or some days even IOS (Imaginary Ovulation Symptoms) and that totally makes me feel better! :-)

Tonight is happy hour with a friend and tomorrow is the firm Christmas party. Yay!!! And its a short week since I'm off on Fri. I definitely plan on getting some Christmas shopping done before the weekend. I don't have a choice since we're doing our Christmas with my dad and stepmom this weekend while they're in town. I guess I'm finally getting some Christmas spirit. I hope all of you are having a good week too.

Random.....

2010-12-09T21:29:00.004-06:00

So here it is on CD 15 and no sign of a positive OPK anywhere to be found. Hmph. I got all excited about the EWCM but if I was going to ovulate this month I think the monitor would have started showing high fertility by now. Last month high popped up on days 12-15 and peak (when you actually O) showed up on days 16-18. Blah!!!! I don't know what to think.... I knew better than to get excited the other day.... Shoulda known my reproductive system would sap the joy right out of me again. Hmph.

I started thinking maybe my RE would prescribe progesterone so I could see if that would make a difference to my LP. I spoke to the nurse today and she said he doesn't usually do that. Why should I be surprised.... I swear I picked the most difficult RE... Seems like everyone else's just does the progesterone treatment - its not going to hurt anything. On the plus side I asked if he's familiar with Hashimotos and she was like AHA! She said he has other patients that have it. So I'm going to go ahead and go in with my Hashimoto records and see if he has any advice onwhere to go from here. Its an afternoon appt so that means no hoo-ha camera. Yes! :-) If I don't like what he says this time I'm going to take my records to friend's doc. The only reason I'm giving this guy one more chance is he's actually an RE and I thought that might be better with the thryoid issues. So the 20th I have a consult with him and then straight to the consult with the surgeon. Should be a fun afternoon....

Does anyone else feel sooooo behind on Christmas stuff?!?!? I haven't done anything.... haven't put up a tree, haven't bought a single gift.... Arrgghh!!! This morning I made up my list and there are people I have no ideas for. That never happens to me!!! Ugh!!!! I already told 5150 I don't want to go all out this year... Everyone will just have to get over it. I'm not in the mood!!!! Anyone else feeling bah humbug out there??? :-(

TMI

2010-12-07T10:44:00.003-06:00

This is definitely TMI, but who better to share it with than you guys.... :-) I'm not temping because my temps are always all over the place.... probably because of thyroid issues... So I only rely on the Clear Blue monitor. I'm CD 12 and haven't even hit high fertility according to the monitor. Last month I didn't get high until CDF 12 or 13 so I'm fine with that. But just now when I went to the restroom I had a handful of EWCM!!! I mean literally enough to put in the palm of my hand. Ewww!!! Where the hell did that come from???? And I could stretch my thumb and forefinger apart as wide as I could and it still didn't break. This is some crazy shit!!! I usually have a good amount but I've never seen anything like this!! I started taking an extra 100 mgs on CD 1 but would it make a difference this fast?!??!?!

I'm totally excited!!!! Maybe something is working around here finally. Maybe my body isn't going to fail me every chance it gets anymore... Haven't BD'd since Sat.... so I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight and the next few nights. hehehe

This week I moved into my new office! I can't believe I get to have my own office!!! I work in a secretarial capacity and at all the other firms I was at before I had to be the one who sits in the lobby... No privacy for internet or phone calls. Soooo not fun!!!! I'm just so thankful to have such a good job! :-)

And I've made an appt to consult with a surgeon. I'm not jumping into anything. I just want to get his opinion as to whether surgery is a good idea with the size of the nodules to compare to what Dr Z says when I go back to her. All those fun appts will be Dec 20 and 21. Because our insurance policy at work started Feb 1, I would think this year's benefits would go until Jan 31, a full calendar year. Shouldn't that be right? If so I would have Jan to get this taken care of if that's what I decide to do. Our Benefits coordinator is supposed to get back to me on it.

Confusing

2010-12-03T21:16:00.002-06:00

So I know I started this as an IF blog but it seems like all I talk about lately is my thyroid. Anybody else notice that? hehe

So I've been researching Hashimoto's and what I've found is it never goes away. So surgery doesn't cure it. But it seems like if you had your thyroid removed, which would make you dependent on the thyroid meds, than it would be less likely for your hormone levels to go out of control. Doesn't that seem logical? And I'll already have to take the meds the rest of my life anyways, why keep a gland that's out of control and can go haywire at any given minute? Then there's the issue of the nodules. My 3 add up to over 3 cm. That doesn't sound like much but the gland is normally only 5 cm big. So basically over half of my gland is enlarged. I have this constant stupid tickle in my throat that wakes me up every night. And if I eat too fast or swallow liquids too fast it feels like it gets caught for aminute in my throat. I feel like an idiot whining on here cause I know there are far worse things to have.... but I'm just trying to work through whether I should pursue thryoid surgery.

Secondly financially it would be good to do this year. Tick tock, right.... I'm already on 100% until Feb 1 I think. So if I just take the wait and see approach and give it say 6 months for the nodules to shrink, and they don't I'll be onthe line for another deductible next year. And we're planning on adding my hubby to my policy which would my deductible go up to $6000!!! Arrgghhh!!! I don't know if I'll be able to swing that!!!

I also found some studies that the odds are higher that you end up with thyroid cancer if you have Hashimotos than if you don't. Like 30-50% higher. The problem is the cancer can hide behind the nodules and won't be detected until you have the gland removed.

And finally I guess I would like to just lose the thyroid, get on the meds and focus 100% on the IF battle.... I don't feel like I have a whole lot of time to keep jacking with this. We're not getting more fertile every day around here.... :-)

Someone did leave me an excellent comment that after she was diagnosed with Hashimotos, and got the meds situated she was able to conceive.... That's the best news I've heard in forever!!!!! So obviously surgery might not be required.... I'm just trying to decide if its something I should push for.

What do you think? What would you do?

December already?!

2010-12-02T08:43:00.003-06:00

I can't believe this year is already pretty much over! Wow!

Thank you everyone for you comments! :) Its good to know there are success stories with Hashimotos. Today was the 1st day of thyroid meds. I'm happy to be trying something.

More good news - I'm going to switch to my friend's doctor for further IF treatments. I wasn't feeling great about the one I was seeing. So my friend contacted her doc's office and he does IUI in the office for about $350! Woo! I was expecting it to be a lot higher. Plus he'll let you do clomid/progesterone cycles first if you want. I think that might actually be a good thing to try since my issues seem to be ovulating late and wacky hormones. We don't have Male Factor or anything that would prevent us from trying.... My old doc wanted to go straight to IVF. However, I don't have the money for that right now... I'm not anywhere near having the money for that.... So at least with this other doc I'll be trying something. And that's a good feeling! I'm starting to feel like 2011 might just be our year!!! (Of course I also thought that about 2010, and 2009... hehe) I hope I'm not being too naive....

In 2 weeks I finally graduate from college!!! It only took me 17 years but I did it!! Boy has this been a long time in the making. My dad is even coming down from Washington state for the ceremony. Yay!!!

Right now I have to focus on getting ready for moving our office tho. I'm up to my eyeballs in boxes!! Ugh!!!!! Monday we'll be in our new office and I'll be able to feel like I'm not drowning anymore! Can't wait!

How's everyone out there doing?

Finally!!

2010-11-30T20:47:00.002-06:00

Today was the big appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results.... The good news is it was benign. The not-so-good-news, at least according to the doc is I definitely have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid. Seriously.... My body is trying to destroy itself?! That just figures.... Hmph. So I start .25 of thyroid medication tomorrow.

The truth is I was soooo happy to have that diagnosis!!! I just figured out I have too short of a luteal phase and one cause is hypothyroidism.... which all the prior blood test haven't shown... Hashimotos is hypothyroidism so I'm so happy that I was right... Something IS going in here.... Ladies, listen to your gut!!! I can't say it enough!!! Now does this guarantee that I'll be able to get pregnant or stay pregnant? No, but at least its something to try. I've read that some people with unexplained IF get pregnant after getting on thyroid meds. Hopefully that'll be the case. I guess time will tell. If anyone knows of any success stories, I'd love to hear it!!!

So I go back in 3-4 weeks and retest blood and see how this dose of thyroid is making me feel. She's also retesting my calcium. Apparently it was high last time. Unfortunately she said if it comes back high again they're referring me to a hematologist which is blood/oncology??? Gulp!!! I really don't think its cancer tho, I suspect its my parathyroids. I guess we'll see..... I'm not focusing on that right now... I just want to get into the next cycle to see if this med will make a difference.

Just the other day I was really feeling hopeless.... Its so hard when month after month there's no good news. When your body fails you at every chance it gets.... I felt like I couldn't face 1 more cycle.... but I feel like I have the smallest inkling of hope again! Maybe things will get better in the next few cycles!!! Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted! :-)

Frustrated

2010-11-26T22:24:00.003-06:00

Just as I suspected the other day AF came in today. So once again this cycle is a bust. I'm so frustrated because this cycle was only 25 days long and my luteal phase must have only been about 8 days long. I'm pretty sure its physically impossible to get pg with a LP that short.

Its so aggravating that when the monitor (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor) wasn't picking up my LH surge, the one month my RE did u/s he said it looked like I was O'ing around day 14.... But I knew from years ago when the monitor was picking up my surges it said around day 17-18... I was so excited when the RE said Day 14!!! That gave me hope..... Now we're back to day 18?!?!? I'm pretty sure I must have a luteal phase defect (LPD) which I have suspected for a long time... Of course the RE didn't address a luteal phase defect because it didn't appear I had one. How can I find an RE that specializes in this sort of problem? Anybody know? If anyone has any positive experiences with a Houston RE I would love to hear about it!!!!

In other news I had a really good Thanksgiving holiday until AF came along and ruined it... Dinner with my family was amazingly smooth.... In fact I would call it enjoyable and it hasn't been that way in many many years. It was almost a Thanksgiving miracle!!! :-)

Well there was one negative thing at my mothers.... Some loser she knew from her alcoholic days was there with his skanky girlfriend who was 8 months pg.... They sat outside and ate so I really didn't even get a chance to speak to them. My mom tells me this chic is giving her baby up for adoption. I swear I felt my heart stop beating.... As in, are you telling me there's a person looking for an adoptive family in this very house?????? My mother noticed me perking up and proceeded to tell me that she has drank EVERY day of her pregnancy so far, in addition to smoking crack in the 1st trimester and smoking marijuana up until 7 months.... Real nice, huh? I'm pretty sure the adoption agency and the potential adoptive family has no knowledge of this... Thank God she wasn't doing any of this while we were there... My SIL CoachGirl, a fellow IFer, was livid right along beside me and we both would have flipped out on that chic if we would have seeen any of that. And bubbling up comes all the feelings of how unfair this IF business truly is.....

Midnight shopping was a huge success!!! Except I was totally not dressed for the occasion. I was running late and didn't change into tennis shoees and forgot my coat at home... So my high I got from all the bargain deals only lasted so long and I went home feeling beat at about 2:00 a.m. I could have made it a lot longer with better shoes at least. Oh well, I'm not complaining... I got a coach purse for $200 off the retail price! Jackpot!!!!!

Hope everyone else had a good holiday!

AF is on the way....

2010-11-24T09:36:00.002-06:00

Well, ladies, I think this cycle is a bust..... as usual.... :-( AF is scheduled to arrive on Sat but I'm already cramping. And I always have cramps in my lower back so I don't think there's really a possibility they're actually implantation cramps. At least I have Darvocet left over from my biopsy so if the cramps even act like they're going to show up and ruin my holiday and night of shopping, I can beat them away with pain pills! Ha!

I'm still anxious about the upcoming appt with Dr Z to get the biopsy results next Tues. And every single day this week so far I have had to wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning because of this stupid nodule making me cough. I have to drink water and use the Chloraseptic spray until it settles down again so I can go back to sleep. Stupid nodule!!! I really wish I was already scheduled for surgery at this point.

Guess I'm PMSing because as you can probably tell everything is making me cranky today. I'm hoping we get out of work early so I can go home and get some pain relief, but last year that didn't happen. Hmph. Oh well, only 7 more hours now.... Blah!!!

Anyhoo, hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, eats until you're ready to explode and for those die-hard shoppers, hope you find the deal of the century out there!! I'll be looking too! :-)

Waiting....

2010-11-19T08:21:00.005-06:00

I'm officially in the 2ww now. Woo! We BD'd on some choice days I think. I even tried the instead cups. That was quite an experience. I thought for a minute I had lost that stupid cup and wasn't going to be able to find it much less get it out! hehe Now I've got it down to a science. ;-)

I'm a little concerned that my luteal phase is too short. I O'd around day 17 according to the CBEFM but I only have 26 day cycles. Sometimes 25 days even. That's not near long enough. So I start researching short luteal phases and what's one of the first things I find???? An enlarged thyroid can cause short LP. Gah!!!! That really kind of makes me mad!!! All these docs never suspected the thyroid and 30 secs with an endocrinologist and she can find it?!?!?! And if I would have listened to the GP I never would have made an appt with an Endo!!!! Its so aggravating. I've pretty much decided that whatever the results are from the biopsy I just want the damn thing removed!!! I don't want to have to do God-awful biopsies every 6 mos or year.... Just take it out and I'll take the thyroid pills. No biggie. Tons of people I know are on thyroid meds and they're all fine. Hmph!!!!

Good thing I'm a researching fool and I was able to find info on the thyroid connection to short LP. :-)

Counting down the days to Thanksgiving!!!! For the 1st year ever I'm more excited about the shopping than the food. :-) We're doing the midnight shopping at the local outlet mall again this year and I'm totally psyched!!!

Counting down the days to the biopsy results too.... That's the 30th so a little more than a week.... My bruises have faded to a lovely shade of green now and are so much more noticeable. Wonderful... People keep asking me what's on my neck.... Sigh....

That's all my news... How's everyone doing out there?

The Dreaded Thyroid Biopsy

2010-11-13T14:08:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I was the Human Pin Cushion! Not a good day at all.... I scheduled a 3 hour glucose test for the morning. My blood sugar has been coming back a little elevated at 103 which technically isn't even pre-diabetes yet, but I am ALWAYS thirsty. So Dr Z said I could do a glucose test just to be sure. I have deep veins that roll and the chic doing the blood draws apparently isnt very good with that type of vein. She ended up getting all 4 draws out of my hands after digging in my arms. My hands were so bruised when I left I couldn't even put my hands in my pockets afterwards! Ugh!!

Then onto the thyroid biopsy. Let me tell you, if a doc ever suggests a biopsy of anything... I don't care if its my big toe... I'm going to want to be knocked out! It was brutal!!!! And I have a pretty high tolerance. I never had pain with any of the IF tests.... This was a different ballgame. They give you a shot of Lidocaine to start which feelsl like a wasp stinging you on your neck. Then the u/s tech locates the nodule and Dr Z uses the u/s image to guide the needle into the nodule directly. When the needle goes in there's immense pressure like someone is squeezing your neck and its scary to breathe and THEN she has to pump the plunger 3 times to aspirate the fluid. ARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me back up to when the MA prepped the room I noticed she put out 16 glass slides. I'm thinking I hope they can fill up more than 1 slide with each puncture.... Not the case. She had to aspirate each nodule 8 times!!!! So including the Lydocaine injections I got stabbed in the thyroid 19 times!!!!! I told you it was BRUTAL!

Finally its over and they give me a scrip for Darvocet. Thank God! And instruct me to go home and keep ice on it until bedtime to reduce bruising. I'm glad I took the whole day off and hadn't planned on going back to work. Fortunately DH a/k/a 5150 had driven me because by the timme I got to the waiting room I don't think I would have been able to drive. I guess your body releases endorphins or adrenaline or something from the pain so by the time I got of there I was dizzy and trembling and freezing cold. I came straight home and got on the couch while 5150 got my scrips and took care of me the rest of the day. :-)

I kept the ice on it for about 6-8 hours so when I woke up the bruising was minimal. There's one light bruise on the side kind of the size of a thumbprint and a few small red splotches but at least its not so bad I can't get out of the house without looking like a freak.

On a positive note I'm very confident that Dr Z is an excellent doc and if there's anything wrong she'll be able to handle it. She's got awards and certificates on the walls of her office from floor to ceiling. I won't get the results until Nov 30 tho!! Can you believe that???? 2 1/2 weeks to wait to find out if its cancer?!?! That's just cruel to me!!! But the lab takes 10 business days.

I had 2 good things happen this week tho. I found out this week that when my company moves offices in Dec I'm going to have my own office!!! For the first time ever!!!! I can't believe it I'm so excited!!!!

And for the first time in forever I GOT A POSITIVE OPK!!!!! I realize that's only 1/2 the battle but maybe my body is finally going to start acting right. And just in the nick of time. I was really feeling discouraged this cycle. I have to rely on CM and temps to figure out my ovulatioon and my temps are usually all over the board. So half the time I'm not even confident that we're BD'ing at the right time. Boy would that be a huge relief to me if I could just be able to rely on OPK's and feel fairly confident that I know when I'm ovulating. Whew!!! Maybe there's hope for this TTC journey yet.....

Dr. Z

2010-11-09T16:41:00.002-06:00

So I saw the endocrinologist Dr Z today because my calcium levels were elevated at my last physical. At my first appt she said my thyroid is a little enlarged, we should do an ultrasound of the thyroid and parathyroid. Today at the ultrasound I knew it was going to be bad when the tech says "Dr Z you have to come look at this...." Holy crap! I have nodules on my thyroid over 1 cm. That doesn't sound too big but according to her 20% of the population has nodules smaller than 1cm and only 4% have nodules bigger than that. Of those people 10% have thyroid cancer.

So I have to go back Friday so she can do a needle biopsy of the nodules. Yes, she's going TO STAB ME IN THE THROAT WITH A NEEDLE!!! AARRGGHH!!! And with nothing other than Lidocaine. I'm soooo going to need something for my nerves. I guess this is what I get for trying to be proactive in my health for the first time in my life... a freaking needle in my neck!!!!

Now I can hear the Morbid Thoughts Monster knocking at the door, but we're not going to let him in right now. I will freak the #*@# out if I let him in and he makes himself at home. So we'll just turn off the porch light and pretend like we're not home. Go away Morbid Thoughts Monster, go away!

On a good note, Plain Jane is going through with the pregnancy. And I had a talk with mother aka Lt. Dan and told her when I'm having a good day, I'll ask for a progress update. Otherwise, we're not going to talk about it. Understood? She said ok... we'll see if she sticks to it.

So hopefully the biopsy goes well and I'll only have good things to report. Until then let's keep our fingers crossed. :-)

My breaking point

2010-11-08T19:36:00.003-06:00

So what prompted me to finally start my own blog after months of stalking, I mean lurking other blogs? October was probably the hardest month I've had so far in this TTC journey.

First SIL Cake Girl had Baby #3. I knew that it was going to be hard on me but my meltdown was way worse than I thought it would be. Not because I wished anything bad to happen to her pregnancy or baby, but because holding that brand new baby gave me the most intense sadness I've ever had. Because what if that's something that I never get to experience? For every cycle that's a bust I can see the grain of sand fall from the hourglass that represents my fertility. Then there's the anger and bitterness and jealousy followed by shame and guilt for feeling so bitter and jealous. It's a baby... I should be jumping for joy for the family. Instead I'm Bitter McTwisted.

Exactly one week later, right after I tell my mother that I had a hard time being around Cake Girl's pregnancy and baby, she tells me SIL Plain Jane is pregnant. Isn't that fantastic.... Another 9 months of pregnant bellies and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.... And Plain Jane has a far worse case of endometriosis than I have and she gets prego in 3 months!!! That's right!!! Only 3 EFFING MONTHS!!!! ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week after that as we're in the hospital waiting room for my other SIL Coach Girl (last one I promise) to get out of BRAIN SURGERY my mother gives me the whopper of all whoppers causing me a meltdown of volcanic proportions.... Plain Jane is thinking about not having the baby. ARE YOU KIDDINNG ME??????? This is someone who's married, has a job, a house and health insurance and GOT OFF EFFING BIRTH CONTROL TO GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! It makes me question why would God give her a baby after 3 months of trying while torturing me for years and that ungrateful b*tch doesn't realize how effing lucky she is and might not keep it? I had to run to the bathroom of the hospital and UGLY CRY for a long time before I could even come out and be around people again. The rest of the day, actually the rest of the weekend I could barely hold myself together. Even now writing about it I am sad to the very core of my being.

Now I am going to have a talk with my mother telling her that when I'm having a good day I'll ask about people's pregnancies... otherwise, do not tell me anything. And I'll send a gift, but I will not be going to this baby shower. Hmph!!!!! Never mind the fact that her last baby shower was FILLED with girls who are having their 4th kid at the ripe old age of 23. I just can't take it anymore I'm afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps here, but I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper in the quicksand. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into self-protect mode and be checked out if I have to hear one more insensitive remark.

In non-IF news tomorrow I have a follow up with an endocrinologist, Dr. Z. When I had my physical this year my calcium level came back high. That's 2 years in a row. After doing some research the parathyroid gland causes excessive calcium. So I found Dr Z and at the first appt they redid all my bloodwork 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll get those results and they'll do an ultrasound of my thyroid and parathyroid. I have symptoms of hyperthyroid and insullin resistance even tho technically my blood levels are in the normal range. I know all of those things can contribute to IF so in an attempt to rule out every little thing I can think of, I'll be hoping Dr Z can figure out what's going on if there's something to be concerned about. Is it pathetic when you hope they DO find something.... That way I can say, "See there, that was the problem, now that we're fixing it there's hope for a BFP one of these days...." At this point I'm probably grasping at straws but what the hell is it going to hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Here goes nothing....

2010-11-05T14:38:00.002-05:00

Hello All! I've been lurking for quite awhile now but I'm excited to reveal myself and officially joint the fun of blogging.

I'm mid-30's (when did that happen??) and DH and I have been married for 12 years. We just can't seem to do what everyone around me can do so easily, which of course, is to make a baby. I've been off b/c for about 10 years. I got pregnant twice but both ended in miscarriage within a week of getting the BFP. :-( We've now been hard-core TTC and peeing on sticks since April 09. Last summer I started getting endo symptoms and in Feb 10 the Gyno found 1 cyst on each ovary. I had a lap in May and she removed all spots of endo (stage 1 - whew!). She also popped the cyst that was still hanging around. That's right - she popped with a needle! Ouch!! Also had the HSG, you know, "while we were in there" which revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

At that point we'd been TTC for 1 year so I started seeing a RE. OPK's NEVER come up positive for me so I figured I wasn't ovulating. RE did ultrasounds and found I do O. According to him, for a small percentage of women, the LH surge isn't enough to trigger an OPK. Anyone else ever heard of this??? I've been tested for PCOS, karyotyped, had an HSG, post-coital test, and DH had a SA. All came back normal. Guess I'm officially Unexplained IF. The next appointment will be to discuss pros and cons of IUI v IVF. I know IVF is out of the question financially. Hopefully IUI is within my reach and I can do that early 2011.

I'm probably going to switch RE's before going too much farther as this clinic has done things that give me a bad feeling. Once when I called to make a follow up appt, the nurse tells me "So you're going with IVF? Your b/c pills are ready to be picked up." I had a total meltdown as the RE has not even discussed ANY treatment options!!! She was looking at the wrong chart. Hmph!! I'm thinking if they can't even keep the charts straight, how can I trust them to keep other things straight???

I have a lot of blessings tho - DH, friends, family (even tho sometimes they make things worse with ignorant comments), a good job, a decent house, and 3 little dogs that crack me up every single day!!! They'll probably pop up on here from time to time. :-)

I'm sure I'm leaving a lot of stuff out. I'm just hoping this blog will help me to keep what little sanity I have left most days.... :-)